Love and Politics | Marriage Songs | What Makes it Work - 2/3/08

[Smartmarriages]

- LOVE AND POLITICS
- FILM LAUNCHES ON VALENTINE'S DAY
- WE NEED A SONG DETECTIVE
- WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE WORK?
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- LOVE AND POLITICS

I'm sure there are a few marriages and families that could use these tips
about now....if not for politics, maybe on Super Sunday about how to spend
leisure time.   This article from WebMD's "Election Center" features Susan
Heitler and Howard Markman, both founders of marriage
education/communication programs, both presenters at the San Francisco Smart
Marriages conference, and both based in Denver site of the Democratic
Convention.  I wonder if the Denver Convention is a coincidence or if that's
part of why they were interviewed.  To get your relationship in tip-top
shape, consider attending Markman's *Love Your Relationship* weekend retreat
in Denver, March 8 & 9: http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/62    -
diane 

Love and Politics
Are political differences hurting your relationships? Learn to talk politics
without pushing away the ones you love.
By Sherry Rauh
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

Love and politics are both known to fuel strong emotions, especially when
they clash. Alexander Hoffman has been tangling with his wife over the
presidential primaries -- even though they're both Democrats. He's backing
Hillary Clinton, his wife prefers Barack Obama -- and their political
differences have been the source of endless debate.

"We have a Tivo, and we watch the debates and Meet the Press," says Hoffman,
a graduate student at Columbia University. "We pause what we're watching,
discuss, argue, and move on -- then pause it again 30 seconds later. Have
voices ever been raised? Yes."

His wife, Devjani, is an attorney. "The discussion can become a little
heated when one of us feels the other isn't fully listening," she tells
WebMD. "There is a strong desire to win the argument, and that can amp up
the stress level."
The Importance of Political Differences

Political differences don't necessarily hurt a relationship, says Susan
Heitler, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of The Power of Two:
Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage. "It depends on how strong the
relationship is to begin with. If you put political differences into an
already undernourished partnership, the strain can be big."

In contrast, she tells WebMD, couples with good communications skills may
find it enriching to discuss their differences.

"What's important is not the actual differences between people, but how the
differences are handled," says Howard Markman, PhD, author of Fighting for
Your Marriage and director of the Center of Marital and Family Studies at
the University of Denver. "If they handle [political talk] well, it can be a
great source of intimacy and connection."

This holds true even when spouses belong to different political parties.
Ryan Turner, a marketing director in Lighthouse Point, Fla., is a
Republican. His wife, Heather, is a Democrat. Rather than fueling conflict,
their differences are a source of lively conversation. "Political talk
within the family structure works well for us," Turner tells WebMD. "It
allows for a broader discussion than, 'How did your day go?'"

FOR THE FULL ARTICLE with warning signs and tips to get it right:
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/love-and-politics

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- FILM LAUNCHES ON VALENTINE'S DAY

I know nothing about this film except what's in this press release and on
the website. The press release says it's about divorce, but when you click
to the website it says it's a love story about a teenage couple that dated
and broke up and 30 years later he wants to see her again?? If you dig
deeper on the site you get the explanation that it's about a 47 man going
through a painful and unwanted divorce who begins to question first, why God
would allow such a thing to happen and 2) why he didn't marry his first love
who was 'perfect for him'.  It opens during Marriage Week. Maybe one of you
can contact the Director and get a preview copy. Let us know if it's worth
recommending.   - diane

> 'Divorce' is the Word -- New Movie Takes Aim to Help the Hurting
> 
> MEDIA ADVISORY, Jan. 14 /Christian Newswire/ -- Take a poll of any church
> congregation and see how many people have had their lives affected by divorce.
> 
> "The number is at least 90%," says film producer Dave Christiano. "A mother,
> father, brother, sister, relative, almost everyone has now been touched by
> this dreadful word."
> 
> With that said, the writer and director of a new movie takes heart to help the
> hurting.
> 
> "Me & You, Us, Forever" is a love story opening nationwide in theaters on
> Valentine's Day weekend.
> 
> The dramatic motion picture is about a 47 year old Christian man, on the other
> side of an unwanted divorce, who thinks back and reminisces about his old high
> school girlfriend and first love of 30 years ago.
> 
> "This movie is very real," states Christiano. "The story tries to help people
> who have been affected by singleness, separation or divorce, and that begins
> by being honest with your feelings, emotions, and yourself. Through the main
> character in the film, we'll see just that. It's the beginning of healing in
> any situation."
> 
> The movie is also a heartfelt and sincere story about a lost first love, which
> Christiano feels is something many people can relate to, but might be afraid
> to admit or talk about.
> 
> With the film based on a true story, the producer is confident about the
> realism portrayed in his movie.
> 
> As for divorce, it is a damaging reality of life that too many people have
> been devastated by.
> 
> "And it is devastating," says Christiano. "Separation and divorce is difficult
> for all, regardless of which side of the equation you're on."
> 
> "I'm asking church leaders in the cities where this film will open to take a
> serious look at their congregation and see how many people have been affected
> by divorce," says Christiano. "Adults and children; the number is astonishing.
> With that known, this film is a tool that can be used to help those people who
> have been hurt by it. The movie has some answers to help ease the pain."
> 
> The movie's initial release is set for in 83 cites and 34 states on Feb 15th.
> A second release to additional cities is being targeted for May 9th.
> 
> For a list of theaters, articles, and more information on this movie, visit
> the website, www.MeYouUsForever.com
> 
> For more on Dave Christiano, visit www.ChristianFilms.com/dcf.htm
> 
> "Me & You, Us, Forever" is distributed by Five & Two Pictures.

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- WE NEED A SONG DETECTIVE

> Diane,
> The question about marriage songs brought up an old one for me.  When I was in
> the Army, so somewhere around the early 70's, there was a country song "Fall
> in Love with Your Wife" which suggested that if a guy wants to experience the
> passion and thrills of wild sex, he might be best to actually "fall in love
> with his wife".  Even in those early days, when I thought I might travel the
> world having wild adventures, etc. I thought this was a very sweet message and
> it was also a lively tune.  I tried to google the song and couldn't find it.
> Don Ferguson
> www.reptilesinlove.com

C'mon ....we GOTTA find this one! - diane

> Diane, The title of the John Lennon song is Grow Old With Me (On Working Class
> Hero CD sung by Mary Chapin Carpenter) I have used it to close the last two
> major ACF Healthy Marriage Grantees conferences while showing pictures from
> the Loveseats Calendar. - Bill Coffin

You're right.....I confused the title and the chorus. -d

> Diane,
> One of the best marriage songs I've ever heard is a hip hop song called "Let's
> Get Married" by Jagged Edge.  Here is a link to the lyrics:
> http://tinyurl.com/35uv8u
> Carolyn Busby

It doesn't quite meet Jim Burg's criteria that looks for songs about couples
that have been married - still about the "let's get married" stage.  But,
that it's hip hop and that the couple has been together a long time does
make it interesting.  Who has a link so we can listen to it?  -d

> Diane:
> While their songs are not specifically about marriage, there is a Canadian
> married couple, Over the Rhine, who sing some pretty romantic stuff. Their
> last CD "The Trumpet Child," features a song, "Let's Spend the Day in Bed"
> that my wife and I like a lot.  It was recently reviewed in Christianity
> Today.
> L. C.

Hmmmm.....send links to listen and the CT review if you can find it. -d

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- WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE WORK?

What makes a marriage work?

February 3, 2008
By SUSAN AGER
DETROIT FREE PRESS COLUMNIST

Every marriage is a mystery to those who don't live in it.

The façade is cosmetically enhanced: All is well, all is great, we're so
very happy.

But once in awhile, we're startled to see a curtain pulled back. Suddenly we
can see into the very heart of a marriage, like standing on a street in the
dark and watching two people who don't know we're looking.

Our glimpse may be brief, but our conclusions are strong. We see evil. Or we
see foolishness. We see a victim and a perpetrator. We see pathology.

But the conclusions we draw come not from the facts but from our own
experience.

Everyone is different

I learned this during the fallout from Bill Clinton's relationship with
Monica Lewinsky. I wrote many columns. Reactions were wildly divergent. And
I saw that those who had cheated were more likely to forgive Bill than those
who had been cheated upon. Those who left a cheating spouse still think
Hillary is a sap and a fool to have stayed.

Now we confront a parallel situation in the marriage of Kwame and Carlita
Kilpatrick. A heavy drape was yanked from a big wide window and we saw
things that nobody should be allowed to see: the most intimate sweet
nothings between a married man and a woman who isn't his wife.

Carlita sat straight at her husband's side this week, her chin high, as he
apologized to the city and his family. Holding his hand, looking into his
eyes, she assured us she loved him.

How can that be? How can a woman stand by a man like that?

Every marriage is a mystery.

In some marriages, fidelity is about emotion, not sex.

In some marriages, forever means forever, regardless.

In some marriages, partners are generous with forgiveness.

In some marriages, one is the child and one is the parent, ready with
unconditional love.

In some marriages, partners are friends above all else, and would be bereft
without the other.

But the understandings in every marriage can be shaken tomorrow by a storm
no expert could forecast.

A life built together

Watching the Kilpatricks, and thinking about their sons, I remembered an
interview I did 10 years ago with a couple at Michigan State University who
team-teach a popular course on relationships. Steve McCornack startled the
young students when he told his wife: "If you cheated on me, I wouldn't dump
you. There's almost nothing you could do that would be sufficient grounds
for me to dump you.

"The fact that my feelings might be hurt is not grounds for me to sacrifice
the household we've built together."

When we look at a marriage in crisis, we see its siding weathered and worn.
But we can't begin to guess all of what holds a marriage together, unknown
except to the man and the woman who hammered each nail.

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