Are You Feeling Loved? / Craig's List/ Marley / Mothers-In-Law / Irish / Premarital Guide/ Why - 12/31/08

[Smartmarriages]

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!

- SUE JOHNSON: DO YOU FEEL DEEPLY LOVED?
- EXPANDING OUR REACH - FREE ADVERTISING ON CRAIG'S LIST
- MARLEY AND ME: STUDY GUIDE?
- MOTHER-IN-LAW IN THE WHITE HOUSE
- THE IRISH LAY THEIR CLAIM
- TALK IT OUT PREMARITAL GUIDE
- WHY MEN MARRY SOME WOMEN, AND NOT OTHERS

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- SUE JOHNSON: DO YOU FEEL DEEPLY LOVED?

Wonderful article "Hold Me Tight: Do You Feel Deeply Loved?" by Sue Johnson
in the Feb/09 issue of Psychology Today - currently on newsstands.  Read it,
and you won't be able to resist registering for her full-day training in
Orlando.  On last year's evaluations an attendee said they couldn't believe
how much Sue was able to deliver in a day-long training.  That's what I
thought as I read the article: I couldn't believe how much she crammed into
the three pages.  Which is like her book. When I introduced her last year I
said she was creating a  teach-out-of-the-box marriage education program
but, really, you could just buy her book "Hold Me Tight" - it's ALL there.

In Orlando, Sue will present a keynote Sat morning and a full day Sunday,
8:30am-5:30pm on her Emotionally Focused approach to couples education.

> 904 One Day - Sunday, July 12 in ORLANDO
> Hold Me Tight: Strengthening the Bonds of Love
> Sue Johnson, EdD
> Understand the exquisite logic of love ­ the concept of "effective
> dependency"; the cycles that sabotage a felt sense of connection; the music of
> the relationship dance; and, finally, how to shape conversations that will
> foster a secure lasting bond between partners. $50 spouse discount. Click for
> more information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/eft.html

Order Hold Me Tight now to get a head start:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist

As Sue says in the article:
> Gloria Steinem once said a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
> That¹s nonsense! Isolation ­ not just physical isolation but emotional
> isolation ­ is traumatizing for human beings.  Men and women.

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- EXPANDING OUR REACH - FREE ADVERTISING ON CRAIG'S LIST

This appeared on the SF Bay area Craig's List yesterday. Craig's List is
free. One more way to get marriage education out there though I'm less than
thrilled that it's advertising *private classes* - would much prefer that it
advertised REAL marriage education classes in a classroom setting.  Let me
know if anyone else has tried Craig's List and if it worked.  - diane

> Learn the Secrets of Happy Couples
> Find out what it takes to make your relationship a success. Three hours is all
> it takes. Private classes with a trained marriage and couples educator will
> give you the tools and skills you need to improve communication with your
> beloved. Learn to create emotional safety and respect, and handle conflict
> constructively. Program is a proven, research-based curriculum, suitable also
> for pre-marital education. Sundays only. Call 510-277-XXXX to make an
> appointment. Reasonable rates. Taught by a board certified Clinical Sexologist
> and Trained Couples Educator

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- MARLEY AND ME: STUDY GUIDE?
> Hi Diane,
> Carmen is very astute in her assessment of "Marley and Me." It is a great
> marriage movie and a really good lesson on tolerance and empathy. Someone
> should develop a study guide for small group and couple discussions.
> Definitely deserves the Smart Marriages Impact Award.
> Elsie Radtke
> http://www.familyministries.org

And, for an idea of what makes this movie unique, here's a clip from an
online review - they start where so many movies leave off:

> Instead of having act out a typical high-concept Hollywood romance, ³Marley &
> Me² afforded both actors the challenge of making the ins and outs of married
> life rather than an over-the-top boy-meets-girl comedy.
> 
> Picking up after where most couples in romantic comedies end - at the start of
> a happily - ever-after marriage, their characters, John and Jenny Grogan who
> are newspaper journalists from competing agencies, struggle to balance their
> growing family with three children with their career ambitions.


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- MOTHER-IN-LAW IN THE WHITE HOUSE

With the buzz about the president elect's Mother-In-Law moving into the
White House, I'm pleased to let you know that Leanne Braddock will repeat
her Mother-In-Law workshop in Orlando.  Here's a clip from Leanne's website
that predicts good things to come:

> Beginning with Evelyn Duvall's research in the 1950s, mothers-in-law were
> cited as the most "troublesome" in-law.  Our survey of over 1000 people echoes
> that work, including that daughters-in-law are the least happy with their
> mothers-in-law.  Interesting, sons-in-law, despite the jokes, were much more
> likely to report good relationships with mothers-in-law. Almost half the
> sons-in-law said they could discuss difficult situations with their
> mothers-in-law; thought more highly of their mothers-in-law than did
> daughters-in-law; and said they enjoyed spending time with their
> mothers-in-law. Their secret may be humor.  Sons-in-law were far more likely
> than either daughters-in-law or mothers-in-law to use humor to diffuse
> difficult situations. Which means it bodes well for the President-Elect that
> it's HIS mother-in-law that plans to join THEM in the White House.
> 
> From The Good Mother-in-Law Project http://www.goodmotherinlaw.com

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- THE IRISH LAY THEIR CLAIM
And, it looks like he's got that Irish sense of humor which should help him
maintain the mother-in-law relationship. You tube certainly changes the way
we see our politicians.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=9Pf5YQjVG-U

Several of you sent this one with some eloquent emails about the impact you
expect the Michele/Barack marriage will have on marriage in America.  I
guess if Albert Schweitzer is right that *Example is not the main thing in
influencing others. It is the only thing* we might see an effect, but let's
continue with our Marriage Education work in case their example is not
enough all by itself.  - diane
  http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=4QAvfXeISzI&feature=related

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- TALK IT OUT PREMARITAL GUIDE

Here is a great talking tips/guide to use with premarital preparation OR
marriage enrichment classes OR to update your love maps ­ we are changing,
growing all the time.....use this list in front of the fireplace tonight to
feel deeply known and loved as we head into 2009.   - diane

MARRIAGE
Talk It Out Before You Say, ³I Do²
By Julie Ferwerda
Christian Broadcasting Network/2007

CBN.com ­ You¹re thinking about spending the rest of your life with that
special person. But do you really know them as well as you think? Are there
areas you need to know about (or they need to know about you) that you
haven¹t discussed? The best time to get down to the nitty-gritty with each
other is before you say, ³I do.²

You need to know what to expect after the wedding day, and to decide if you
really want to spend the rest of your life with this person the way they are
now. Chances are they (and you) won¹t change that much, so if you really
want to know who you are agreeing to love, work through these questions
together. There¹s no hurry‹take all the time you need. But there¹s one rule.
You must be completely, gut-wrenchingly honest! If you misrepresent
yourselfŠthey will remember.

PURPOSE
My biggest goal in life is toŠ
I find satisfaction inŠ
Before I die I want toŠ
I am here becauseŠ
My dream is to somedayŠ
I will be ready to die when I¹veŠ

PAST
The best part about my childhood wasŠ
The worst part about my childhood wasŠ
The scariest thing that ever happened to me wasŠ
Something I¹m afraid to tell anyone about my past isŠ
A past situation that could affect my future isŠ
I¹ve had [ ] sexual partners before this relationship.
The way I feel about my past relationship history isŠ

WHO I AM
My biggest fears in life areŠ
My biggest needs in life areŠ
My most frequent mood isŠ
The thing I hate most isŠ
The thing I worry about most isŠ
Three things I want to change about myself areŠ
Three things I really like about myself areŠ
My most common daydream isŠ
I get angry whenŠ
My favorite kind of house pet isŠ
My overall opinion about myself isŠ
I think my greatest personality asset isŠ
My greatest personality weakness isŠ
I find the greatest enjoyment inŠ
The sin I struggle most with isŠ
I¹m most ashamed aboutŠ
Someone I greatly admire isŠ
The way I feel about death isŠ
I think war isŠ
I feel happy whenŠ
I have no use for people whoŠ
When someone acts rude to me, IŠ
When someone is unfair, IŠ
I feel jealous ofŠ
My dream vacation would includeŠ
The things I find the most fun areŠ
My favorite sport(s) isŠ
Playing sports in my future is a [ ] on a scale from one to ten.
Watching sports on T.V. is a [ ] for me on a scale from one to ten.
I am disgusted byŠ
When I am afraid (substitute sad, angry, happy, lonely, tired), IŠ
My hobbies includeŠ
I spend [ ] hours a week at my hobbies.
What I really want when I am sick isŠ
The part of my body I am most bothered by isŠ
The part of my body I am most happy with isŠ
What hurts me most isŠ
The best (and worst) thing about life isŠ
The first thing I notice about someone isŠ
When someone is angry with me, IŠ
When someone is disappointed in me, IŠ
The worst (and best) thing about the opposite sex isŠ
Being teachable meansŠ
People (including me) should say they¹re sorry whenŠ

MARRIAGE
My reasons for wanting to get married areŠ
I think the keys to a good marriage areŠ
The biggest mistakes I made in past relationships areŠ
The area I¹ve grown the most in relationships isŠ
Relationships in the past have taught meŠ
I¹ve always viewed marriage asŠ
My parents had a [ ] marriage.
I learned [ ] about marriage from my parents.
I think the things in marriage you should be honest about areŠ
The areas I¹m concerned about being married areŠ
The areas I¹m excited about being married areŠ
Marriage for me will be giving upŠ
Marriage for me will be gainingŠ
I think separate vacations areŠ
Traveling together isŠ
When having conflict, I like to: cool off by myself before discussing the
problem; discuss and work the problem out right away; pretend there is no
problem and just move on; analyze the problem as to what it is, why it
happened, how to avoid it in the future, etcŠ
Arguing and or fighting isŠ
The best way to handle disagreements is toŠ
What I fear most about marriage isŠ
What I anticipate most about marriage isŠ
The role of in-laws in marriage isŠ
The thing that will make me most secure (and insecure) in marriage isŠ
Dating (each other) after you are married isŠ
Love isŠ
³Till death do us part² meansŠ
I think people should be allowed to divorce whenŠ
For me, divorce isŠ

SEX
I think sex is/will beŠ
I think a healthy marriage involves sex [ ] per week or [ ] per month.
I¹m aware that real sex in marriage differs from Hollywood in the following
waysŠ
I think being naked in front of someone isŠ
On a scale from one to ten, sex is a [ ] in importance in a good marriage
for me.
What sex means to me isŠ
Talking about sex feelsŠ
Being spontaneous or creative in marriage sex soundsŠ

MONEY/FINANCES
I think money isŠ
Spending money is hard/easy for me becauseŠ
The biggest waste of money isŠ
The best investment of money isŠ
I have [ ] in personal debt.
I use credit cards forŠ
I think car loans areŠ
Saving up to buy big ticket items isŠ
My savings plan isŠ
My retirement plan isŠ
The way I feel about tithing isŠ
I hope my spouse is a: saver, spender, somewhere in between.
On a scale from one to ten, financial security is [ ] in importance to me.
I want to save up to buy aŠ
The kind of house I want to own someday isŠ
Other items I hope to own areŠ
Charities I want to contribute to areŠ

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
Is my own appearance important to me?
Is it important that my spouse maintains his/her current physical
appearance/weight throughout our marriage?
How important is hygiene to me, i.e. brushing teeth, taking showers,
deodorant, etc.?
How do I like to dress for special occasions? For church? For dates? For
work?
Do I want to be able to have a say in my spouse¹s choice of clothing,
hairstyle, or general appearance?
Do I care if they have a say in mine?
Is cologne/perfume important to me?
What physical features are attractive to me?

HOUSEHOLD
How clean is a home that is comfortable for me?
What is my favorite thing about home?
What can I not tolerate in my home (noise, clutter, dirt, pets, unmade beds,
etc.)?
How many/which jobs do I think I should do to keep my house maintained?
How many/which jobs do I think my spouse should do around the house?
Who should keep the yard maintained (spouse, both, or hired out)?
Who will maintain the cars (spouse, both, or hired out)?
Who will make decisions for and carry out decorating the home (spouse, both,
hired out)?
Who will cook family meals?
How many meals do I expect to cook or for my spouse to cook daily?
Who will do the shopping?
Who will do laundry?
Who will do the dishes?
Who will pay bills?

RECREATION
My idea of recreation isŠ
To me, camping meansŠ
My favorite sports areŠ
The way I relax on the weekends is byŠ
What areas of recreation do I want my spouse to accompany me on?
What areas of recreation do I want to do with my friends or alone?
How often will I want to spend time away from the family in my own
recreation?

KIDS
I think kids areŠ
Kids get on my nerves when theyŠ
I love it when kidsŠ
The way I feel about other people¹s kids isŠ
The way kids usually feel about me isŠ
Kids should be disciplined whenŠ
The way I want to discipline my kids isŠ
The role of a parent isŠ
I want [ ] kids someday.
How important is showing physical affection to my kids?
Is telling my kids I love them important?
How much time do I think I should spend with my kids daily?
How important is two-parent interaction and discipline?
I think the bottom line for discipline should be with the (mom or dad)?
How important is it for kids to respect their parents in my home?
When it comes to discipline, I think I will be: lenient, strict, or
somewhere in-between?
Where do I want my kids educated (private school, Christian school, home
school, etc.)?

HEALTH/HISTORY
Taking care of myself and my health is [ ] important to me.
I think a healthy lifestyle includesŠ
Physical exercise isŠ
To me, eating right meansŠ
My idea of a good work out isŠ
My life fitness plan is toŠ
My health problems (present or past) areŠ
I take medication forŠ
I think life long-term supports areŠ
People in my family have a history of the following health problemsŠ
People in my family have died at the ages ofŠ

INTIMACY
I feel loved whenŠ
The way I show love to people isŠ
Which of the following are ways I feel most loved? Time spent with, words of
encouragement/praise, gifts, being touched and hugged in a non-sexual
manner, when people do things for (serve) me.
Showing affection in front of kids or friends isŠ
Intimacy is developed throughŠ
I think a good marriage needs at least [ ] hours a day (or week) of focused
communication to stay connected.

WORK
My idea of a dream job isŠ
I think the average number of hours a person can regularly work a week and
maintain family commitment isŠ
Providing for the family is whose responsibility?
My career plans areŠ
How important is a steady job to me?
What kind of work ethic do I want in my mate?
Where do I draw the line with a job that demands too much time?
My plans for retirement areŠ

SPIRITUALITY/RELIGION
The way I feel about God isŠ
I think the way God feels about me isŠ
On a scale of one to ten, going to church is [ ] in importance for my life
and future.
I want to raise my kids in the [ ] faith.
Will God be the center of my home? Why or why not?
If yes, how will I make Him the center?
Prayer is something I do whenŠ
To me, the Bible isŠ
Other religions besides Christianity areŠ
Eternal life is accomplished byŠ
Select and discuss the following. To me, God is: personal, real, distant,
vague, angry, happy, loving, harsh, demanding, gentle, kind, good,
make-believe, living, powerful, weak, or other.
The way to have a relationship with God isŠ
For me, including God in my daily life isŠ
On a scale from one to ten, obeying God and His word is a [ ] to me.
When I die, IŠ

Julie is the author of The Perfect Fit...Piecing Together True Love and has
written articles for other publications such as Marriage Partnership, Brio &
Beyond, HomeLife, Discipleship Journal, and Revolve III Biblezine Project
for teen girls (Thomas Nelson, July 2006). To order the book or to find out
more go to: www.JulieFerwerda.com.

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- WHY MEN MARRY SOME WOMEN, AND NOT OTHERS
http://tinyurl.com/86a3pc

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