Outliers/ Planning / Resolutions/ Money Teams / Everyone Needs to Know / Clarification - 12/29/08

[Smartmarriages]

- OUTLIERS: THE STORY OF SUCCESS BY MALCOLM GLADWELL
- PLANNING ORLANDO
- THE NEW NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION: MICHELE WIENER-DAVIS
- MARRIAGE AND MONEY
-  WHAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW
- GERSTEN CLARIFICATION


###################################
- OUTLIERS: THE STORY OF SUCCESS BY MALCOLM GLADWELL

I STRONGLY recommend this book. It's a run-away best seller - read it to
keep up with the culture. Especially if you have young children.....or
grandchildren....to understand the changes it will usher in in the school
system and our notions of how to raise successful kids. But also read it for
incredible insights in Part II *Legacy* about how to adapt our Marriage
Education curricula to make them more effective. Understand the Power
Distance Index.  Chapter 7, *The Ethnic Theory of Plane Crashes* could be
*The Ethnic Theory of Marriage Education Program Crashes*.  Or maybe I like
the book because I'm Bowenian Family Systems trained and Gladwell introduces
Part II with this: *Can we learn . . .how to make people better at what they
do by taking cultural legacies seriously? I think we can.* It will get you
thinking and get you all the more enthusiastic and all the more determined
to bring the opportunities of marriage education to everyone.  In fact, we
should probably have a workshop in Orlando just to discuss this book....or
the workshop Cultural Lens should make it required reading:

> Cultural Lens
> Alexandra Flecky, MA, Goli Amin, MSW
> Culture affects everything that happens in marriage ­ especially communication
> and conflict styles. Assess your own lens and learn to adapt programs to fit
> diverse and intercultural marriages.


Also, today's Washington Post has a huge article about the exploding new
phenomenon of ordering used books online.  It all starts at Amazon - even
Outliers which is brand new and a best seller (my book store ran out of the
book at Christmas) is available, used.  And, classics like the Linda
Waite/Maggie Gallagher *Case for Marriage* a book everyone on this list
should own is available just for the cost of shipping.
Order here, I put both Case For Marriage and Outliers at top to make it
easy: 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist
 - diane 

###############################

- PLANNING ORLANDO

> Diane, 
> I'm using the holiday break to get a start planning our trip to Orlando.
> I've convinced my husband to come along (!!) and we'll arrive 5 days early and
> check out those beaches and St Augustine fort and other sights you've
> mentioned (July 4th holiday makes this work for us.) But I have questions
> about the conference. He retires in two years and I hope he might join me in
> teaching marriage classes so I'd like sessions that let him see that this is
> something he can do and would enjoy doing.  Which would you suggest to be sure
> he isn't intimidated and enjoys the experience?  I think you've made
> suggestions about this in the past and I hate to bother you but I can't find
> them on the website.
> Marilyn

One reason you can't find this information is that the 2009 program is not
quite finished. Close, but not yet.  Also, I know it's hard to find
previously asked questions but you can usually find this kind of information
on the FAQs conference page, in fact I'll post your question there.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/faqs.html

But let me reassure you: there will be many ways to ease him in and
accomplish your goal of getting him happily hooked. Also, remember you can
purchase a discount spouse registration for the full conference. Because
that's not the case at other mental health conferences, many fail to realize
the deal. Even if he doesn't plan to attend the full conference, this is the
most cost effective way to do it.  Buying tickets for one day or one or two
events quickly becomes more expensive than a discounted full-conference
registration. 

I think you should plan to start him off with ACTIVE sessions, so start at
the  "Let's Have Fun Track".  I was asked a few years back for *sessions
that would be lively, active, entertaining and not just lecture* for a
drag-along husband which prompted me to create a list ­ a track of these
session.  It's been extremely popular so I've continued it.  It's not ready
for 2009 (soon) but you can get an idea about how it
will look here:  http://www.smartmarriages.com/play.html

As for teaching AFTER he retires, he'll see that Marriage Education is
practical, needed info and he'll WANT to help you get it to the couples in
your community. It's contagious. I especially recommend the Friday night
Imago Dialogue keynote session.  If you're planning to teach in a church
setting, he might want to sit in on the free two-day Fireproof Institutes on
Wed and Sun: #117 and #108.

I can also assure you that you can tell him he'll blend right in....that's
often a concern. With a crowd this size no one can tell who is one of *those
shrinks* and who is *Joe public* - and that goes for the Training
Institutes.  If you know which programs you might want to teach, the
conference pre and post institutes are the most affordable place to have him
get trained and certified.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html

And, best of all, it will be great for your marriage.  Last year a woman
told me she attended the Sue Johnson Hold Me Tight training to use in her
clinical work but she brought her husband along and month's later emailed to
say that *attending the training together changed their life completely*.
:)   - diane 

###########################
- THE NEW NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION: MICHELE WIENER-DAVIS
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/forward/emailref/2779

############################
- MARRIAGE AND MONEY

I like the tips in this one - sharing it as you might need some ideas as you
deal with *living-in-limbo* couples at this peak divorce season. - d

> Use the falling economy as an opportunity to pull together as a team to
> revisit your marriage with a new perception.


Is the Recession Depressing Your Marriage?
December 27
Debbie Mandel, National Self Help Examiner

Marriage is a pressure cooker uniting two different personalities under the
same roof. Add children, work and an endless to-do list to the mix and the
pot could reach a boiling point quickly. Next consider the stress of a
falling economy. Researchers at the Institute for Social and Economic
Research, based at the University of Essex in Britain, predict that for
every unexpected 10 per cent fall in British house prices, an extra 5 per
cent of couples will want to split up. A reduced home equity has a negative
impact on marital equity. However, this year¹s poll by the American Academy
of Matrimonial Lawyers which surveyed divorce lawyers, found that 37% of
them had seen a decrease in the number of couples seeking a divorce! Can the
US poll and the UK research study be reconciled? The current trend for many
American couples who want to divorce is to live in domestic limbo, a
non-divorce. This means two roommates, no sex, leading separate lives under
one household.

Assets which have lost their worth, especially a house which can¹t sell, is
responsible for this divorce downturn. Running two separate households with
reduced funds seems overwhelming for a couple contemplating divorce. Living
wedlocked has become the latest symptom of the current ³depression.² While
studies have shown that a good marriage boosts the immune system, a bad
marriage is unhealthy physically and emotionally.

Living with the Enemy
Loving what you have is the hardest thing to do because nature has designed
you to view a love object like quarry. Perhaps, there is room to turn this
adversity into advantage by reframing your relationship. Use the falling
economy as an opportunity to pull together as a team to revisit your
marriage with a new perception. Court your spouse like a renewed conquest,
someone to win over who is aloof to your love. Romance is all in your head
anyway. Consider this: You could be in a most romantic setting on a balmy
Caribbean beach, a table set for two and a bottle of fine wine, yet` the
evening could end up with a stormy argument. Or you could be intimately
washing the dishes together in your own kitchen, laughing playfully, well
you get the idea. If a non-divorce works for you because you can
compartmentalize your life, then you are part of an increasing number of
compromising couples. However, if you want to fall in love again with your
good friend and feel happier/healthier, here are some suggestions:

    * Ask yourself who you have really fallen out of love with? Most likely
it is yourself! Address your personal stressors. Don¹t let stress steal your
heart away.
    *  Choose couple-words: ³Remember when we first bought the house, how
excited we were.²  ³What should we save up for this month?²
    * Combine your distinct skill sets like a team to improve your
situation. There is synergy in a team.
    * Do something for her that you normally dislike doing, like cooking a
favorite meal or doing laundry.
    * Leave him a note with a flower on his EZ chair where he watches TV:
³Have I told you how much I appreciate you? Meet me upstairs and I¹ll show
you how much

##############################
-  WHAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW

> Diane,
> 
> Interesting article on ³Dating is DatedŠ² Our "Love What Everyone Needs to
> Know" series has an hour-long DVD lesson dedicated to the subject of Hooking
> Up. It¹s filmed before a live audience of students and beyond. Discussants
> include two reporters from the Chicago Sun Times and other experts commenting
> on today's youth culture as informed by their visits to college campuses. It's
> revealing and provocative - leads to great discussions ­ and it helps as a
> teaching tool that the audience is multicultural and includes both liberals
> and conservatives, the churched and unchurched.  The more things change, the
> more they stay the same!  It turns out the old adage which my momma taught me
> emerges and is still true: i.e. A guy may not want date angels ‹but he wants
> to marry one! Better wise up before you ruin a perfectly good relationship.
> 
> Love: What Everyone Needs to Know
> Class on Hooking Up
> Great to follow this with the class on Cohabitation, also in the series.
> 
> Pat Love

The workshop by Jon Carlson and Pat Love on this DVD-based,
Teach-Out-Of-The-Box course in San Francisco and received some of the
highest evaluations of the conference. It provides a complete, comprehensive
course excellent for college or any setting.  Order the recording if you'd
like an idea of how you might use this course in your setting:
Order at http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com/
Or at 800-241-7785 

> #758-408
> Love: What Everyone Needs To Know ­ TOOB
> Pat Love, EdD, Jon Carlson, PsyD, Kathleen McFadden, CLE
> This engaging 23-part, DVD & research based series provides everything you
> need to teach marriage from A to Z. Multi-cultural. Experience segment #1: Why
> Marriage is Worth it.

#################################
- GERSTEN CLARIFICATION

Diane, 

I would like to respond to those who feel that, by organizing conference
calls to try to save the TANF healthy marriage grants, I am implying that
the Obama Administration will be anti-marriage.  Nothing could be further
from the truth.  I have been made aware that some members of Congress and
staff on the key House and Senate committees are planning to cut the last
two years of the TANF marriage and fatherhood grants.  This would be done in
Congressional committees, not on the House or Senate Floor.  It would not
require the involvement or support of the Obama White House.  It would not
even require communication with the Administration, which has much bigger
fish to fry in the next six months.
 
What I am attempting is to mobilize healthy marriage grantees and friends of
marriage education to educate their Members of the House and Senate about
the tremendous value of marriage education.
 
I am not implying that the Obama Administration will be anti-marriage.  But
I also am not assuming that Administration officials are aware of the
marriage education funding nor that they will work to fight for it if Senate
and House leaders move to cut the funding.  They just may not have it on the
radar screen.  That is another reason for us to work hard to communicate
with our elected officials.
 
The effort to save TANF funding is not, and should not become a partisan
effort.  We need the involvement of everyone who cares about marriage.

Please send this to your list.
 
Chris Gersten
http://www.Famli.us

####################
Do not hit "reply" to respond to this email. This mailbox is not monitored
and you will not receive a response.

Instead, create a new email and send submissions and comments to moderator,
Diane Sollee: diane at smartmarriages.com  (In other words, do NOT simply hit
"reply". If you hit reply your email will disappear into cyberspace.)

This is a moderated list. All submissions are read by Diane Sollee. Please
indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.  PLEASE include
your email address and/or url as part of your signature. With thousands of
subscribers, not all comments can be shared.

Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members
of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
visit: http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Newsletter.Subscribe

To read past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/

13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12
 
Shingle Creek Resort: http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

Conference schedule, registration, & exhibit information:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to
use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go
beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.