Marriage No Bar to Dating / Infidelity Survey/Marriage Voyage/Benefit/ Ugly - 8/19/08

[Smartmarriages]

- MARRIAGE NO BAR TO DATING
- PLEASE TAKE SURVEY IF YOU FIT: ADULT-CHILD OF INFIDELITY SURVEY
- THE MARITAL VOYAGE
- THE MARRIAGE BENEFIT
- WANTED: UGLY WOMEN

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- MARRIAGE NO BAR TO DATING

Marriage no bar to dating
The Washington Times
August 19, 2008
Cheryl Wetzstein

Michelle Obama spilled the beans to People magazine a few weeks ago.

She dates her husband.

"We were in this stadium, and the staffers were like, 'You guys are going to
have a date night,'" she said in an item posted July 30 in People.

"They had set up a little room in the stadium with tablecloths and candles,
and people came in and served, but we had, like, 10 minutes to eat. That was
just squeezing it in, but it was fun, it was cute.

"You don't try to have a romantic [time] at the stadium," Mrs. Obama added.
"Our romantic [time] is almost every Saturday night or Friday night, if he's
home. We spend the day with the girls doing girls' stuff, and that's a
family. Then we have date night, and the girls like it. As parents, you
realize they do notice this stuff, and it matters. It's like, 'Yeah, Mommy
and Daddy, go! Go have dinner; it's so cute!'"

Date night with the wife? What do you think, husbands? Cute or not cute?

After all, doesn't she have plenty of time to yadda yadda about the Visa
bill when you get home (or, more likely, right before bed, killing any
chance for the kind of "date" you really want?)

Why get dressed up and drive somewhere and spend $50 on a bottle of wine
just to hear her (talk) about the Visa bill?

Well, because real date nights are like catnip in a marriage, say the people
who have been talking about "10 Great Dates" for spouses since 1983.

"Most people think [dating is] what you did before you got married, but we
have found that by planning regular dates with your spouse, it helps you to
be intentional; it helps you keep your relationship a priority," says
Claudia Arp, who is co-founder, with husband David, of Marriage Alive
International Inc.

If you think of marriage as "settling down," she says, "doesn't that sound a
little boring? So we think you get married, and you keep dating, at every
age and stage."

Couples might be doing a lot of things right in their marriage, "but there's
something about dating that really energizes your relationship ... and
builds your friendship," says Mr. Arp.

Friendship is key to a long, successful marriage, he says. "How do you build
your friendship? By spending time together. How do you spend time together?
By being intentional. Dating is just a phrase that helps you be intentional
about your relationship."

So what are good dates? "Well, we know that men tend to relax by doing
something, and women like to relax by talking. So if you plan a date where
there's activity where you can talk, that's ideal because both of your needs
are being met," says Mrs. Arp.

Date-night ground rules include keeping the conversation positive and
intimate. Leave the Visa bill at home, as well as conversations about the
kids' homework or the in-laws. Do something active, like bowling, playing
tennis, going to a sporting event or taking a walk. Wear something
meaningful to your spouse. If too many date nights are turning into fight
nights, the Arps' many books offer easy exercises for couples to use to get
back on track.

"Remember, you're going out to have fun as a couple," says Mr. Arp, who
gives snaps to Mrs. Obama for openly talking about her date nights with Sen.
Barack Obama, her husband of 15 years.

"Good modeling!" Mr. Arp says.

# Cheryl Wetzstein's On the Family column runs Tuesdays and Sundays. She can
be reached at cwetzstein at washingtontimes.com.

##########################
- PLEASE TAKE SURVEY IF YOU FIT: ADULT-CHILD OF INFIDELITY SURVEY
And, please forward to anyone that you know matches the criteria and/or to
your lists.  -diane

LETTER:
My name is Allison.

After experiencing parental infidelity, as part of my coping process I
decided to earn my PhD in communication. Specifically, I have spent years
examining the communication surrounding infidelity and how parents talk to
their children about this event. I am finalizing data collection for my
dissertation. Basically, I want to know how parents and children
re-establish their relationship following infidelity (forgiveness and
empathy are a big part of this process).

I would like anyone who understands the importance of communication
surrounding parental infidelity to help. If you are an adult child of
infidelity who would be willing to complete a completely CONFIDENTIAL online
questionnaire please click on the link below:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=1RQIZuILR3_2f3prJu71z_2bYw_3d_3d

To participate, you must meet all of the following criteria:
a) You must be at least 19 years of age.
b) You must indicate that one or both of your birth or residential
(adoptive or step-) parents (married, separated, or divorced) engaged
in infidelity at some point in time during your life while your
parents were married to each other
c) You must report that you discovered the information of an
infidelity that occurred during your parents' marriage while your
"offending" parent was still alive
d) You must report that your "offending" parent is aware that you knew
of this adulterous relationship.

If you choose to participate, all of your information will be kept
confidential.

If you would like more information about this study, please feel free
to contact me at athorson at bigred.unl.edu

Thanks in advance for your participation. Your insight is truly
appreciated and will be used to help others cope with hurtful family
events.  AGAIN, here is the link:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=1RQIZuILR3_2f3prJu71z_2bYw_3d_3d

Allison Thorson
PhD Candidate
University of Nebraska-Lincoln
417 Oldfather Hall
athorson at bigred.unl.edu

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- THE MARITAL VOYAGE

> Diane, 
> This You Tube link is to a love song, "The Voyage", performed by George
> Donaldson of Celtic Thunder.  I think you'll like how it describes a marriage
> relationship.  My only objection is to the line where it says "with no maps to
> guide us."  I'd rather hear, "with Smart Marriage maps to guide us."  Carol
> and I hope you find it as right on as we do:
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1f3mKrbToU
> Looking forward to Orlando.
> Brent and Carol

It's lovely and fits nicely with our "grab an oar" metaphor.   I've posted
the lyrics and a YouTube link on the Marriage Songs page at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/marriage.quotes.html

Voyage

I am a sailor and you¹re my first mate
We signed on together, we coupled our fate
We hauled up our anchor determined not to fail
For the heart¹s treasure together we set sail

With no maps to guide us we steered our own course
We rode out the storms when the winds were gale force
We sat out the doldrums in patience and hope
Working together we learned how to cope

Life is an ocean, love is a boat
In troubled waters it keeps us afloat
When we started the voyage
There was just me and you
Now gathered around us we have our own crew

Together we¹re in this relationship
We¹ve built it with care to last the whole trip
Our true destination is not marked on any chart
We¹re navigating for the shores of the heart

Life is an ocean, love is a boat
In troubled waters it keeps us afloat
When we started the voyage
There was just me and you
Now gathered around us we have our own crew

############################
- THE MARRIAGE BENEFIT

Living Well: Author: Marriage can help each of us grow
August 17, 2008 
By BOB CONDOR

As author of a new book, "The Marriage Benefit: The Surprising Rewards of
Staying Together" (Springboard, 224 pages, $23.99), Mark O'Connell has
embarked on the usual book publicity tour but with an unconventional
approach.

During at least a couple of his interview sessions, O'Connell has made it
clear he is not proposing that all long marriages are beneficial.

It's sort of a "don't judge the book simply by its title" message from the
author, who has practiced marriage therapy for more than 25 years and serves
as a clinical instructor at the Harvard Medical School.

"The title suggests I am saying people should stay together," O'Connell said
during a phone conversation. "It's more that I am saying don't leave the
marriage for the wrong reasons."

O'Connell says staying married has the potential to give us purpose, meaning
and "we become our best selves." That scores high on any quality of life
index. Yet he doesn't emphasize or even much discuss statistics showing that
married individuals live longer compared to adults who are single and/or
divorced.

"There are definitely (emotional health and quality of life) benefits that
can accrue from a long marriage," said O'Connell, who -- yes -- is married
with three children. "But the conventional view of marriage doesn't bring
that to us."

That is what O'Connell takes up in his book and its bounty of case studies
in which couples take the risk to say things to each other in sessions that
a lot of wives and husbands might be thinking but not declaring out loud. It
might take several weekly sessions for such risky declarations or
revelations.

Some of the cases are descriptions of actual clients, while others are
composites of various couples the therapist has counseled. Refreshingly, not
every example is a success story. O'Connell has made it a point to cover
some couples who went ahead with divorces or dropped out of therapy without
getting desired results.

"There's a false assumption from movies and novels that there is some
breakthrough moment, but it is over-

emphasized," said O'Connell. "It's almost never as palpable (as a Hollywood
story line). So much of what is done in marriage therapy is getting a couple
to work on new solutions to an old problem."

For example, O'Connell advised one couple to finally talk about a
near-drowning accident involving their 3-year-old, who is now a
developmentally challenged teen. They were instructed to discuss the events
of that horrific day, but if either one fell into the old pattern of blaming
the other for not looking after the boy, then O'Connell recommended the
discussion cease for 15 minutes and that each spouse stay mindful during the
silence to remember it was indeed an accident.

For couples struggling with quality or frequency of sex, O'Connell
recommends role-

playing in which the couple "playfully pretends to have terrible sex."
O'Connell tells clients to get past "the airbrushed version" of what good
sex means and figure it out on an intimate level between partners.

What O'Connell and marriage therapists hear a lot is that one or both
spouses in a marriage feel bored or that they know everything about the
other.

"The underlying assumption is we know each other so well," said O'Connell.
"That's baloney. We are endlessly complex and always changing. Once romance
wears off, we tend to block the complicated places within ourselves, those
places where we are most scared. In that way, boredom is sort of dynamic
self-protection."

In his practice, O'Connell typically lays out eight resolutions for couples.
The first four are what he calls "shared necessities:"

# Embrace a longer-lasting definition of love.

# Celebrate your differences.

# Have real sex.

# Find freedom through commitment.

"Most everyone thinks about love like a poet," said O'Connell. He explained
that scientists have discovered that the first 18 months of any romance
effectively are ruled by body chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. "We
think everything that follows is a compromise."

O'Connell suggests that couples instead "thank each other for what they
have" and make it a point to speak positively to your partner at every
opportunity. That approach is more likely to rekindle love than any getaway
weekend, he said.

The next four resolutions all belong to what O'Connell calls "shared
choices":

# Believe in something more important than yourselves.

# Give up your habits and addictions.

# Forgive and give thanks.

# Play.

"After lots and lots of years of working with couples, you can develop some
good ideas on what people can do to get along better," O'Connell said.

"But where couples succeed is when they ask, 'Wait, we can get along better,
but what's the point?' Those couples are asking why is it worth doing (the
eight resolutions). They can get to a deeper level and grow."

Bob Condor writes about health and quality of life every Monday. He also
blogs at dailyhealthblog.com.

© 1998-2008 Seattle Post-Intelligencer

#######################
- WANTED: UGLY WOMEN

Wanted: Ugly Women
The New York Sun
By LENORE SKENAZY | August 19, 2008

Well now I know who to vote for when Mayor Bloomberg's term is up. Someone
just as willing to stand up for what his city needs: John Molony, mayor of
Mount Isa, a mining town in Australia.

Of course, what his city needs is a little different from ours. We need 2007
back (minus the rats in KFC). His city, meanwhile, needs more of the, uh,
"beauty challenged."

Yes, that's his term, and yes, he was only referring to women, and yes, a
goodly portion of Australia is now (forgive me) hopping mad. But all the
mayor said was this: "With five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that
beauty disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa."

Asked by a TV reporter whether he meant if "Those women would have a better
chance there of finding a partner than they would in other places?" the
mayor, blunt as Mr. Bloomberg, replied, "It would naturally seem that there
may well be less competition."

And for this simple truth, he's been getting clobbered.

"We're appalled," a councilwoman from Mount Isa told Australia's Courier
Mail, neatly summing up the local mood.

"It's a public attack on women and a form of verbal and emotional abuse," a
domestic violence worker there said.

But really: Who is being abused?

The mayor did not point to specific women: "You there! In the tube top! Get
over here!" And he didn't elaborate, either: "You know ‹ I'm talking about
anyone with bleach blonde hair who looks like my big, fat sister." He left
"beauty disadvantaged" in the eyes of the beholder ‹ which is where it
always is. Same as beauty.

The thing about beauty and love is that they are intertwined in many
different ways, not all of them so hot. It may actually behoove the men of
Mount Isa to be surrounded by a bevy of non-beauties. And the non-beauties
may have a better shot at happiness than the hotties, at that. Just ask
Christie Brinkley.

In the short run, of course, pretty is powerful. It's what the former editor
of "Psychology Today," Robert Epstein, calls a "motivator." If you're a guy
and you run into someone who looks like Halle Berry, or, if you're female
and you run into that Olympic beach volleyball guy from Switzerland ‹ the
one with the beard and the mean partner he did not deserve ‹ you are
"motivated" to get to know them.

But googly eyes across a crowded room ‹ or stadium ‹ are not necessarily the
surest path to wedded bliss. (Bedded bliss, another story.) In preparing a
new reality TV show called, "Making Love," Mr. Epstein found that "romantic"
marriage, the kind that begins with a lightning bolt of lust, often ends up
less happy than the typical arranged marriage.

"The love in 'love marriages' starts out high and decreases very
substantially after a year and a half or two years," the Harvard Ph.D. said.
"But in arranged marriages, it starts at zero and gradually increases. It
surpasses the love in love marriages at around the five-year mark." By year
10, it's ‹ on average ‹ double. Beware the relationship based on va va voom.

On the other hand, love can grow out of something very different from
beauty. Proximity.

If you're at a party in a room full of strangers, you head for the hunk or
hunkesse. "But if you're in a room full of people you're working with every
day, then over time other kinds of interactions take place which allow the
superficial characteristics to fall away," Mr. Epstein said. "So in other
words, you can become psychologically intimate with somebody just because of
proximity and repeated interactions." Tell me that never happened to you.

All Mayor Molony was trying to do was set up those simple, daily
interactions for his manly miners and some women who felt they weren't going
to win in the party setting. This is as noble as matchmaking. In fact, it is
matchmaking, in the great tradition of Yente: "With the way she looks and
the way he sees, it's a perfect match!"

Ironically, Mount Isa may be in for a flux of real foxes. So many women who
are beautiful don't think they are. Ever read People Magazine's "Most
Beautiful" issue? All the ladies say, "In high school, my legs were so long
I hated them." Boo hoo.

Mr. Molony's burg may get those body dysmorphic types. And then, so many
women who are beautiful and do know it may still long for a place where men
are men and just want the wife, not the trophy. His burg may get them, too.

Well. Maybe not. But it certainly sounds like a town where you don't have to
spend a lot of time at the gym. Far from discrediting his neck of the woods,
Mayor Molony made it sound like a place that's not totally skin deep.

For all we know, it's not about to plunge into a crippling recession either.
Guess that's what they call a high koala-ty of life.

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