Dr Laura/ George Barna/ GPS Courtship System - 4/22/08

[Smartmarriages]

- DR LAURA AND GEORGE BARNA SAY THEY LIKE IT!!
- JERK OR GEM?: GPS SYSTEM TO GUIDE YOU IN

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- DR LAURA AND GEORGE BARNA LIKE IT!!

It doesn't get much better than this.  Mike & Harriet McManus had two big
media hits for their new book "Living Together, Myths, Risks & Answers" this
week.  

Not only did national pollster George Barna write a very positive review of
the book (see below), they just found out that Dr Laura is giving away
copies of the book to listeners of her radio show.  Mike says he didn't know
about it ­ that Dr Laura must have decided to do this on her own steam. He
says it makes sense as she often expresses her opinions that cohabitation is
a flawed idea but this was a very nice surprise and the kind of endorsement
one can only dream about. Dr Laura is doing give-aways all week. Mike says
if you don't win a book from Dr Laura, drop by the Marriage Savers booth in
San Francisco and enter your name for drawings they'll do there. In addition
to a two-day pre-conference training institute they'll also present several
workshops including one on Cohabitation.

> 414 - Friday, July 4
> Marriage Savers for Cohabiting Couples
> Mike and Harriet McManus
> Half of couples live together before marriage. This faith-based marriage
> preparation model uses mentors & an inventory to improve these couples¹ odds.
> Adaptations for low-income, out-of-wedlock parents.
  
---------------
Book Review of 
Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers
by George Barna

Authors Mike and Harriet McManus
Publisher: Howard Books
Hardback; 202 pages; $20 retail Marriage is in trouble in the United States.

You can see it in the declining number of people who get married. It is
evident in the fact that the U.S. has the highest divorce rate among
developed nations. You can sense its deterioration based on the effort to
legitimize gay marriage.

Even public opinion about the importance of marriage is slipping. This new
book by Mike and Harriet McManus addresses a critical aspect of that
problem: cohabitation.

Based on the McManus¹s extensive experience with seeking to strengthen
traditional marriages, this volume is a welcome addition to the practical
literature on the subject, offering viable strategies for enhancing marriage
as well as recent information about the state of marriage and cohabitation..

Early in the book you will read why cohabitation is something we should be
paying attention to if we care about saving marriages. A useful tool is the
list of myths about cohabitation. The book notes that people cohabit for a
variety of reasons, but the result is generally the same, regardless of the
motivation: a failed relationship, whether marriage ensued or not.

Among the reasons cited for the break-up of cohabiters are the mistrust of
marriage, the lack of positive experience with marriage in their family of
origin, the absence of male commitment, increasing cultural acceptance of
both cohabitation and divorce, and financial benefits.

Surprisingly few people seem to be aware of the risks inherent in
cohabitation. Chief among those is the potential for experiencing violence.
A different but no less significant risk is that of bearing children without
a committed family bond. Economic hardship, rampant infidelity, legal
entanglements and more are detailed with depressing clarity by the authors.

Depending on your faith perspective, of course, there are all kinds of
arguments that can be made in relation to the cohabitation experience. It is
biblically forbidden. It is historically ineffective. It pales in comparison
to legitimate marriage as a satisfying or lasting relationship.

But cohabitation has become an accepted way of life in America, despite its
flaws and failings. What can be done?

The authors use the second half of the book to describe a variety of means
that churches can implement to blunt the harsh effects of unmarried people
living together. Drawing on their successful endeavors related to the
Marriage Savers ministry, they offer a practical approach to counteracting
cohabitation. Included among their detailed recommendations for churches are
implementation of a premarital inventory; training and assignment of mentor
couples; providing the skills to resolve conflict; establishing and
supporting a church policy regarding cohabitation; and a process for
educating couples about cohabitation and marriage.

Perhaps the most important step in this approach that is widely overlooked
is the role of married mentors. While identifying and preparing married
couples to be effective mentors is a challenging task, the impact of those
mentors can be staggering.

This shouldn¹t be news to us; coaching is critical in every aspect of
development, from leadership training, the athletics to child development.
Good coaches or mentors change people¹s lives! Why shouldn¹t we expect that
to be the case in marriage, as well? This book not only describes how to
equip couples to be influential mentors, but provides the statistical
back-up as to the difference such coaching makes in relationships..

The book concludes with a chapter about the Community Marriage Policy, the
cornerstone of the Marriage Savers strategy enacted through churches. The
brief explanation of the policy and its impact to date is compelling. In an
age where marriage is under attack, churches are overwhelmed by the
challenges related to marriage, and there is limited united and productive
action undertaken across church lines, the Community Marriage Policy is
something that every pastor should consider adopting.

This book doesn¹t take long to read. But if you take the information and
recommendations to heart, its impact will be long-lasting. GB
 
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- JERK OR GEM?: GPS SYSTEM TO GUIDE YOU IN

Here's an article that features John Van Epp who will present a Thursday
keynote "Waiting to Marry" at the San Francisco Smart Marriages conference
where he'll present his step-by-step GPS system for how to approach
courtship in ways that help create a successful marriage.  In addition to
the keynote, he'll will present a seminar on Sat afternoon and a training
institute in his MARRIAGE LINKS program all day Sunday.

The Saturday seminar features his Teach-Out-Of-the-Box (TOOB) program "How
to Avoid Marrying a Jerk".  If you know people in the SF Bay area let them
know they can attend these 90-min seminars, Sat 4-5:30pm, for only $15.

 Here's a list of the 18 seminars:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/seminars.html

Jerk or gem?
Being certain you've found the right mate takes time and good judgment
Toronto Sun
April 22, 2008 
By JOANNE RICHARD

> Van Epp designed an effective GPS for dating, a user-friendly method to help
> people find "the one" and determine the character of their partner based on
> compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and
> previous relationships.

The cake is fabulous, the dress to die for, the vows penned to perfection
and the groom ... a jerk.

A jerk? In the delirium of wedding decisions and drama, the most important
detail for happily ever may be brushed aside, along with those nagging
doubts and red flags. In our fast-paced, love-hungry society, Dr. John Van
Epp says we rush into romance and may end up with the jerk instead of the
gem. People lose their heads and common sense, not only minimizing
shortcomings, but often overlooking them all together.

The love-is-blind infection, spread by intoxicating emotional and hormonal
accelerants, rages out of control and leaves 'em flat on their back -- so to
speak.

"Highly accelerated emotional and sexual involvement right from the
beginning clouds our judgment -- people can't think straight," says Van Epp,
a prominent marriage and family therapist. "It's easy to get fooled when you
are in love. Everything blurs."

And it seems good-hearted people are the biggest jerk-magnets "because
good-hearted people so quickly forgive, overlook problems, minimize
shortcomings and give second chances."

The love coach wants to help people be jerkless by telling them how to avoid
dating a jerk as well as How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (McGraw-Hill) -- the
title of his book and workshops.
    
First of all, says Van Epp, "jerks have no gender."

"The only difference is the package they come in." The most fundamental
tell-tale feature of true jerks is their persistent resistance to ever
changing their core jerk qualities, i.e. players who are addicted to the
frequent fix of new love and repeatedly break boundaries. They're
narcissistic and unlikely to change.

Another major jerk trait: Total and utter inability to ever see anything
from anyone else's perspective. Add to that emotional instability.

"Failure to express feelings appropriately immobilizes one's ability to
build healthy relationships and relate intimately," Van Epp says.

You can bet bad performance in dating often translates to bad performance in
marriage, says Van Epp. But the love-struck still charge ahead.

"Most people conclude within a relatively short time that they really know
the other person, and consequently, they shut their investigative eyes" and
stop analyzing information, he adds.

The lightbulb comes on way too late.

"Even couples who live together swear they have big surprises when they
marry," says New York couples counsellor Sharyn Wolf. "You need to get past
the falling in love stage to make a good decision ... Falling in love is
like a mini-psychosis -- it is designed to up the hormonal ante; it is
designed biologically so that you don't think."

Van Epp designed an effective GPS for dating, a user-friendly method to help
people find "the one" and determine the character of their partner based on
compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and
previous relationships.

Take your time -- probation for at least three months with limited physical
involvement. And take at least two years getting to know each other before
tying the knot.

"Time reveals patterns, provides opportunities to observe a person in
various situations and contexts," he says, adding that people can maintain a
certain way of acting in the first year, while the second year reveals
patterns that foretell the future.

"The things you don't like in the falling-in-love stage will make you nuts
in the being-in-love stage -- a good reason to wait long enough to know if
you can live with them," stresses Wolf.

Meanwhile, according to Van Epp, the crucial characteristics of a good life
partner: He/she has a conscience, empathy, brings out the best in you, and
is consistent in how they act with you and with others. For example, how
does he treat wait staff, strangers, the cleaning lady? Expect the same
behaviour later on.

The big key is to be together long enough to see all his moods and how
she/he conducts life, leisure, family and friendships, adds Wolf.

HOW DO YOU SPOT A JERK?

Marriage counsellor Sharyn Wolf suggests rethinking your relationship -- and
impending nuptials -- if any of these red flags come up:

- You stop seeing and talking to friends and family. You don't want to tell
them anything or because he doesn't want you to be close to them.

- You have ongoing distress that lasts more than a month and nothing you do
seems to make it go away.

- You don't like yourself, the way you behave and the way he makes you feel;
one or both of you is depressed and miserable.

- Either partner becomes physically or verbally threatening.

- There is a relative or third person deeply, terribly overly intrusive in
your relationship and the two of you can't work it out.

http://www.torontosun.com/Lifestyle/2008/04/22/5353511-sun.html

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