Get Listed / Unhealthy Marriages = Unhealthy Families - 4/18/08

Fri Apr 18 14:33:44 EDT 2008

- TODAY'S WALL ST JOURNAL: GET YOUR PROGRAMS LISTED!
- NOTE: NO programs listed in AK, MS, ND, OK, SD, WY ?!?
- UNHEALTHY MARRIAGE AFFECTS THE WHOLE FAMILY

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- TODAY'S WALL ST JOURNAL: GET YOUR PROGRAMS LISTED!

>From today's Wall St Journal:

> Work & Family Mailbox, WSJ
> April 17, 2008; Page D2
> 
> Q: How can I find affordable marriage counseling? My husband and I need help,
> but he won't go and he won't pay for me to go either.
> --G.N.
> 
> A: One option your husband may find more acceptable is to enroll in a
> marriage-education program, says Diane Sollee, director of
> www.smartmarriages.com, a Web site that lists such programs. These courses
> teach relationship skills and are typically offered over a weekend or several
> evenings in community centers, churches, schools, retreat centers and other
> settings, she says. Prices range from free to about $350. Marriage education
> is sometimes acceptable to people who reject talk therapy, Ms. Sollee says; it
> requires couples only to listen and practice what they've learned in private.
> If your husband resists, some programs allow one spouse to attend alone.

TO LIST YOUR PROGRAM: Send a 100 word listing with contact info and I'll get
you posted immediately.  Listing includes a live link to your website. We're
getting lots of visits today due to several articles like this one that list
the site. 
Preview Directory at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Directory.BrowsePrograms
----------------------
****NOTE: We have NO Marriage Education programs listed for these states!!??
AK, MS, ND, OK, SD, WY

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- UNHEALTHY MARRIAGE AFFECTS THE WHOLE FAMILY

Working Dad: Two parents minus passion equals an unhealthy marriage for the
whole family
Seattle Post Intelligencer
April 17, 2008 
PAUL NYHAN

Here's another very useful article that also lists the smartmarriages
directory. 

> "I always tell parents that the very, very best thing they can do for their
> kids is put their marriage first," said Michele Weiner-Davis, author of "The
> Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido."

> The good news for Seattleites is they live in area of serious research on
> healthy marriages. The region has two sites of a federally funded project on
> the topic, plus Jordan's private practice, Becoming Parents Inc., and the
> nationally known Gottman Institute.
> 
> These programs practice couples education, not therapy. They learn basic
> relationship skills and communication, which is the obvious and often
> overlooked key to wedded bliss.
> 
> "These are not programs designed for couples who would say 'We are having
> major problems,' these are really designed for every couple because every
> couple can benefit," Jordan said.

If you think a neglected marriage just creates two unhappy parents, think
again. Marital strife has been associated with heart disease, depressed
immune systems and even the common cold, not to mention unhappy children.

Yet today's stressed working parents can't find a lot of affordable, quality
parenting education, says veteran Seattle-based family educator and
researcher Pamela Jordan.

They could use it. Modern parenting is increasingly defined by two working
parents, spending more time at work and raising their children in a culture
of intense child rearing. It is easy for a marriage to gather dust.

If it does, both parenting and a marriage suffer, experts say.

"I always tell parents that the very, very best thing they can do for their
kids is put their marriage first," said Michele Weiner-Davis, author of "The
Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido."

Not surprisingly, sex is a good barometer of marital neglect. Today one in
five couples are in a sexless marriage -- defined as having sex 10 times or
less a year -- and that's a problem because once a couple stops having sex,
they often stop laughing at each other's jokes and being close, says
Weiner-Davis, raising the risk of infidelity and divorce.

But sex isn't the only casualty of a neglected marriage. For example,
marital squabbling may damage a parent's heart, and not just the
metaphorical organ.

Wives who fought with their spouses had a higher risk of hardening of the
arteries, reports MedicineNet.com. Husbands were more likely to suffer from
the coronary problem when either they or their wives "acted in a controlling
manner," the medical journal reported.

The good news for Seattleites is they live in area of serious research on
healthy marriages. The region has two sites of a federally funded project on
the topic, plus Jordan's private practice, Becoming Parents Inc., and the
nationally known Gottman Institute.

These programs practice couples education, not therapy. They learn basic
relationship skills and communication, which is the obvious and often
overlooked key to wedded bliss.

"These are not programs designed for couples who would say 'We are having
major problems,' these are really designed for every couple because every
couple can benefit," Jordan said.

Think Dharma and Greg, not Sam and Diane.

Or think Maari Falsetto and Richard Spry, a happily married West Seattle
couple.

After an intense six-month courtship, the two married in 1999 and quickly
had their first child. Before long, parenting, not passion, was their
priority.

The couple didn't fight about money or parenting, they just had vastly
different styles of communicating.

"She is more ready to speak about emotional issues," Spry said. "Whereas I
am rather more silent."

Instead of fighting they took a few couples classes, and just completed a
Shoreline-based Loving Couples program, one of the federally funded research
projects on marriage. During 12 Saturday sessions they learned new
relationship skills, and that they are not alone.

"It helps you realize where we are is perfectly normal, these challenges are
challenges that a lot of people are having," Falsetto said.

It's easy for parents to put their children ahead of their marriage, but if
they do, often no one benefits, says Jordan, who is a consultant on both
federally financed studies, Building Strong Families and Supporting Healthy
Marriage.

"It's not good for children to be the center of the universe," said Jordan,
an associate professor at the University of Washington. A trained registered
nurse, Jordan runs Becoming Parents, which involves 21 to 24 hours of
workshops with a down-to-earth style on strengthening relationships as
parents add a new baby.

More practical than New Age, Jordan teaches couples how to give massages and
navigate the tricky landscape of sex and parenting.

For example, "if you wait until both are feeling horny at the same time, you
are going to wait a long time," Jordan says.

But the 17-year-old program is really about communication, not over the
morning coffee or across a pillow, but at scheduled times, when couples
tackle marriage, the household and parenting.

For example, Jordan suggests setting aside a short time every day to hang
out with your partner, without any talk about the kids or fighting.

She recommends other meetings to gain what many parents say they want:
work-family balance.

"I think people feel as if their lives are out of control, but they (decided
to be) out of control," Jordan said.

Jordan also spends time leveling the playing field, bringing dads into the
discussion, explaining how their style can enhance child rearing and how
important both parents are.

When Jordan first began working on parenting education nearly 20 years ago,
she says there was a false assumption that parents with enough money would
take advantage of couples education.

"There really isn't a lot that's available," Jordan says.

If you can find a course or class, there is one giant payoff for parents:
"All the lessons you learn are directly applicable to your child," Jordan
said.

HELP FOR COUPLES

Looking for resources on couples education? Start here:

# Becoming Parents Inc.: becomingparents.com, 206-686-1880

# Smartmarriages.com

# "The Sex-Starved Marriage" author Michele Weiner-Davis' Web site:
divorcebusting.com.

# The Gottman Institute, www.gottman.com, gottman at gottman.com, 888-523-9042
or 206-523-9042

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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
June 30-July 6, 2008  (General Conference July 2-5)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6
DOWNLOAD a conference brochure and register at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/download.brochure.html

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

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