Love Styles / Marriage Policies / The Second Half - 4/3/08

[Smartmarriages]

- 10 MIN "LOVE STYLES" SURVEY - APRIL 11 CLOSING DATE
- MARRIAGE IS BEST FOR HAPPY FAMILIES
- RETIREMENT AND MARRIAGE: THE SECOND HALF

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- 10 MIN "LOVE STYLES" SURVEY - APRIL 11 CLOSING DATE

I got a request this morning from another student that needs survey data.
She politely asked ­ saying she realizes I may not want to inundate the list
with survey requests.  Let's try to help - this is a short one on
parenting/love styles - like the Chapman Love Language model.
Requirements: married or cohabiting with children of any age (bio or step)
still living at home. Thanks for helping. - d
-------

The purpose of this study is to examine how family members demonstrate love
for their children and/or step children and if emotional love styles are
similar and reciprocated. My end goal is to create a pre-marital EDUCATIONAL
PROGRAM based on the results.
 
The survey takes only 10 minutes. Participants are asked to read the love
style descriptions and rank first and second preferences for you, your
children and if applicable, your stepchildren.

All information will remain confidential. Participation is through Survey
Monkey ( a data collector ) and there is no way the information from the
data can be traced back to you as no identifying data is asked on the
survey. 
 
Link for survey:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=UjmhKfxd55phJjDclORfkA_3d_3d

survey response cut off: Friday, 4/11/08
 
If you have questions, please contact Mary Heck, MSW grad student researcher
at Temple University, <mailto:mheck at temple.edu>
 
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- MARRIAGE IS BEST FOR HAPPY FAMILIES
Western Daily Press (United Kingdom)
April 3, 2008 

[An interesting and encouraging analysis with wonderful marriage-policy tips
from our friend Harry across the pond. -d]

> So the question for policy-makers really ought to be how to increase the
> national stock of commitment or "dedication". In particular, how can we
> encourage men to make clear decisions about their future?
> 
> Instead of pretending that it doesn't matter whether a couple marries or not,
> the Government should be sending clear signals that it values and supports
> marriage. Instead of providing the current financial incentive for couples to
> live apart, or pretend to do so, the Government should remove this penalty and
> even provide a bonus to married couples.
> 
> Instead of describing couples as "married or living together as if married" on
> official forms and much worse, the Government should openly and unashamedly
> use the language of marriage - husband, wife, and spouse.
> 
> These are but signals. Perhaps the most hopeful and practical way to improve
> dedication is through relationship education.

 
Wedding rates have fallen to the lowest on record but Harry Benson, who runs
relationship courses for couples and parents, explains why marriage may be
down but is certainly not out

The Office of National Statistics announced only last week that marriage
rates had fallen to the lowest on record. Four per cent fewer couples tied
the knot in 2006 than during the previous year.

Marriages rates (the proportion of single adults who marry in a given year)
are now down two- thirds from their peak in 1970.

So is this the end of marriage, as traditionalists might claim? Is the
Government to blame? And does it really matter?

There are really two stories behind these figures. The first is about the
statistics themselves.

The latest surveys and population studies show that three-quarters of all UK
adults in their 30s are either already married or will get married at some
stage; two- thirds of first marriages still manage to last a lifetime, and
six out of every seven couples in the UK today are married.

If present trends continue as they are, Government forecasters still project
that five out of every seven couples will be married 20 years hence.

Despite the long-term downtrend, marriage thus remains remarkably popular,
resilient and successful for the vast majority of British adults.

It's also possible that the recent decline is overstated. A closer look at
the 2006 figures released last week reveals that the four per cent decline
from the previous year comes entirely from fewer off-season weddings.

The number of midsummer weddings remained almost exactly the same as in 2005
and is little changed over the few years before that.

Given magazine reports suggesting the "average" wedding costs an
eye-watering £20,000, it may be that many couples are sensibly taking the
cheaper, smaller and warmer option of getting married overseas.

Marriage may be down. But it is far from out.

The second story is about why the decline of marriage is an issue of growing
importance for public policy. For as long as marriage rates have fallen,
family breakdown has risen. In the 1960s and 1970s, rising family breakdown
was driven mainly by rising divorce rates.

Because divorce rates have remained largely unchanged since the mid-1980s,
family breakdown for the last 20 years has been driven since entirely by the
collapse of unmarried families.

Fewer marriages translate directly to increased family breakdown and an
ever-rising bill for the taxpayer, never mind the painful costs to
individuals and families themselves. Family breakdown now costs the taxpayer
at least £20 billion every year.

Politicians and policy-makers often claim that it's not marriage that keeps
people together. They claim that family background is the most important
factor and that Government policy should not encourage marriage.

Two years ago, I conducted the largest-ever analysis of family breakdown in
the UK, based on the Millennium Cohort Study of 15,000 mothers who had
three-year-old children.

Even when comparing couples of similar age, income, education, and ethnic
background, unmarried parents were still more than twice as likely to split
up during this period.

In fact, the single biggest influence on whether a couple stayed together or
split up was not income or education - although these matter. It was whether
couples were married or not. Something about being married matters a great
deal. The latest research evidence suggests the difference lies in the
attitudes and behaviours that are more often found among married couples.
It's not so much marriage but what marriage represents.

One of the most compelling findings is that men and women commit in
different ways. Women tend to commit when they live with a partner. Men tend
to commit when they make a clear decision about their future.

Men who slide into a relationship - as do many unmarried couples - tend to
have lower levels of commitment compared to men who make clear decisions
about their future.

Deciding to pop the question may not be the only way for a man to show
lifelong commitment. But it is the clearest possible sign a woman can get.

So the question for policy-makers really ought to be how to increase the
national stock of commitment or "dedication". In particular, how can we
encourage men to make clear decisions about their future?

Instead of pretending that it doesn't matter whether a couple marries or
not, the Government should be sending clear signals that it values and
supports marriage. Instead of providing the current financial incentive for
couples to live apart, or pretend to do so, the Government should remove
this penalty and even provide a bonus to married couples.

Instead of describing couples as "married or living together as if married"
on official forms and much worse, the Government should openly and
unashamedly use the language of marriage - husband, wife, and spouse.

These are but signals. Perhaps the most hopeful and practical way to improve
dedication is through relationship education.

The latest short courses apply evidence-based principles that help couples
increase the quality and stability of their relationship, whether married or
not.

Make a visit to the website www.bcft.co.uk and look under "tips and help" to
get a good idea how to apply these sorts of principles to your own
relationship.

The Bristol Community Family Trust has been pioneering effective and
enjoyable new programmes for parents, for couples who are getting married,
and other groups.

During the last year alone, our charity has run 70 courses for more than 900
people in the greater Bristol area, through health visitors and clinics,
schools, churches and prisons.

If we want to see family breakdown reversed, these are the kind of steps
that need to be taken on a national scale. It starts with a public
recognition of what the research is telling us.

Marriage, and the attitudes it represents, really matter.

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- RETIREMENT AND MARRIAGE: THE SECOND HALF

Retirement and its potential impact on a marriage
By the American Counseling Association
The Daily Observer
April 3, 2008 

[We should all have programs in place to shore up marriages in the
retirement stage.  Check out the Arp's TOOB program The Second Half:
> 307- Thursday, July 3, SF
> The Second Half ­ TOOB
> Claudia and David Arp, MSW
> Teach empty nesters to reinvent their marriage, avoid divorce, and make the
> rest the best. Great for mentor couples to teach in church or community. Bonus
> "Dates for Empty Nesters" material.]

Most couples look forward to the time and opportunities retirement can
bring. And they should. It allows couples quality time together and a chance
to do things that you've both looked forward to.

But sometimes retirement can also add stress to a marriage. It's important
to realize retirement means more than just not working. It always brings
very significant changes in one's life.

One change is the loss of identity that often accompanies leaving a job.
Most of us, whether male or female, define ourselves with that job title
that we use in response to the "what do you do" question. But when no longer
being that "vice president" or "department manager," it's common to
experience a sense of diminished self-worth because you are no longer
"doing" something of value.

Depression can result, especially for someone who has been dedicated to a
job and developed few interests or friends outside the workplace. Such
depression, and the health problems it may bring, can certainly add stress
to a marriage.

Money can also be a source of retirement marital stress. Retirement incomes
seldom match pre-retirement pay checks, yet expenses may be even higher.
Medical bills might increase, or travel and other retirement activities may
cost more than planned for.

Even the extra time together that retirement brings can sometimes be a
source of stress. For many wives, retirement can mean "twice as much husband
and half as much money."

A newly-retired spouse may interrupt the established daily routine of his or
her spouse, expecting to be the center of attention now that work no longer
calls.

Or that extra time together may bring forward marriage problems that were
ignored when the demands of a job kept a couple apart for significant parts
of the day.

Does retirement always bring stress and trouble to a marriage? Of course
not. Most couples handle retirement extremely well and enjoy their golden
years together.

But don't ignore the warning signs of problems that retirement might bring.
Retirement-related marriage problems won't magically disappear.

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Diane Sollee, Director
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http://www.smartmarriages.com
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