Adolescent Brains | Oprah - Why did you get married? | Cancer | -9/27/07

[Smartmarriages]

- PARENTING ADOLESCENTS
- OPRAH: SEX AND WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED SURVEY
- CANCER AND DIVORCE

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- PARENTING ADOLESCENTS

This one isn't about marriage, but because parenting teens can pose such
challenges to marriage, thought I should share these two illuminating
articles in today's USA TODAY. - diane

Teens driven to distraction
Research probes link between young BRAINS and risk-taking
By Sharon Jayson, page 1D
http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/life/20070927/d_cover27.art.htm


What exactly is going on in your teenager's head?
How to tell if a child is troubled ‹ or has typical adolescent angst
Adolescent behavior has baffled parents for generations, but today's culture
is especially rife with potential pitfalls that can trip up even the best of
teens. By Sharon Jayson, page 7D
http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/life/20070927/bl_cover27.art.htm

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- OPRAH: SEX AND WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED SURVEY

> Diane, I received the following email from an Arizona legislator.  She
> suggests we forward it to those that might want to fight the battle against
> the trivialization of porn and its effects on families. You might want to
> check this out and possibly alert your list.
> Jane Jimenez, Phoenix, AZ

> -----------------------
>> Sent: Friday, August 31, 2007 9:49 PM
>> Subject: Oprah Show
>>   
>> Hello Friends and Family,
>>  
>> As I am usually a big fan, I flew to Chicago to attend a taping of Oprah's
>> show with a few girl friends.  Initially it was very exciting and fun, but
>> once they announced the topic (you never know beforehand) that excitement
>> turned to disappointment and embarrassment.  The topic was "How to Spice up
>> Your Sex Life". 
>>  
>> Oprah started by promoting a book By Dr. Pepper Schwartz called "Prime" which
>> deals with her sexual adventures as a 60 year woman on countless one night
>> stands around the world. She advocated adding sexual adventures (one night
>> stands, anonymous partners, etc) to your life for women over age 50 whether
>> or 
>> not they are married.
>>  
>> The show went from bad to worse as Oprah posited that Erotica and Pornography
>> could be acceptable and her guest encouraged people to use porn (movies,
>> magazines, affairs) to enhance their relationships. Oprah's panel of experts
>> that offer advice for relationships said that they regularly prescribe
>> pornography to couples as a positive means to spice up their sex life and
>> intimacy.  
>>  
>> She then interviewed a couple who was advocating and practicing an "open
>> marriage".  At no time, did the panel discuss or did Oprah argue about
>> problems or devastation that these ill-conceived ideas can have on a
>> marriage.
>>  
>> I'm writing in hopes that I can convince each of you to help get the word to
>> Oprah that this topic is exactly the thing that is destroying families and
>> individuals in America. We must protect our families from the pornography and
>> filth that is so prevalent today.  We have to take a stand and convince her
>> producers that this show should not be shown.
>>  
>> Go to http://www.Oprah.com and click on the link on the left side that says
>> e-mail us.  The sooner the better.  As of yet, this show does not appear up
>> on 
>> her upcoming show list.  Let's keep it that way.
>> Thanks,
>> Kim Lay
>>  
>> PS- Please forward this to anyone else who would like to fight in the battle
>> of the trivialization of porn and its effects on families.


As most of you know, I Tivo Oprah so can tell you that it's too late, as
this legislator hoped, to get Oprah to can the show. It aired this week,
Tues, Sept 25th.  It was titled "237 Reasons to Have Sex" though the title
didn't seem to fit. And, trust me, the porn was the least of it - in fact,
the porn discussion felt like the high point of the show. If you visit the
website you get a very cleaned up - almost academic - text about each of the
the concepts in each segment of the show (it's NOT a transcript in any way
which is misleading, I think). For the Dr Schwartz segment, the text makes
the point that sex can still be good and confidence building for older
women.  On the show, however, Schwartz gave examples from her own
after-divorce adventures (when asked why her sex life was so good, she
answered 'because I'm divorced') peppered with advice like always carry a
condom (fear of AIDS at this age, not pregnancy) and if he protests that he
can't maintain an erection using a condom, do as she does, just switch to
oral sex. Insane and dangerous for so many reasons. The open-marriage couple
was first shown at home - doing normal, young-couple-with-kids daily
routines, holding hands as they stroll around their community. He works,
she's a stay-at-home MOM who knits. Because the husband thought she might be
curious since she married so young at 18, they decided she could/should have
sex with other men. She begins flirting and then a love affair with one of
their (also married) friends. She says she couldn't do it unless she also
loved him (the friend) and she still, of course, very much loves her
husband. So, as the husband and wife explain: "She now simply has more love
in her life".  The friend hangs out with husband and wife - they all play
board games together. Then she retires with "her sweetie" for sex in the
guest room. This is classified on the show as NOT being adultery because
it's not sneaking around. Oprah never asked if the other wife knows about
the arrangement (of course, she does now.) Then there were three women who
described their satisfying use of porn, which Oprah and the experts
explained is called erotica now that women use it.  And, there was a
well-preserved woman who talked about how satisfying she finds sex with
younger men.  She also maintains, as does Dr Schwartz, a long-standing,
satisfying relationship with a "friend with benefits".  Dr Schwartz's says
her ongoing "friend with benefits" relationship has endured for more than 35
years - even during her 21 year marriage (with kids).  He's got a life,
she's got a life and they meet for sex and to enjoy each other
intellectually, comforted by the fact that it will never mean anything more
than that. Just all so satisfying. As I watched I kept thinking, "kids are
watching" and one of Oprah's favorite maxims kept running through my mind:
that what we say to children writes on their brains and changes who they
are.  Yep.

Here's the url for this particular show, with photos and text:
http://tinyurl.com/ynksxp

I share this because you might want to visit the site and comment.
Oprah.com has a current campaign that asks "Why did you get married?". It's
one of those opportunities we keep talking about - you could write about why
you chose marriage over cohabitation (use some of the stats in that last
post) or something about benefits for kids of married parents, or whatever -
talk about how the research shows that married folks have more sex, and more
satisfying sex so you got married just to be greedy.  This survey is
possibly for a show on the new movie, "Why Did I Get Married?" with Janet
Jackson and Tyler Perry that releases Oct 12, though seems this doesn't
allow much time - that's only two weeks away.  Whatever it's about the more
of you commenting, the better:  http://www.whydidigetmarriedthemovie.com/

>  Why Did You Get Married?
> 
> Have you taken a good look at your marriage lately? Is your marriage what you
> thought it would be?
> 
> Have you had to deal with issues of commitment or betrayal or forgiveness? Has
> there been a time when you seriously considered whether or not you really
> wanted to stay with your spouse?
> 
> Over the years, have you had to figure out a way to maintain true love and a
> solid relationship even during difficult times? And during the rough patches,
> have you ever secretly asked yourself the question: "WHY did I get married?"
> 
> If so, we'd like to hear from you.
> 
> Write to us and tell us all about the things that made you ask that question
> and also tell us all about the things that make you stay. Be sure to include
> lots of details, and remember -- write ONLY if you and your spouse are willing
> to share your story on television.

To complete the questionnaire, go to:
> http://tinyurl.com/2659jo

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- CANCER AND DIVORCE

Testicular, Cervical Cancer Raise Risk of Divorce
Bloomberg.com 
By Dermot Doherty
Sept 27, 2008 

Sept. 27 (Bloomberg) -- Testicular and cervical cancers, diseases that can
decrease sexual desire and fertility, raise the risk that a marriage will
end in divorce, a study shows.

Women who develop cervical tumors are 40 percent more likely to get
divorced, while a marriage is 20 percent more likely to collapse if the
husband develops testicular cancer, according to the study presented today
at the European Cancer Conference in Barcelona. The incidence of breakups
isn't higher when a partner develops another form of the disease.

Cervical cancer is the second-most common cancer among women and kills
250,000 a year worldwide, according to the World Health Organization.
Testicular cancer, which mainly affects younger men, is the most treatable
of all tumors, with a cure rate of more than 90 percent in newly diagnosed
patients.

``The increased divorce rate may be related to factors associated with
sexuality and intimacy,'' Astri Syse, a researcher at the Norwegian Cancer
Registry in Oslo, said at the conference. ``Issues related to intimacy and
sexuality may be troublesome for younger persons.''

Current treatments for testicular cancer include the removal of the affected
testicle and chemotherapy, while women with cervical cancer are sometimes
treated with implants of radioactive cesium in the vagina. Merck & Co. and
Sanofi-Aventis SA developed Gardasil, a vaccine against the sexually
transmitted viral strains that cause cervical cancer. GlaxoSmithKline Plc
makes a competing product, Cervarix.

Sexual Counselling

``During the course of treatment, sexual function will certainly be
impaired,'' said Dr. John Smyth, professor of medical oncology at the
University of Edinburgh and the outgoing president of the Federation of
European Cancer Societies. ``Part of the care of people with testes and
cervical cancer should be sexual counselling.''

The greater burden of caring for a spouse can also be more difficult to
accept at a younger age when illness is least expected, according to Syse.
The research looked at divorce rates among 215,000 cancer survivors over a
17-year period and compared them with those of couples unaffected by the
disease. The study included all 3 million married people in Norway.

Divorce rates actually fell in the initial years after diagnosis of cancer
when the cervical and testicular forms of the disease weren't involved, the
study found. Men with colorectal cancer had a 21 percent lower risk of
splitting up, while women with the disease had an 18 percent lower risk. The
likelihood of divorce was also lower for lung, prostate and breast tumors.

Stronger Bonds

The reduced rate of marriage breakdown may be due to stronger bonds between
spouses as a result of cancer diagnosis, Syse said.

``A serious disease may `save' an unsatisfactory relationship because a
breakup would be considered inappropriate in such a situation, or because an
expected fatal outcome will make it `unnecessary','' Syse said.

The study also found that the chances of divorce fell the later in life a
woman was diagnosed with cervical cancer, with the risk of a marriage
breakdown falling to 19 percent for women age 60 from 69 percent for those
age 20. Similarly, the risk of divorce among men with testicular cancer fell
to 16 percent for men age 60 from 34 percent among men age 20.

About 60 percent of cancer patients survive for more than five years after
diagnosis, Syse said.

To contact the reporter on this story: Dermot Doherty in Geneva at
Ddoherty9 at bloomberg.net

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