More Optimization: The First Dance | Pina Colodas | Business | Retirement | Sponsors | Kansas = 9/24/ 07

[Smartmarriages]

- OPPORTUNITIES: MAKE THE TIME
- THE FIRST DANCE: MORE LESSONS ON OPTIMIZATION!!
- IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS
- MARRIAGE IS GOOD BUSINESS
- COUPLES WORK TO ADJUST TO RETIREMENT ­ TOGETHER
- SAVING ARMY MARRIAGES: ONE BOOK AND SPONSOR AT A TIME
- REPORT ON THE KANSAS MARRIAGE SUMMIT
 
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- OPPORTUNITIES: MAKE THE TIME
 
Here is an email Kathy Beirne sent Carolyn Hax regarding one of
her "Tell Me About" columns ­ and Carolyn's reply. There are so many
opportunities like this, if you all just make the time, sooner or later
we'll have the world educated. ;)   - diane

> To: tellme at washpost.com
> From: Kathy Beirne <Kbeirne at maine.rr.com>
> Date: 09/22/2007 11:07AM
> Subject: premarital counseling

> As longtime marriage educators, we were delighted to see your column
> encouraging premarital counseling. But I'd like to include a pitch
> for premarital education. Recent studies indicate that lay couples
> offering education classes can be as effective as counselors in
> providing premarital education and if one of the couple fears the
> label of therapy, then education might be just the ticket. While that
> used to be mainly the province of churches, nowadays many programs
> exist in communities that are not attached to churches. Solid
> relationship programs like PREP, PAIRS, Relationship Enhancement, all
> now also have premarriage programs. Many also involve premarital
> inventories, like FOCCUS or PREPARE, that allow the couple to see for
> themselves the areas they have not discussed.
>
> We recently heard a speaker say, you wouldn't expect your car to run
> without an oil change, or your garden to grow without watering, so
> why should you expect your marriage to flourish with any help?
>
> Being in the DC area, you may have heard of the organization called
> Smart Marriages which is a coalition of therapists, educators,
> researchers, clergy and others working to make marriages stronger and
> make support for marriage more available to all couples. It has been
> in existence for the last ten years, and has been a tremendous
> resource for those of us in this field. The last conference, held in
> Denver last June, had over 2,500 people there.
>
> Anyway, thank you again for supporting this (from our point of view)
> very important piece of education. Last March my husband and I
> celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. We believe our role is to be
> cheerleaders, letting young couples know that they too can have a
> lifelong, happy, healthy marriage. We appreciate your very public
> endorsement of this effort.
>
> Steve and Kathy Beirne
> Portland, ME
-------------------
> From: Tellme Internet DropBox <tellme at washpost.com>
> Date: September 24, 2007 10:45:13 AM EDT
> To: Kathy Beirne <Kbeirne at maine.rr.com>
> Subject: Re: premarital counseling
>   
> Thank you! And I appreciate your perspective on the pre-marital counseling
> options available beyond the usual church-or-therapist choices. I'll be sure
> to look into Smart Marriages. CH

##########################

- THE FIRST DANCE: MORE LESSONS ON OPTIMIZATION!!

Speaking of premarital education, the First Dance continues to build
momentum.  Several of you were confused when I sent the email about
Doherty's Marriage Friendly Therapy Registry.  You thought what he presented
a Wedding program at Smart Marriages in Denver. Actually, he presented both
­ a training institute and workshop on the Marriage Friendly Registry and a
keynote with his daughter Elizabeth on The First Dance.

I strongly encourage you to visit the new updated First Dance website.
Elizabeth has put the same "optimizing" strategies to work on the this
website that she used on the Marriage Friendly site, and got the same effect
which - both sites have now bumped up much higher in search engines. The
site is a great example of what is meant by 'optimizing'. It would help if
you could see the before and after, but you'll just have to imagine a very
clean site with just a few links vs the current version with smaller photo
and much more text. Another important thing she did is add a series of
articles that attract younger generation couples. And they are letting you
copy these articles and post them on your own websites. This helps spread
their message about why wedding and marriage preparation matters and,
according to Elizabeth, doing so will also help to optimize your site which
she says also will optimize the First Dance site. Apparently, this is really
a case where helping your neighbor also helps yourself WHILE you are also
helping all those couples and lowering the divorce rate.  Sweet.  They've
also posted the commercial they showed at their keynote in Denver. If you
missed it, you can watch it on-line. It's only 30 seconds...I've never heard
an announcer that could talk that fast.  Just click on link in upper left
corner.   
 
In their mission to bridge the WEDDING WORLD and MARRIAGE EDUCATION FIELDS,
they're launching a new service that will list premarital counselors on
their site.  There is also a link to anyone offering The First Dance group
classes, to PREPARE/ENRICH instructors, and to smartmarriages.com for
information about all other programs. As Elizabeth explains it, "The more we
can make it easy to find ALL of us, the more couples will take premarital
education AND the wonderful side benefit is that the more sites you link to
that then link back to you, the higher your ratings go with Google, Yahoo,
etc."   It takes a village.  ;)

http://www.thefirstdance.com/
 
http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/

######################
- IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS

I received a half-dozen observations like this one to the Bosian couple
divorcing after their on-line affair.  Some of you sent the song lyrics.
Yep. - d

> Dear Diane, 
> Regarding the couple who had an on-line affair with each other: Isn¹t this
> just an updated version of the ³Pina Colada Song?² Only in the song, they
> decided to stay together, because the personal ad one placed and the other
> answered simply reminded them of why they had gotten together in the first
> place. Too bad the real-life Bosnian couple couldn¹t do the same.
> Jo

######################
- MARRIAGE IS GOOD BUSINESS

This is preaching to the choir, but it's nice to have it written out in a
first-person account: WHY marriage makes good economic sense from a couple's
point of view.  - diane

Marriage makes good economic sense
September 23, 2007
By Nancy Crawley
The Grand Rapids Press

Marriage is good business.

Of course, you have to marry right. But if you do, your chances are better
that you'll enjoy a happier, more prosperous life.

More important for the rest of us, marriage is good for our economy.

That's what I want to tell the next generation. No, wait, that's what I want
to tell my generation, too.

That's because baby boomers are not staying married at the rate their
parents did.

In fact, the Census Bureau reported last week fewer than half of those who
married in the 1970s stayed together long enough to celebrate their 25th
anniversary.

That compares with 70 percent of their parents who married in the 1950s.

And our children seem less inclined toward marriage, too.

More than half of men now in their late 20s -- once prime age for getting
hitched -- have avoided the altar.

So, today -- my 35th wedding anniversary -- I want to make the economic
argument for marriage.

Marrying Gary Michael Crawley was the best decision of my life. It was then,
and 35 years later, it is still.

As young as I was, I was wise enough to choose a witty, kind, intelligent
man -- did I mention so-o-o handsome? -- who has proven to be a sterling
husband without fail.

Our marriage also proved a wise economic move.

We started out with modest paychecks and an old house. He repaired our cars;
I sewed my own clothes.

Together, we formed a partnership, practical and efficient, so we could
advance our education and our careers, raise our children, own better homes
and build a nest egg for retirement.

Teamwork was the key. My husband worked so I could stay home for a year when
our son was born and I finished up my graduate degree. Before that, he
finished his degree while I supported the family.

Once we were earning full-time paychecks again, we pumped more money into
the economy. We could afford better housing, more reliable cars, the
occasional vacation and contribute to our kids' education funds.

Risks could be taken to improve our situation because we had an unspoken
confidence that one would be there to help the other, now and in the future.

We divide household and family responsibilities so we can be diligent at
work, good parents and grandparents, and keep a minimum level of order in
our lives.

We share dreams of travel and a vacation home that help us stuff the piggy
bank rather than splurge.

At every turn, we can do more as a team than we can individually.

The U.S. economy also benefits. We contribute to higher rates for savings,
home ownership, income growth and education levels -- all bedrocks of a
solid economy.

All along the way, marriage has made good financial sense as well as a good
life for us.

As the years pass, my husband and I will be grateful if we are both around
to help navigate old age.

Of course, marriage is not the only successful option in life, and I would
never make that argument.

Reasons for being single may be very good and very productive. Certainly, a
bad marriage rarely is a good option.

But, as the ranks of married young people shrink and more baby boomers get
divorced, it's time to speak for the strengths of marriage.

It can be an important stabilizer in a community and an economy -- not the
only one but certainly a crucial source of stability.

As I toast my wonderful husband with love, I want to toast the beauty and
strength of our union.

By any measure, we are better together than apart.

©2007 Grand Rapids Press

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- COUPLES WORK TO ADJUST TO RETIREMENT ­ TOGETHER

Couples work to adjust to retirement -- together
By Liza N. Burby
September 21, 2007

Here come the retirement couples.  Get ready to to add classes for couples
facing the challenges of for better and for worse ...and even for lunch. -d
 
> 
> When Barbara stopped working, all kept going well. "Our retirement together
> has been great," says Barbara, and she feels that's because she and Jerry
> created a list of goals and objectives. Jerry wanted that, too.
> 
> They decided all their activities didn't have to be shared, though they always
> meet for dinner.
> 
> "This is a wonderful time of life, when we get to do what we want to do, when
> and with whom we want," says Barbara. "But retirement does require couples to
> communicate their needs."
> 
> Experts say couples often don't plan for their retirement together the way the
> Tavels did. While workers put a lot of energy into preparing for the financial
> ramifications of retirement, little attention tends to be paid to how their
> marriage will be affected.
> 
> This is surprising when you consider that with increased longevity and earlier
> retirements, you're likely to share 20-plus years at home with your spouse,
> says Scott Haltzman, a geriatric psychologist and author of "The Secrets of
> Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever."
> 
> Married couples may have spent the past 30 or more years seeing each other
> only evenings, weekends and vacations. Haltzman says many are not prepared to
> share an extra eight to 10 hours a day, seven days a week. "They haven't
> learned how to play or forgot what it was like before kids and work took up
> all their time," he says. "This can often put unexpected pressures on
> individuals already facing the transitional issues of leaving behind a
> career."

> . . . Concludes Haltzman, "Hopefully, when couples discover all that they can
> do in retirement, they'll find those extra 10 hours a day together isn't
> enough."

For the Newsday article:
http://www.newsday.com/business/ny-bzcov0922,0,352684.story

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- SAVING ARMY MARRIAGES: ONE BOOK AND SPONSOR AT A TIME

Local effort striving to save Army marriages
Eagle's Nest helps church distribute marriage books
By NATE KARLIN
The Leaf-Chronicle
Sept 22, 2007

[Here's a great idea.  Everyone wants to help the troops. It should be easy
to find a local sponsor or organization who will help you give your books to
soldiers. - diane]

Maintaining a healthy marriage is a tough task to accomplish, even when the
couple is living in the same city and under the same roof.

Imagine the pressure military couples must face during and after a yearlong
deployment.

The Rev. Jimmy Terry, with Tabernacle Baptist Church, wants to see those
marriages not only survive during that time period ‹ now 15 months ‹ but
thrive once they're reunited.

With the help of Ed Rufo and Operation Eagle's Nest, Terry plans to
distribute 10,000 marriage books to soldiers and their spouses before the
upcoming deployment.

Two books, both written by Bob Moorehead, will be distributed: "The Husband
Handbook" and "Before You Throw in the Towel."

"I want their marriages to be stronger than when they left," Terry said.

"I want them to come back rejoicing in their marriage rather than seeking a
divorce."

Terry, who leads marriage seminars, came upon the "Husband Handbook" at a
bookstore several years ago and read it from cover to cover.

The author turned his copyrights to the books over to Terry, who had a
vision to sell one million copies. The money would've been used to build an
educational campus through the church.

That plan, though, did not come into fruition because of expensive printing
costs.

Terry said he received a call from God last week telling him to use the
books for their original intentions: to help salvage marriages.

Terry described the divorce rate among soldiers ‹ not just at Fort Campbell,
but everywhere ‹ as devastating and an epidemic.

"It may not go the way we want, but God always has a way of getting the job
done," Terry said. "This is it."

For photos: 
http://tinyurl.com/3xbkee

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- REPORT ON THE KANSAS MARRIAGE SUMMIT
Summit's goal is to promote healthy marriages
BY SUZANNE PEREZ TOBIAS
The Wichita Eagle
Sep. 22, 2007


Marriage takes work.

So does compiling marriage data, researching trends, referring couples to
marriage education programs, coordinating services and promoting the
importance of healthy marriages.

So the Kansas Healthy Marriage Institute, like a newlywed couple, has a lot
of work ahead of it.

"This is a rewarding but very challenging endeavor," Jennifer Baker told a
group of about 60 people who gathered Friday for the institute's annual
summit.

Baker, a marriage and family therapist, oversees several marriage-building
initiatives in Springfield, Mo. "I don't want to tell anybody that this is
easy," she said. "But it's incredibly important."

The Kansas Healthy Marriage Institute began about three years ago, inspired
by a Newman University study that showed marriage was the most significant
element in predicting family health. This year the group helped launch a
statewide Marriage for Keeps program, and members hope the group can become
a one-stop shop for marriage-related issues.

"What we're hoping for is an energy and enthusiasm for going that next step,
whatever that is," said Bill Cook, chairman of the institute's board of
directors.

Kendy Cox, an official with the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, shared
information about that state's efforts to reduce its divorce rate and
out-of-wedlock births. Among the strategies is a reduced marriage license
fee -- $5 instead of the normal $50 -- for couples who complete premarital
workshops.

Baker said she was inspired to start Ozarks Marriage Matters after "too many
tragic conversations" with clients in her mental health clinic in
Springfield.

"When we asked couples, 'Whose marriage or relationship do you want yours to
be like?' More often than not, they said, 'We don't know anybody.'

"They were like Hansel and Gretel trying to find their way through the
forest, but they don't even have bread crumbs."

Among the group's projects was a calendar titled "Loveseat: Love That Goes
the Distance," which featured artful photographs and stories of local
couples who overcame difficult circumstances.

During Friday's summit, participants suggested items the Kansas group should
focus on in coming months, including:

€ Identifying goals and a timeline for reaching them

€ Helping people see the value of marriage

€ Contacting lawmakers, media and others to spread the word about existing
programs

€ Creating a Web site or e-newsletter to highlight programs

€ Mobilizing schools, businesses, agencies, individuals and faith-based
groups to promote healthy marriage.

© 2007 Wichita Eagle and wire service sources

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