Replies | Blogging | Badgering - 9/21/07

[Smartmarriages]

- CYNDEE ODOM JOINS PAIRS STAFF
- REPLIES: GRRRR.....
- BLOGGING ON MARRIAGE EDUCATION EXPERIENCE
- HOW TO STOP BADGERING

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- CYNDEE ODOM JOINS PAIRS STAFF
WESTON, FL - September 17, 2007 - Cyndee Odom has joined the Weston-based
PAIRS Foundation as Director of Recruitment. Ms. Odom is the former Director
of the Florida Department of Children and Families' Strengthening Families
and Healthy Marriage Initiative. Her primary role at PAIRS will be to
recruit participants for the organization's federally funded project, "PAIRS
Relationship Skills for Strong South Florida Families." The five year
project offers a series of relationship skills building classes in South
Florida to high school students, premarital couples and individuals and
couples in all stages of relationship.  Classes are offered regularly at
area community centers, churches, synagogues, hospitals, and through partner
agencies.

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- REPLIES: GRRRR.....

> Dear Diane,  
> In the Census article, Higginbotham lists two possible reasons for his finding
> that "divorced men are more likely to remarry than divorced women:"
> --Men have the advantage of a wide pool of potential partners
> --Stereotype that men crave regular sex
> There's another possible explanation for the high rate of divorced men
> remarrying: the fact that many men miss having a "wife" to cook, clean, manage
> their social schedules (i.e. 'to take care of them').
> Peggy Vaughan
> http://www.dearpeggy.com/

>> - GERMAN POLITICIAN PROPOSES SEVEN-YEAR LIMIT ON MARRIAGE
> So, are couples who want seven-year limits willing
> to forgo having children?  Where are the children
> in this woman's thinking?!  Apparently their rights to have
> two parents who will at least commit to raising them
> aren't considered.
> Sorry for being cranky about this.
> Jana Staton

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- BLOGGING ON MARRIAGE EDUCATION EXPERIENCE

[I'm sharing this as one more example of how you might write in to various
Blogs - there are so many - and share marriage education experiences and
info. This one is good, though I take exception to her "clarification":
"Although these courses aren¹t for couples dealing with severe problems like
adultery, violence, gambling, or substance abuse, they do seem to make
basically sound unions better."  - diane ]

Be a Better Couple
BENISBLOG.COM
September 20, 2007 

There¹s a new approach to helping you get closer. We give it a try to see
how well it works.

By Dorothy Foltz-Gray
Just weeks ago, I considered marriage education a faintly embarrassing
process. Why on Earth, when my husband, Dan, and I were perfectly happy,
would we sign up for what would surely make us squirm? Yet here we are,
about to dive into the murky depths of our relationship in a take-home
marriage-education course.

Thirty-five years ago, therapists began admitting that marriage counseling
(which begins with the premise that something¹s amiss) wasn¹t very
successful. Back then, only 20 percent of counseled couples rated their
marriages happier 2 years after the process. That failure rate spurred a new
kind of intervention program: marriage education, where couples learn ways
to communicate and resolve differences before a meltdown occurs. Although
these courses aren¹t for couples dealing with severe problems like adultery,
violence, gambling, or substance abuse, they do seem to make basically sound
unions better. Howard Markman, PhD, and Scott Stanley, PhD, co-developers of
the Premarital Relationship Enhancement Program, found that their course
raises a couple¹s odds of staying together by 50 percent up to 5 years after
the classes, for example.

The reality, though, is that many couples don¹t consider marriage education
an option, says W. Kim Halford, PhD, director of the Psychological Health
Research Center at Griffith University in Brisbane, Australia. That¹s why he
and his colleagues came up with Couple CARE (Commitment And Relationship
Enhancement). It¹s a pioneering, do-it-at-home marital-ed course that uses
workbooks, DVDs, and weekly phone sessions with a licensed therapist to
guide couples through the process. The six-part series covers self-change,
communication, intimacy and caring, managing conflict, sexual intimacy, and
looking ahead.

What can you find out?
We¹re feeling a little skittish as we start watching the short DVD. What
dust would we kick up? Concerned, but not deterred, we scribble away in our
workbooks, prompted by questions about our families of origin, power and
control, gender roles, and conflict. Suddenly, I realize our marriage is
more crowded than I thought, my parents astride my shoulders, Dan¹s parents
on his. Danny talks about how critical his mother had been of his father,
and how easy it is to expect the same from me. I share my worries that
marriage will simply erase me as it had my mother. It¹s a relief to find
we¹re not ratting out each other, but our parents. Still, it feels both sad
and exciting that, despite many years of marriage, these revelations
surprise us.

Fresh honesty
After working through a few Couple CARE units, our responses are vastly
different. His honesty helps me be more open to his concerns. In fact, the
more he shares his feelings, the more relaxed I am about continuing the
conversation. Instead of sputtering objections, I find myself agreeing with
him. Indeed, these slight shifts in behavior are the pay dirt of the
program. You explore alone and together how your marriage works, then decide
what you want to change.

Scott Johnson, PhD, president-elect of the American Association for Marriage
and Family Therapy and program director for the Marriage and Family Therapy
Doctoral Program at Virginia Tech, thinks that learning how to amend your
behavior is the most powerful component of Couple CARE. ³The basic message
is that you can¹t change other people,² he explains.

Dan and I don¹t take each other for granted. But in a life with kids,
full-time jobs, and a house gathering dust balls, it¹s easy to adopt a kind
of shorthand. In the Couple CARE program, though, we found ourselves
talking, sometimes for hours, like two people falling in love.

http://www.benisblog.com/2007/09/20/be-a-better-couple/

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- HOW TO STOP BADGERING

Here's the latest Scott Haltzman article for Hitched.com
It's one you might want to hand out to couples.  Nice 8-point check list.

Scott, by the way, presented twice at the Denver Smart Marriages Conference
and both sessions got over-the-top ratings.  I listened to the recordings
and highly recommend them.  Order at 800-241-7785 or at
http://www.playbacksmartmarriages.com

> #757-803
> Win Your Wife¹s Heart Forever
> Scott Haltzman, MD
> If we can build skyscrapers and land on Mars, we can also figure out how to
> succeed at marriage. Eight Secrets From Happily Married Men on how to win ­
> and keep ­ the prize. For men only.

> #757-203
> Secrets of Happily Married Women
> Scott Haltzman, MD
> Help wives become energized and find contentment in the face of the challenges
> of balancing feminist ideals, traditional roles, work, self, kids, and
> well-intentioned advice about having it all.

How to Stop the Badgering
Is badgering a sign of love? Find out where the badgering is coming from and
here's how to stop it.
DR. SCOTTT HALTZMAN
http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=346

Why do I always badger my spouse over the smallest things? I truly feel deep
love, but I always get so upset over nothing. Is it because the love is so
strong that I'm looking for perfection?

Badgering is a way to call attention to something you don¹t like in someone
you do like. It would be a wonderful character trait‹and it¹s very romantic
of you to think so‹ if finding fault were simply a sign of love. But
actually, it¹s merely a sign of being alive.

All animals are pre-programmed to look for incongruities between our
expectations and reality. When experimental monkeys are marked with paint,
they are shunned by other monkeys; when birds in research centers get their
wings cut, they are not chosen by other birds for mating. People, likewise
are very attentive to incongruities in other people, and are likely to be
upset by them.

So, while finding fault is a characteristic of all animals, and not a sign
of love, badgering is, as far as I can tell, a distinct human trait.
Badgering links the observation of a fault with the insistence on the part
of the individual who found fault that the other correct him or herself.
Whew, that's a mouthful. Ironically, we don¹t usually badger unfamiliar or
unloved people‹we save this feedback for the poor souls whom we are closest
to.

Think about it; if the cashier at the supermarket looks like he hasn¹t
combed his hair in weeks, you don¹t tell him to clean up his act. But if
your husband hasn¹t picked up his socks from the floor you¹re right on it,
reminding him of his mess! The cost of having a close relationship‹or a
marriage‹is that each of you wants the other to meet certain standards.

Why We Badger
We badger because we think it is an effective way of fixing faults in
others. It doesn¹t work. I¹ve met with many individuals that say, "If he (or
she) just stopped badgering me, I would do it!" Frankly, that doesn¹t work
either.

It¹s not possible to get someone to change unless you let him or her know
that something is out of place for you. So not saying anything is unlikely
to get you what you want, yet unless you ask for what you want in the right
way, you may also come out empty handed.

But before you try to change your partner, the first question you need to
ask is: "Is this so important?" There are a number of litmus tests that will
help you decide whether it¹s worth going down the "I love you exactly the
way you are‹now change" road.

Ask yourself:

1. On a scale of 1-10, how would I rank this issue? [If it¹s not a 7-10,
consider letting it go.]

2. Twenty minutes from now (or 20 days, or 20 years) will this issue really
have made that much of a difference? [If not, consider taking a step back.]

3. How much of a burden would it place on my partner to change this, versus
how much do I gain from it.

4. Am I asking him or her to do something that just isn¹t part of their
nature, and comes out of my own insecurities?

If you do feel compelled to seek some change in your mate, it¹s better to
work for common happiness rather than insist on change because you alone
want it. Instead of complaining about what he or she is doing wrong, try
some of these strategies:

1. Don¹t¹ finger point ("you¹re inconsiderate!"), that just prompts
defensiveness. Instead, describe how the issue and your mates actions affect
you ("I feel frustrated when I have to always pick up the socks you leave
around").

2. We are drawn to faults, yes, but your spouse still has many positive
traits. Make sure to take the time to point out the things about your mate
that you value.

3. Avoid getting defensive, yourself, if your partner resists changing at
first. Change takes time, and your mate needs your understanding.

4. Respect your partner. Your mate has an opportunity to be a source of
inspiration and information to you, if you show you are open to it. Feeling
respected is critical in relationships; give your spouse the respect you
would want for yourself.

Remember that the phrase "Growing old together" includes the word
"growing"‹this means that each of you will move in different directions as
you spend your lives together in ways that you adore and ways that drive you
nuts. Finding the way to accept some of these changes, and discovering ways
to change your spouse¹s behavior without being critical, is part of that
growth.

Dr. Haltzman is a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown
University. He is also the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men:
Eight Ways to Win Your Wife¹s Heart Forever." You can find Dr. Haltzman at
www.DrScott.com

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