Marriage Delays \ Wisconsin Coverage \ What? - 9/12/07

[Smartmarriages]

- YOUNG ADULTS DELAYING MARRIAGE
- THINKMARRIAGE COVERAGE IN WISCONSIN
- GROHL'S DEAFNESS CAUSES MARRIAGE PROBLEMS

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- YOUNG ADULTS DELAYING MARRIAGE

Young adults delaying marriage
USA Today
Sept 12, 2007 
By Sharon Jayson and Anthony DeBarros

[Before you read this and get discouraged by the experts' predictions that
they don't expect these trends to reverse, remember that one of the major
reasons people delay marriage and cohabit is because they want to avoid
divorce AND they are misinformed about HOW to best do that.  They lack
information about other more effective ways to avoid divorce like becoming
educated about marriage and becoming 'masters of marriage'.  It's easy to
understand why twenty-somethings assume that cohabiting will improve their
odds (makes sense to them to test drive the partnership before committing)
but they lack the stats and don't realize that cohabiting does not improve
their odds - living together is not the same as learning together.  It's
also easy to understand that they assume waiting is good - they lack the
information that after their early-twenties it doesn't improve their odds to
wait - getting an education and getting equipped to master marriage improves
their odds. They almost completely lack information that there are very
proactive, effective things they can do to master marriage and improve their
odds.  We need to redouble our efforts and get the information to these kids
about: 1) the benefits of marriage and of logic of hanging in through the
rough patches; 2) what to expect in marriage - when to expect rough patches;
and 3) the behaviors that will help assure their marital success and which
behaviors predict failure. We must help them build competency and
confidence.   - diane ]

Almost three-quarters of men and almost two-thirds of women in their 20s in
2006 said they had never been married, according to Census data released
today that shows a sharp increase in never-married twentysomethings in just
six years.

Among men ages 20-29, 73% said they had never been married in 2006, compared
with 64% in 2000. For women, 62.2% had never married in 2006, compared with
53.4% six years earlier.

The data also show the percentage of those marrying in their 20s continues
to decline. A USA TODAY analysis of the new Census figures shows that just
23.5% of men and 31.5% of women ages 20-29 were married in 2006. (The
analysis excludes those who are married but separated.) Both the number and
percentage of those in their 20s fell from 2000, when 31.5% of men and 39.5%
of women were married.

"These clearly are quite dramatic changes by demographic standards," says
demographer Peter Morrison of the non-profit RAND Corp., which studies
public policy issues. "The amount of change in six years is quite
substantial. It's impressive in terms of the degree to which the institution
of marriage is evolving. There clearly is a process of social evolution
occurring here, and one can speculate about where it will end."

The trend toward delaying marriage has emerged over several decades as
economic and social forces have made it more difficult for those in their
20s to reach independence. Sociologists and demographers say other factors
are also at work, including increasing numbers of cohabiting couples, more
highly educated women who have fewer highly educated men of comparable age
to partner with, and more choices open to women than in decades past.

For those reasons and others, experts say they don't expect this upward
trend in the ages for marriage to reverse.

"The numbers suggest we haven't seen a slowdown on this postponement of
marriage," says Suzanne Bianchi, a sociologist at the University of Maryland
in College Park.

A closer analysis of the data on ages 20-24 and 25-29 shows that among men
and women in both groups, the percentage change between the never-marrieds
and the now-marrieds was relatively consistent.

"This suggests it's not just the phenomenon of the college-educated who tend
to marry later or the high school-educated who tend to marry earlier," says
Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University. "It's an
across-the-board shift."

Bianchi questions the amount of change in such a short period of time
because the Census' Current Population Survey reflects a smaller change in
the same time period. Cherlin, however, says the large change is "not
unbelievable, especially if living-together relationships are compensating
for some of the postponement of marriage."

The number of unmarried partner households reported by the Census Bureau
rose from 5 million to 6 million between 2000 and 2006.

Pamela Smock, a family demographer at the University of Michigan, says about
70% of those who get married lived together first.

"Cohabitation is continuing to grow, and it's become the modal way of life,"
she says.

The Census data also reflect continued decline in the percentage of
married-couple households, dropping from 52.5% of households in 2000 to
49.7% of households in 2006. Census survey estimates released last year
showed that unmarried adults for the first time represented more than half
of American households.

Cherlin says the new data about those in their 20s suggests a clear
postponement of marriage, but not necessarily a delay in partnering.

"We can't tell whether this means there's a longer period of singlehood or
just more living together before marriage. It's probably some of both," he
says.

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- THINKMARRIAGE COVERAGE IN WISCONSIN

[Sharing this to show the kind of coverage you can aim for in your local
newspapers - the kind that will help educate your community about courses
that can build marriage competency.  This article is a bit strange in that
the headline is about the *How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk* program and then
doesn't even mention the program in the article.  Not that it matters - the
article addresses several marital myths, explain the grass-roots community
approach, and offers hope - and, I'm sure the headline must come from the
fact that Jerk is one of the programs they're using. Which caught my eye
because I just received the rankings report on the Denver conference and the
How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk workshop led the pack (top workshop of all the
marriage ed programs presented).  Take a bow, John Van Epp!  - diane]


'How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette)' tackles common marriage mistakes
By Heather Stanek
The Reporter (Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin)
September 12, 2007

Anne Brunette understands that sometimes marriage feels more like a ball and
chain than a band of gold.

That's why she helped found Great Marriages of Fond du Lac, an organization
that promotes healthy marriages throughout the county.

The group is the local version of thinkmarriage, an initiative by the
Foundation for a Great Marriage, which has its headquarters in Green Bay.

Brunette said she had good reason to support the group. As a psychotherapist
who counsels married people, she has seen the types of problems that couples
have endured. Through Great Marriages, people can learn how to pinpoint
problems, communicate with their spouses and learn about marriage myths.

"We have a passion for helping couples avoid some of the pain and
difficulty," she said. "I have seen so many couples struggle when they don't
have to."

Even though the group sponsors numerous programs, Great Marriages does not
consider itself a counseling organization or a religious group, said
co-founder and psychologist Beth Rogers-Doll.

Rather than using counseling sessions, group members employ workshops and
fun activities to teach people about matrimony.

"I love to do marital therapy, and I'm crushed when clients' marriages
fail," she said. "I've seen a lot of relationships succeed, and I've seen a
lot of relationships fail."

Susan Dutton-Freund, executive director of thinkmarriage, said the statewide
effort uses the same strategy. Thinkmarriage works with local groups to
provide classes and resources for singles and couples.

"One of the biggest misnomers is that it's counseling," she said. "It's not
counseling."

Troubled times

Dutton-Freund said the groups began planning its work about four years ago,
when marriage statistics started slumping. More people are choosing divorce,
and more children are being raised in single-parent homes, she said.

Dutton-Freund cited research showing that 33 percent of births in Wisconsin
were outside of marriage last year.

"We're taking the initiative to turn that around," she said.

Dutton-Freund added that the organization does not shun divorcees or single
parents. Members understand that it's sometimes better to leave a marriage,
especially if it involves abuse.

However, miscommunication is usually the problem, said Michele Olson,
thinkmarriage's communications director. Research shows that 30 percent of
divorces nationwide involved abuse, but the other 70 percent had minimal
conflict. Some of those marriages may have survived if people sought
resources to resolve problems.

"Wisconsin looks very much like the nation," she said.

Culture has made marriage more difficult to preserve, she said. Thanks to
no-fault divorces, people can divorce for just about any reason, she said.
People were once required to prove that their spouse was at fault for the
marriage falling apart.

"Remember in the old movies when they said, 'I'll never give you a
divorce!'" she said. "You never see that in the movies today."

Today's world also endorses constant satisfaction, she said. If a person
isn't happy for any reason, he or she is encouraged to seek change rather
than trying to solve the problem.

"They think the grass is greener somewhere else, so they go looking," she
said.

For problems like this, talking with spouses can help, Brunette said.

"They think, 'If I'm not happy, I can just leave my marriage,'" she said.
"It's a lack of knowledge."

If couples experience problems, they could try identifying destructive
behaviors. She said every couple has its arguments, but everyday squabbles
or constant criticism can push people apart.

Avoiding problems can be just as damaging, she said.

"It's that pattern of negative interactions that gets couples into trouble,"
she said. "Couples need five positive interactions for every one negative."

Saving marriages

Dutton-Freund said thinkmarriage wants to encourage people to stay together,
as long as their marriages don't include abuse. She said healthy marriages
benefit everyone from children to adults.

Young people, for example, are less likely to live in poverty in two-parent
homes, she said. Since marriage builds assets and provides additional
income, parents have more finances to care for their children. On the other
hand, data shows that single-parent families tend to have lower incomes, she
said.

However, thinkmarriage recognizes that divorces or single births do occur,
so everyone is welcome to seek the organization's help, she said.

"We're not involved in the political situations that are pointed at making
people feel bad," she said. "We are not against divorced or single parents."

Rather than pointing fingers or taking political or religious sides,
thinkmarriage promotes healthy marriage by busting myths, said Olson.
Misconception can affect what people expect from marriage, or it may deter
them from marrying, she said.

One myth is that married people aren't as healthy as singles, she said. In
fact, married people tend to have better health and live longer, she said.

People also often think that single people lead happy, carefree lives, while
married people feel tired and busy. On the contrary, couples often enjoy
emotional benefits that only come through marriage, she said.

Rogers-Doll said she hopes that, with the thinkmarriage's help, couples and
communities can learn the joys of marriage.

"We all want to work for peace in the world," she said. "Well, peace can
work at home."

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GROHL'S DEAFNESS CAUSES MARRIAGE PROBLEMS
11/09/2007

FOO FIGHTERS star DAVE GROHL's deafness is causing problems in his marriage
because his wife has to repeat herself all the time. The former Nirvana
drummer admits all rock star marriages have the same issue - because loud
music kills normal conversation. Grohl tells women's magazine Elle, "Any
woman who's going to date a rock musician has to be prepared to repeat
herself every 10 seconds. "I'm virtually deaf... My wife asks me where we
should go for dinner and it sounds like the schoolteacher from (TV show)
Charlie Brown."  http://tinyurl.com/32g6s7

(At least he has an excuse.....

> A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
> 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

>    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
>repeat everything to men...

>    The husband turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 - diane 

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