CMPs on ABC | On-Line ordinations not holding up | Marriage Boot Camp on the Learning Channel - 10/9/07

[Smartmarriages]

- TOP RECORDINGS? 
- SET YOUR TIVO: COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICIES ON ABC WORLD NEWS
- ON-LINE 'MARRIAGE MINISTER' ORDINATIONS NOT HOLDING UP
- MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP DEBUTS ON THE LEARNING CHANNEL OCT 24

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- TOP RECORDINGS? 

> Diane, 
> By now you usually announce the special discount top ten recording packages.
> Are you going to skip that this year?  Also, I submitted two workshop
> proposals. You say on the application that presenters will be notified by Feb
> 30, 2008.  Is there any chance that you could let me know one way or another
> before the end of the year, by about Dec 14?  That would make it much easier
> to plan leave time at my office.
> Thomas W

First, yes, I may be able to let you know whether or not you're accepted by
Dec 14.  There are always about 30 workshops that are in the "see if we have
space file"....and we sometimes can't make the absolute final decisions
until the last minute, depends on what we can combine into panels, etc.  But
most are slotted by the end of Dec or by mid Jan.  So, email to ask in mid
Dec and I'll see what I can do.

Second, we are working on a top ten discount package of Denver conference
recordings.  The top ten is a combo of both the "best sellers" and also
"highest rated".  Plus this year I've convinced Playback to try something
new. So, in addition to a top ten "marriage stuff" (that's our working
title) package we'll also offer a separate 'dream dozen' for Community
Marriage Organizers - the cream-of-the-crop tips from successful Community
Marriage Initiatives.  Plus there's will be a top 5 keynote DVD package.
Should be ready sometime next week. I'll announce it on the list as soon as
it's set to go. - diane

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- SET YOUR TIVO: COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICIES ON ABC WORLD NEWS

Dear Diane,
ABC World News with Charlie Gibson will do a segment October 22 on the
Community Marriage Policy we helped establish in Clackamas County, a suburb
of Portland, OR. ABC interviewed several of the 170 pastors and priests who
signed the CMP and taped Tom Dressel, a retired businessman, and his wife
who organized the CMP, as they mentored a premarital couple.  ABC also shot
a couple attending a 10 Great Dates presentation at Tom's church, and the
date itself.   
Michael McManus
www.marriagesavers.org

This is great- hooray for Oregon!!  Mike and Harriet McManus will again
present their 2-day pre-conference Community Marriage Policy Training
Institute in San Francisco.  Maybe they'll have some exciting footage to
show courtesy of ABC.  Of course with world news being what it is, this
could get bumped three or four times.  I'll remind the list again if Mike
hears when it will actually air.  Or, do what I do and just Tivo ABC News
for that week.  - diane

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- ON-LINE 'MARRIAGE MINISTER' ORDINATIONS NOT HOLDING UP

[This one is interesting for so many reasons.  First upset is, once again,
reading that "after less than a year of marriage' the bride wanted out.
Second, although this judges decision only affects one county in
Pennsylvania, "on-line" ordinations of the wedding officiant are a growing
trend. Talk about "no fault" divorce.   - diane ]

Marriages by ministers ordained online in question
Philadelphia Inquirer
By Dianna Marder
Oct 8, 2007 

After less than a year of marriage, 21-year-old Dorie Heyer of York County,
Pa., wanted out.

But Heyer¹s lawyer did not file for divorce.

Instead, she asked the court to invalidate Heyer¹s marriage on grounds that
the person who officiated ‹ Adam Johnston, a friend of the couple¹s who had
been ordained online just so he could perform the Aug. 24, 2006, ceremony ‹
was unqualified.

The judge agreed that Johnston did not have ³a regularly established church
or congregation,² as the law requires. Therefore, he was unauthorized and
the marriage invalid.

It was the first time that legal argument had been made in Pennsylvania.

And although the judge¹s Sept. 7 ruling isn¹t binding for other counties, it
does have serious implications for thousands in Pennsylvania.

Anyone married since 2005 (when the state stopped recognizing common-law
marriage) by someone who might not have a ³regularly established church or
congregation² should seek counsel, recommends David Cleaver, solicitor for
the statewide Association of Registers of Wills and Clerks of Orphans Court
‹ the people who issue marriage licenses.

Couples could find their marriages invalidated and their children
bastardized. Government benefits such as Social Security and disability
payments could be challenged. Insurance companies could demand repayment of
benefits paid for the hospitalization of the insured¹s spouse. Heirs could
find themselves with no legal standing in probate court.

And, Cleaver said, the clerks in Pennsylvania¹s 67 counties should no longer
accept any marriage certificate signed by an officiant with potentially
questionable qualifications.

The Sept. 7 ruling by York County Court Judge Maria Musti Cook falls at the
intersection of two trends.

First, more couples than ever want friends or family members to officiate at
their weddings, said Millie Martini Bratton, editor-in-chief of Bride¹s
magazine. They may be an older couple, or one marrying for a second time.
Some are interfaith couples, and others plan destination weddings with
ceremonies in exotic resorts.

And at the same time, there is growing discontent among those who think that
online ordinations make a mockery of marriage.

³The problem with Internet ordinations,² Cleaver says, ³is that you don¹t
know who you are ordaining. You open the door for convicted pedophiles,
rapists, even your garbage collector, to officiate at weddings.²

Cleaver called the York County ruling ³appeal-proof,² and without waiting to
see whether the case would be overturned or affirmed on appeal, he issued an
alarm.

The sound reverberated in Bucks County, where Register of Wills Barbara G.
Reilly held a news conference, urging couples who might be affected to
remarry as soon as possible.

The result? At least 45 couples applied for new marriage licenses. Among
them were three pregnant women.

One of the women was scheduled to undergo induced labor for the birth of her
first child. She was in a panic, Reilly said.

³So we brought it to a judge who agreed to waive the required three-day
waiting period and conduct a new wedding ceremony himself that day ‹ on the
spot,² said Reilly.

Among the others who sought to remarry were Frederick Merk and Vickie Yuksel
of Levittown, who returned from their Florida honeymoon just in time for
Reilly¹s news conference.

Merk, 49, and Yuksel, 51, had been married July 29 in a ceremony near his
sister¹s backyard pool. The theme was Hawaiian. Guests wore flowered shirts
and flip flops. And the officiant was Merk¹s stepfather, Carroll Robertson,
who got ordained online for the occasion.

³He raised me from the time I was 8 years old and treated me like his own
child,² Merk said.

On Reilly¹s advice, the couple immediately applied for a new license, and
within four working days they were married again ‹ this time by a judge.

³It was kind of funny to me,² Merk said. ³Kind of a joke. Why does somebody
care who married me?²

Reilly said she knew the day was coming. She put a disclaimer on her office
Web site several years ago, warning couples that online ordinations could be
questioned by the court.

Now Reilly has taken the ruling one step further. She is asking clergy
members who are not priests or rabbis to sign an affidavit attesting that
they are qualified to solemnize Pennsylvania wedding ceremonies.

Marguerite Sexton, who lives in Montgomery County and founded the
nondenominational Journeys of the Heart in 1996, is among those asked to
sign.

Journeys, which has about a half-dozen officiants who conduct hundreds of
ceremonies a year, is a ministry in every sense of the word, Sexton says, a
spiritual home for people who may not feel welcome elsewhere. It is legally
incorporated as a religious organization, trains its officiants, and does
not offer online ordination.

But last week, Sexton says, a bride who was eight days from her wedding day
went into Reilly¹s office for a license ³and she said they grilled her.²

³We want to comply with Bucks County,² Sexton said. ³But I wonder why the
state is in the business of defining what makes a congregation?²

Edie Moser also agreed to sign an affidavit.

A master¹s level social worker, Moser studied at a New York seminary ‹
taking classes in person ‹ and was ordained in 1999.

Her organization, By Devine Design, is legally incorporated as a
not-for-profit and she has officiated at numerous weddings, baby blessings
and memorial services.

But now, she says, she¹s getting calls from concerned couples. ³I tell them
the truth: that I am legally permitted to marry people,² said Moser.

Whether they use the title chaplain or pastor or no title at all, Moser
said, there are many people who minister to the needs of others in hospices
or prisons, for example, but do not have traditional congregations.

Meanwhile, Evan Goldman, a Philadelphia University professor whose June 10,
2000, wedding ceremony in Delaware County was also conducted by a friend
ordained online for the occasion, is not worried about the legal status of
his marriage.

He¹s worried about the state¹s intervention.

³Why should the state give credence to one minister over another just
because he has a Œregularly established church?¹ Jim Jones had a Œregularly
established church¹ and he fed his congregants a poison cocktail. And what
about people who minister to the homeless?²

Goldman and his wife, Amoi Dort, have a son, Weaver, who is 26 months old.

³Will the state seek to label him illegitimate?² Goldman asked.

The York County case and Cook¹s subsequent ruling were not unanticipated.

Questions about the legality of online ordinations, Cleaver says, ³have been
festering for some time.²

And while Cook¹s ruling appears to violate the First Amendment by putting
the state in the position of determining what is a church and a
congregation, Cleaver says Cook¹s reasoning is squarely within the Tenth
Amendment, addressing states¹ right.

Marriage laws vary in each state. Some even allow notary publics to
officiate at weddings, while others have tried to outlaw online ministers.

Should the Cook decision not stand, State Representative Stan Saylor
(R.,York) has a bill that would bar anyone ordained online or through the
mail from officiating at weddings - even if they have established
congregations.

Saylor¹s objective, says legislative aide Mark Zerbe, is to ³protect the
sanctity of marriage.²

But a religious ceremony is not the only option for Pennsylvania couples.

Judges, district justices, U.S. District Court judges and magistrates,
federal appeals court judges, and mayors may sign marriage certificates.

In addition, couples may have ³self-uniting² ceremonies at which two
witnesses take the place of a clergy member.

But some interpret the ³self-uniting² provision narrowly, saying it was
established for faiths that do not use ministers, such as Quakers, Baha¹i,
and the Amish, so at least one member of the couple must belong to one of
those faiths.

So in Bucks County, an individual who asks for a self-uniting license is
asked about his or her religion. And that, says Witold Walczak, legal
director of the ACLU in Pennsylvania, is a violation of the U.S.
Constitution.

In fact, the ACLU recently intervened in the case of a Pittsburgh couple
refused a self-uniting license in Allegheny County - and won.

Reilly said she is aware of the federal ruling but will continue to put
limits on who can get a self-uniting licenses because she suspects that it
will be overturned.

³Besides,² she said, ³My office received complaints from the Quaker
membership who felt that people were getting married claiming to be Quakers
when in fact they were not,² she said.

Finally, in Philadelphia, where Ronald R. Donatucci is the register of
wills, nothing is changing as a result of Cook¹s ruling.

³We believe that it is questionable as to whether or not that ruling
establishes a precedent for the entire state,² said Caren Martin,
Donatucci¹s deputy for litigation.

And in Philadelphia, Martin says, self-uniting licenses are issued to those
who seek them.

³We don¹t ask them their religion,² she said.

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- MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP DEBUTS ON THE LEARNING CHANNEL OCT 24

[We shall see.....]

Marriage Boot Camp is All About Love
Dallas Morning News
Oct 9, 2007 
Jake Batsell 

Marriage Boot Camp has drawn thousands to area seminars, and it is about to
be on TV

PLANO ­ Five couples amble into a meeting room, take their seats and
anxiously eye one another as Joe Cocker's scratchy voice belts out an urgent
plea:

Love lift us up where we belong.

Over the next four days, these couples will try everything from blindfolded
dodge ball to group revelations in hopes of improving their marriages. An
army of facilitators in dark suits ­ both men and women ­ will lead a
regimen of intense, sometimes confrontational drills that diverge sharply
from traditional marriage therapy.

"They're going to stay in your face," camp director David Bishop says.
"We're going to be targeting hot spots in your marriage."

Mr. Bishop and the camp's founder, Jim Carroll of Richardson, don't claim to
be licensed therapists ­ Mr. Bishop is a retired Dallas firefighter; Mr.
Carroll, a security company executive.

But the duo's program of tough-love drills, competitions, games and
interventions has drawn nearly 3,000 people to seminars in Plano and
Richardson since 2002.

Later this month, their methods will gain even more exposure when the
reality TV show Marriage Camp debuts on the Learning Channel.

There's the Parachute, an exercise in which spouses on a doomed plane must
decide which one will live. Or the drill where spouses swing giant foam
noodles to "beat" undesirable qualities out of one another.

Other exercises put campers on the spot in front of the group, including
forgiveness drills that force spouses to confront painful moments.

In advance footage of the television show provided by the network, Mr.
Carroll and Mr. Bishop single out a couple grappling with infidelity.

"Is it OK what you did?" Mr. Carroll asks the woman as dozens of others look
on.

"No, it's not OK," she replies, grasping her husband's hands. "But I didn't
do it to hurt you. I did it because I was hurting. I'm truly sorry I hurt
you. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat."
It's rough

Organizers say such emotionally intense drills distinguish the boot camp
from a crowded field of marriage seminars and retreats. They say they give
couples fair warning that the boot camp won't be gentle.

"You tell them ahead of time, 'Hey, we're going to be rough and tough.
You're probably going to hate us,' " Mr. Carroll said. "If they know to
expect that, then they roll with the punches."

But organizers say the success of their blunt approach is evident in a
constant stream of referrals by program graduates. And while the boot camp
stopped keeping follow-up statistics last year, Mr. Bishop said 16 of the 18
couples filmed for the show last fall are still together.

"We don't counsel," Mr. Bishop added. "We don't give advice. They find their
own answers as they're going through these games and drills."

Both directors say the boot camp is shaped in part by their own divorces and
their experience with Christian ministry groups. But the seminar is
nondenominational, and its alumni include atheists, Muslims and same-sex
couples.

Mr. Carroll, who once trained under celebrity psychologist Phil McGraw,
began developing the program five years ago during his honeymoon with his
current wife.

He held the first boot camp in Plano in September 2002. Ever since, people
have been flying in to attend the seminars from as far away as Africa, often
sponsored by previous attendees.
'Exposed'

Angie and Jared Zuniga had separated several times before they volunteered
to be filmed for the show.

When the Zunigas drove up to Richardson last year from Leander, an Austin
suburb, both expected that they would end up divorcing after the seminar.

"This was the very last thing on the list that we hadn't tried yet," Ms.
Zuniga said.

Mr. Zuniga said the boot camp helped him resolve personal issues that other
forms of therapy couldn't fix. Camp leaders constantly turned the tables by
forcing him to account for his own behavior rather than blaming his wife.

"It just exposed who I am, 100 percent," he said. "I would not be married
today if it wasn't for that."

Keith Hammond, a retired Marine master sergeant who lives in Allen, said the
boot camp's four-day progression of drills allows attendees to delve deeply
into personal pain that may be hurting their marriages.

"The problem with typical counseling is, you just don't get enough time to
get into the meat of what you need to resolve before the time is up," said
Mr. Hammond, a boot camp graduate who now works as a facilitator. "You don't
have the kind of intensity over a period of time, like the boot camp
affords."
Not therapy, therapeutic

Leon Ashley Peek, a Denton psychologist who works with divorcing couples,
said boot-camp-style seminars can be helpful if they spur couples to
communicate better with each other.

But if a spouse is suffering from depression or another serious mental
illness, Dr. Peek said, it's best to seek out a trained mental health
professional rather than a seminar led by lay counselors.

"This stuff isn't therapy," he said.

Prospective participants should be aware that all-consuming programs like
the boot camp can trigger deep-seated emotions, said James Campbell Quick, a
University of Texas at Arlington professor who specializes in stress
management.

"You can have problems break out or surprise you," Dr. Quick said.

Mr. Carroll acknowledges that the boot camp is not therapy and that its
leaders "have no titles, no paperwork, nothing behind our names." But he
said the seminar's intensive format leads to breakthroughs that couples
can't achieve in traditional therapy.

"We think counseling's good, but if you go to counseling, it's almost like
you have to start over every session," he said. "And then the counselor
really can't get into people's faces, because they won't go back to the
counselor anymore."

Maryanne Watson, a Plano psychologist who refers clients to the boot camp,
said the seminar is "not therapy, but it's therapeutic."

"There's so much feeling and intensity, they really rebond," Dr. Watson
said. "They also get rid of a lot of anger."

Follow-through

The success of any marriage seminar depends on how well couples follow
through once they get home, Dr. Peek said.

"It's easy to get together and get all gung-ho about being a good
communicator and telling your partner what you feel," Dr. Peek said. "But to
get that to transfer so you do it at home is much more valuable."

The Zunigas said they've been able to maintain the momentum since turning
the corner during last year's filming.

"It's more like two best friends who love each other and know they're going
to be together forever," Mr. Zuniga said. "Those little problems that come
up, they're just kind of trivial."

ABOUT THE SEMINAR
The Marriage Boot Camp, held monthly at Plano Centre, costs $600 a person
for a four-day workshop and $400 a person for an evening-only workshop. For
more information, visit www.marriagebootcamp.com.

ABOUT THE TV SHOW
Marriage Camp debuts on the Learning Channel (TLC) at 6 p.m. Oct. 24.

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