Gender, Health and Marriage: Marital Spats Taken to Heart - 10/2/07

[Smartmarriages]

- MARRIAGE AND YOUR HEALTH

This one is such a keeper - one you can all use in your offices or CHMIs,
that I'll send it by itself even though today's New York Times Science
Section has several articles that are list-worthy. This is all so right up
our alley and so confirming of everything we do to help couples understand
how to manage conflict in a 'healthy marriage' way. Also appreciate that
they give examples - very helpful to the public to show what's meant by warm
or supporting or hostile comments.  Amazing what they were able to fit into
this short piece.  Definitely one to share.

It's also almost amusing how there is ever more research piling up about the
differences between Mars and Venus.   - diane

> Recent studies show that how often couples fight or what they fight about
> usually doesn¹t matter. Instead, it¹s the nuanced interactions between men and
> women, and how they react to and resolve conflict, that appear to make a
> meaningful difference in the health of the marriage and the health of the
> couple. . . . 

> Whether the woman reported being in a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage
> didn¹t change her risk.
> 
> The tendency to bottle up feelings during a fight is known as self-silencing.
> For men, it may simply be a calculated but HARMLESS decision to keep the
> peace. But when women stay quiet, it takes a surprising physical toll.
> 
> ³When you¹re suppressing communication and feelings during conflict with your
> husband, it¹s doing something very negative to your physiology, and in the
> long term it will affect your health,²
. . . 
> The researchers found that the style of argument detected in the video
> sessions was a powerful predictor for a man or woman¹s risk for underlying
> heart disease. In fact, the way the couple interacted was as important a heart
> risk factor as whether they smoked or had high cholesterol

> . . . But arguing style affected men and women differently. The level of
> warmth or hostility had no effect on a man¹s heart health. For a man, heart
> risk increased if disagreements with his wife involved a battle for control.
> And it didn¹t matter whether he or his wife was the one making the controlling
> comments.


Marital Spats, Taken to Heart
The New York Times
October 2, 2007
By TARA PARKER-POPE

Arguing is an inevitable part of married life. But now researchers are
putting the marital spat under the microscope to see if the way you fight
with your spouse can affect your health.

Recent studies show that how often couples fight or what they fight about
usually doesn¹t matter. Instead, it¹s the nuanced interactions between men
and women, and how they react to and resolve conflict, that appear to make a
meaningful difference in the health of the marriage and the health of the
couple.

A study of nearly 4,000 men and women from Framingham, Mass., asked whether
they typically vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their
spouse. Notably, 32 percent of the men and 23 percent of the women said they
typically bottled up their feelings during a marital spat.

In men, keeping quiet during a fight didn¹t have any measurable effect on
health. But women who didn¹t speak their minds in those fights were four
times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always
told their husbands how they felt, according to the July report in
Psychosomatic Medicine. Whether the woman reported being in a happy marriage
or an unhappy marriage didn¹t change her risk.

The tendency to bottle up feelings during a fight is known as
self-silencing. For men, it may simply be a calculated but harmless decision
to keep the peace. But when women stay quiet, it takes a surprising physical
toll.

³When you¹re suppressing communication and feelings during conflict with
your husband, it¹s doing something very negative to your physiology, and in
the long term it will affect your health,² said Elaine Eaker, an
epidemiologist in Gaithersburg, Md., who was the study¹s lead author. ³This
doesn¹t mean women should start throwing plates at their husbands, but there
needs to be a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate.²

Other studies led by Dana Crowley Jack, a professor of interdisciplinary
studies at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Wash., have linked
the self-silencing trait to numerous psychological and physical health
risks, including depression, eating disorders and heart disease.

Keeping quiet during a fight with a spouse is something ³we all have to do
sometimes,² Dr. Jack said. ³But we worry about the people who do it in a
more extreme fashion.²

The emotional tone that men and women take during arguments with a spouse
can also take a toll on their health. Utah researchers have videotaped 150
couples to measure the effect that marital arguing style has on heart risk.
The men and women were mostly in their 60s, had been married on average for
more than 30 years and had no signs of heart disease. The couples were given
stressful topics to discuss, like money or household chores, and the
comments made during the ensuing arguments were categorized as warm,
hostile, controlling or submissive. The men and women also underwent heart
scans to measure coronary artery calcium, an indicator of heart disease
risk.

The researchers found that the style of argument detected in the video
sessions was a powerful predictor for a man or woman¹s risk for underlying
heart disease. In fact, the way the couple interacted was as important a
heart risk factor as whether they smoked or had high cholesterol, says
Timothy W. Smith, a psychology professor at the University of Utah, who
presented the study last year to the American Psychosomatic Society.

For women, whether a husband¹s arguing style was warm or hostile had the
biggest effect on her heart health. Dr. Smith notes that in a fight about
money, for instance, one man said, ³Did you pass elementary school math?²
But another said, ³Bless you, you are not so good with the checkbook, but
you¹re good at other things.² In both exchanges, the husband was criticizing
his wife¹s money management skills, but the second comment was infused with
a level of warmth. In the study, a warm style of arguing by either spouse
lowered the wife¹s risk of heart disease.

But arguing style affected men and women differently. The level of warmth or
hostility had no effect on a man¹s heart health. For a man, heart risk
increased if disagreements with his wife involved a battle for control. And
it didn¹t matter whether he or his wife was the one making the controlling
comments. An example of a controlling argument style showed up in one video
of a man arguing with his wife about money. ³You really should just listen
to me on this,² he told her.

What¹s particularly notable about the study is that the men and women filled
out standard questionnaires about the quality of their relationships, but
those answers were not a good predictor of cardiovascular risk. The
difference in risk showed up only when the quality of the couple¹s bickering
style was assessed.

³Disagreements in a marriage are inevitable, but it¹s how you conduct
yourself,² Dr. Smith said. ³Can you do it in a way that gets your concerns
addressed, but without doing damage at the same time? That¹s not an easy
mark to hit for some couples.²


Copyright 2007 The New York Times Company


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