Stable Marriages and Happy Kids | Hispanic Out-of-Wedlock | Japan: Marriage Triage - 11/27/07

[Smartmarriages]

- STABLE MARRIAGE AND HAPPY KIDS
- HISPANIC MOMS OFTEN UNMARRIED
- NEW DIVORCE LAWS BRINGS MARRIAGE TRIAGE TO JAPAN

Three long articles this morning, from all over (Catholics, Hispanics,
Japanese), as examples of many more that are starting to appear with greater
frequency - dramatic difference from articles appearing ten years ago.
Important for us to track what reporters are writing about in depth, what
the public is reading ­ and how consciousness is shifting. When you can,
please take the time to visit the sites and add your comments/observations.
- diane

#######################
- STABLE MARRIAGE AND HAPPY KIDS

Stable Marriage and Happy Kids
Catholic.com 
By Father John Flynn, LC
11/27/2007

Zenit News Agency

The trends, increasingly evident in the growing body of medical and
sociological Statistics, confirm what the Church has always taught; intact,
stable, marriages between a man and a woman, create the healthiest and
happiest environments for the rearing and nurture of children.

ROME (Zenit) - The increasing trend toward cohabitation as an alternative to
marriage brings with it severe disadvantages for children. The latest
confirmation of how children suffer when brought up outside a stable
marriage between a man and a woman came in a lengthy article published Nov.
18 by the Associated Press.

The article reviewed evidence from a variety of sources, and commented that
many scholars and social workers "say the risk of child abuse is markedly
higher in the nontraditional family structures."

Among the studies cited by the Associated Press was that published in the
journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005. The journal reported
that children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times
as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two
biological parents.

Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of
physical or sexual assault, according to several studies co-authored by
David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes
Against Children Research Center, the article continued.

"The risk (of abuse) to children outside a two-parent household is
greater,'' Susan Orr, a child-welfare specialist in the Department of Health
and Human Services, told the Associated Press.

The problem exists outside the United States also. On April 15 a British
newspaper, the Sunday Telegraph, reported that seven children under age 16
had been murdered in London alone in the previous two months. Many crimes
such as these are being committed by juveniles, the paper noted.

The news prompted politicians to promise more funding for disadvantaged
communities, but the article commented that one of the main problems is that
adolescents brought up in a single-parent family are more likely to end up
in criminal activities. No fewer than 70% of young offenders are from
single-parent families.

In England there are now three times the number of children being brought up
just by their mothers than there were 30 years ago, the Telegraph added,
resulting in one in every four children being raised without a father.

Divorce's bottom line

Divorce creates other difficulties, among them economic. A July 7 article
from the British Telegraph newspaper reported that a study of more than
4,000 people found that on average, a man's income increases by 11% after
divorce. By contrast, a woman suffers a drop of 17%.

Particularly at risk are the mothers of young children, who find it
difficult to reconcile the demands of work and family responsibilities.

"We found that many women don't work at all after their marriage breaks down
or have to work only part-time because they can't afford the cost of child
care," commented Mieke Jansen, one of the authors of the study carried out
by academics from the University of Antwerp in Belgium.

Similar problems were revealed in research carried out by the Australian
Institute of Family Studies. According to a July 10 article from the
newspaper The Australian, not only does divorce bring with it economic
penalties but it also leads to unhappiness and harms both physical and
mental health.

The study, titled "Divorce and the Well-being of Older Australians,"
compared divorced women who remain single to those who are widowed and stay
single. Both men and women report problems of unhappiness and health, but
women are particularly affected.

Another Australian newspaper, the Sydney Morning Herald, reported Aug. 14
that marriage does indeed make people happier. During a visit to the
country, Swiss economist Bruno Frey reported on the findings of a survey of
15,000 people over 17 years, examining the relationship between happiness
and marriage. Frey said that one of the reasons people are happier in
marriage is due to the greater level of commitment between the couple.

>From England, a recent report by the Office for National Statistics found
that married couples live longer and enjoy better health, reported the Times
on Oct. 5. As well, children who live with their married parents are also
healthier, and will remain in full-time education for longer.

Failure on the rise

In spite of ample evidence of the harm stemming from facilitating divorce,
some countries continue to make it easier. The Spanish newspaper El País
reported Nov. 16 that in 2006 the number of divorces increased by a stunning
74%. The rise occurred after the socialist government changed the divorce
law in July 2005, allowing divorce proceedings to start without a period of
one year's separation previously required.

Overall in Spain in 2006 there were 210,132 marriages, and 145, 919
marriages that failed -- between divorce, separations and marriages declared
null.

According to a recent study by the Spain-based Institute for Family
Policies, Europe is seeing a decline in marriages and an increase in
divorce. The report, titled the "Evolution of the Family in Europe in 2007,"
said that the number of marriages in Europe decreased by 22.3% from 1980 to
2005, while divorces increased by 55% in the same period.

The latest figures do show a decrease in divorce in England and Wales, but
it could well be partially caused by lower marriage levels. According to an
Aug. 30 article published by the Guardian newspaper, in 2006 some 132,562
couples divorced. This is the lowest since 1977. The data came from figures
published by the Office for National Statistics.

The fall in divorce, however, comes when in 2005 the marriage rate in
England and Wales fell to its lowest level since records began in 1862.

One in three

Moreover, on Sept. 12 the Guardian published an article noting that the
cumulative total of divorces in past decades means that now more than 20
million people in the United Kingdom -- a third of the population -- are
affected by divorce and separation, either through their own relationships
or that of their parents.

The figures come from a study published by the Center for Separated
Families, a group that provides support for family members after separation.

Families are also under pressure in Canada, reported the Globe and Mail
newspaper, Sept. 12. According to the latest figures, taken from the 2006
national census, married-couple families are still the majority, accounting
for 68.8% of all census families.

Nevertheless, the number of cohabiting couples has more than doubled from
the 7.2% of two decades ago to the current level of 15.5% of all census
families. The number of lone-parent families has also increased, by 7.8% in
the period 2001-2006.

Single-parent families are more important than the relatively low percentage
would suggest.

Lone-parent families account for 26% in the category of families with
children. More than 2.1 million children are now living in a lone-parent
family. And, as in other countries, they are poorer. In 2005, the median
household income for two-parent families in Canada was 67,600 Canadian
dollars (US $68,861), according to the Globe and Mail. For lone-parent
families it was only 30,000 Canadian dollars (US $30,559).

"Marriage is still the best framework in which to raise healthy, happy
children," commented an editorial in the Globe and Mail newspaper the
following day. The clock can't be turned back, the newspaper added. Even so,
"Canadian families are unable to give their children the solidity that
serves them best," the editorial concluded.

Conclusions that are very similar to those expressed on repeated occasions
by Benedict XVI. "The devoted love of Christian married couples is a
blessing for your country," the Pontiff said on Nov. 19 to a group of Kenyan
bishops in Rome for their five-yearly visit.

"This precious treasure must be guarded at all costs," he recommended.
Advice that governments in all countries would do well to heed.

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- HISPANIC MOMS OFTEN UNMARRIED

BENTON COUNTY: Hispanic moms often unmarried
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
BY MARK MINTON
November 25, 2007

> Was she surprised that nearly half of Hispanic babies in America are born
> outside of marriage ? . . .
> 
> Combined with Hispanics ¹ high fertility rate ‹ they are the youngest and
> fastest-growing segment of the U. S. population ‹ the high percentage of
> out-of-wedlock births has some immigration critics warning of negative social
> consequences.
> 
> ³It just means in the long term more social breakdown and more welfare costs
> for the taxpayer,² said Heather Mac Donald of the conservative Manhattan
> Institute in New York.


ROGERS ‹ Nearly half of the babies delivered by Hispanic mothers in Benton
County last year were born out of wedlock.

That was double the rate for white, non-Hispanic mothers in the county.

The statistics mirror national trends that have the attention of advocates
of all persuasions.

Immigration critics warn of looming consequences, from persistent poverty to
welfare dependency. The Bush administration also makes the connection:
Preventing out-ofwedlock pregnancies is a key to its $ 100 million ³healthy
marriage² strategy for curbing welfare.

But in Benton County, the state¹s No. 1 home for Hispanic immigrants, health
and welfare officials report no signs of a strained safety net. And Hispanic
leaders say their famed family networks are strong in spite of the rising
numbers of out-of-wedlock births.

Of the 845 babies delivered by Hispanic mothers in Benton County last year,
412 ‹ 49 percent ‹ were born to unwed mothers, according to the Arkansas
Department of Health. The percentage mirrors the U. S. rate of 48 percent
for Hispanics.

In America overall, out-ofwedlock births hit a record 37 percent of all
births in 2005, according to the National Center for Health Statistics.

Amid such a broad-based shift, and an emotionally charged debate over
immigration, some religious and community leaders were reluctant to discuss
out-of-wedlock Hispanic births in Benton County, where an estimated 27,000
Hispanics make up 13 percent of the population. For instance, a spokesman
for St. Raphael Catholic Church, home to one of Northwest Arkansas¹ largest
Hispanic congregations, said the Springdale church ministers to people
regardless of marital status and had nothing to say about births outside of
marriage.

SUPPORTIVE PARENTS ³I kind of wanted a baby,² said Jennifer Bonilla, 16, a
student at the Rogers School District¹s Crossroads Alternative School.

³I was like, I¹m too young. But it happened. I was happy when I found out,²
she said.

Bonilla is one of three mothers among the school¹s 60 students. All three
are Hispanic.

As with the others, Bonilla lives with her parents. The father of her baby
is a construction worker, she said, and helps with money and chores such as
taking the year-old baby, Juan Carlos, to a neighbor for babysitting during
the day. Bonilla said she and the father plan to marry once she graduates
from high school.

Bonilla said her mother, who works in the mailroom of the Arkansas
Democrat-Gazette, also gave birth young and now is a 33-year-old
grandmother. Her father quit school after ninth grade but owns four dump
trucks and operates a hauling business, Bonilla said.

Both her parents are from El Salvador. They are in the country legally, she
said.

She broke the news to her parents via a phone call from Mexico, where she
was visiting when she learned she was pregnant.

³My mom, she didn¹t talk to me for a long time,² said Bonilla, who has two
little brothers and is the only daughter. But her parents are supportive
now, she said.

Was she surprised that nearly half of Hispanic babies in America are born
outside of marriage ?

³I have an uncle who has like five kids with different girls,² she said. ³So
it doesn¹t surprise me at all.²

No marriage doesn¹t mean no care, said Nancy Rodriguez, 17, a senior at
Crossroads Alternative School.

³Us, as Mexicans, we take the responsibility of having the child even if we
don¹t have the partner,² she said.

Rodriguez, the mother of an 18-month-old daughter, said the father of her
baby has returned to Mexico, and they have no plans to marry. But her family
fills the gap.

³My baby, she has a father role,² Rodriguez said. ³She calls my dad, ŒDad.¹
I don¹t got to worry about that.²

Down the hall, at a parenting class for pregnant girls, two of the five on a
recent morning were Hispanic. Brenda Hurtado, 17, said she¹s expecting a
daughter in early February. The 18-year-old father-to-be lives with her in
her parents¹ home, she said, and they plan to marry after she graduates.
Hurtado, who has an older sister who gave birth to three children without
marrying, said her parents were happy to learn she had become pregnant. ³I
don¹t know how they knew,² she said. ³They knew before I knew.²

A POSITIVE EVENT Hispanic families seem more accepting of teenage
pregnancies, said Linda Haley, director of counseling for the Rogers
schools. ³It¹s not devastating news,² she said, ³whereas in white families
it¹s a crisis.² Surveys by the National Center for Health Statistics
reinforce the conclusion, finding that Hispanic teens themselves view teen
pregnancies less negatively. In 2002, the most recent survey, one-fourth of
nevermarried Hispanic teenage girls considered teen pregnancy a positive
event ‹ twice the overall rate, the survey found. Although teen birth rates
have fallen to modern lows, the rate for Hispanic teens ‹ 82 births per 1,
000 girls ages 15-19 ‹ is the highest.

Michael Lopez, director of the National Center for Latino Child & Family
Research, a nonprofit research organization in Maryland, said out-of-wedlock
birth numbers may reveal a picture of what it¹s like to be in poverty more
than what it¹s like to be Hispanic. One in four Hispanic women of
child-bearing age lives in poverty, census data show, and Hispanic mothers
are far less likely to have completed high school than non-Hispanic whites
or blacks: 52 percent, compared with 77 percent for blacks and 89 for
non-Hispanic whites.

The Rogers and Springdale school districts don¹t track graduation rates by
race and ethnicity and couldn¹t say how many Hispanics drop out.

Lopez said Hispanic culture mitigates rather than exacerbates the trend
toward out-of-wedlock births.

³You get a much stronger commitment to the concept of family in the Latino
population,² he said.

Hispanic attitudes about abortion don¹t appear to be a driving factor.
Rebecca Wind, spokesman for the Guttmacher Institute, said the New York City
nonprofit¹s 2003 survey of women obtaining abortions found that abortion
rates for Hispanic women fall between those for non-Hispanic whites and
blacks.

The center is named for Alan F. Guttmacher, president of the Planned
Parenthood Federation of America until his death in 1974.

Could fear of applying for a marriage license be behind some out-of-wedlock
births ?

Benton County Clerk Mary Lou Slinkard, who issues marriage licenses, said
she asks for Social Security cards along with government-issued
identification cards of any nationality. But even if the couple doesn¹t have
the Social Security cards, they still get the marriage license, she said.
Immigration agents have never examined her license records.

DIFFERENT CUSTOMS At Centro Cristiano church, Pastor Armando Rodriguez, a
one-time shortstop for the Mexico City Reds who joined the U. S. Army and
found his calling at Fort Hood, Texas, looks over a congregation of
immigrants. The crowd that filed into the Rogers church for a recent
Wednesday service included dozens of small children. But not single mothers.
Julio Olvera, a church member who agreed to do a quick survey of the main
hall, returned 10 minutes later and said he had located only one. In an
interview, the pastor said his church has members from nine countries.

³We¹ve got some Chile, we¹ve got some Peru,² said Rodriguez, rattling off
the nationalities. ³Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, Honduras, El Salvador,
Guatemala, Mexico and Ecuador.²

Hispanics generally do have strong families, the pastor said. But stresses
such as finding a way in a new country, especially for the thousands who
have come illegally, take a toll on families, he said.

³Once they come here, the challenges are greater than the strength of the
unit,² he said. American popular culture often doesn¹t help, he said.

³They come here to the United States, and we have such a high regard for the
quality of life here,² Rodriguez said. ³But sadly enough, we see the other
side. The examples are not the prime ones.²

Rodriguez¹s wife, Sonia, who was born in Guatemala City, Guatemala, said
many immigrants from rural areas bring a tradition of out-of-wedlock births
with them, however. They never viewed marriage as vital and are just
carrying on their ways, she said. In Mexico, 38 percent of babies are born
out of wedlock, almost identical to the overall percentage in the United
States, according to numbers compiled by the United Nations. In El Salvador,
it¹s 73 percent.

IMMIGRATION DEBATE Out-of-wedlock births have remained below the surface of
the emotional debate over illegal immigration, but they recently emerged as
a political issue for some. At the Center for Immigration Studies, a
Washington think tank that favors ³fewer immigrants but a warmer welcome for
those admitted,² research director Steven Camarota released a report earlier
this year titled ³Illegitimate Nation² that underscored immigrant
out-ofwedlock births.

Out-of-wedlock births at levels approaching 50 percent are tough to square
with the strong family values that President Bush and others have imputed to
Hispanics, Camarota said in an interview. He said the numbers challenge
Bush¹s repeated assertion that ³family values don¹t end at the Rio Grande.²

But even as Hispanics, projected to make up 25 percent of the U. S.
population by mid-century, contribute to the raw numbers of out-of-wedlock
births in America, they can¹t be blamed for driving the trend, Camarota
said. Not in a country where out-of-wedlock births have been climbing for
decades.

Since 1960, the percentage of babies born to unwed mothers has risen
sevenfold, said David Popenoe, author of the annual ³State of Our Unions²
report published by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University in
New Jersey.

Twenty-five percent of white babies are now born out of wedlock. For blacks,
68 percent.

Along with declining marriage rates and increasing cohabitation, the overall
rise in out-of-wedlock births reveals a weakening of marriage as the primary
institution of family life in America, Popenoe said.

It¹s unlikely that immigration will shift the U. S. culture in a more
traditional direction, he said, despite expectations that Hispanics would
import traditional family values.

³You could certainly say that Hispanics are more Œfamilistic¹ than
non-Hispanics in this country,² Popenoe said. ³They focus more on family
life, and loyalty to family and things of that kind. Basically, that¹s just
an older way of living.²

But, as Popenoe put it in his 2007 report, ³Hispanics seem to have
assimilated into the American culture of secular individualism more than the
reverse.²

Combined with Hispanics ¹ high fertility rate ‹ they are the youngest and
fastest-growing segment of the U. S. population ‹ the high percentage of
out-of-wedlock births has some immigration critics warning of negative
social consequences.

³It just means in the long term more social breakdown and more welfare costs
for the taxpayer,² said Heather Mac Donald of the conservative Manhattan
Institute in New York.

Mac Donald, whose recently released book The Immigration Solution addresses
out-of-wedlock births, acknowledged that a higher percentage of black babies
are born out of wedlock than Hispanic babies.

³But the black population isn¹t growing,² she said.

One of every four babies born in Benton County last year was Hispanic.
Nationally, about one-fifth of children under age 8 in the United States are
Hispanic.

Even as critics sifting the birth numbers warn of coming social
consequences, others paint a picture of Hispanic family strength and
solidarity.

³A Profile of Immigrants in Arkansas,² the widely publicized 119-page report
released this spring by Little Rock¹s Winthrop Rockefeller Foundation, never
mentions out-of-wedlock births, but says children of immigrants are
generally more likely to live in two-parent families than children of
natives.

After the first generation in America, however, it¹s much less likely that
children born out of wedlock will be living with two parents, data show.

Large extended families often pick up the slack for single mothers, said
Judi Singleton, director of the nonprofit Family Network, which helps new
mothers in Northwest Arkansas. But the charity doesn¹t get any referrals
about Hispanic mothers, Singleton said, because they rarely lack support.

By at least one measure, the local welfare safety net also has yet to feel
any strain.

Loy Bailey, district manager of the Benton County Health Unit, said the
federal WIC (Women, Infants, Children ) nutrition program, which assists
with food needs for low-income pregnant women and mothers, has seen local
caseloads decline over the past three years. Citizenship is not a
requirement of the program.

Food stamp clients in Benton County increased from 14, 431 people in 2004 to
18, 109 last year. Clients must be citizens or provide proof of legal-alien
status.

MARRIAGE INITIATIVE

The Bush administration awards grants to nonprofits and church organizations
to carry out its Healthy Marriage Initiative, a grant program that promotes
marriage as a way to end dependence by needy families on government
benefits. It specifically aims to prevent out-of-wedlock births. John Brown
University in Siloam Springs, a private Christian institution, runs the only
grant-funded program in Arkansas, according to documents from the federal
Administration for Children & Families. JBU¹s program is not directed
specifically at Hispanics or out-of-wedlock births.

But the federal healthy-marriage program does go to pains to reach
Hispanics.

Among Uncle Sam¹s tips for nonprofit and faith-based groups getting federal
grants for Hispanic-focused programs: ³Reach out to men and highlight the
positive elements of Œ machismo ¹² and ³use phrases such as strong couples
and healthy marriages are the foundation of a vibrant family.²

Copyright © 2001-2007 Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, Inc.

URL: http://www.nwanews.com/adg/News/208693/

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- NEW DIVORCE LAWS BRINGS MARRIAGE TRIAGE TO JAPAN
[This article was front page on Washington Post with photos....]

Learn to Be Nice to Your Wife, or Pay the Price
Japan's Salarymen, With Pensions At Stake, Work on Their Marriages

By Blaine Harden
Washington Post Foreign Service
November 26, 2007

FUKUOKA, Japan -- Salarymen -- the black-suited corporate warriors who work
long hours, spend long evenings drinking with cronies and stumble home late
to long-suffering wives -- have danger waiting for them as they near
retirement.

Divorce. A change in Japanese law this year allows a wife who is filing for
divorce to claim as much as half her husband's company pension. When the new
law went into effect in April, divorce filings across Japan spiked 6.1
percent. Many more split-ups are in the pipeline, marriage counselors
predict. They say wives -- hearts gone cold after decades of marital neglect
-- are using calculators to ponder pension tables, the new law and the big
D.

Skittishly aware of the trouble they're in, 18 salarymen, many of them
nearing retirement, gathered at a restaurant here recently for beer, boiled
pork and marital triage.

The evening began with a defiantly defeatist toast. Husbands reminded
themselves of what their organization -- the improbably named National
Chauvinistic Husbands Association -- preaches as a sound strategy for
arguing with one's wife.

"I can't win. I won't win. I don't want to win," they bellowed in unison,
before tippling from tall schooners of draft beer.

The pork was scrumptious and the mood jolly, but throughout the dinner
meeting there was an undertow of not-too-distant domestic disaster.

"The fact that a wife can now get 50 percent has ignited guys to think about
their fragile marriages," said Shuichi Amano, 55, founder of the association
and a magazine publisher in this city of 1.3 million in western Japan. The
word chauvinist in the group's name, Amano says, is not intended to refer to
bossy men. Instead, it invokes the original meaning of the Japanese word
that today translates as chauvinist, kanpaku, a top assistant to the
emperor.

Men near the end of their corporate lives, he said, are especially edgy. "To
be divorced is the equivalent of being declared dead -- because we can't
take care of ourselves," Amano said.

When his wife told him eight years ago that she was "99 percent" certain she
was going to dump him, Amano said, the only things he then knew how to do in
the kitchen were to fry eggs and pour boiled water over noodles.

Since then, in addition to learning how to listen and talk to a wife he had
ignored for two decades, Amano said, he has learned how to take out the
trash, clean the house and cook.

Marriage in Japan is going through an increasingly rough patch. As in the
United States and most wealthy industrialized countries, the age of first
marriage is being pushed back in Japan. Between 1962 and 2006, the average
age at which a woman married for the first time slid from 24 to 28.

But for well-educated (and presumably well-informed) young women in Japan,
marriage is fast becoming a sociological rarity.

In 1980, about three-quarters of Japan's college-educated women were married
by age 29. Now, seven out of 10 are single at that age. In the past 20
years, the percentage of women in this elite demographic category who do not
want to marry at all has almost doubled -- to about 29 percent.

This wariness is a rational response to the isolation and drudgery of being
a wife in Japan, according to Hiromi Ikeuchi, a family counselor with the
Tokyo Family Laboratory. "I don't think it is the fault of men," she said.
"It is the corporate culture that expects men to work late."

Japan's divorce rate had been rising steadily for decades. Then, in 2003,
the law was passed granting a divorcing wife the right to as much as half of
her husband's pension. But the pension provision did not go into effect
until this April.

"Hundreds of thousands of women were waiting," said Ikeuchi, who added that
since April about 95 percent of divorce applications have come from women
who apparently were done waiting. "Unfortunately, I think the divorce rate
is going to go up."

She said the situation is particularly worrisome for married men nearing
retirement -- men who are soon to return full time to the bosom of families
they have financially supported but emotionally ignored.

"This husband who comes back is an alien," Ikeuchi said. "For a wife to
accept this alien is going to be very, very difficult."

While many experts agree that there is a marriage crisis brewing in
Japanese, the response of men has been tepid.

The National Chauvinist Husbands Association has been widely covered in the
Japanese news media in the past five years. But it has recruited just 4,300
members in a country of about 60 million men. Most married men in Japan are
simply not paying attention, Ikeuchi said. "They think their wives will take
care of them, like they took care of the children," she said. "They have no
conception if their wife is happy."

The husbands association ranks its members on a scale of 1 to 10.

A "1" is a well-meaning but clueless guy who has done little more than show
up at a group meeting.

A "10" is a husband who has reached a Zen-like state of being able to show
his wife through his daily behavior that he truly loves her -- and even
manages to spit out the words "I love you." It is not common in Japanese
culture for men or women to say those words, even in happy marriages,
according to marriage counselors.

So far, the husbands association has unearthed only one "10."

He is Yoshimichi Itahashi, 66, president of a concrete company here in
Fukuoka. He has been married for 38 years and has two daughters and a son.

For almost all of that time, he behaved coldly and selfishly toward his wife
and children.

"I think my generation especially has grown up in a very feudalistic era,"
he said. "I never said I was sorry. When I came home from work, I would say
I want to eat dinner, I want a bath and I want to go to bed. I had no time
to talk to my wife."

Before the beer and pork supper, Itahashi invited his wife, Hisano, to
explain some of the details of his misbehavior.

"He didn't exist in the family," she said. "It was almost like a family of
mother and children, like there was no father. Not only was he not there, I
couldn't get in touch with him at all."

Itahashi joined the husbands association five years ago, but kept it a
secret from his wife for a year, as he quietly taught himself to pay more
attention to her and the now-grown children. He said the 2003 divorce law
helped focus his mind and see domestic relations in Japan for what he now
believes they are -- a volatile mess.

"Japan is a peaceful country, but the household is at war," he said.

Two years ago, Itahashi did something new -- he bought his wife a birthday
present.

"Up until my 60th birthday, he had not given me anything at all," she said.
"But on my 60th, he sent me 60 flowers."

Hisano Itahashi said that she is heartened that her husband is trying to
make amends for the decades he ignored her. Still, she said, the war in her
household is not over and her husband has lots of work to do.

"There was only one time he said he loved me," she said. "And that time, he
was standing behind me."

Midway through dinner in Fukuoka, as beer flowed and men exchanged
marriage-preservation tips, the newest member of the association was sworn
in.

Motoharu Kitajima, 30, married over the summer. He runs a local beauty
college and said his work requires that he spend a lot of nights out
drinking with colleagues. He joined the association as a preventive measure,
he said, to help alert him to strains in his marriage.

He is going to try to leave boozy dinners early and get home, he declared.
Asked whether he has yet mastered the art of telling his wife that he loves
her, he replied: "I can say, 'I love you,' if I am drunk."

Dinner broke up before any of the husbands got noticeably drunk.

As they filed out of the restaurant, Amano advised the husbands not to go to
a second drinking party. He said they should go home to their wives.

For photos and to post a comment, visit:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/25/AR2007112501
720.html?referrer=emailarticle

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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel, 
July 2 - 5, 2008  
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2 
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html 

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or 
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com 

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director  
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com  
202-362-3332

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