Tah Dah - Web Steaming | Male Midlife | Retirement Tensions: Spouse in the House Coach - 11/21/07

[Smartmarriages]

- TAH DAH: PLAYBACK ADDS VIDEO STREAMING
- MALE MIDLIFE, ANYONE?
- HONEY, I'M HOME FOR GOOD: A SPOUSE IN THE HOUSE


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- TAH DAH: PLAYBACK ADDS VIDEO STREAMING

You can now see samples of keynote videos from the Denver Smart Marriages
Conference. 

So far there are only snips from the "Top 5 DVDs" package, but Playback will
add more DVDs next week.  This was a complete surprise for me with Playback
selecting the snippets.  But I think they're fine and am so thankful for
this new feature!  ENJOY at: http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com/

Here are the DVDs that are featured at this point:
>     * The Paradox of Sacrifice - Scott Stanley, PhD
>     * Black Marriage Day - Nisa Muhammad
>     * Mars & Venus Collide: The New War of the Sexes - John Gray, PhD
>     * Ultimate Relationships - Anthony Robbins
>     * Hearts United: Lessons From the Front - John Van Epp, PhD

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- MALE MIDLIFE, ANYONE?

Diane, 

Reading the article about the financial discrepancies between husbands and
wives after a divorce reminded me of a question I wanted to ask you.

Why don't you have any workshops on the male midlife crisis at the Smart
Marriages conference?  I have seen this too many times to not believe it is
real.  Six years ago while my own husband was going through a midlife
crisis, my next door neighbor informed me that her husband of 20 years was
leaving her for a younger woman.  She was 57 and was looking forward to
their retirement - golden years.  She had a nervous breakdown but is now
recovered (and working - she never received any financial support from her
ex.)  At the same time on the work front, a male colleague got involved with
a female coworker 20 years younger than him.  He eventually divorced his
wife and married the younger woman.  In all of these cases and others I've
seen since, the husband is usually in his 40's or early 50's. 

I believe there is real need for this type of workshop. So if someone could
take up the challenge, I think it would be much appreciated - especially by
the many baffled wives.

Debbie Preece
Madison County Coalition
for Healthy Marriages
(256) 489-3924
www.mcchm.org

What comes to mind is Frank Pittman's keynote, "What Are Men For, Anyway?"
You can order this classic at 800-241-7785. But I'd surely be open to late
workshop submissions on this topic.

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- HONEY, I'M HOME FOR GOOD: A SPOUSE IN THE HOUSE
 
> Mary Ann Cook, a "spouse in the house" coach . . .  "It's what married couples
> always go through, but it's exacerbated because you're together all the time."

I love that term, "spouse in the house" coach....maybe we should get her to
present in SF. ??  - diane

Centre Times Daily 
Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2007

Tensions arise in marriages when a spouse retires
By BILL REED
- The Gazette

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. ‹ He alphabetized her spice rack.

She took it as an act of aggression.

What else would you expect? For 33 years, Col. Reo Trail had been in the Air
Force, a distinguished career that included honors in World War II and a
stint as commander of the Phu Cat Air Base in Vietnam. He was accustomed to
discipline, organization and giving orders.

So when he retired to be with his wife and three kids, he decided he'd bring
some order to the home front - and he started in the kitchen.

"The first thing he did was alphabetize my spices," Martha Trail said.

"I thought that made sense," he said.
Advertisement

She was not amused.

That was 1972, and the Trails' marriage has survived an additional 35 years
since his retirement. But the transition wasn't easy.

It's a scenario that's grown more common: As people retire earlier and live
longer, a growing number of spouses are having to learn how to get along
when both are home full time. This is especially true in towns like Colorado
Springs, Colo., where the military makes early retirement a more popular
option.

The recent rise in "gray divorces" - divorces among couples ages 40 to 80 -
proves that a new chapter in life doesn't always have a happy ending.

"Some of the people I see, I think: `They're not going to work this out
without counseling,'" said Mary Ann Cook, a "spouse in the house" coach from
Colorado Springs, Colo. "It's what married couples always go through, but
it's exacerbated because you're together all the time."

Define the problem

Cook has heard it all, from "We have nothing to talk about after all these
years" to "I can't stand the way he breathes. I can hear him all over the
house!"

Cook began giving workshops on how to deal with a spouse in the house after
her husband began to work at home 15 years ago. An accountant who worked
long hours, her husband came home one day with a fax machine in tow and
announced he'd be home for good. Cook dropped the meatloaf she was holding,
and glass and ground beef splattered across her kitchen.

At first, the work-at-home mother and writer admits, she taught the classes
to get out of the house. After commiserating with other wives and collecting
stories from her workshops, she wrote the book "Honey, I'm Home for Good!"
(published by Focus on the Family in 2003) to dispense humor and advice to
retirees and couples who work from home.

"Just sharing their stories in the class can help them feel better," she
said. "At least they know they're not alone."

The big issues are privacy and control, but the practical issues are who
answers the phone, who gets the TV remote, who buys the groceries and who
controls the thermostat.

The women also feel smothered by husbands who come home and expect to be
waited on. They complain about their husbands being underfoot and getting in
their business.

Sorry fellas, but after listening to hundreds of stories, Cook has never
once heard from a wife who wished she could spend more time with her retired
husband.

"I have never heard `I want to do something with him and he's always off
with his friends,'" she said. "Some men have said after reading my book
they're never going to retire. They had thought their wives would be
thrilled to have them home."

When her husband came home full time, Cook thought she needed to look as if
she were working hard. They fought over her chatting on the phone with
friends, and she started carrying around a broom just to seem busy.

Find solutions

Cook said her perspective started to change as she taught workshops to other
women, and to the men who came with them.

Husbands said things such as, "I came home and I wanted to help her out, but
everything I'd do she'd tell me I was doing wrong."

Many couples had the same problem as the Trails with the alphabetized spice
rack: He thought he was being helpful. She thought he was invading her
territory, and perhaps indicting the way she'd been running the house.

Cook said she realized that communicating clearly was the linchpin to
getting along better. Most men and women can't read minds. Couples need to
talk about exactly what they expect from each other.

"If you're not honest about these things bugging you, you just get bitter,"
Cook said. "Then you lash out and the person doesn't know what hit them."

Cook, who was so annoyed when her husband always asked when she'd be home as
she left the house, instead asked him why he wanted to know. She thought he
wanted to control her, but the truth was her friends were constantly calling
and asking "When will she be home?" She was relieved to discover she didn't
need to rush home at an appointed time; he was relieved that she didn't
expect him to serve as her secretary.

"Now it's like, `Gee, he doesn't even care if I leave,'" she said jokingly.

Cook also has an easy solution for men who demand to be waited on hand and
foot, a common problem in older generations. "I say, just don't do it. Teach
him how to make a cup of coffee. Teach him to make toast."

Cook walks her students through the ABCs: accept the reality, better the
situation, and then learn to cherish the time together.

The Trails said that is wisdom they've gained on their own through the
years. They discovered practical steps such as giving each other space and
time away. They created a den in the basement that Reo could decorate and
use as an escape. As for hobbies, he fixes up vintage cars, clocks and
watches, while Martha is passionate about her garden.

Reo, 86, said these days he is grateful simply to have time together with
his wife.

Cook said that is profound; the change from griping to grateful changes
everything.

"You have the opportunity to make this such a good time in your life, and
you don't want to waste it fighting over territory," Cook said. "You don't
know how many years you have left together."

10 tips

How to live with a retired (or work-at-home) spouse, from "Honey, I'm Home
for Good!" by Mary Ann Cook:

1. Form an open and honest partnership.

2. Help your spouse feel welcome and comfortable in the home.

3. Communicate clearly, keeping in mind your mate's personality.

4. Consider your mate's needs and desires, not just your own.

5. Look for the humor in every situation.

6. Speak kindly and respectfully to each other.

7. Provide escape hatches for the rough times.

8. Stay active with separate and joint pastimes.

9. Make time for yourself and don't feel guilty.

10. Count your blessings and record them in a gratitude journal. (You should
include good things about the spouse who is bugging you.)


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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
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Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
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