Program Builds Strong Army Marriages - 11/16/07

[Smartmarriages]

- PROGRAM BUILDS STRONG ARMY MARRIAGES

This one is so good it deserves its own post. To watch the program and
points come alive watch the DVD of the Opening Keynote session at the Smart
Marriages Denver conference. It featured Chaplain Frederich, John Van Epp
and 15 couples and their kids whose soldier husbands/dads were about to
deploy - brought the house down. Order on CD, MP# or DVD at 800-241-7785 or
at http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com

> #757-002 - Strong Bonds: Hearts United
> Lessons From the Front
> War places extraordinary stress on the bonds of marriage
> and on those that work with military couples. What are the
> lessons learned in the compressed, intense crucible of war -
> in the brief and precious moments of pre and post deployment - that
> can help all couples everywhere value, cherish, commit, connect,
> maintain, support, and love - with all their hearts.

----------------------------------
- Program Builds Strong Army Marriages

> "We've seen the Strong Bonds program building strong Families," said Maj. Gen.
> Douglas L. Carver, the Army's chief of chaplains. "A strong Soldier, as he
> prepares or even goes to combat, will be strong if his Family's strong. It's
> based upon building strong communication, strong relationships, maintaining
> that strong intimacy that couples need to have."

> "If for six months, you use the skills you learn this weekend, and it doesn't
> improve your marriage, call me and I'll take you out for a steak dinner,
> separately if necessary," Lt. Col. Mark Sachs, deputy staff chaplain for the
> 99th Regional Readiness Command, told the group. He added that he's
> facilitated 14 or 15 retreats and has yet to receive a phone call. He has,
> however, heard from couples who cancelled their appointments with divorce
> lawyers. . . . 
 
> The weekend includes a "date night," and couples must leave their home city
> and stay in a hotel in order to spend quality time together. The Army pays for
> everything, even the spouse's travel.
> 
> "This is critical because if your marriage isn't healthy, something's going to
> happen to you as a Soldier," said Lt. Col. Peter J. Frederich, Family
> ministries officer at the Office of the Chief of Chaplains. "We don't charge
> Soldiers to train on their weapon so we shouldn't charge them to train on
> their marriage." . . .

> According to Chaplain Frederich, Strong Bonds has been so successful that the
> National Institutes of Health gave the chaplaincy a grant for a five-year
> study to see if the program makes a difference in the amount of time the
> Soldiers stay in the Army, whether they get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,
> what their promotion rates are, etc.


Program Builds Strong Army Marriages
Army News Service | November 15, 2007

WASHINGTON - Sgt. 1st Class Pernell Mabry's wife Wanda gave birth to twins
the day before he deployed to Iraq. Like many other Soldiers, he missed
their first Christmas and their first steps, and he didn't know if they
would bond with him when he came home. The separation and reunion, he and
his wife said, came with many challenges and unexpected adjustments.

The couple joined other Army Reserve couples - officer and noncommissioned
officer, newlywed and those married 30 years - at a Strong Bonds weekend in
Arlington, Va., Nov. 9-11, for a mini-vacation to strengthen their
marriages. As the weekend progressed, most began to sit a little closer,
share glances and hold hands.

The Strong Bonds program is a training program run by both active-duty and
reserve-component chaplains. It originated in 1999 with the 25th Infantry
Division, but has taken off during the war on terrorism, as Army couples
needed to maintain or rebuild their friendships and intimacy amid repeated
deployment cycles.

"We've seen the Strong Bonds program building strong Families," said Maj.
Gen. Douglas L. Carver, the Army's chief of chaplains. "A strong Soldier, as
he prepares or even goes to combat, will be strong if his Family's strong.
It's based upon building strong communication, strong relationships,
maintaining that strong intimacy that couples need to have."

"If for six months, you use the skills you learn this weekend, and it
doesn't improve your marriage, call me and I'll take you out for a steak
dinner, separately if necessary," Lt. Col. Mark Sachs, deputy staff chaplain
for the 99th Regional Readiness Command, told the group. He added that he's
facilitated 14 or 15 retreats and has yet to receive a phone call. He has,
however, heard from couples who cancelled their appointments with divorce
lawyers.

"The core of the program is communication styles, how to communicate well
when it counts most, when you have something very sensitive to talk about or
when the topic is risky or a high-emotional topic," said Chaplain Sachs. "We
teach our participants about communication patterns that are toxic to a
marriage, how to avoid them and what to do when you find yourself in one of
those patterns. We talk about problem-solving or conflict-management, how to
approach things that you differ on and come to conclusions, solutions, that
are a productive way to represent what both husband and wife want.

"A lot of times when couples fight, it's because an event in the course of
everyday life has sparked an issue for them. Couples tend to discuss the
issue in the context of the event and because of that it never gets
resolved. How do you separate issues from events and work through them in a
way that's productive?"

The weekend includes a "date night," and couples must leave their home city
and stay in a hotel in order to spend quality time together. The Army pays
for everything, even the spouse's travel.

"This is critical because if your marriage isn't healthy, something's going
to happen to you as a Soldier," said Lt. Col. Peter J. Frederich, Family
ministries officer at the Office of the Chief of Chaplains. "We don't charge
Soldiers to train on their weapon so we shouldn't charge them to train on
their marriage."

Strong Bonds often includes some kind of recommitment ceremony, and Sgt. 1st
Class Lorenzia Henderson, a chaplain's assistant with the 99th, urged
Soldiers and their spouses to recognize each other. Tears fell on both sides
as Soldiers thanked their spouses for holding everything together at home
during deployments.

The 99th RRC added the Army's Battlemind training to the retreat, to ensure
that the Soldiers, some of whom had recently returned from deployment, and
their spouses knew the post-traumatic stress symptoms to expect, including
isolation, aggression, drinking, flashbacks and nightmares.

"I think most of us got messed up down there and we don't see it until our
wife says, 'I've got one foot out the door. Do you want to do something
about it before the other one's out?' That's what my wife told me a couple
of weeks ago," said one Soldier, emphasizing the importance of programs like
Strong Bonds in helping marriages recover from or prepare for deployment.

Sgt. 1st Class Mabry, who returned from Iraq in September, said this retreat
was the first opportunity he's had to spend time alone with his wife since
his return. "I think this is really helpful and I thank the chaplain's
section for coming up with the idea. Soldiers really need something to get
them back into family-orientation, and this is really good. This is
something that really helps."

"It's been very, very helpful to me; I think to both of us, because we've
had our challenges since he's been back," added Mrs. Mabry. "With us having
different parenting ideas and thoughts and opinions -- and for him, being a
new parent all over again -- and then different backgrounds, I think this
has helped us to have a common ground."

They both said they would recommend the program to other Soldiers and plan
to use the techniques. In fact, 95 percent of couples say they would
recommend the program on their after-action reports, said Chaplain Sachs.

According to Chaplain Frederich, Strong Bonds has been so successful that
the National Institutes of Health gave the chaplaincy a grant for a
five-year study to see if the program makes a difference in the amount of
time the Soldiers stay in the Army, whether they get Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder, what their promotion rates are, etc.

New versions of the program are now geared toward single Soldiers another
involves entire Families. The one for single Soldiers focuses on how to
choose the right partner, and the other version for Families focuses on
parenting skills.

For more information or to find an upcoming retreat, visit
www.strongbonds.org.

Copyright 2007 Army News Service. All opinions expressed in this article are
the author's and do not necessarily reflect those of Military.com.

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