Frayed Knot | Married in America - Part II - May 25, 2007

[Smartmarriages]

- THE FRAYED KNOT: SPECIAL REPORT ON MARRIAGE IN AMERICA
- MARRIED IN AMERICA - MY OBSERVATIONS AND MY "NO KICKBACK" DIATRIBE

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- THE FRAYED KNOT: SPECIAL REPORT ON MARRIAGE IN AMERICA
The Economist 
May 24, 2007 

This "Special Report on Marriage in America" from the current edition of THE
ECONOMIST is based on the Kay Hymowitz book "Marriage and Caste in America".
This article clearly outlines the widening "marriage gap" and the sobering
work that lies ahead.  Here's a clip but do go to the website and read the
full piece w/ charts - highly readable and helpful to hand out to
legislators and policy folks in your community marriage work.

Also read the article, and the book, so you are prepared to honor Kay
Hymowitz at the Smart Marriages Impact Award luncheon Friday in Denver. If
this one doesn't get you to your feet, I don't know what will. Kay will sign
books on Thurs 5-6pm and again Fri 5:30pm at the PlayBackNow exhibit.
-diane    


> There is a widening gulf between how the best- and least-educated Americans
> approach marriage and child-rearing. Among the elite (excluding film stars),
> the nuclear family is holding up quite well. Only 4% of the children of
> mothers with college degrees are born out of wedlock. And the divorce rate
> among college-educated women has plummeted. Of those who first tied the knot
> between 1975 and 1979, 29% were divorced within ten years. Among those who
> first married between 1990 and 1994, only 16.5% were.
> 
> At the bottom of the education scale, the picture is reversed. Among
> high-school dropouts, the divorce rate rose from 38% for those who first
> married in 1975-79 to 46% for those who first married in 1990-94. Among those
> with a high school diploma but no college, it rose from 35% to 38%. And these
> figures are only part of the story. Many mothers avoid divorce by never
> marrying in the first place. The out-of-wedlock birth rate among women who
> drop out of high school is 15%. Among African-Americans, it is a staggering
> 67%.
> 
> Does this matter? Kay Hymowitz of the Manhattan Institute, a conservative
> think-tank, says it does. In her book ³Marriage and Caste in America², she
> argues that the ³marriage gap² is the chief source of the country's notorious
> and widening inequality. Middle-class kids growing up with two biological
> parents are ³socialised for success². They do better in school, get better
> jobs and go on to create intact families of their own. Children of single
> parents or broken families do worse in school, get worse jobs and go on to
> have children out of wedlock. This makes it more likely that those born near
> the top or the bottom will stay where they started. America, argues Ms
> Hymowitz, is turning into ³a nation of separate and unequal families².

For the full article - a "keeper":

 <http://www.economist.com/world/na/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9218127>

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- MARRIED IN AMERICA - MY OBSERVATIONS AND MY "NO KICKBACK" DIATRIBE

I want to hear from those of you that watched Michael Apted's "Married in
America" Part II.  I'd especially like to hear what you thought of this as a
marriage education tool?  I've mostly heard from people that don't get the
Hallmark channel and were hoping I could make a copy off my Tivo and send
them one.  I don't know how to do that, and suspect it's illegal, anyway.
The good news is one of you wrote to let me know it's available on amazon
for only $22.  http://tinyurl.com/379eu3

And, no, I do not get a kick-back on these promotions.  I've had over a
dozen offers this month (always happens as conference approaches) from
people that want to give me a percentage or "a donation" if I'd promote
their DVD or book to the list the way I've promoted Married in America or
Song of Songs or the Hymowitz book or The First Dance.  I know it's painful
to hear that you can't buy "ads" on the list or a keynote at Smart
Marriages, but you can't.  I also apologize for this little diatribe but I
got into a quite heated and upsetting discussion with a doubting caller this
week and I guess it's bleeding over. So, yes, you can purchase an exhibit
table ($600), brochure ad (range of prices based on size), insert in the
on-site packet ($300), or listing on the Directory of Programs on the Smart
Marriages website ($50). (Those are, also, as it says on the applications,
at the discretion of CMFCE, LCD.)  But, NO, as has been the case since the
beginning, you cannot purchase a promo on the list, or a handout or
doorprize spot at the keynotes, or a poster session, or a special movie
screening, or a spot on the "free take-one table". And, you cannot purchase
a spot to present at the conference.  I realize that other conferences do
charge people to put out material on the "take one" tables, and do charge
presenters to present - was just told about a $450 fee to make a workshop
presentation at another conference from someone who wants to guarantee a
presenter spot at the 2008 Smart Marriages because their book will be out in
'08. You also cannot pay a fee to be able to write an article to appear on
the list serv.  And, yes, I've long known this is done on other lists and
web sites.  I appreciate the suggestions, but so far, this is not how we do
it.  

BACK TO "MARRIED IN AMERICA: PART II".  I will share some of my observations
while I wait to hear from the rest of you.

First, I think it is a wonderful marriage education tool - though maybe more
for us educators than for the public. It gives us (especially some of us
older marriage activists) a window into today's marriages - dual earner
couples with kids and LONG commutes and concepts about "time for myself" and
being "self-fulfilled" and expectations about buying a house in the first
few years. All pretty much foreign to those of us over 55. I recommend we
watch this as we design programs to help make sure we know our target and
understand their struggles.  Should probably watch it once a year!

Maybe even more important is an observation I shared after Part I aired,
that I'll share again because I think it should inspire us to work even
harder. After Part I, I predicted that the mechanism of checking in on
couples every five years would, in and of itself, likely strengthen the
marriages. Some of you thought it might do just the opposite - that the
spotlight and being on TV might ruin them - spoil them and make all the tv
coverage of the wedding make plain ole marriage seem boring in comparison.
However, of the nine couples only two separated in the intervening 5 years.
Of those two, one is back together and giving it a try. The other is
divorced. That's only one divorce out of 9! (Or, out of 8, because one
couple are lesbians and not able to marry.  But these two are strongly
committed and are now the very busy parents of toddler twins.)

It's also important to note that the two couples that separated were the
only two that brought children from a previous marriage into their unions.
We know step-marriages are the most challenging and have the highest failure
rate.  Especially in the early years.  And, in the marriage that divorced,
the bride had had three prior marriages and the groom had four.  So, they
not only had children from previous marriages but from many previous
marriages. The stats on that are also clear: the odds for failure increase
with each subsequent marriage.  We need to be sure to include good, strong
programs and support for stepfamilies in all our community efforts.

So all of this, the inside look at these couples day-to-day, makes this a
good teaching tool - just to show what to expect with the realities of dual
earner/new babies/house purchases /moving in with parents/time
crunches/infertility/mixed cultures/ etc.

However, I think the important and inspiring "take away" for those of us in
the Coalition is that having others - your family, community, congregation,
or a tv crew ­ care about your marriage makes a difference.  It makes you
aware and it makes you intentional to know that someone is going check back
in periodically to see how your MARRIAGE is doing.  WE can't provide a tv
crew to monitor each marriage (or maybe we could if we just took a small
part of the welfare/downstream billions and applied some upstream in a
cost/misery prevention tv monitoring program).....BUT, kidding aside, we CAN
think of ways to replicate this effect. Which is, really, what we've been
trying to do with our Smart Marriages campaign since the beginning with
marriage classes, our message that you can get smarter about marriage and
that there ARE big benefits in getting and staying married, with our
billboards, and Community Marriage Policies, and marriage incentive
legislation, and public service announcements, and thousands of messages in
the press. Our job is to CREATE a marriage-watching, marriage-monitoring,
marriage-supporting, marriage-celebrating community. Pat Fagan and others
have proposed institutionalizing this with a tax-incentive program - a
payout for couples that reach the big marriage milestones. And, I've long
proposed that we celebrate the wedding anniversaries of our family members,
friends, and colleagues - that we celebrate WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES with at
least as much, if not more, fanfare than we celebrate birthdays.  Before
antibiotics and by-pass, birthdays were something to celebrate.  Now, after
no-fault divorce, wedding anniversaries should get the big hurrah.  They're
the big achievement - against the odds. There are so many ways we can create
this marriage supporting culture.

Anyway, that was my take on watching it.  I look forward to your comments
and suggestions.  I'll share them with the list and forward them to the
producer.  - diane 


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11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
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