Egalitarian Marriages | Fast Track | Infidelity - 5/23/07

[Smartmarriages]

- EGALITARIAN MARRIAGE
- FAST TRACK
- STAYING TOGETHER AFTER INFIDELITY
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- EGALITARIAN MARRIAGE

Scott Stanley will include analysis of this book, "Alone Together" by Paul
Amato and Stacy Rodgers in his keynote Fri morning "The Paradox of
Sacrifice" in which he'll update us on the latest marital research and what
it means we might want to update in our marriage education approaches.  This
is a "do not miss session".   Fri, 8:30am, Denver, Adam's Mark Plaza
ballroom.  I spent an hour with Scott on phone yesterday and can tell you if
you miss this one, you'll want to order the recording. I'll tell you how in
July. 
- diane 

Working wives enjoy lasting marriages, studies show
By Frank Greve - McClatchy Newspapers
23 May 2007

Washington ‹ The marriages of women who work outside the home are more
likely to stay together than the marriages of those who don¹t, according to
new studies.

The findings offer guilt relief for some of the 67 million married U.S.
working women and reflect a growing equity among couples when it comes to
income, decision-making, parenting and housekeeping. And if working wives
promote stability at home, the trend is likely to buttress arguments for
more paid paternal leave and more help with child care.

That the centuries-old view of a woman¹s place is being liberalized seems
overdue to some. ³It¹s good in so many ways, but let¹s move on,² said Penn
State sociologist Stacy Rogers, co-author of the book ³Alone Together: How
Marriage in America Is Changing.²

Sociologists from 1980 onward struggled for clarity in a fast-changing
domestic world of rising marriage ages, more cohabitation and rising incomes
for women. Also confounding them was the endless range of domestic effects
based on whether a wife wanted to work or had to.

In the end, time simplified the picture. More wives worked and made more
money. More husbands appreciated it. More families adapted. That¹s the gist
of Rogers¹ new book comparing the attitudes of married couples in 1980 with
those in 2000.

The main shift was away from traditional breadwinner-homemaker marriages to
what the authors call ³egalitarian marriages.² In them, husbands and wives
share decision-making power more equally and housekeeping and child-care
duties more equitably. Such alliances increased from 1980 to 2000, based on
the book¹s nationally representative sample of 1,000 couples. They also were
happier than traditional marriages.

Wives¹ contribution to family income rose sharply during the 20-year span,
too, from 21 percent to 32 percent. They also generally did less housework,
while husbands did more. Grumbling about unfairness shifted accordingly, the
study found. The shift to more equitable housework may have helped marital
stability, however, because wives initiate about two-thirds of U.S.
Divorces.

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- FAST TRACK

I answer dozens of questions like this one a day. I'm sharing this one to
help those of you that are still helping encourage people to try to get to
Denver.  We have plenty of overflow space at the Comfort Inn and Hyatt at
the same amazing rate of only $109 a night.  And, the Adam's Mark just gave
us an additional ballroom, so we'll be able to move sessions around and fit
everyone in.  Register by June 5th and be guaranteed all your first choices.

> Hello Ms. Diane, 
> I have been a frequent visitor of your website and love it.  Are you familiar
> with any program which would allow both my husband and I (Ministers) to be
> certified "fast track"?
> Tasha Jones 
> Atlanta, Georgia 

What a shame you missed the conference when we were in Atlanta last June.
This year we're in Denver.  Maybe you can make it.  If so, you could be
certified "fast track" in several marriage education programs.  See those
presented as full-day or two or three day instructor training sessions at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html

It's a great advantage to be trained in-person by the program founders.  But
if that won't work for you, explore the "teach right out of the box"
curricula. These will also be taught/reviewed in Denver by the program
founders in 90 min sessions. If you can't make it to Denver, you can just
order the kits and "open the box" and teach.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/toobs.html

In Denver, you could EACGH take a pre and a post Institute and could each
fit in seven 'teach out of the box' workshops. This would let the two of you
sample 32 different programs in one stop to help you decide which to use in
your marriage ministry. You'd be able to review even more programs and
marriage-strengthening resources in the 100+ exhibits. And, you'd also have
the advantage of networking with over 2,000+ marriage educators to gain tips
and insights on how to market and retain couples - how to work with your
community, get funding, etc.  It's a total immersion experience.

For help in sorting things out, visit the "tracks" page at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/conference.tracks.html

Download a brochure at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.07.pdf

- diane 

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- STAYING TOGETHER AFTER INFIDELITY

Here is a column by Mike McManus who will present several times in Denver
(2-day training institute, 2 workshops, morning Community Marriage Policy
roundtables, exhibit) about another conference presenter, Stephen Judah:

> 608 - Sunday, July 1
> Staying Together When Affairs Pull You Apart
> Stephen Judah, PhD
> 21 steps facilitate resolution through revelation, crisis, realignment,
> rebuilding, and flourishing using skill-building for character development,
> communication, conflict resolution, and calling.

> 313 - Fri, June 29
> Marriage Savers for Cohabiting Couples
> Mike and Harriet McManus
> Half of couples live together before marriage. This faith-based marriage prep
> model uses mentors & the FOCCUS inventory to improve these couples¹ odds.
> Adaptations for low-income, out-of-wedlock parents.

> 613 - Sunday, July 1
> Community Marriage Policies (CMPs)
> Mike and Harriet McManus
> Learn how to organize a CMP in your area by creating Marriage Saver
> Congregations that recruit and train Mentor Couples that can cut divorce rates
> to near zero.

McManus - Ethics & Religion
May 23, 2007
Advance for May 25, 2007
³Staying Together² After Infidelity
by Mike McManus

Adultery is grounds for divorce.  But it is not a reason to divorce.

Infidelity, however, is a great evil which 91 percent of Americans consider
wrong according to a Gallup Poll. Two of the Ten Commandments are about the
issue:

- You shall not commit adultery.

- You shall not covet your neighbor¹s wife.

Yet various studies suggest that over a lifetime perhaps half of all
marriages have been broken by an affair by the husband, wife or both.

The question is how can a couple rebuild their marriage after infidelity?

Dr. Stephen Judah, a psychologist who has counseled more than 1,000 patients
whose marriages were shaken by adultery, helped 87 percent save their
marriage. He¹s written a book with answers, ³Staying Together: When an
Affair Pulls You Apart.²

He says the first essential step is for the offending spouse to reveal the
affair, getting credit for being honest after a period of dishonesty: ³If
the offending spouse doesn¹t disclose it, then the offended spouse must
discover it, which exacerbates the offense.² Better to take a step toward
healing than to be discovered via suspicious credit charges, odd e-mails or
a friend.

The disclosure is best be revealed in a controlled setting, with a therapist
committed to helping heal the relationship. He/She can coach the offending
spouse on what details are to be shared or withheld, who also helps each to
restore hope, increasing their odds of success.

Judah outlines five ³essential disciplines² that are steps to recovery:
SHARE, RECONCILE, REFINE, ENHANCE and ENVISION.

SHARE¹s goal is to understand and be understood. Each person takes turns as
a presenter  sharing stories while the other is an empowerer, an active
listener who summarizes what they have heard. ³The offended spouse needs to
be empowered to present their feelings.² How? The offending spouse must
listen without defending, and speak without offending. Each spouse must take
responsibility and confess their part of the problem. Deep communication is
crucial.

The RECONCILE phase transforms the negative into the positive by seeking
solutions rather than polarizing arguments. Disclosing adultery causes
wounds and trauma for both partners. However, the couple should continue
living together to heal, save money and minimize  disruption. Children who
wonder why mom is crying, should be told, ³Your father and I are working
through an adult problem,² without revealing it.

³The key involves converting broken, negative, spontaneous thoughts into
whole, positive and life-giving thoughts which give the benefit of doubt,²
Judah writes. An example:

³Broken: My partner had sex with another person.

³Whole: If we can figure out what pushed or pulled my partner into an
affair, our own relationship may become more intimate.²

REFINE: One¹s primary obligation is to one¹s spouse, not to the third party.
A major effort should be made to reconcile, seeing it through ³till it mends
or ends.²

Some adulterers have difficulty choosing between an emotional bond with a
third party and the weaker bond with a spouse. Judah helps such people
refine their thinking about their character. Do they think of themselves as
honest or dishonest, faithful or unfaithful, a promise keeper or promise
breaker? Besides, he warns them, second and third marriages are more likely
to end in divorce. 

A key step to ending the relationship with a third party is a ³jointly
written closure letter² that says, ³I¹ve decided to pursue reconciliation
with my spouse and plan on being successful. I will not be initiating any
contact with you and request that you not attempt to contact me.²

Unfortunately, some form of relapse is likely. Even so, both spouses need to
focus on and praise the best characteristics of each other. Never mention
negative traits.

ENHANCE: Out of infidelity can come a better marriage.  If a couple once
loved each other, they can experience love again. Scripture describes love
as a decision: ³Love is patient and kind,² Paul wrote. Are you naturally
patient, or is it an act of the will?  Judah writes, ³Be strong and
independent, and simultaneously sensitive and sacrificial.²

Judah, director of the Columbus (OH) Marriage Coalition, notes that most
people receive more driver¹s training than marriage training, recommends
marriage mentoring and education to improve communication.  Learn to give
your spouse five compliments for every complaint.

ENVISION: He asks couples, ³If a miracle happened and you could create the
future you desire, what would it look like?² Each spouse should help the
other to achieve a ³life of significance.² When husband and wife share
common goals, they should be pursued together, building a new, healthier
marriage.

If a divorce is agreed upon, hire mediators, not lawyers, to work it out,
always with the hope of reconciliation.

Copyright © 2007 Michael J. McManus

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11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
Download a brochure: http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.07.pdf


List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

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