Movie VOTE | Degrees | Illinois | Mississippi | Working Moms & Dads | Home Renovation - 5/07

[Smartmarriages]

- AWAY FROM HER 
- MARRIAGES BY DEGREES
- ILLINOIS: ANOTHER STATE THAT HAS IT BACKWARDS
- MISSISSIPPI: GETTING FOCUSED
- WORKING MOMS AND DADS: FOCUS NEEDS TO BE ON MARRIAGE
- HOME RENOVATION CAN TEST A MARRIAGE

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- AWAY FROM HER 

> Diane, "Away From Her", just released is the best film I've seen about
> marriage in a long while. Very powerful ­ and extraordinary that it
> was written and directed by a 33 year old Canadian wife who made it
> because she thought mature marriages were more interesting than young,
> new marriages.  And of course Julie Christie is, as always quite fabulous.
> Go see it!
> Theodora Ooms
> Couples and Marriage Policy Consultant

I took Theo's advice and saw it last night and was blown away.  This one may
deserve a Smart Marriages Impact Award. Send your votes - pro or con with
any comments that we can use in an award presentation should we decide this
one is deserving.  We've only given one such "marriage movie" award back in
1999 to "The Story of Us".  Other nominees ("Family Man" and "The Notebook")
didn't quite make it, though they probably should have. (This coalition is
picky, picky and we may need to move from consensus to majority rule!)  The
power of the award comes in selecting a film when it is released - in the
first year.  So, let's hear from you.  Perhaps we can decide in time for
this year's Denver conference - but that only gives us a month.
- diane 

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- MARRIAGES BY DEGREES
StatsCan finds education a matchmaker for an increasing number of North
Americans 
By LAURA CZEKAJ, SUN MEDIA
MAY 19, 2007 

With the proliferation of couples of similar educational backgrounds coming
together in marriage, the exchange of wedding vows could easily be adapted
to include: "I do -- have a master's degree."

Martha Attridge Bufton is an internal communications editor at Carleton
University and her husband Ian Bufton is a City of Ottawa firefighter. While
their jobs are worlds apart, the couple say their educations have given them
a common ground. 

A Statistics Canada study has revealed that the number of men and women with
similar academic honours getting hitched has increased in both Canada and
the United States over the past three decades, according to census data.

Although they didn't meet in university, Martha Attridge Bufton and Ian
Bufton found that their individual pursuits of higher education have given
them a common ground and a level of understanding over the course of their
25-year relationship.

Attridge Bufton is the editor of internal communications with Carleton
University and has a bachelor's in business administration from Simon Fraser
University. She is also a part-time MA student in the history program at
Carleton.

PROOFREAD WORK

Her husband has a bachelor of arts degree from Carleton and is a firefighter
with Ottawa Fire Services.

"I always sort of wondered if it's a question of education or not," she
said. "I certainly think that having somebody who you can talk things over
with and who gets it, whether that's intelligence or education or life
experience, is just enormously important."

Attridge Bufton even asks her hubby to proof-read her work on occasion.

"Certainly, to have somebody who can really relate to that and understand it
and be helpful around it is just enormously important," she said. "In many
respects, we are very different. Politically, I vote NDP and he votes
Conservative. I mean how different can you get right?"

A university degree doesn't always mean two people are going to be
compatible. But Ian Bufton said in his case it was an added bonus.

"I think that background did help because I realized that she was a very
intelligent lady as well," he said.

The study focused on data from 1971 to 2001 and found that in Canada, 54% of
couples younger than 35 had the same level of education in 2001, compared to
42% in 1971. In the U.S., 55% of marriages among young adults were between
couples with the same level of education in 2000, up from 49% in 1970.

The report found that the rise in these meeting of the minds in marriage is
largely to do with the fact that men and women are actively choosing
partnerships with matching wits.

An additional factor has been the increase in women obtaining post-secondary
education.

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- ILLINOIS: ANOTHER STATE THAT HAS IT BACKWARDS

Marriage may cost more
By John Patterson
Daily Herald State Government Editor
Saturday, May 19, 2007

((Auuuugh. Here is another state, ILLINOIS, getting it backwards with
ridiculous legislation that would increase marriage license fees to fund
domestic violence programs.  That is wrong-headed and misguided and sends an
unfortunate and just plain WRONG message about marriage. Marriage IS a
domestic violence prevention program. Married women are least likely to
be victims of domestic violence. Cohabiting women are the #1 victims of
domestic violence. That is also true for children - they are safest in
intact first marriages, safer from both physical and sexual abuse.  If we're
going to tap marriage license fees, that money should pay for MARRIAGE
EDUCATION Classes to help marriages stay healthy, stable and intact.  Again,
this is why it's so important to give credit to TEXAS where they got it
right.  They're using a differential in marriage license fees to provide and
incentive to couples to take an 8-hr marriage education class. And, it's not
just the money, it's the message. Attaching "getting married" to domestic
violence is misleading. If you live in Illinois, state of the infamous "Life
is Short, Get a Divorce" billboard, do something. Call someone. - diane  ))


SPRINGFIELD ‹ Getting married in Illinois could become more expensive as
lawmakers try to come up with money for domestic violence prevention
programs.

The Illinois Senate voted Friday to add $5 to the cost of a marriage
license, which now ranges from $15 to $30 across the suburbs. The added
charge is expected to raise more than $400,000 a year. There were 82,889
marriages in Illinois in 2003, the latest year for which records are
available.

Supporters said it was a minimal expense to pay for vital programs that have
struggled to find consistent funding within the state budget.

³We¹re not talking about a big tax,² said state Sen. Carol Ronen, a Chicago
Democrat.

Critics questioned the message being sent.

For instance, state Sen. Chris Lauzen, an Aurora Republican, argued the
state was, in effect, charging new couples more because of other couples¹
relationships gone bad.

Still others said lawmakers were making marriage too expensive.

But state Sen. John Cullerton, a Chicago Democrat who supported the
increase, shrugged off such opposition, saying if an added $5 for a marriage
license makes someone rethink the commitment, ³maybe that¹s a marriage you
shouldn¹t enter into in the first place.²

The proposal, sponsored by state Sen. Kwame Raoul, a Chicago Democrat, was
approved 36-17 and now goes to the House for consideration.

In Cook and DuPage counties, a marriage license now costs $30. McHenry
County charges $25, Will County charges $23, Kane County charges $18 and
Lake County charges $15.

A marriage license would cost $5 more under a plan the state Senate approved
36-17. The money would finance domestic violence prevention programs.

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- MISSISSIPPI: GETTING FOCUSED


Local churches provide aid to couples before marriage
# DIVORCE Rate well above the national average, up from 1970 levels

Though Mississippi lags behind most states in health, education and wealth,
it exceeds the national average in a contest it would rather not: divorce.

"It seems to be getting worse," said the Rev. Henry Murphy, pastor of
equipping at New Horizon Church International in Jackson. "I really think
that if marriages are really going to change, we're going to have to start
speaking to young adults at 16 and 17 years old." . . .

. . . Though the state divorce rate is down since it peaked at 5.5 in 1980
and 1990, marriage advocates say that drop doesn't necessarily signal good
news.

"Part of the reason numbers are going down is because people aren't
marrying. They're cohabiting," said the Rev. Jarvis Ward, a national
facilitator for Mission America and a leader of the Central Mississippi
Marriage Covenant movement. "They generally don't have stable families and
generally don't stay together."

To help strengthen marriages, Ward and a group of some 200 metro-area
pastors formed a pact in 1996 to set minimum standards for couples who marry
in the church.

Since that time, many churches have established or beefed up existing
marriage preparation programs by requiring couples to take part in
premarital counseling, workshops and support groups.
            
In the decade since the churches adopted the covenant's reforms, divorces in
Hinds County - where 70 percent of the churches signing the covenant are
located - dropped by nearly two thirds, from 10 per 1,000 people to 3.7.

Still, other ministers said they're encountering a growing number of
unmarried couples living together.

"We are reaching the unchurched who are coming to us already living
together," said the Rev. Jerry Welch, pastor of education at Colonial
Heights Baptist Church in Ridgeland. "They don't realize it's an issue."

In one case, he said a groom-to-be moved into a tent in the couple's back
yard for several weeks before his wedding.

"We say even if they made mistakes in the past, they can start clean from
today," Welch said.

Colonial Heights also offers ongoing support for married couples.

Member Leanna Lott and her husband of nine years teach the church's newlywed
class with a couple who have been married for more than three decades.

"We get into issues before they become issues," Lott said, adding the class
focuses on the biblical principals of marriage. "We talk about in-laws
before in-laws get on your nerves."

The class also helps create a support network for busy couples who may at
times need reminding that marriages need to be nurtured, Lott said.

"Marriage is a wonderful thing," she said. "It's a gift."

At New Horizon, which signed the Mississippi Marriage Covenant, engaged
couples are required to undergo an interview with the senior pastor,
compatibility testing and 16 weeks of premarital counseling. The church also
offers a small group study for married couples called "Intimate Encounters."

Member LaKitshia Griffin, who leads the church's marriage ministry, said the
class helps couples get rid of the emotional baggage they bring into
relationships.

"Me and my husband dealt with childhood hurts, my being previously divorced,
the challenges of blended families," she said about her husband of 12 years.

"In my second marriage, one thing I vowed is we're going to make this
covenant agreement and we're going to stick with it. Divorce would not be an
option for us."

Full article: 
http://www.clarionledger.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070519/NEWS/705190
358/1001

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- WORKING MOMS AND DADS: FOCUS NEEDS TO BE ON MARRIAGE

John Rosemond: Focus needs to be on the marriage

I recently conducted a two-day seminar with a relatively large audience at a
church somewhere in America. Before the start of the second session, a
fellow told me that his wife refused to come back with him. She was upset,
he said, because she had come to the conclusion that I was unsympathetic to
mothers who work outside the home, of which she is one.

I wanted to talk with her to try to help her to better understand my
message. That wasn't possible, so I'm hoping she reads this column.

Am I unsympathetic to working mothers? I don't know why I would be, given
that my mother often worked outside the home while I was growing up, and I
did not suffer from the arrangement. On that basis, I also understand that
the difference between the working mother of 50 years ago and today's
working mom is guilt.

Too many of the latter come home feeling that their absence from their
children has created a psychological deficit that can only be made up for by
putting their kids at the center of their attention when they are at home
and dancing as fast as they can in their lives.

Today's mother, whether she works or not, has lost sight of the fact that
the best thing she can possibly do for her children is be a good wife.
Likewise, today's dads have lost sight of the fact that the noblest thing a
man can do in his life is be a good husband. A symptom of the former is moms
who sleep with their kids, convinced that this promotes bonding and prevents
attachment disorder. A symptom of the latter is dads who come home to play
with their children.

"Why do you do that?" I recently asked one of these child-obsessed dads. He
pointed out that his kids hadn't seen him all day, to which I pointed out
that his wife had not seen him all day either. He told me that had not
occurred to him.

Likewise, the single-parent family's strength depends on a single parent who
has a variety of interests outside of her responsibilities to the children.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his Web site
at www.rosemond.com.

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- HOME RENOVATION CAN TEST A MARRIAGE
http://tinyurl.com/2276rg


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