Infidelity Resources | Field Notes | Pondering the Divorce Stats - 5/17/07

[Smartmarriages]

- INFIDELITY RESOURCES
- PROGRESS REPORT FROM THE FIELD
- PONDERING THE DIVORCE RATE

################################

- INFIDELITY RESOURCES

Here is a Q & A from Sue Shellenbarger's Work & Family Mailbox column in
today's Wall Street Journal that includes both the BAN and Retrouvaille
websites.  Both will present workshops and Exhibit in Denver.  If there are
not BAN and Retrouvaille chapters in your community, please take some time
in Denver to explore starting one.  They're mentor-run and are tremendous
tools in turning around the divorce rate in your community.  - diane

> 512- Sat afternoon
> Retrouvaille: No Such Thing as A Hopeless Case
> Armando and Margie Martinez
> Restore even the most troubled marriages with this 3-month program in which
> those who have "been to the brink" teach others how to heal. Learn how to
> create a program in your community.

> 808- Sunday afternoon 3-4:30pm
> Beyond Affairs: Prevention and Recovery
> Anne and Brian Bercht
> Learn the steps to not only recover from infidelity, but to make your marriage
> even stronger, from a couple that¹s been successful. Also, learn how to give
> back by leading BAN recovery support groups in your community.


>From Work and Family Wall St Jrnl, 5/17/07

> Q: I've read your coverage of the marital stresses faced by couples who must
> live apart because of work. My husband is in the armed forces and has been
> sent overseas for long periods. If one partner does have an affair, are there
> resources to help the marriage survive and recover?
> -- J.W., Houston
> 
> A: The first step is to try to reach an agreement on allowing a specific
> amount of time to try to work things out before making any decisions about
> separation or divorce, says Diane Sollee, a marriage and family therapist and
> founder of SmartMarriages.com, a marriage-education Web site. An organization
> called Beyond Affairs Network (www.beyondaffairs.com) runs support groups with
> separate meetings for individual spouses. A program called Retrouvaille
> (www.retrouvaille.org) has a good success rate in helping couples in deeply
> troubled marriages. The program consists of a one-weekend retreat plus several
> weeks of brief follow-up sessions. Meanwhile, some good resources for healing
> the wounds can be found at www.smartmarriages.com, by clicking on "Infidelity
> -- You Can Recover."
> 
> Many couples do recover from infidelity, and some say their marriages are
> stronger for it, Ms. Sollee says. An important predictor of a marriage's
> survival chances under these circumstances is the amount of empathy and
> understanding the unfaithful partner can show for the betrayed spouse over the
> distrust, hurt and anger he or she is experiencing.
> 
> Mindful of a high divorce rate, some branches of the armed forces have
> sponsored marriage-strengthening programs for soldiers and their spouses. The
> chaplain or family-services staff at many military bases can offer support and
> resources.

Personal Journal Update
<http://online.wsj.com/article/SB117936443165505691.html?mod=googlenews_wsj>
Wall Street Journal - USA

############################
- PROGRESS REPORT FROM THE FIELD

Because it's fun to read how others do it, here is a report from Ken and
Irma Morris (California) that came by way of David and Claudia Arp who are
in Austria teaching 10 Great Dates.  10 Great Dates will be presented in
several workshops in Denver and will include 10 Great Dates for Black
Couples and the launch of 10 Great Dates for Latino Couples.

> Diane, Here is an Email from Ken and Irma Morris [kimorris3 at gmail.com]
> founders of Relationship Skills Unlimited in Orange County. They are working
> to launch 10 Great Dates community wide with the support of the community
> leaders! They live in is Westminster, CA which has approximately 25,000
> married couples. Ken says, ³I figure if we could reach just 10% of these, we
> certainly would have our hands full- that would be 2,500 couples.
> 
> From: Ken Morris [mailto: kimorris3 at gmail.com]
> 
> To: arps at marriagealive.com
> Subject: Re: Community Marriage Initiative
> 
> 
>> This week we met with the Community Services' director here in our city. This
>> is the gentleman that the Mayor had referred us to. Now, picture this, the
>> night before I spent hours preparing a seven-page presentation, some of the
>> stuff you sent to me. We had put together a Community Marriage Initiative 10
>> Great Dates Proposal which included location, set up dates, advertising,
>> restaurant sponsorship, etc.
>> 
>> I got about half way through the proposal and he said," You don't have to
>> sell 
>> me anymore" Lets get it going!  I felt like saying, ³Wait, I still have seven
>> more pages. I spent hours putting together. But I didn't!  Our city has a
>> Quarterly Magazine that is sent out to all homes. He said, ³Let¹s get the
>> class listed in the summer magazine. So we now have the city behind us in the
>> endeavor. The city will also give us a large room to use for the couples¹
>> date 
>> launches.
>> 
>> I am going to go to restaurants and see if they wish to be a sponsoring
>> business. Will they give us $25 to $30 gift certificates? We will have a
>> drawing each date night and hopefully will give away 3 or 4 free date night
>> meals. For the restaurants that sponsor 10 Great Dates, we will design a
>> professional sign that they can put in their front window, showing that they
>> are taking part in the community-wide 10 Great Dates. I want to get these
>> signs up about 3 to 4 weeks before the first date. On the signs we will have
>> all the info and our names, contact information including our phone number so
>> at the same time it will be free advertising for us.
>> We feel that God has opened the door on this project, and we are running
>> through it!
>> 
>> OK, since you two are the pros.......any ideas?
>> 
>> Ken and Irma

>> Yes, also ask the restaurant managers to give deals to the couples who show
>> their dating exercise ‹ like 15% off their total bill, or buy one entrée, get
>> the second one half-price or free or a free desert, etc. - David and Claudia

########################

- PONDERING THE DIVORCE RATE

What Makes Marriage Work
Gopusa.com
By Rabbi Shea Hecht
May 17, 2007

The title of a recent AP article really made me happy. The title "U.S.
Divorce Rate at Lowest Level Since 1970" seemed like great news.

But the euphoria lasted only one moment, because as I read further I
realized that the marriage rate is down and therefore the divorce rates are
down. This title only reflects divorces, not couples who live together
without the benefit of marriage who then decide to live separately. In fact,
not only are more couples breaking commitments, but many more are even
afraid to make a commitment. Therefore, the title of the article does not
necessarily reflect good news, but bad.

The article quoted many different reasons for this drop in divorces such as
pre-marital counseling, more openness towards counseling, more classes
available to couples with issues, couples marrying later in life and a
greater trend towards couples working out their differences instead of
divorcing.

Though the report is inconclusive and the experts can't agree on the reasons
for this drop in divorces, many of the reasons cited have merit and are
worth studying.

Some experts say relationships are as unstable as ever - and divorces are
down primarily because more couples live together without marrying..

Obviously, if this is the reason that divorces are down the study is not
positive. Relationships without marriage are nothing to brag about.

Moreover, living together without the benefit of marriage can be harmful for
the children as well since the relationship is not a committed one and
therefore lacks stability and is more prone to break-up. For the children of
such unions when the couple breaks up there may as well be a divorce. The
lack of official papers does nothing to make a split easier on the kids.

.. and Americans are waiting about five years longer to marry than they did
in 1970.

People are getting married older because the professionals say that we have
a better understanding of what we want in life the older we are. I'm not
sure I understand this reasoning at all.

18 year olds make life-long and life altering decisions which affect the
direction their life will take. Most obvious is their choice of profession.
18 year olds CAN give it thought and make a decision and stick to it.

A good marriage lasts if the couple has the proper attitude and real
commitment to make the union work. These two traits do not necessarily have
anything to do with age. People who marry young, with the right attitude and
make a commitment to stay together no matter what, generally grow together
and stay together.

Other researchers have documented what they call "the divorce divide,"
contending that divorce rates are indeed falling substantively among
college-educated couples but not among less-affluent, less-educated couples.

Some of the differences within a relationship are simply because of the
differences between men and women. There are divorces that do come about
because of ignorance of these differences. People don't realize that with a
little education marriage can work. Classes, Rabbis, clergy, counselors and
mediators are readily available for anyone who seeks help.

Other experts, however, are heartened by what they view as the increased
determination of many couples to make marriage work .. through programs like
marriage-strengthening programs.

People get married without any formal education about marriage and
relationships. That was good enough many years ago when people lived in a
house with one parent home all day and then married and lived close to their
parents. They learned about marriage from their parents. Today many children
don't see their parents that often because both parents are working and they
live far away from their parents once they marry. Many young couples today
have no role models and could use additional marriage education.

People who've attended marriage workshops said the classes gave them some
insight into how to regenerate the closeness they had when they got married.

Many therapists tell couples in marriage counseling that they should take a
two week break from the intimacy of their marriage. They say this will help
refresh the marriage. People that marry and live by Torah laws are given the
opportunity to do just this. Because of the laws of Taharas Hamishpachah
(family purity) a husband and wife may not be intimate for the 12 days
following the onset of a woman's menstrual period. This two week break
allows for the couple to communicate on every level besides an intimate one.
When the two weeks end and the couple resume the intimate part of their
relationship the marriage feels renewed.

Furthermore, couples must recognize that they need shared time and time
spent alone working on their own projects.

Gaetano Ferro of New Canaan, Conn., president of the American Academy of
Matrimonial Lawyers, says overall national trends haven't had a noticeable
effect on his fellow divorce lawyers.

"I've been active in the academy two decades plus," Ferro said. "I've never
heard anyone say, 'We're in trouble. There are fewer divorces."'

So in the end, we really can't be sure what is working to make the divorce
rate drop, if anything is working at all. The one thing that is definite is
that marriage is hard work.

The suggestions of the professionals to take courses and become more aware
of what we're getting into should be implemented. The more work we put into
our relationship the more we'll see out of it. The most important thing is
for each couple to hold their marriage as sacred, work on it and do what it
takes to stay together.
----------
Shea Hecht is a Rabbi and activist in the Jewish community. More than a
decade ago, he rose to national prominence as a community leader during the
Crown Heights riots in New York. As a result, he received numerous awards by
both government and private organizations for his work in fostering racial
harmony. Shea was a member of Mayor Giuliani's task force on
police/community relations.

**************************
Send submissions and comments for the listserv to: diane at smartmarriages.com
Do NOT hit "reply". If you hit reply your email will go into cyberspace and
NO ONE will see your email.

This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee,
editor. Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.
PLEASE include your email address or url as part of your signature.

Please also understand that with thousands of subscribers, not all comments
can be shared. Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily
shared by members of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the
column under the puzzle piece.

To read past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/

11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
Download a brochure: http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.07.pdf


List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.