Texas Legislation | Smart Girls | Divorce Busting Award - 5/16/07

Wed May 16 16:21:46 EDT 2007

- TEXAS MARRIAGE EDUCATION LEGISLATION ON GOVERNOR'S DESK
- SMART GIRLS DON'T COHABIT
- DIVORCE BUSTER
- AND, IN HER OWN WORDS: WHERE WERE YOU?
- FOUR CHANCES TO SEE HER IN PERSON
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- TEXAS MARRIAGE EDUCATION LEGISLATION ON GOVERNOR'S DESK

Texas House Raises Marriage Fee For 'Healthier Marriages'
AP
May 16, 2007

AUSTIN, Texas -- The Texas marriage license fee will would increase from $30
to $60 but would be waived for couples who take a premarital education
course under a proposal the Legislature passed Tuesday, sending it next to
Gov. Rick Perry.

The measure by Rep. Warren Chisum, a Pampa Republican, also would waive the
state's 72-hour marriage waiting period for couples who participate in the
course.

The House agreed Tuesday to changes the Senate made to the bill. The major
change was upping the license fee to $60, a move that had previously been
batted down in the House. Critics had complained that amounted to a marriage
tax on couples who choose not to enroll in the premarital course.
Click here to find out more!

Chisum said an increasing divorce rate is "wrecking this country."

"Our intent is to have healthy marriages," Chisum said. "It's now going to
cost $60 to get married if you don't take this course."

The bill calls for an eight-hour course to cover such topics as conflict
management and communication skills.

Copyright 2007 by The Associated Press

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- SMART GIRLS DON'T COHABIT

> Dear Diane,  
> Interesting blurb in the Life Section of USA Today, May 15, 2007, making a
> strong case for the idea that higher education may significantly reduce
> out-of-wedlock births. While 53% of women with a high school diploma gave
> birth outside marriage, only 7% of women with a college degree or higher gave
> birth outside marriage!
> 
> Below is the full text (no by-line):
> 
> - - - - -
> Cohabiting birth rate reaches a record high
> The percentage of births to unmarried cohabiting couples is at an all-time
> high, says a study released Monday by the research center Child Trends. The
> group found that 52% of births to unmarried women in 2001 occurred within a
> live-in relationship. The report is based on 2001 federal data, the most
> recent available. The study also found that highly educated women are much
> less likely to give birth outside marriage: 7% of women with a college degree
> or higher gave birth outside marriage, compared with 53% of women with a high
> school diploma. 
> - - - - -
> Peggy Vaughan
> peggy at dearpeggy.com

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- DIVORCE BUSTER

By Cheryl Wetzstein
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
May 15, 2007

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore."

"We got married for all the wrong reasons."

"I'm not attracted to you anymore."

"Why can't you admit that we just made a mistake?"

"I never really loved you in the first place."

"It's time to tell the kids it's over."

"Does any of this sound familiar? If so, my heart goes out to you," Michele
Weiner-Davis writes in her 2001 book, "The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step
Program for Saving Your Marriage."

But Mrs. Weiner-Davis, who will receive The Washington Times' Founding
Spirit Award at the newspaper's 25th anniversary gala Thursday, is not ready
to let statements like these be a marital death sentence for couples.

Mrs. Weiner-Davis is into combating divorce: She has written six books,
three of which are about saving marriages -- including "sex-starved" ones --
and counseled thousands of distressed couples.

Her core message is that even the most damaged marriages often can be
revitalized and there are solution-oriented strategies to recover from
severe problems such as infidelity, Internet obsessions, depression, sexual
problems and midlife crises.

The vast majority of troubled marriages can become happy, says Mrs.
Weiner-Davis, married for 30 years. Although not every marriage can or
should be saved, she says, as many as 80 percent to 85 percent of the people
she sees "are able to turn it around."

"In my mind," she says, "all problems are solvable until proven otherwise."

Mrs. Weiner-Davis' message has been called an antidote to America's
divorce-prone culture.

Between the 1940s and early 1970s, America's divorce rate was relatively
low, ranging between 2.0 and 2.9 divorces per 1,000 population. But it began
rising in 1969 and peaked in 1981 with 5.3 divorces per 1,000 population.

Since then, the divorce rate has fallen slowly and by 2005 was at 3.6
divorces per 1,000 population, near the 1970 level.

The declining divorce rate is partly the result of a lower marriage rate.
But it also means that the save-your-marriage message is catching on: The
federal government now estimates that 43 percent -- not half -- of first
marriages are expected to end in separation or divorce within 15 years.

Research also suggests that divorce is less likely for couples who attended
college, married in their mid-20s, had their first child after marrying,
have a religious affiliation and grew up with parents who didn't divorce.

Mrs. Weiner-Davis says that years ago, when she was beginning her career as
a licensed marriage therapist and relationship counselor, she thought like
many others that "if people were unhappy in their marriages, they should
just get out."

"After all, I told myself, life is short and we all have the right to be
happy," she wrote in "Divorce Remedy." "But I soon learned the truth about
divorce. It doesn't necessarily bring happiness. In fact, in most cases,
divorce creates more problems than it solves."

"Once I figured this out and truly took it to heart," she writes, "I stopped
being neutral about the benefits of working things out."

In 1992, Mrs. Weiner-Davis, who is also the mother of two, wrote "Divorce
Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again" and
created the trademarked "Divorce Busting" program.

Her strategies are clear, practical and heavy on "time, practice and
patience." Repairing a marriage is "hard work," she writes. "The hardest
parts of this program are not the skills you will learn -- they are
amazingly simple -- it's the application of those skills." Emotions will
"ambush you" from time to time, she warns, but in time, couples can learn to
"manage their intense feelings" and stop letting their negative feelings
"have a life of their own."

In 2003, Mrs. Weiner-Davis tackled the problem of marital sex with her book,
"The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide for Boosting Their Marriage
Libido."

"It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with
problems associated with mismatched sexual desire," she writes. "I can tell
you without a shadow of a doubt that a marriage void of sexuality and
intimacy is a marriage doomed to fail."

She reviews physiological and psychological factors, as well as unresolved
relationship issues as underlying issues in a sex-starved union, and offers
pragmatic suggestions on how couples can rebuild a loving relationship. "For
couples struggling with sexual problems, and most do so from time to time,
this is the first book I recommend," marriage researcher Howard J. Markman,
co-author of "Fighting for Your Marriage," wrote of Mrs. Weiner-Davis' 2003
book.

Her seventh book, called "The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost
Desire," is due out in January.

Mrs. Weiner-Davis, whose offices are in Boulder, Colo., and Woodstock, Ill.,
is a popular public speaker and will appear next month at the Smart
Marriages conference, sponsored by the Coalition for Marriage, Family and
Couples Education, in Denver. Her work has been featured in dozens of media
outlets and she has received the American Association of Marriage and
Therapy's "Outstanding Contribution to the Field of Marriage and Therapy"
award and Smart Marriages "Impact" award.

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- AND, IN HER OWN WORDS: WHERE WERE YOU?

I'm going to pass along a recent article from Michele's Divorce Busting
website that several of you sent me with favorable reviews.

> Where Were You When I Needed You?
> Another Divorce Busting Tip
> 
> Although I usually write about things you can do to keep a marriage on track,
> this newsletter contains a tip of what to avoid doing. I have seen this
> pattern so often in couples attending a two-day intensive with me that I want
> to get the word out- ³Don¹t do this!²
> 
> What I¹ve heard a lot from spouses considering leaving their marriages is,
> ³Where were you when I needed you?² People often ask this question of their
> partners when, in the past, they have had some kind of health issue and felt
> their partners weren¹t supportive. They had frightening diagnoses or surgery
> and felt very much alone because their partners weren¹t by their sides or
> weren¹t involved in negotiating through the medical world to find the best
> treatment or to demand better treatment when things went awry. Getting sick or
> requiring medical attention is one time that we become very much aware that
> illness no one feels what we feel physically or emotionally. But- and this is
> a but- this existential loneliness can be made better by having loved ones who
> are nurturing and who plant themselves near you to hold your hand emotionally
> and if needed, physically. When this doesn¹t happen, when one¹s spouse doesn¹t
> seem to ³get² the significance of what¹s happening, the hurt, anger and
> resentment are often monumental.
> 
> Keep in mind, health issues aren¹t the only reason a spouse may wonder, ³Where
> were you when I needed you?² The importance of ³getting it² is also essential
> when it comes to other life-altering events such as the death of a parent or
> other loved ones, a miscarriage or any major disappointment.
> 
> Having said all this, the truth is, sometimes it¹s hard to know when you are
> letting your spouse down. Too many people expect others to be mind readers and
> say nothing when they need more emotional support. Rather than risk asking for
> what they need, they keep their thoughts to themselves and feel abandoned and
> hold grudges. Unfortunately, many people are excellent grudeholders; they can
> do it for years. 
> 
> If you are someone who has mistakenly been oblivious to your spouse¹s needs in
> the past, don¹t beat yourself up for it. We can¹t change the past. But one
> thing is for sure. You can certainly make better decisions about your future.
> You need to pay close attention to what is important to your spouse. Even if
> you think you wouldn¹t require similar support, that¹s irrelevant. It¹s what
> your spouse thinks and feels that matters. You have to show your love and
> caring when your spouse needs you, not when you feel like it. When you do, you
> will insure that the answer to the question, ³Where were you when I needed
> you,?² will be, ³Right by your side.²
> 
> divorcebusting.com
> <http://r.vresp.com/?DivorceBustingCenter/81901c5f65/944246/TEST/TEST>
> 
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- FOUR CHANCES TO SEE HER IN PERSON

You'll have three chances to see the award-winning Michele Weiner-Davis at
the Denver Smart Marriages Conference - FOUR if you stop at her Exhibit
where she spends lots of time signing books and answering individual
questions.  Michele will present the Sat morning keynote: "Divorce Busting
on Steroids", a Sat afternoon workshop, "Affairs: Step-by-Step to Recovery",
and you can spend a full day with her in her pre-conference training
institute: 
> 118 One Day - Thursday, June 28
> Become a Divorce Buster!
> Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW
> Learn two "teach-right-out-of-the-box"strength-based, solution-oriented
> programs - Marriage Breakthrough, an interactive one-day video seminar, and
> Keeping Love Alive, a 5-session, small group audiotape program. Teach a class
> or use as add-ons to other programs or in mentor/counseling settings.
> Effective even when only one spouse participates. Didactic, video and
> experiential. $50 spouse discount. Click for more information:
> http://www.smartmarriage.com/divorcebusting.html

**************************
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11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
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202-362-3332

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