Friday EARLY-BIRD RATE | Public | Special Needs Children | The Vocation of Marriage - 5/10/07

[Smartmarriages]

- FRIDAY MAY 11TH IS THE EARLY BIRD CUT OFF
- THE WHOLE THING IS OPEN TO THE PUBLIC
- MARRIAGE WITH SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN
- CATHOLIC BISHOPS MAKING A CASE FOR THE VOCATION OF MARRIAGE
- FREE TWO-DAY NACFLM TRAINING INSTITUTE AT DENVER SMART MARRIAGES
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- FRIDAY MAY 11TH IS THE EARLY BIRD CUT OFF
Register by midnight.  After that registration goes up by $50.
On-line registration: http://tinyurl.com/2j2ghk
Or register by fax: print out a form at: http://tinyurl.com/2j2ghk
(click on "paper form" to fax or mail)

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- THE WHOLE THING IS OPEN TO THE PUBLIC
> Dear Ms. Sollee, 
> I am writing to inquire in the Smart Marriages 11th Annual Conference in
> Denver, CO is open to the public, or if there are restrictions on who might
> attend?
> Mary Steinberg, Information Specialist

The Conference is completely open to the public.  There are no restrictions.
Public attendees can learn how to teach marriage, premarital, singles,
parenting, fathering classes in their communities OR attend to learn all
they can about making their own relationships, marriages, families all that
they can be.  Non-professionals are encouraged to attend the pre and post
training institutes.

The research, btw, shows that trained lay educators get the same great
results in teaching the classes as do degreed/licensed mental health
professionals. 

Many non-professionals attend every year, say it's their marriage tune-up
vacation.  Also, if you wish to bring a non-professional spouse, see "the
fun track" at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/play.html  You'll also be glad
they're there with you in the keynotes and banquets.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/keynotes.html

The early-bird discount ends at midnight on May 11.  Save $60 by registering
on-line by that date at:
http://tinyurl.com/2j2ghk

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- MARRIAGE WITH SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN

> No doubt, raising a child with special needs is one of the biggest challenges
> to a marriage. The divorce rate for such couples is somewhat higher than the
> already high national divorce rate (about 50 percent for first marriages; 75
> percent for second marriages).


Authors counsel couples with special-needs children
Pittsburg Post-Gazette
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
By Tina Calabro

Over the past few years, numerous books have been written about raising
children with special needs, but -- until now -- none that focus solely on
the tremendous stress that such parenting adds to a marriage.

Laura Marshak, a Squirrel Hill resident, and co-author Fran Pollock Prezant
have filled that gap with "Married with Special-Needs Children: A Couples
Guide to Keeping Connected" (Woodbine House, 2007). The book recently won an
iParenting Media Award.

My interest in this book is quite personal. As a parent of an 11-year-old
son with disabilities, I have survived many of the marital struggles that
come with the territory -- especially during my son's early years. I was
depressed, anxious, and frequently arguing with my husband about our
"special" child. A good friend urged me to talk to Dr. Marshak, a
psychologist who teaches at Indiana University of Pennsylvania and has a
counseling practice in the North Hills. That "conversation" lasted about
three years.

Now that I can look back on that period from a distance, it's interesting to
read about the broad strokes of what my husband and I were going through.
Like many mothers of young children with special needs, I had become quite
consumed by the implications of the diagnosis (cerebral palsy) and what I
could do to offset future problems. My husband, on the other hand, was much
more accepting of our son's condition and inclined to take things day by
day. Although we were both very committed to our son, we often disagreed
about what was best for him -- so much so that I began to pull away from my
husband and, increasingly, to manage the special needs care on my own.

During counseling, Dr. Marshak offered a suggestion that changed my course:
Rather than angrily "doing it all myself," why not gently teach my husband
about my viewpoints.

Although I initially blanched at the idea, I followed her wise advice. Over
time, my husband and I got on the same page about our son's situation and
have stayed there.

No doubt, raising a child with special needs is one of the biggest
challenges to a marriage. The divorce rate for such couples is somewhat
higher than the already high national divorce rate (about 50 percent for
first marriages; 75 percent for second marriages).

In their comprehensive yet readable book, Dr. Marshak and Ms. Prezant, a
former faculty member at Indiana University of Pennsylvania and a specialist
in parent support, explain that the intense upheaval in the early years of
special parenting can affect a marriage for a long time. As if that's not
enough to deal with, couples often find themselves revisiting that intensity
at certain junctures in the child's life, such as hospitalizations, school
transitions, or when the child reaches adulthood.

The authors -- both of whom have personal and professional experience with
the subject -- describe the typical issues that couples encounter, such as
differing styles of accepting a child's diagnosis, conflicts about who does
what, and overinvolvement in the child's needs.

These problems cannot be addressed by any single formula, say the authors.
Instead, they offer couples information about the predictable pitfalls and
strategies for finding some middle ground. Often, the demands of having a
child with special needs exacerbates personality differences that may have
already surfaced for the couple as a source of conflict.

If the marriage was in serious trouble before the special needs came along,
dissolution may be inevitable.

But for a majority of couples, the authors say, the marriages are "good
enough" and can be helped along with some attention to what the couple is
going through in respect to the child's special needs.

That was the case for my husband and me. We had a "good enough" marriage
before our child with a disability came along. In my frustration, I believed
that I would not be able to cope with my son's special needs and the
accompanying marriage issues. But I was wrong.

As Dr. Marshak observes about "good enough" marriages, the partners often
discover that they "may not be on the same side of their arguments, but they
are on the same side of life."

So if you are frustrated with your partner, but have a "good enough"
marriage, take a look at this book. You may see your marriage more clearly.

Or consider professional counseling. Remember that it doesn't have to be
couples therapy -- mine wasn't. A professional counselor can help you view
your situation with some objectivity and understand how to hang in for the
long haul.

Dr. Marshak welcomes invitations to speak to parent groups or to conduct
book discussions. You can contact her at marshak at iup.edu.

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 - CATHOLIC BISHOPS MAKING A CASE FOR THE VOCATION OF MARRIAGE

Working to strengthen and support marriage
Catholic Sentinel 
05/10/2007 
Archbishop John Vlazny

> . . . fewer and fewer marriages are being celebrated in our churches. Yet our
> population continues to grow.

For many years now Catholics have expressed considerable concern about a
lack of vocations. Such talk is usually about vocations to ordained ministry
and the consecrated life. The numbers have certainly diminished in recent
decades but we are beginning to turn the corner on this decline. In fact,
here in this archdiocese over the past nine years we have more than doubled
the number of seminarians we are sponsoring for future service.

But a greater vocation crisis is still under way with respect to the
sacrament of marriage. The numbers of both sacramental and civil marriages
are on the decline. Divorces multiply. Young people are reluctant to make
permanent commitments. When I review the reports from parishes each year I
note that fewer and fewer marriages are being celebrated in our churches.
Yet our population continues to grow.

In recent months we Catholic bishops of the United States have been working
cooperatively to ³make a case for marriage.² Questions like, ³Why does
marriage matter? Why choose to get married? Why work to stay married? What
difference does marriage preparation really make?² and many more are on the
front burner. It is our hope to show how Catholic belief and teaching about
marriage are strengthened and confirmed by the findings of social science
research. We know that young people rely heavily on such research in their
quest for truth and direction.

Last month I was invited to preside at the wedding of a cousin and his
fiancée. They are wonderful young people and they celebrated their marriage
beautifully and joyfully. It was a sheer delight to be in their company on
the day they promised to love and honor each other all the days of their
lives. It was quite obvious that much preparation had gone into that
wedding. The bride had an amazing capacity for details and everything had
been thought out very carefully.

But the preparation for the wedding wasn¹t my major concern. As presider at
the sacramental celebration, I was much more concerned about their
preparation for the marriage. The wedding was one day. The marriage will be
for a lifetime. Fortunately, both Brian and Jamie had taken seriously the
invitation the church gave them to look ahead and see what it would mean to
live as husband and wife until death. I am not sure that all young people
who are preparing for a wedding take seriously the need to prepare for a
marriage. Is it any wonder that infidelity, divorce and ³childless
marriages² are on the upswing?

Marriage preparation is usually coordinated by a priest or member of the
pastoral staff at the parish where a wedding is to be celebrated here in the
Archdiocese of Portland. Our pastors are greatly assisted in this important
work by such groups as Northwest Family Services, Northeast Catholic
Counseling Center and Catholic Engaged Encounter of Oregon. Many parishes
coordinate their own marriage preparation programs. Northwest Family
Services, for example, cites these as typical topics discussed during a
marriage preparation program: communication, family of origins, roles and
expectations, conflict resolution, marital spirituality, sexuality, natural
family planning and the nature of marriage.

It is important to note here that marriage preparation is only the beginning
of a broader marriage formation process that must span one¹s entire life.
Just because the bride and groom have become husband and wife doesn¹t mean
that they possess all the skills needed to make their marriage last.
Marriage preparation before the wedding is only the first experience of
marriage education. Continuing education enables couples to keep their
relationship fresh by fostering new skills and renewing community support
and spousal commitment.

Even though engaged couples have many things on their minds, a premarital
education program encourages them to take some time to reflect on their
relationship. They learn that marriage matters and they also hear about
available options for those times when they will need help in the future.
All of this can lower the risk for subsequent marital distress or divorce.
When couples are willing to spend some time in skill-building programs such
as these, studies confirm that this will result in increased marital
satisfaction, higher conflict resolution skills, strengthened spousal
commitment and more frequent expressions of positive feelings and affection.

Admittedly, young folks are at times reluctant to devote much time to
marriage preparation prior to their wedding day. Some of them simply don¹t
see the need. But in a Catholic marriage husbands and wives are asked to
promise fidelity, permanence of commitment and openness to children. That no
longer seems to be the understanding in many civil marriages. In fact, the
institution of marriage itself is sadly under attack by the libertarian
attitudes prevalent among so many of our people who feel that marriage can
be whatever they want it to be and no one should tell them otherwise.

Sometimes relatives and friends of the bride and the groom can be a problem
as well. The expectation of the pastoral minister that couples take marriage
preparation seriously is denigrated by family members who themselves seem
more preoccupied with the details of the wedding than the challenges of the
marriage.

Yes, the vocation of marriage is clearly in decline, not because God no
longer calls couples to such sacramental unions, but because the meaning and
value of marriage itself are not what they used to be in today¹s secular
culture. The church needs to join with other concerned parties in building a
pro-marriage culture. That happens best when women and men both understand
and value the vocation to which God calls them as spouses. May the good Lord
bless all the brides and grooms who are becoming husbands and wives this
spring. 

-  FREE TWO-DAY NACFLM TRAINING INSTITUTE AT DENVER SMART MARRIAGES
> 114 Two Days - Wednesday & Thursday, June 27, 28  - FREE Admission - NO CEU
> NACFLM: National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers
> Steve & Kathy Beirne, MA, Bishop Kurtz,
> Learn a variety of approaches for strengthening marriages and families based
> on four areas of family ministry: family as a developing intergenerational
> system; family diversity; partnerships with social institutions; and Christian
> vision. Also plan to attend the Banquet, 6:30pm, Wed night, June 27, co-hosted
> by NACFLM and featuring Nicky and Sila Lee: The Marriage Course -$37 per
> person.  For a schedule of speakers and details: http://www.nacflm.org

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11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
Download a brochure: http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.07.pdf


List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

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