Remarriage - 3/19/07

[Smartmarriages]

- TRYING MARRIAGE AGAIN

Click here to see the comprehensive Stepfamily Track at the Denver Smart
Marriages Conference:  http://www.smartmarriages.com/step.track.html

The Enquirer - Cincinnati
March 19, 2007
John Johnston 

Trying marriage again
When remarriage joins two families, they face new challenges

This is the third in a series of stories examining marital issues.

When she wants to demonstrate the pressures couples face in a second
marriage, stepfamily expert Elizabeth Einstein gets out the ropes.

She asks a couple at one of her workshops to tie themselves together,
signifying the bonds of remarriage.

Then she gets volunteers from the audience, representing children and
ex-spouses from the first marriage, to tie themselves to the couple.

Einstein loads down the couple with luggage, each piece labeled with issues
common in remarriage, such as anger, guilt, unrealistic expectations and
fear of another divorce.

Then she blindfolds the couple, signifying denial.

Finally, with the couple being pulled every which way, Einstein instructs
them to get close and be intimate.

Darn near impossible. And that's the point.

About 60 percent of second marriages fail, usually within the first three to
five years, Einstein, a family and marriage therapist, says in an interview
from her Ithaca, N.Y., home.

Although a lack of data from the federal government makes it tricky to
pinpoint divorce rates, it's generally agreed second marriages fail at a
higher rate than first marriages.

"We take our same old self to the new marriage, too often unhealed and
unaware," says Einstein, author of "Strengthening Your Stepfamily" (Impact
Publishers, $17.95) and other materials. "We've got hurting kids that
haven't healed. We've got former partners who may either support or sabotage
the situation. And then there's a whole batch of challenges inherent with
the stepfamily."

The good news is that second marriages not only can survive, but thrive.
Consider Holly and Dave Mouch of White Oak. When they married in 1995, she'd
been divorced 10 years and had three children. He had four and had been
divorced about a year.

"At the beginning, I didn't think it was going to be so much work," says
Holly, 47, provider relations representative for the Visiting Nurse
Association.

But Dave, 52, a family practice physician, had dealt with enough
stepfamilies to know it was important to head off possible pitfalls. So
before he and Holly married, even before their children had met - at the
time they ranged from age 4 to 16 - he suggested the couple seek counseling.

Both agree it was a wise move. The counselor stressed that the children
"still have their mom and dad," Holly says. "We weren't trying to replace
either of them. (But) we'd always be there; we're a support system."

Dealing with stepchildren is the No. 1 challenge facing couples in second
marriages, but it's hardly the only issue, Einstein says. Second marriages
also fail, she says, because of:

€ Unresolved grief. If a person can't forgive an ex-spouse, that anger can
impinge on the new stepfamily in the form of badmouthing the ex in front of
the children. A child's grief might focus on the loss of a parent. When that
grief is unresolved, the child may have trouble accepting a stepparent.

€ Unrealistic expectations. People often expect an instant bond with the
stepchildren. "That's a setup for failure, because you can't do it quickly.
It's a process," Einstein says. "What you want to shoot for is respect and
trust and civility."

€ Uninformed adults. Many people "don't have a clue what living in a
stepfamily is like." It helps to read books, attend workshops or check out
Web sites that deal with stepfamily issues.

€ Denial. People may deny feelings of anger, guilt, resentment and fear.
Also, many people deny their children contact with their former spouse.

After her first marriage ended two years ago, Linda Ivy Rosser says it was
important to make "a clean break" - that she be emotionally detached from
her first husband and healed - before she remarried.

"My goal was not to get emotionally involved in the remnants of divorce,"
says the 38-year-old mother of one. She married Glenn Rosser, 42, in
December and moved into his Mason home, comfortable that he, too, was not
carrying emotional baggage.

Glenn has 17- and 19-year-old sons from his first marriage, which ended
after 13 years. Linda has a 5-year-old daughter. As stepparents, they are
coming to terms with new roles.

"When we first got together," Glenn says, "Vaughn (the 17-year-old) would
say (to Linda). 'This is how we do things. You'll get used to it.'

"(But) in a new relationship, it's not how you used to do things, it's how
we're going to do things together. This is our beginning."

Linda says it's about building "a family culture." And that includes meshing
different parenting styles.

When Glenn has disagreed with her approach, "he wouldn't jump right in and
correct," Linda says. "He waited for the right moment where he felt I would
be receptive."

Discipline is an issue that often pulls a couple apart, Einstein says.

"Stepparents have to earn the right to discipline," she says. "They must
avoid taking it on too early. There are no bonds between them and their
stepchildren, no trust yet. I recommend stepparents work on nurturing first,
which keeps them out of the role of the heavy."

It takes time for bonds to form.

Stefanie and Guy Adams of Kennedy Heights married last April. Each has one
child from a previous marriage. His son is 3; her daughter is 4.

When the couple was dating and their relationship grew serious, Stefanie's
daughter, Gretchen, became withdrawn from Guy.

"I decided to sit back and count on her coming around when she's ready,"
Guy, 42, says. "To push would only delay the process."

Gretchen once said to Guy: You're not my daddy.

He agreed and told her she has a great dad. Then Guy said he loves her, too,
and that she must follow his rules.

"It was like a light switch went on: OK, we all got the same definition,"
Stefanie, 37, says.

Says Einstein: "Young children adapt fairly well (to stepfamilies).
Teenagers have the greatest trouble, and children who have been in a
single-parent family for a very long time.

"If you marry and you've got teenagers, and there's never any really
powerful bonds of love (with the stepparent), that's OK. The important thing
is to make sure there's respect and trust there."

The Mouchs, with a much wider range of ages to deal with, over the years
have concerned themselves with meting out discipline fairly, dealing with
ex-spouses, and being equitable with finances.

"We've tried to make it so it's not 'her kids' and 'my kids,' " Dave Mouch
says. "There are times there's friction because of that."

That's normal, Einstein says. But many second marriages end in three to five
years because couples think they'll always be in crisis.

The National Stepfamily Resource Center says it often takes at least four
years for the people in a stepfamily to get to know each other, create
positive relationships and develop some family history.

When that happens, the rewards can be great.

Remarriage offers adults a second chance to succeed with a life partner.
Children who have been through a divorce learn that marriage can work.
Powerful bonds can be created within the stepfamily.

The Mouch children now range from age 18 to 29. Last July all but one went
on a vacation with Holly and Dave. (Holly made a photo mask of the one who
couldn't go, so he appears in many of their vacation pictures.)

"It was, so far, the highlight of my life, (being with) those kids on that
vacation. It was just so fun," Holly Mouch says.

"You could tell they genuinely liked each other and wanted to be around each
other. There were no 'steps' involved. No stepsister, stepbrother."

Copyright 2007, Enquirer.com


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