Study: Don't Get Divorced / The 'Gray' Divorce - 3/15/ 07

[Smartmarriages]

- STUDY: DON'T GET DIVORCED
- THE 'GRAY DIVORCE'

#######################
- STUDY: DON'T GET DIVORCED

Study: Don't get divorced or fired
The Philadelphia Inquirer
March 15, 2007 
When it comes to your long-term happiness, it's worse to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all, at least according to a review article by
Michigan State University psychologist Richard Lucas.

Lucas set out to investigate a commonly held view in his field - that people
are born to be happy or sad, the slings and arrows of fortune altering that
"set point" only temporarily.

But nobody had specifically looked at the impact of big life changes, such
as marriage, divorce or unemployment, he said. He found that marriage buoyed
the spirits for only about two years, after which the spouses were no
happier than they had been as singles.

But divorce, he found, could plunge you permanently into the emotional
dumps. So could losing your job.

His findings, based on several different studies, were published in the
April issue of Current Directions in Psychological Science.

On the plus side, he said, divorced people could climb back to the relative
happiness they enjoyed as singles by getting remarried. But for those who'd
been fired, even finding a new job didn't completely repair the damage.

He said his study backs up our intuitive sense about the hazards of
heartbreak. Still, he was surprised to find divorce had a more permanent
effect than the loss of a spouse to death, from which the average person
recovers in seven years.

His results would seem to contradict previous surveys showing married people
were happier than singles - whether two years or two decades into marriage.
But a closer look showed they were happier five years before taking their
vows. So it's not so much that marriage makes you happy, he said, "but that
happy people are more likely to get married."

#####################
- THE 'GRAY DIVORCE'

The 'Gray Divorce'
The Chicago Sun Times
March 14, 2007

By Michelle Mullins Correspondent

Many couples look forward to the time when their children leave home for
college or find jobs and houses of their own. They anticipate rekindling
their romance, starting a new hobby or traveling the world.

But that's not true for all. For some, the transition into the empty-nest
phase of life is just empty.

A national AARP study found that the divorce rate among people ages 40 to 79
years old is on the rise, with more women seeking the break in higher
numbers than men.

It's a phenomenon that's sometimes called "gray divorce."

"When people get married and fall in love, they tend to see only the
positive," said the Rev. Harold Hauser, director of the Southside Christian
Counseling Center in Tinley Park.

"When you get married, things happen, not just bad things, but good things.
A child comes along and that is a good thing, but it also taxes the
relationship. Jobs, mortgages, all these things tend to get into the mix. If
you are not careful, they can get in the way of the one you love. It's not
just the bad things that push us apart. It can be the good things as well,
and then your marital battery has been drained."

While the average marriage to end in divorce lasts about eight years, some
of these older couples have been together more than 20 years.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 76 percent of men who married between
1955 to 1959 stayed married for more than 20 years. For those married
between 1975 and 1979, the number making it past 20 years dropped to 58
percent.

AARP's "The Divorce Experience: A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond"
found that about 66 percent of women initiate the split.

Many cite physical and emotional abuse, but say they postponed a divorce for
five or more years because they had children and wanted the family to stay
intact, said Xenia Montenegro, AARP's manager of market research.

But women also claim to divorce because of an unfaithful partner, they fell
out of love or they had trouble adjusting to the empty-nest life.

"Divorce has less of a stigma today than 20 or 30 years ago," Montenegro
said. "Many women are also working so they are financially less strapped
than they were in the past."

Women are generally viewed as the caretakers of the relationship and the
family.

'Walk-away' wives

Known as the "Walk-Away Wife Syndrome," some women initiate the divorce
because they feel their husbands aren't responsive to fixing the problems of
their relationship. After years of nagging, these women surrender to the
notion that change isn't possible and often live silently until announcing
they want a divorce, sometimes to the surprise of their husbands.

The AARP study finds that 26 percent of men said they never saw it coming.

The idea that an older man leaves his wife for a younger woman is a common
misconception about divorce among older couples, the study said.

Hauser was 54 years old with four children when his wife of 28 years asked
for a divorce. She wanted to be single again, he said.

"It was one of the most traumatic events of my life," he said. "I didn't see
it coming."

Four years after the divorce, Hauser said he can see where career, health
and other life problems taxed his relationship with his spouse.

Being friends helps

Still, while experts say the golden years can be difficult, there are ways
to make the transition into the empty-nest phase easier.

"A lot of our past behavior has been focused on our children so it doesn't
seem as we are friends anymore," said Hauser, who is a licensed marriage and
family therapist. "We want to be more than roommates who share a same
address. Now that the kids are gone, you see your spouse and say, 'Welcome
back.'"

Recognizing the transitional nature of this period is one of the first steps
in making it smoother, said Claudia Arp, a founder of Marriage Alive, a
nonprofit marriage and family educational organization, and author of
several books and DVDs on marriage.

"Some people celebrate the empty nest like a second honeymoon," said Arp,
author of "10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters," which is used by the Chicago
Archdiocese for marriage counseling. "But the honeymoon ends and some people
hit it with a crisis. The transition is from a child-focused relationship to
a partner-focused relationship. It's a chance for couples to reinvent
themselves."

Let the past go

Arp said that during the empty-nest years, couples should reconnect with
each other, renew their friendships and rekindle their love.

"In the second half of marriage, you are more in control, hopefully wiser,
more tolerant and accepting your spouse as a package deal that the good
comes with the bad," she said.

"If you haven't changed your partner in the first 20 years, then change
isn't going to happen. You need to let go of past marital disappointments.
It just blows our mind that you've invested that much time in a marriage and
want to walk away. If there isn't abuse, we believe you can rebuild the
relationship. We believe marriage can be better in the second half of life."

For couples in trouble, Arp recommends marriage education or counseling. It
can be as simple as watching a video or reading one of the books she
co-wrote with her husband of more than 40 years.

"What makes a marriage go the distance is the level of friendship the couple
share," Arp said. "One way to build that friendship is to spend time
together. One way to spend time together is to have a date."

Hauser recommends counseling, self-help books, talking with friends or
church leaders or taking a class on marriage and family at a community
college.

Getting help

Dr. Constantine Bruns, clinical director of community counseling at the
Community Counseling and Wellness Centers of America, said couples seeking
marital help often come to his Midlothian clinic.

His clinic offers a couple's compatibility program in which each spouse is
interviewed individually and their answers entered into a computerized
scoring system, Bruns said. Counselors use the information to better tailor
therapy sessions, he said.

It is also helpful to bring in adult children who are deeply invested in
what is happening to their parents, Bruns said.

"Most couples are trying to save their marriage," he said. "They've tried to
solve the empty-nest conundrum and failed. They are facing the typical
pressures of getting older, such as finances and more medical expenses. One
may have divorce on the mind, but the other wants to try to save that
marriage. You don't want to let go of your relationship."
Life After Divorce

Relationships

 75 percent of women in their 50s reported enjoying a serious, exclusive
relationship after their divorce -- often within two years.

 81 percent of men in their 50s did the same.

Attitudes

 70 percent of those who initiated a divorce were confident they'd done the
right thing.

 45 percent of divorcees said their biggest fear was being alone.

 80 percent of respondents reported either a somewhat or very positive
outlook of their life at present.

Troubled marriages

 58 percent of men and 37 percent of women said they postponed divorce for
five years or more to stay together for their children

Source: AARP

(http://www.dailysouthtown.com/lifestyles/294837,141LIF1.article)


© Copyright 2007 Sun-Times News Group

##########################
**************************
Send submissions and comments for the listserv to: diane at smartmarriages.com
Do NOT hit "reply". If you hit reply your email will go into cyberspace and
NO ONE will see your email.

This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee,
editor. Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.
PLEASE include your email address or url as part of your signature.

Please also understand that with thousands on the list, not all comments can
be shared. Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily shared
by members of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the
column under the puzzle piece.

To read past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/

11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 26-28
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 2-3
Details: http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html
Subscribe to the FREE Smart Marriages e-newslist at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.