Alone Together: How Marriage In America is Changing - 3/6/07

[Smartmarriages]

- Couples close despite marriages lived apart
Feb 26, 2007 
By Jennifer Barrett
Salt Lake Tribune

Emily and James Hadfield really are two ships passing in the night, with
James clocking in for work each evening just as Emily is leaving the office.
But even when the couple could have time together, they often choose to
spend it apart.

When James wants to see a horror movie, Emily stays home and reads. If she¹s
doing volunteer work, he¹ll be in his workshop, building guitar amplifiers.
When he hangs out with his amp buddies, she might go shopping.

³We¹re both really independent people. I don¹t have to check with him before
I do something. He doesn¹t demand that I come home and make him dinner
before he goes to work,² she said. ³That¹s what I appreciate about him, that
he encourages me to do my own thing.²

The Hadfields are like a growing number of married couples, according to
sociologist Paul Amato. More Americans have separate friends, different
social engagements and independent hobbies, and even vacation apart.

³The level of interaction and togetherness is way down,² said Amato,
co-author of the book ³Alone Together: How Marriage in America Is Changing²
(Harvard University Press, $45).

³Alone Together² is the result of two identical studies on marital quality
conducted 20 years apart. The researchers ­ Amato and three co-authors, Alan
Booth, David R. Johnson and Stacy J. Rogers, all professors of sociology at
Pennsylvania State University ­ found that modern marriage is a mixed bag.

³A lot of social scientists believe that marriage is not as strong as it
used to be, that people are less committed to it,² Amato said. ³But what we
found is that marriage has gotten better in some ways and riskier in
others.²

On the good side, Amato and his colleagues discovered that levels of
domestic violence in marriage have fallen dramatically, about 50 percent,
Amato said. The decline was so startling that the researchers initially
questioned whether they had gotten it wrong. After comparing numbers with
federal reports that use victim polling rather than relying on police
reports only, they concluded the numbers were sound.

³Even 20 years ago, there was still some tolerance for aggression in a
marriage. Now, most people realize that it¹s wrong,² he said. That, coupled
with tougher laws and policing practices, as well as more social awareness
of the problem, may be causes of the decline, he speculated.

Couples also are reporting fewer problems in their relationships. In fact,
more couples say they are very satisfied with their marriages, so much so
that the thought of divorce had never crossed their minds.

Also in the positive column: More spouses are reporting that they are equal
partners in marriage than before.

³People have really moved away from this male-as-head-of-the-household
model,² said Amato, and that makes all the difference in their marriages.
Couples who said decisions were made equally had relationships that were
³better in every way.²

But for all the positive changes the survey found, it also found some
negative ones. Amato puts the trend toward more independent spouses in this
category.

The number of married couples who said they frequently saw a movie, went
shopping, visited friends, worked on a project or did some other kind of
entertainment together dropped by about 40 percent.

Many of these couples reported being happy with their independent
arrangements.

³They might be perfectly happy, but when something comes along that
challenges the relationship, it¹s tempting to say we already have our own
friends, our independent lives, breaking up wouldn¹t be so bad,² he said.

Marriage therapist William Doherty said the separate-lives phenomenon may be
a fact of modern life.

The antidote may be what he calls the ³marital ritual,² a brief period every
day where couples can connect without interference from children, phones,
bosses or neighbors. It can be as simple as a cup of tea or a 15-minute soak
in the hot tub together at the end of every day.

Emily and James Hadfield aren¹t too worried about their separate lives,
because they also make a strong team, they say. They make music together,
take road trips and attend conferences.

³I think it¹s important for couples to still pursue their hobbies and
maintain their identities, as well as make time to do things they enjoy
together,² said Emily Hadfield.

³This way we keep the best of both worlds.²

-------------------------------


- Americans shifting toward solitariness, author says
By Elaine Jarvik
Deseret Morning News
Feb 23, 2007 

Dr. Paul Amato has tallied up the numbers and discovered something
disturbing about American marriages: Husbands and wives are spending less
and less time together.

Compared to 1980, today's couples are less likely to have mutual friends and
more likely to not eat dinner at the same time or work on home projects
together. Even when they're both at home in the evening, they're probably in
different rooms. All of which makes Amato uneasy.

"I think it's a weak foundation for marriage," says Amato, author of "Alone
Together: How Marriage in America is Changing." He'll be in Salt Lake City
today delivering a free noon lecture at the University of Utah Museum of
Fine Arts.

On the other hand, Amato reports, his 2000 study of 2,000 couples shows that
husbands and wives report a 40 percent drop in marital violence and a
decrease in relationship problems, compared to an identical study in 1980.

The jaded might wonder if all that comparative marital bliss is a result of
couples spending less time in the same room. And even Amato admits that
thought initially crossed his mind. But decreased interaction proves not to
be the cause of the decreased abuse, he says. More likely, improved
economics between 1980 and 2000, and an increase in women's financial power,
helped bring the violence down.

But what explains the trend toward more independent marriages? The shift is
just as likely in families in which the wife isn't in the labor force, so
the increase in the number of two-income families isn't the reason, he says.
Rather, the trend seems to echo a subtle shift toward solitariness in
American society in general, says Amato, who is a professor of sociology,
demography and family studies at Pennsylvania State University.

"People are kind of keeping to themselves more than they used to. They're
less likely to know their neighbors, and people report having fewer
friends." There's also an increase in the number of men who say they have no
friends at all, if you don't count their wives.

In the days when a family had just one TV or one radio, the family gathered
around it in the evening. "Now people split up in the evenings, following
separate pursuits." Not that independence isn't a good thing, he says. "But
there needs to be a balance between togetherness and apartness."

Sixty percent of married couples still eat their main meal together, but
that's down from 80 percent just 20 years ago. There's also been an 18
percent drop in the number of couples who say they go out with their spouse
for a "leisure activity" frequently or often, and a 19 percent drop in the
number of couples who visit friends together.

"On the one hand, maybe it doesn't matter, because people report being just
as happy as 20 years ago," Amato says. But he worries what will happen when
these couples hit a snag in their lives. "I think they're more vulnerable,
because the thought of getting a divorce isn't as radical to them. They
already have independent lives, so getting a divorce wouldn't be considered
such a big change."

The percent of marriages that end in divorce is still about 46 percent, he
says, and that hasn't changed since 1980. He wonders though, if "all this
individualism among couples" will cause the rate to rise. He wonders
whether, 20 years from now, those alone-together couples will still be
together at all.

##############
I'll see if we can get Paul interested in presenting for us in 2008 (he did
a keynote in 2001). In the meantime this book sounds like a must.  Scott
Stanley will cover this territory in his Friday morning keynote, "The
Paradox of Sacrifice" and Howard Markman will also go over this ground in
his Master workshop with Marcie Pregulman:

> 201
> The Future of Marriage
> Howard Markman, PhD, Marcie Pregulman
> Understand the six compelling trends that provide a basis for optimism and the
> three big challenges ­ and how to deal with them in your community marriage
> work. 

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