Father's Day| Empty Nest | Darwin on Marriage | Audits - 6/15/07

[Smartmarriages]

- APOLOGIES FROM THE REGISTRATION COMPANY
- NICE ONE FOR FATHER'S DAY
- HOW TO BE HAPPIER IN YOUR EMPTY NEST
- DARWIN ON MARRIAGE
- ANNUAL AUDITS 

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- APOLOGIES FROM THE REGISTRATION COMPANY
The conference registration company misunderstood and told several of you
this week that it was too late to add banquets.  It is NOT too late!  And,
in fact, it is important that you do this now, in advance.  If you wish to
add any of the three banquets for yourself or a guest, or add Sat night live
Tony Robbins/Cloe Madanes tickets for a guest, call 800-314-1921 - just hit
"0" and you'll get the conference registration dept.  For info see here:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/banquets.html  AND
here: - diane 
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- HOTEL ROOMS/ROOMMATES

We're still looking for any hotel reservations you need to cancel or trim.
Also, anyone willing to share the room you have to split costs, please send
your roommate info: http://www.smartmarriages.com/roommates.html

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- NICE ONE FOR FATHER'S DAY

Father's Touch Soothes Newborns
After C-Section Birth, Newborns Find Dad's Skin Soothing When Mom Isn't
Available
By Miranda Hitti <http://www.webmd.com/Miranda-Hitti>
WebMD Medical News
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD <http://www.webmd.com/Louise-Chang>

June 7, 2007 -- After cesarean section (C-section), newborns may cry less
and sleep sooner if they rest on dad's chest instead of in a cot, a Swedish
study shows.

"This valuable information can be used to encourage fathers to provide
skin-to-skin care for their babies," write the researchers.

They add that fathers "should thus be seen as the primary caregiver for the
infant during the separation of mother and baby."

The researchers included Kerstin Erlandsson, RNM, MNursSci, a graduate
student in the reproductive and perinatal health division of the Karolinska
Institute in Stockholm, Sweden.

They studied 29 Swedish men whose wives or girlfriends had just given birth
by C-section to healthy babies.

Immediately after the babies were born, the infants got five to 10 minutes
of skin-to-skin contact with their mothers. Then the babies spent the next
two hours with their dads.

Father's Comfort
During those two hours, 14 fathers were asked to care for their babies,
skin-to-skin, on their chest. The other 15 fathers were asked to sit in a
chair next to a cot where their swaddled baby lay.

The dads sitting next to the cots were free to caress or sing to their baby.
But they weren't allowed to pick up their baby.

An observer watched the fathers and children interact. A tape recorder also
recorded the interactions.

The observer made notes every 15 minutes. Later, another researcher who
didn't know which babies were being held listened to and analyzed the tapes.
The babies cradled on their fathers' chests cried less and fell asleep
sooner than the babies in the cots.

Crying babies calmed down within 15 minutes of being held by their dads and
became drowsy in an hour.

Babies in cots, on the other hand, took longer to be soothed and became
drowsy in an hour and 50 minutes.

Skin-to-skin contact with the father is "optimal for the infant's well-being
when the mother and infant are separated after a cesarean birth," the
researchers conclude.
 
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- HOW TO BE HAPPIER IN YOUR EMPTY NEST

This Ladies Home Journal sidebar quotes David and Claudia Arp who will
present their Second Half program at Smart Marriages.  If you can't take the
workshop, be sure to check it out at their exhibit - it's a TOOB
(teach right out of the box) and requires no training.  - diane

> 417 - Sat morning, June 30, Denver
> The Second Half ­ TOOB
> Claudia and David Arp, MSW
> Teach empty nesters to reinvent their marriage, avoid divorce, and make the
> rest the best. Great for mentor couples to teach in church or community. Bonus
> "Dates for Empty Nesters" material.
 
Ladies Home Journal, July 2007
How to Be Happier When the Kids Are Gone
 
1. Stay friends. ³Those who study marriage know that over the long haul,
it¹s the friend like partnering quality of the relationship that determines
its success.² Says Robert Levenson, Ph.D., a professor at the University of
California, Berkeley. ³Invest in that aspect of your marriage. Maintain a
mutual respect.²
 
2. Strengthen what you have in common. ³The best marriages have what I call
Œbroad-based compatibility,² says Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., a clinical
psychologist and the founder of eHarmony.com. The pre-empty nest years are a
good time to strengthen those connections or find new ones. ³It can be
bowling, bicycling, or saving the whales,² says
Dr. Warren. ³If it¹s been years since you thought about spirituality,
perhaps that¹s something else to share.
 
3. Let go of the past. ³One of the challenges of a marriage¹s later years is
to let go of past disappointments and move on,² says Claudia Arp, coauthor,
with her husband, of 10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters. ³Clean the slate.
Renew romance and the sexual relationship. One of the most positive things
you can do is take a marriage-education course to teach you new skills just
before the last child is ready to leave.²
 
4. Reach out to your spouse. The smallest gestures of tenderness can have a
huge strengthening effect on a marriage. ³Get away for two days with your
spouse,² advises Dr. Warren. ³See a movie that makes you both laugh. Reach
out and touch when you¹re in the car. Ask a meaningful question‹How¹s
everything going at work?‹then genuinely listen to the response. Listening
is a powerful way to connect.²
 
5. Find time for each other.  ³Adolescents sleep until noon,² Arp points
out. ³You could have a standing Saturday morning couples breakfast‹and be
back before your teens even wake up.²

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- DARWIN ON MARRIAGE

So: Was Darwin right, or wasn't he?
Not about evolution -- but on why it's good, and bad, to get married
Chicago Sun-Times 
June 14, 2007
BY MARK BROWN Sun-Times Columnist

It's amazing how the writings of Charles Darwin can inspire such fear and
trepidation more than a century and a half after he first committed pen to
paper.

I refer not, of course, to Darwin's seminal work advancing his theory of
evolution, On the Origin of Species, but to his earlier and less well-known
musings on the pros and cons of getting married.

Darwin's thoughts on the subject of marriage, composed during his bachelor
days as he contemplated whether to take the fateful leap, are an intriguing
sidelight to a major new exhibit about his life and work that just opened at
the Field Museum.

As the Sun-Times' Andrew Herrmann reported, Darwin made a list in 1838 that
he titled "Marry Not Marry," enumerating the theoretical positives and
negatives of taking a wife, including this supposed plus: "Object to be
beloved and played with. Better than a dog anyhow."

Smart guy that Darwin. You don't need me to tell you that -- unless you
happen to be a creationist.

But take one look at Darwin's marriage list, and you can see for yourself
that it's a shame he never followed up later in his career -- after he'd
been married say 10 to 20 years -- to see if his thoughts on the subject had
evolved. For instance, did he ever try adopting a new dog.

No more chipped beef on toast
It occurred to me that while I could probably devote the rest of my life to
Darwin's teachings on evolution and natural selection and never add anything
of substance, I might be able to make significant advancements to his "Marry
Not Marry" ledger in an hour of scientific inquiry with my married male
co-workers.

That's where the fear and trepidation came in.

"Oh, no. You're not going to drag me into that," said the first.

"You want to quote me, by name?" said another with a frightened look.

You're a brave man, they all agreed. This reaction puzzled me.

What is the purpose of scientific exploration, I urged, if not to postulate
new postulations, to boldly go where no man has gone before?

But they would have none of it, even when I suggested that Thursday must be
the one day this week when their wives have penciled them in for conjugal
relations.

So I'm on my own, which makes it a plus that I'm secure in my own healthy,
happy marriage of 22 years. Right, hon?

But first let me give you the highlights of Darwin's list, which reminds me:
note that Darwin himself makes no mention of sex, which shows impressive
insight on his part, as he had apparently already figured out that sex is
ultimately irrelevant to the marriage equation.

Darwin's reasons to marry:

€ Children (if it please God)

€ Constant companion (and friend in old age)

€ Home and someone to take care of house

€ Charms of music and female chit-chat

€ Good for one's health

Darwin's reasons not to marry:

€ Terrible loss of time

€ Less money for books etc.

€ Forced to visit relatives and bend in every trifle

€ Less freedom to go where one likes

€ Expense and anxiety of children

Brown's additional reasons to marry:

€ Better chow

€ Significant improvements to personal wardrobe once she starts picking out
your clothes

€ Can afford nicer house (if you choose wife with good job)

€ No more need to wear contact lenses to attract women

€ Someone to shop for Christmas gifts for rest of family

Brown's additional reasons not to marry:

€ No more chipped beef on toast

€ You'll miss the plaid flannel shirts

€ May force you to listen to Edith Piaf in car

€ She will want dishes to be washed every day

€ Expectation that you will engage in conversation

In the end, Darwin succumbed to his vision of a "nice soft wife on a sofa
with good fire and books and music." He married his first cousin, Emma
Wedgwood, and they had 10 children. Historians say they were quite devoted
to each other.

No telling how it would have worked out if they'd had to wrestle for the
television remote every night.
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- ANNUAL AUDITS 

> Concerning embezzlement by clergy and bookkeepers, the answer is correct.  I
> served a church in the 1990s and our Church Treasurer embezzled $35,000.00,
> over three years.  The reason was that we had not had an audit for four years.
> Once we had an audit we have had one each year there after. The Discipline of
> the United Methodist Church calls for an annual audit to be made and presented
> annually to the Charge Conference.  Because we had been so laxed, she was able
> to take it from a memorial fund that was used infrequently.  She ALWAYS paid
> it back, until she transferred and had about $13,000.00 outstanding.  That is
> when she confessed and set up and account with the church to pay it back.  We
> did not prosecute because we felt that given the circumstances she needed to
> be treated compassionately.  She has since paid all the money back at 10%
> interest.  It also helps for churches to bond the people who handle.  As a
> pastor I NEVER handled any church funds.
> John Tate, retired United Methodist clergyman

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11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
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