Lebron James Dilemma |Catholic Marriage | Depression | Happiness Secrets | Separate Bedrooms - 6/11/07

[Smartmarriages]

- LEBRON JAMES DILEMMA: BRAVO BARBARA
- CATHOLIC MARRIAGE IN RAPID DECLINE
- MARRIAGE AND DEPRESSION
- TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR OWN HAPPINESS
- SEPARATE BEDROOMS

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- LEBRON JAMES DILEMMA: BRAVO BARBARA

Today on The View (5/11/07) the panel discussed the dilemma facing the
Cavalier's Lebron James and debated the pros and cons of his decision to 1)
be in the delivery room for the birth of his second child with his
girlfriend or 2) to be with his team as they battle for the crown in the NBA
playoff. Some on the panel said they couldn't imagine the father of their
child not being in the delivery room while others said he obviously had to
be with his team - that they'd worked all their lives to be in this
position.

Barbara Walters piped in with "If this is their second child, shouldn't the
question be 'Why doesn't he marry her?!'  Isn't that more important than
whether or not he's in the delivery room?!"

I hope some of you will go to The View website to say "Bravo Barbara!"
http://abc.go.com/daytime/theview/

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- CATHOLIC MARRIAGE IN RAPID DECLINE

> Catholic marriages declining rapidly
> The Boston Herald
> By Laura Crimaldi
> June 10, 2007
> 
> Catholic marriages in Boston plummeted 61 percent in the past 20 years,
> going from 12,314 in 1984 to 4,820 just two years ago, according to a church
> document circulated by a member of an important archdiocese planning group.
> 
> The document says the church’s marriage rate is dropping more than the
> national average.
> 
> Terrence C. Donilon, an archdiocesean spokesman, said the church has
> launched a long-term effort to revitalize parish life and increase Mass
> attendance, marriages and baptisms. “The glass is more than half-full,” said
> Donilon.
> 
> The document, which Donilon called “unofficial,” points out that evangelical
> Christians and Mormons have success in committing teens to their faith,
> while evangelization is a “low institutional priority” for the Catholic
> Church.
> 
> “There is a disconnect between what youth believe about God, themselves,
> their lives and their behavior,” the document said.
 
Everyone is invited to attend the BISHOPS' COMMITTEE ON MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
PRESS CONFERENCE at the Denver Smart Marriages Wednesday, June 27, at 4:30pm
in Grand Ballroom I. Bishop Joseph Kurtz, chairman of the Bishops' Committee
on Marriage and Family, will announce the launch of the bishops' PSA/website
campaign. The PSAs and website are part of the larger National Pastoral
Initiative for Marriage that the bishops began in 2005. The Catholic
Communication Campaign has provided funding to produce radio and TV Public
Service Announcements on the theme "What Have You Done for Your Marriage
Today?" In conjunction with the PSAs, they are also launching a new website:
www.foryourmarriage.org. The website will have info about Catholic marriage,
but will also have lots of other info and resources that will be of interest
to all couples who are married or preparing for marriage and to all who are
working to strengthen marriage and to create a Marriage Renaissance. - diane

#####################################
- MARRIAGE AND DEPRESSION

[[ I know I've already shared this study, but sending two more to show how
it's being reported. Also note that Susan Heitler will present a session on
"undoing the dance" and, of course, many will offer workshops and keynotes
on how to reduce conflict and improve marital quality - even for the
depressed. - diane ]]

> 212 - Friday morning, June 29, Denver
> Undoing the Dance of Depression
> Susan Heitler, PhD
> Depression is in many ways a two-people disorder. Learn how couples can
> prevent and/or alleviate depressive episodes with communication and conflict
> resolution skills.

Marriage helps the depressed
By Gordon Van Owen
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
June 11, 2007

Getting married can be a fright-filled event. Single people dream of one day
finding their special someone and tying the knot, but for those battling
depression, the transition into wedded bliss may add another benefit:
improved psychological health.

According to a study by researchers at Ohio State University, the depressed
benefit from the transition into marriage both psychologically and in the
quality of their marriage.

"We expected that the quality of marital communication and emotional support
the depressed would offer to their spouses would be less than the quality of
communication or support offered by the non-depressed person," doctoral
student Adrianne Frech said. "Because they need more emotional support than
a non-depressed person, depressed people may make excessive demands on their
spouses."

After reviewing the National Survey of Families and Households, Ms. Frech
and assistant professor Kristi Williams discovered that the transition into
marriage boosts psychological health for the depressed and that the quality
of their marriages was similar to that of the non-depressed.

When Ms. Frech and Ms. Williams began to re-examine the first two waves of
the survey, they realized that the depressed who married during the
five-year period in between recorded a larger decline in the survey's
depression scale than depressed singles did.

In 1987, participants were given the first wave of the survey, which
included questions about the quality of their marriages and a 12-item test
to determine whether they were depressed.

Five years later, in 1992, the participants were given the same survey and
depression test. According to the study, married participants scored, on
average, 3.42 points lower on the depression scale than their unmarried
counterparts did.

After filtering through more of the data, Ms. Frech and Ms. Williams noticed
that participants who were depressed during the first survey and got married
during the next five years recorded a 7.56 point drop on the depression
scale.

"We found that the depressed benefit significantly from a transition into
marriage," Ms. Frech said. "Their gains in psychological well-being,
relative to their non-married counterparts, were even greater than those
among previously non-depressed" participants.
  

Marriage can ease the blues in depressed people, study suggests
Times Colonist (Canada)
Reuters
June 10, 2007

If you're feeling blue, marriage could help cheer you up, according to a
U.S. study. Researchers from Ohio State University in Columbus found that
marriage provides greater psychological benefits to depressed people than to
people who are not depressed before they walk down the aisle.

This remains true even though marriage quality is poorer for depressed
individuals.

Based on previous research, we hypothesized that people who are depressed
would have worse marital quality and would therefore experience fewer
benefits from marriage but that is not what we found, researcher Adrianne
Frech said in a statement.

Frech's team, whose report appears in the June issue of the Journal of
Health and Social Behaviour, used data from the National Survey of Families
and Households to examine 3,066 unmarried people aged 55 years and under.

Using a 12-item test for depression, they considered respondents depressed
if they scored 23 or more. After a follow-up period of five years,
researchers identified people who married during the period, asked about the
quality of their marriages and how their psychological well-being had
changed.

The study excluded participants who married but divorced in the five years.

Researchers found that the participants who married within the five-year
period scored an average of about 3.5 points less on the depression test
than those who remained single. Of the depressed participants, those who got
married scored an average 7.5 points lower on the mood scale than the people
who remained single.

The non-depressed experienced a smaller change in their psychological
well-being if they got married. Results from the study confirmed that
depressed people report less marital happiness and more marital conflict but
being married enhanced their mood.
© Times Colonist (Victoria) 2007

################################
- TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR OWN HAPPINESS

Smart Marriages conference presenter and author of "Secrets of Happily
Married Men" gives "happiness secrets" for both husbands and wives in the
current on-line edition of Hitched Magazine. Scott will present twice in
Denver and also invites you to stop at his exhibit.


> 203 - Fri, June 29, Denver
> Secrets of Happily Married Women
> Scott Haltzman, MD
> Help wives become energized and find contentment in the face of the challenges
> of balancing feminist ideals, traditional roles, work, self, kids, and
> well-intentioned advice about having it all.

> 803 - Sunday July 1, Denver
> Win Your Wife’s Heart Forever
> Scott Haltzman, MD
> If we can build skyscrapers and land on Mars, we can also figure out how to
> succeed at marriage. Eight Secrets From Happily Married Men on how to win –
> and keep – the prize. For men only.



Seeing Things Differently
Having trouble seeing where your spouse is coming from sometimes? Dr. Scott
offers 8 tips to find that middle ground.
BY DR. SCOTT HALTZMAN

Why does my spouse seem to want different things from the marriage than I
do?

When my office doors open to a couple who is seeking help in their
relationship, not much time elapses before it becomes apparent that husband
and wife are looking at the same marriage from two different perspectives:
his and hers. 

It‚s common to believe that couples‚ values for happiness are worlds apart.
Actually, in most cases, husbands and wives share many values they take for
granted: they agree that they seek warmth, love, companionship, financial
security and a safe environment to raise children. So, if they‚re on the
same page with so many key issues, why do some couples have so many hard
feelings about what they don‚t have?

Human nature explains part of the issue. Normally, we don‚t notice people's
fingers, but, if they hit their thumb with a hammer, it sticks out like a
sore... well, you get the idea. For that reason, it‚s rare a couple sits
around and celebrates all the things they agree on, but when there‚s that
one point of discord, it consumes a great deal of their time and attention.

Differences in how men and women perceive things also explains why we often
feel our needs aren‚t being met. Brain studies show that men are excellent
at being able to navigate three-dimensional puzzles, but less accomplished
at perceiving subtle changes in facial expressions; day-old boys are just as
attentive to geometric objects as they are to human faces. Girls, on the
other hand pay rapt attention to faces from day one; they are more attentive
to human emotions, and seem to have more diverse brain ability to verbalize
their emotions. As boys and girls grow they are shaped by their biology and
social environment to have different strengths and weaknesses. When couples
don‚t realize these differences, it can lead to misunderstanding.

When a wife doesn‚t realize that her husband may be listening to her with
the sole intent of "solving her problems" (as he would a 3-D puzzle), she
may feel unheard and uncared about when he interrupts her with suggestions.
When a husband doesn‚t know that his wife wants to feel emotionally
connected with him, he may feel rejected when she declines his invitation to
sleep cuddled together.

Happy marriages are ones in which spouses focus on areas of agreement and
see the differences as a source of personal growth. Happy mates have the
ability to capitalize on the differences between the sexes. Here are some of
the things happily married husbands and wives have taught me:

Women: 
1. Know the things that make your man a man: Is he action oriented? Does he
need pampering? Does he need credit for his achievements? Does he have a
strong sex drive? There are many ways that your guy is different than
you˜some of them are the reasons of why you fell in love with him in the
first place. 
2. Nurture his nature: Okay, if you‚ve figured out what makes him tick, why
let those things tick you off!? Instead, go with the flow. If he needs
credit for small things, give it to him. He‚s happy, and you just saved
yourself a lot of grief!
3. Take control of your happiness: Women today have more opportunities than
ever, and unfortunately, more expectations as well. Here‚s the bottom line:
you‚ll exhaust yourself if you try to be the best at everything all the
time. Forget it. It‚s just not gonna happen. Instead, stand back and get a
sense of priorities. Then, decide where to put your efforts, and ask your
husband to fill some of the gaps. But just remember, he‚s likely to do it
his way [see (1) above].
4. Be good to yourself: a healthy diet, exercise, sex, "down" time and
maintaining friendships can all be ways of keeping your life in balance.

Men: 
1. Make sure your wife knows she‚s number one. She‚s working darn hard to
juggle all the demands of today‚s woman. She‚s got to know that you‚re
making her a priority.
2. Keep a "can do" attitude: Men sometimes feel overwhelmed with the "rules"
of marriage, and often believe that they can‚t get it right. When you take
the time to see how your wife‚s needs differ from your own, you‚ll be in a
better position to make both of you happier.
3. Get home! It‚s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and lots of guys focus on
being the best, either on the tennis court or in the board room. But don‚t
forget that your wife married you because she wanted you around. You‚ve got
to balance your priorities so that your wife feels you‚re spending enough
time by her side. 
4. Learn how to listen. Your fix-it skills propel you to respond to your
wife‚s conversations by either jumping in with suggestions (because you
think that‚s what she needs) or just tuning out (if you think there‚s
nothing you can do). There‚s always something you can do, and usually it
involves supporting your wife and providing a caring ear. Listening is an
important way to make her feel there is an emotional connection˜often a
prerequisite to a great sex life.

When husband and wife can learn to respect their differences, and act in
ways that honor those distinctions, they find the key to fulfilling the
needs of their partner.

###############################

- SEPARATE BEDROOMS

Separate Bedrooms: Not your mother’s (or father’s) Marriage
Newsreleasewire.com
Ventura County, CA 
June 11 2007
 
Yesterday I talked with a very angry woman who was ‘sick and tired’ of
shaping her entire existence around the needs of her husband. “Yet,” she
said, “I love him to pieces. How can I find my own direction, satisfy my
needs for creating something that is wholly mine, lift the cloud I feel all
the time … and still not threaten or alienate him?”

Her husband sat there looking at her and he had tears in the corners of his
eyes. “I want you to be all the woman you can be,” he said. “What do you
want me to do?”

Men ask that question a lot. What do you want me to do? I suppose doing has
been our thing since we killed our first deer trying our best to provide for
our families. This woman didn’t want her husband to do anything. She wanted
to do something and she wanted to do it in a mature and conscious way – a
way that wouldn’t drive him away.

In the newly released book, With These Rings, Stephen Frueh, M.Div, PhD,
offers a unique and intriguing model for redefining marriage. Perhaps it
would be better to say re-imagining marriage. We live in an old paradigm,
one that constricts where constriction has little value and often does great
harm. We live, with minor variations, much like our parents lived.

In that paradigm, I sometimes call it the “matching sweatshirts” model of
marriage, love is seen through the lenses of compatibility, conformity,
compromise and minimal risk taking. A ‘good’ marriage is one where ‘we
seldom fight,’ we anticipate each other’s needs, we reassure each other in
adolescent ways and we rarely celebrate individual growth.

Conflict degrades to arguments, sex is flat lined, intimate conversations
are infrequent or non existent and entertainment modules rule the living
room and bedroom. We see couples in restaurants staring out the window with
little to say to each other. We listen to men’s jokes about their wives –
mostly unflattering, and women’s cynical painful humor about husbands (a
woman I coached several years ago, a mother of two small boys liked to say
“I have three children” and thought that everyone around her thought it was
funny).

We ask ‘why not embrace fully the individual you are and are meant to be?”
Can your marriage contain and celebrate two fully realized individuals
without falling apart? And so, the issue of separate bedrooms.

If you don’t take it literally for a minute, imagine that you started out
married living in separate bedrooms. Imagine a life where you fully loved
someone but came together (as you did when dating) by invitation and
intention instead of by habit and routine.

Imagine a life where you practiced consciousness of your separateness so
that a decision to spend an evening talking was intentional and delicious.
Imagine a life where your bedroom looked like you – your idiosyncrasies,
your history, your interests, your style. Then imagine your partner doing
the same.

I know for certain that when mature men marry, the home they create with
their partner often doesn’t reflect the individuality of their ‘bachelor’
pad. And I’ve known women who, after divorce, have claimed a joyous freedom
in setting up their new home “exactly as I’ve always wanted it to be.”

Why not create spaces within your marriage that truly represent you, give
you privacy and create mystery? Doing so may very well inject new life,
unexpected discoveries, and a fresh approach to intimacy that your old model
couldn’t offer.

“We don’t have the space to do that,” a couple I coach recently told me.
“Great,” I said. “Why not take the space you have and begin brainstorming
your individual desires within that space. Take a corner of the living room
and make it “his” and another corner “hers.” You could do something in the
bedroom as well. Switch responsibilities for choosing bedspreads, window
coverings and other ‘changeables.’

The idea is to work towards inviting more not less individual expression
within the home you share. Of course this is not a panacea for all that
challenges you. But reconnecting with your own individuality while at the
same time affirming your deep connection and desire for one another, is a
good place to start.

If we don’t, every day will look a lot like yesterday.


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11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
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