Taking Space | It's all about Expectation | Temporary Marriage | Project Everlasting -6/3/07

[Smartmarriages]

- MANAGED SEPARATIONS
- BEFORE YOU SEPARATE, DECIDE ON SOME RULES
- MISERY: THE SECRET TO [MARITAL] HAPPINESS
- TEMPORARY MARRIAGE: BY ANY OTHER NAME.....
- PROJECT EVERLASTING ON TODAY SHOW AND FOX

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- MANAGED SEPARATIONS

The Relationship Tips column in USA Weekend, appearing in hundreds of papers
across the country today, features Denver Smart Marriages presenter, Bob
Buchicchio and his book "Taking Space".  It also features Lee Raffel, author
of "Controlled Separation" who has presented at Smart Marriages the past
four years.  Sometimes the best way to help couples avoid divorce is to
provide structure and controlled guidance to those who are at the end of
their tether and who are determined to "take some space".   - diane

> 711 - Denver, Sunday, July 1, 10:30am
> Taking Space
> Robert Buchicchio, MSW
> This 10-step guide provides rules and structure for marital separations
> (physical or emotional) to help couples resolve impasses and make better
> decisions. Plus a Relationship Commitment scale.

And, you can order the recording of Lee Raffel's 2006 conference workshop:
> #756-703 - Atlanta, 2006 - order at 800-241-7785
> Divorce Prevention: Controlled Separation
> Lee Raffel, MSW, Elsie Radtke, MEd, Kim Hagerty, MA
> Help stalemated couples restore their marriage using time-limited guidelines,
> assessment, contracts and ³active waiting² skills that put children first and
> avoid extended-family trauma.

- BEFORE YOU SEPARATE, DECIDE ON SOME RULES
June 3, 2007
Weekend USA
Dennie Hughes

Before you separate, decide on some rules

It seems like couples who say they are "separated but working on" their
marriages never get back together. Can taking a break in your marriage ever
end up back in "happily ever after"?
C.T., Ohio
Tell the kids you're taking a break, and don't promise that you'll get back
together.

A majority of couples try separating or at least contemplate it during the
course of their marriage, says Bob Buchicchio, author of "Taking Space: How
to Use Separation to Explore the Future of Your Relationship." Couples who
successfully get back together spent their time apart working on their
relationship.

Wisconsin marriage therapist Lee Raffel, who has helped many couples reunite
in her 30-plus years of counseling, says separation, unlike divorce, doesn't
have hard, fast rules: "Once apart, couples have no idea what they are
supposed to do next: Do they see other people to see what it feels like? Do
they contact lawyers just in case?"

The key, she believes, is "controlled separation," in which both parties
sign a contract promising not to pursue divorce while apart or date others.

Some separation guidelines:

Know the whys. You can't fix something unless you know where the break
occurred. Think about when things began to change. Whether it's related to
an affair, a new baby, an empty nest or a new job, your spouse deserves a
well-thought-out answer to the question, "But why?"

Set ground rules. Raffel advises that you both commit to a three-month term
with an option to renew, long enough to work things through but short enough
to be able to address issues such as living conditions. Will the separation
be in-house, or will one of you move out? Work out how you will spend time
with the kids. And no dating allowed.

Understand your needs. When pursuing a separation, ask yourself what you
hope to get out of it and what you want to focus on. Are you committed but
struggling with new issues? Do you have pent-up frustrations with your
partner that came to a boil (like wanting greater openness, more or better
sex, or help with housework), and how do you expect him or her to change?

No surprises. If you really want to work on your relationship, let your
spouse know you're considering a separation before you put any exit plans in
place or before he or she hears it from someone else.

Don't forget the kids. Tell your children you're taking a break to work on
the relationship. Don't make promises you might not be able to keep. All
kids have divorce phobia: If they ask questions, just say, "We don't know
what's going to happen, but we promise to keep you informed as soon as we
do."

Listen to learn. When you're ready to talk, try not to interrupt or argue.
Don't make it a contest of "who is more responsible." Instead, think of
solutions.

http://www.usaweekend.com/07_issues/070603/070603relationtips.html

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- MISERY: THE SECRET TO [MARITAL] HAPPINESS

Misery: the secret to happiness
BBC News
June 1, 2007 

(( As we keep saying, helping couples know what to expect in marriage ­ what
to expect along the way ­ is one of the most important streams of Marriage
Education. Another is to learn the skills they'll need to manage the rough
patches and predictable challenges (the "for worse") and work their way back
to the "for better".  - diane ))
 
The key to a happy relationship could be accepting that some miserable times
are unavoidable, experts say.

Therapists from California State University and Virginia Tech University say
accepting these problems is better than striving for perfection.

And they blame cultural fairytales and modern love stories for perpetuating
the myth that enjoying a perfect relationship is possible.

The report was published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

The pursuit of relationship nirvana can be potentially damaging Jan Parker
The authors, Dr Diane Gehart and Dr Eric McCollum say it is a "myth that,
with enough effort we can achieve a state without suffering."

And they say healthcare professionals may not be helping the situation.
"The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of
"mental health," which implies a state without suffering," they say.

Potentially damaging
But this belief can eventually cause people to believe that with enough
effort they can eliminate suffering.

And experts say this is an unrealistic aim in relationships, and striving to
achieve it can lead people to feel they have failed.

Jan Parker of the Association of Family Therapy said: "The authors are right
to point out that the pursuit of relationship nirvana can be potentially
damaging." 

She said it was important to explore what people mean by a happy and healthy
relationship, because nobody's life or relationship can be in a permanent
state of happiness - there will always be more difficult times.

She said couples need to build strengths, such as understanding, in their
relationships to help them cope in these hard times and appreciate the good
times. 

Mrs Nadine Field, a consultant psychologist, said it was a "fantasy" that
any relationship could be perfect and that striving for such an impossible
state could lead to bitter disappointment.

She said this disappointment could then cause people to focus on the
negative aspects of a relationship, and lead to more disappointment and
resentment. 

She said: "People need to try to understand their partners through
communication, rather than demanding perfection of them."

Meditation 
The authors recommend using mindfulness, a Buddhist meditation technique, to
help cope with family suffering.

The technique requires individuals to focus on their present thoughts and
actions, and is already used by some psychiatrists in the UK.

They say although Buddhism is considered a major religion, the technique is
taken from Buddhist psychology which could be useful aside from Buddhism's
spiritual beliefs and practices.

The authors say family therapists can integrate the principles into their
work to help patients change the way they relate to the forms of suffering
that can occur in intimate relationships, such as abuse, divorce, rejection,
and loss. 

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- TEMPORARY MARRIAGE: BY ANY OTHER NAME.....

> Iranian Minister Calls for Temporary Marriages to Fulfill Sexual Desires
> Sunday, June 03, 2007
> 
> TEHRAN, Iran ‹  Iran's hard-line interior minister is encouraging temporary
> marriages as a way to avoid extramarital sex, a stance many in this
> conservative country fear would instead encourage prostitution.
> 
> A temporary marriage, or "sigheh," refers to a Shiite Muslim tradition under
> which a man and a woman sign a contract that allows them to be "married" for
> any length of time, even a few hours. An exchange of money, as a sort of
> dowry, is often involved.
> 
> Although the practice exists, it's not very common in Iran, a Shiite majority
> nation where many consider it a license for prostitution. Others, however,
> have advocated institutionalizing the tradition, saying it would help fight
> "illicit" sex in a country where sexual relations outside marriage are banned
> under Islamic law.
> 
> "Temporary marriage is God's rule. We must aggressively encourage that,"
> state-run television quoted Interior Minister Mostafa Pourmohammadi as saying.

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- PROJECT EVERLASTING ON TODAY AND FOX

The Today Show June 5th (Tues) and Fox & Friends June 7th (Thurs) to kick
off their 9 city book tour in June:
www.projecteverlasting.com/upcoming_appearances.html

This is the project described as: "two bachelors¹ quest to discover what it
takes to make a beautiful marriage. For four years, Mat Boggs and Jason
Miller have crisscrossed the nation to get answers to their pressing
relationship questions from the real experts ‹ not therapists or academic
types ‹ but the couples who¹ve walked the talk to over 40 years of loving
matrimony: America¹s Marriage Masters. Their feature-length documentary,
³Project Everlasting: The Search for America¹s Greatest Marriages Begins!,²
features the interviews that have made the biggest impact on their hearts.
Their book, ³Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Search for
America¹s Greatest Marriages,² chronicles their journey into the hearts and
homes of the nation¹s finest role models for lifelong love.

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11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
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Download a brochure: http://www.smartmarriages.com/Brochure.07.pdf


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