How to Talk to Your Spouse - Silently | Survey: Actions Speak - 7/10/07

[Smartmarriages]

- HOW TO TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE
- PROOF THAT ACTIONS SOMETIMES SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

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- HOW TO TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE

[This article ran during the Denver conference and features an interview
with Pat Love co-presenter of a keynote banquet with her "HOW TO IMPROVE
YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT" co-author, Steven Stosny.  Order the
session on DVD, CD, or MP3 download at:
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com

> #757-011 - How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It!
> Pat Love, EdD and Steven Stosny, PhD
> "Honey, can we talk" can be the most feared words in the English language.
> Learn an approach that combines new brain research and a set of brief
> behaviors guaranteed to strengthen marriage. Best of all, men can do it
> without feeling they have to talk and behave like women.]


How to talk to your spouse (silently)
By Colleen O'Connor
Denver Post Staff Writer
06/26/2007 

Pat Love, co-author of the new book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without
Talking About It," is past president of the International Association for
Marriage and Family Counseling. She's interested in new brain science, how
it has documented the differences between men and women, and how
understanding those differences can help improve marriages without talking.

1. Think connection, not communication.
Women talk to connect, but men connect to talk. When a man is connected he
will talk just as much as a woman. MRI studies show that women get a
dopamine rush and a boost in the feel-good hormone oxytocin from talking.

2. Respect the male way of connecting.
It helps to use the acronym "ROCK STAR." "STAR" is the man. "S" is for sex,
which floods the body with oxytocin, and it takes a lot of that for men to
feel bonded. "T" is for touch. Men need two to three times more touching
than a woman to feel that same bonding from oxytocin. "A" is for
appreciation. Women don't understand how much it pleases a man to please
her. "R" is routine. Men love routine. Don't start a deep conversation when
he's in his routine of reading The Wall Street Journal.

3. Respect the female way of connection
This is the "ROCK" acronym. "R" is for routinely making connection with her.
Build that into your routine. Brush your teeth, kiss your wife, pour your
coffee, pour her coffee. "O" is open your heart to her. Women are sensitive
to isolation, silence, neglect and deprivation. Let her know what you're
thinking and feeling. You can e-mail, text message, or leave a rose on her
pillow. "C" is contact. Consciously keep contact in your mind. "K" is "keep
it positive." A male's voice is designed for roaring, and they don't realize
how scary roaring is for women.

4. Be aware that your silence scares her.
Women's coping style is to "tend and befriend." When stressed, they want to
reach out. So when a man is silent and busy, even if he's bustling to make
money for the family, she feels anxious. It evokes fear and pain in her.

5. Know that he's afraid of looking weak.
Men are sensitive to feeling inadequate and disappointing you. It's a
cortisol dump for them and activates the same part of the brain as when they
feel physical pain. If you just honor each other's vulnerabilities, you can
improve any relationship without talking about it.

- Colleen O'Connor, Denver Post staff writer

Pat Love will speak at the 11th annual Smart Marriages conference,
Thursday-Sunday at the Adam's Mark Hotel, 1550 Court Place. The public can
browse through more than 100 exhibits for free, or, on Sunday, can choose
from 18 Smart Marriage & Family Expo seminars that run 3-4:30 p.m. and
attend for $15 per person. Information at smartmarriages.com.

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- PROOF THAT ACTIONS SOMETIMES SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

Doing it together boosts fertility and reduces divorce risk
Dewi Cooke
The Age (Australia)
July 10, 2007


> for every extra hour of housework men did, their risk of divorce decreased by
> 51 per cent. . . .
> as women's share of housework increased, the chance of having more children
> became 10 times less likely.

MEN looking to do their bit for the nation by helping boost Australia's
fertility might like to take a good look at whether they are pulling their
weight around the house.

Research to be presented at a major social policy conference in Sydney this
week suggests that women who shoulder the burden of unpaid domestic work at
home are less likely to have more than one child, while equal partnerships
are more likely to produce a second baby.

Lyn Craig and Pooja Sawrikar, of the University of New South Wales' Social
Policy Research Centre, analysed four years of data from the Household,
Income and Labor Dynamics survey and their preliminary results found a
statistical link between domestic work, fertility and relationship
breakdown.

The research found that as women's share of housework increased, the chance
of having more children became 10 times less likely.

It also found that for every extra hour of housework men did, their risk of
divorce decreased by 51 per cent.

Dr Craig said that there was a perception that domestic inequality between
partners was private and not an issue for governments, but the social
consequences of such a dynamic could have broad impact.

"Women have started working and men haven't started really doing more in the
home," she said. "Largely that is to do with workplace presumptions about
full-time employment and the ideal worker being unencumbered by care and it
still becomes a problem for women. This shows that you need to start
thinking about men's lives and how to make it possible for them to take that
next step and I would say that employment situation is where you look."

The HILDA data showed women on average did 21.54 hours of housework a week
compared with 6.07 hours for men. Latest census results also found that
women do more than twice as many hours of unpaid domestic work as men.
Perceptions of fair domestic workloads also influenced the chances of
relationship survival. Although women did 75 per cent of the housework, 61
per cent of men thought they did their fair share. Researchers found that as
relationships broke down, divorce was 50 times more likely if men thought
they were doing more than their fair share while if women thought their
share was more than fair divorce was 16.7 per cent more likely.

Dr Craig said the research highlighted a "potential issue" that she hoped
would be backed up by subsequent analysis, but the preliminary results
indicated how important it was to include men's concerns and views in policy
development.

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