Retrouvaille | New Marriage Show on HBO | Adult Child of Divorce | -7.13/07

[Smartmarriages]

- RETROUVAILLE 
- TELL ME YOU LOVE ME
- ADULT CHILD OF DIVORCE

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- RETROUVAILLE 

Local program aims to save marriages
Coopers Plains couple who went through Retrouvaille program are now regional
coordinators.
By John P. Cleary
Star-Gazette (Elmira, NY)
July 13, 2007 

[[I refer more callers to Retrouvaille than any other. Because most don't
call until their marriage is in deep trouble and that's the Retrouvaille
focus: couples on the brink of divorce. Also, because the Retrouvaille
ministry is run by lay mentor couples and is "by donation" - you pay what
you feel you can afford in a private envelope donation system.
They can't fix every marriage but, so far, they've had an amazing
record with my referrals. If you don't have a Retrouvaille program in your
community, start one!   Website: http://www.retrouvaille.org
Phone: 800-470-2230  And, to learn how (and why) to get started, listen to a
recording from Smart Marriages. They present each year and were Impact Award
winners in '05.  - diane

>> #755-506 (order at 800-241-7785)
>> Retrouvaille: No Such Thing as A Hopeless Case
>> Jeff and Donna Heusler
>> Restore even the most troubled marriages by creating and/or referring couples
>> to a Retrouvaille program in your community in which those who have "been to
>> the brink" teach others how to heal.]]


Back in the early 1990s, Dave and Sherrie Thurkins of Coopers Plains were
going through a difficult time in their marriage. If it wasn't for the motel
business they operated together, Sherrie says, they might already have
divorced.

Then a friend gave her a brochure about a Retrouvaille program for troubled
marriages. They went to the weekend-long program and a few weeks of
follow-up meetings that, they both said, saved their marriage.

"We attended in 1993, and we're still married, so I guess it took pretty
well," Dave says.

Now, they are regional coordinators for the program, which begins a new
session July 27 to 29 at Watson Homestead in Painted Post. The session is
for couples considering separation or are separated or divorced but still
interested in healing their marriage.

It is NOT a counseling session or encounter group, Sherrie says. Couples
like the Thurkins will give presentations on their marital problems and how
they overcame them, she said. Between lectures, participating couples will
have some private time to discuss what they're learning. After the weekend
session, the couples continue to meet for a few hours every few weeks to
continue their work.

Getting together with strangers for a program that looks at private matters
sounds pretty intimidating, but Sherrie says she alleviates some couples'
fears by telling them they won't be talking about their family problems.

"The fact is, they aren't asked to share anything on the weekend," she says.
"We tell them we are absolutely not counselors. All we can do is share our
stories and hope it touches them somewhere, AND TEACH THEM A NEW METHOD OF
COMMUNICATION."

Retrouvaille is a Catholic program, but it is open to people of all faiths
and backgrounds. It takes its name from a French word that means
"rediscovery." The program's emphasis is on learning how to communicate with
a partner.

For the Thurkins, Retrouvaille became a big part of their married life.
After finishing their post-weekend sessions, they became involved in a group
of other couples who had gone through the process. It has become a kind of
support group, Dave said, where they can share ideas with other couples
about how to keep their marriages strong.

"It's a process really, not just an event," he says. "Anybody who has been
married knows you have to continue to work on your marriage to keep it
stable and fresh."

#################################

- TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

Honest Look at Marriage? You Mean That Sex Show?
New York Times
July 12, 2007 

[Not due till the fall, but this new HBO series certainly sounds
interesting. - diane ]

> Instead ³Tell Me You Love Me² is a peeling-the-onion sort of series about the
> difficulties of being in a long-term relationship: the miscommunications, the
> tiny betrayals and the constant assessing of which partner is sacrificing more
> for the good of the team.
> 
> Many of these issues are revealed as the couples sit side by side on a gray
> couch in the sparsely decorated office of Dr. May Foster (Jane Alexander), a
> poised, snowy-haired therapist they¹re seeing in hope of repairing their
> eroding relationships. It is part of the quirky integrity of the show that
> viewers get a glimpse of the sex life of the therapist too. Maybe it¹s because
> Dr. Foster¹s marriage of 43 years is solid, and she has no privacy-draining
> children. . . . 

> She also promised HBO one thing that viewers would never ever see ‹
> extramarital infidelity. ³This show is about people who want to stay
> together,² Ms. Mort said. ³I told them, ŒNO ONE WILL EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR.¹ ²
> 

For full article with photos:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/12/arts/television/12love.html?_r=1&ref=telev
ision&oref=slogin

###################
- ADULT CHILD OF DIVORCE

Divorce kid takes cautious steps toward marriage
By Mike Osegueda / The Fresno Bee
07/13/07

My biggest fear in life is divorce.

I've lived through it. I've seen what it does to families, to kids. I know
the hurt involved, the questions, the scars, the insecurities, the baggage.

I'm a product of divorce -- and, as I learned approaching a marriage of my
own, it messed me up pretty good in the relationship department.

Many women, including my fiancée, dream about their wedding since the days
of dressing up Barbies. Me? I always feared marriage. From everything I
knew, from the relationships I'd seen, marriage was just a step toward
divorce.

I grew up wondering what it was like having Mom and Dad, as opposed to
having Mom and having Dad.

There was a time when my parents loved each other; I'm sure of it. But I
never knew it. It was gone before I started forming memories.

All I remember is being carted back and forth on the weekends, splitting
time during the holidays, the bickering about who was going to pay for what.
I remember Mom, and I remember Dad.

After my parents separated, theirs have been anything but gold-star examples
of healthy relationships. Dad is on wife No. 3. And I've heard Mom mutter
the dreaded D-word a few times, but luckily for my 11-year-old sister, it
hasn't gone that far.

Even with the best relationship I ever was around -- that of my grandparents
-- I still had to learn at a young age why Grandpa had grandkids that
weren't Grandma's. They were from a first wife.

Compare this with my fiancée's family. It's her, her brother, Mom and Dad.
Simple. Normal. TV-like.

You can imagine the conflict once we started to get serious. When marriage
became a possibility, our two very different relationship experiences showed
themselves.

She was eager for the fairy tale, to get the dog and the picket fence, to
live happily ever after.

I was snaillike in my approach, dissecting details, making sure everything
was right, fearing what I come from. I couldn't help it. Those who cannot
learn from history are forced to repeat it, right?

For a while, she probably thought I never would ask the big question. I
wouldn't be surprised if she was close to giving up on me.

But I was carrying two botched relationships on my shoulders. I needed to
make sure I was stepping onto concrete, not quicksand.

What propelled us forward -- and I know a lot of old-fashioned people will
hate me for saying this -- was living together.

Yes, yes, I know, we were living in sin. It wasn't a popular decision with
some members of her family, either. But for me, it was something I needed.
It provided the reassurance that my head needed to agree with my heart. I
needed to know we could function on a day-to-day basis and not hate each
other.

I'll take that over tradition any day. Especially when there's the looming
fear of waking up two years after saying "I do" -- like my parents did --
and having to acknowledge that we made a mistake.

I'll be damned if I put my life on repeat for another generation. I want my
kids to know Mom and Dad.

#############################

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