Set your Tivo/ Hitched/ Redbook - Love Code Words / Eyes/ Living Without a husband - 1/17/07

[Smartmarriages]

- BIRTHDAYS WITHOUT PRESSURE ON TODAY SHOW THURS 9:05AM
- HITCHED MAGAZINE 
- AND, ANOTHER CORRECTION
- LOOK INTO MY EYES
- "UNHITCHED" (WOMEN LIVING WITHOUT HUSBANDS)

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- BIRTHDAYS WITHOUT PRESSURE ON TODAY SHOW THURS 9:05AM
 
The Birthdays Without Pressure campaign has resulted in a media frenzy.
Bill Doherty will be on the Today Show tomorrow, Thurs Jan 18, at 9:05am.
Also, many of you have asked, and, yes, there is a website:
www.BirthdaysWithoutPressure.org

All the networks including 20/20 and the AP covered the launch last night in
Minneapolis and it's been on radio all over the country.  Bill says the
stories pour in - every reporter can relate, and the anchors at the end of
the segments are heard to say things like "It's about time." The examples
also cross cultures and economic class. It's definitely an idea to feature
in your marriage strengthening community efforts and newsletters.
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- HITCHED MAGAZINE 
Oops. As many of you have pointed out I wrote hitched.com in the header. The
correct url address for the free calendar listings is hitchedmag.com.  And,
as many of you also pointed out it is amazing how many entities are out
there that use the term "hitched". Someone said over three MILLION hits if
you google that term.  - diane

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- AND, ANOTHER CORRECTION
Redbook promptly pointed out to me this morning that I attributed the poll
asking women "if they would trade in their husbands" to Redbook when it was
a Women's Day poll.  My apologies.  And, this gives me perfect opening to
send you another great marriage article in the current Redbook. It quotes
Pat Love and gives lots of very practical pointers to use in your own
marriage or your work with couples:

__________________________
> THE SECRET WAYS YOU SAY "I LOVE YOU"
> Do you and he have a code word that means "Want you!"? A look that says "Love
> you"? A classic line from The Simpsons that stops a fight in its tracks? Find
> out why this sexy, sweet shorthand means even more than you know.
> 
> With three kids in the house, Stacie Zaragosa and her husband, Ricardo, have
> to get creative when they want to escape the crowd. So this Winsted, CT,
> couple have come up with a secret code phrase that lets them slip up to the
> bedroom, no questions asked. "One of us will say, 'I think we should both go
> upstairs and fold the laundry,' " says Stacie, 34. "The kids would never go
> near laundry, so it's a safe bet!"
> 
> Whatever your secret code is, speaking a private language doesn't just give
> you two a charge - it actually has the power to strengthen your bond. "Public
> displays of commitment - such as having a signal at a party to let each other
> know you're bored and want to leave - are better predictors of a couple's
> longevity and stability than public displays of affection, according to a
> recent study," says therapist PAT LOVE, coauthor of the upcoming book How to
> Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. "That's because these acts
> show nonverbally that you think as a couple, that your partner's having a good
> time is as important as your having a good time, and that your commitment to
> each other is bigger than your commitment to almost anything else." (Not
> taking sides against your spouse in a heated cocktail-party political debate -
> or even something as simple as finishing your meals at more or less the same
> time - also counts as public displays of commitment.)
> 
> "Communicating in code reinforces your solidarity and rapport," adds Diana
> Boxer, Ph.D., a professor of linguistics at the University of Florida. "It not
> only shows off your identity as a couple, it actually strengthens it, and that
> makes you feel more connected."
> 
> Where Do Codes Come From?
> Three words: your shared history. "When couples have a meaningful experience
> together, they tend to use a word or phrase as a shorthand way of evoking the
> entire experience," .......


To read and print out (it's a keeper!) the long article vist MSNBC's
Lifestyle page: 
http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/LoveandRomance/ArticleRB.aspx?cp-docu
mentid=1619847

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- LOOK INTO MY EYES

For Human Eyes Only
Jan 13, 2007 
New York Times 

> . . . Why should humans be so different? And yet we are. We can¹t fool anyone.
> The whites of our eyes are several times larger than those of other primates,
> which makes it much easier to see where the eyes, as opposed to the head, are
> pointed. Trying to explain this trait leads us into one of the deepest and
> most controversial topics in the modern study of human evolution: the
> evolution of cooperation.

FASCINATING and helps explain why the dialogue process advises couples to
sit knee-to-knee when they talk or why we often say "please look at me" when
we're "communicating" with our spouse. ...
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/13/opinion/13tomasello.html?_r=1&n=Top%2fNews
%2fScience%2fTopics%2fEvolution&oref=slogin

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- "UNHITCHED" (WOMEN LIVING WITHOUT HUSBANDS)

Elizabeth Marquardt, author of Between Two Worlds who will again present at
Smart Marriages in 2007, did such a good job with this one yesterday on the
Family Scholars Blog, that I'll just forward her full comment:
 
> Elizabeth: According to a front page article in the NYT 1/16/07 on analysis of
census data:
> 
>>     ³This is yet another of the inexorable signs that there is no going back
>> to a world where we can assume that marriage is the main institution that
>> organizes people¹s lives,² said Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public
>> education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research
>> group. ³Most of these women will marry, or have married. But on average,
>> Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.²
> 
> Elizabeth: And of course, gotta have this:
> 
>>     ³This is yet another of the inexorable signs that there is no going back
>> to a world where we can assume that marriage is the main institution that
>> organizes people¹s lives,² said Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public
>> education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research
>> group. ³Most of these women will marry, or have married. But on average,
>> Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.²
> 
> Elizabeth: And yet it¹s clear that children, on average, do better when raised
> by their own, two married parents ­ and about 60 percent of U.S. children are
> currently in families with their own two married parents. So, do we give up on
> the whole thing? (Or, to quote the hopeful, oh-so-impartial NYT reporter, do
> we hope that ³Šthe trend could ultimately shape social and workplace policies,
> including the ways government and employers distribute benefitsŠ², i.e.,
> abolish all distinctions between marriage and non-marriage, in part but not
> only by welcoming same-sex marriage?)  Accept a hooking up, hanging out,
> fragmentary model of family life in which children pass in and out of unions
> throughout their childhoods, with all the risks that entails? Just advocate
> for government benefits (and I¹m all for well-structured government benefits,
> by the way) and a few employer practices that can never, on their own, replace
> what stable families do for their children?
> 
> Or, believe in the possibility of renewing a marriage culture?
> 
> You know where I stand. - Elizabeth Marquardt

To read the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/16/us/16census.html?hp&ex=1168923600&en=85076
15d5bdf468e&ei=5094&partner=homepage

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