Weigh In!/ High School /Vows /20/20: Marry Your Baby Daddy/ Getting Organized - 1/08/08

[Smartmarriages]

- TAKE A MINUTE AND WEIGH IN
- HIGH SCHOOL SUGGESTIONS
- VOWS: ODDS ARE....
- 20/20 LOOKING FOR COUPLES
- POST HOLIDAY DIVORCES
- FIRST THINGS FIRST NEWSLETTER: GETTING ORGANIZED

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- TAKE A MINUTE AND WEIGH IN
So many of you are so eloquent. Here's your chance. - diane

> Diane, Please ask folks to visit the St. Petersburg Times website to weigh in
> on their series on the marriage initiative from the positive perspective. I
> just visited and the blog at the bottom of the More Perfect Unions article was
> populated by the skeptics. We need positives out there too!
> http://www.sptimes.com/2007/01/07/State/More_perfect_unions.shtml

> Barbara Foster 
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- HIGH SCHOOL SUGGESTIONS

Dear Ms. Faust,

It's great to hear of your desire to have your peer educators promote
Marriage Week. This idea may be lame in the eyes of your kids, but maybe you
could adapt it in some way. My suggestion is to stage a debate, or an essay
contest with winners being put in the school paper or a poll (with a
followup handout given out later) that deals with such topics as:

"Why get married?"
"Is 'falling in love' the basis for a lasting relationship?"
"Is living together the same as marriage?"
"Does living together prepare you for marriage?"
If you have a lot of east Asians, Hasidic Jews  or other groups that have
arranged marriages in your community, you could ask, "Can arranged marriages
work?"
And if you want to make sure every kid in town hears about this activity,
ask, "Is there any advantage to being a virgin before marriage?"

When I speak to teens, I put out one of these beliefs out at a time for
small groups to discuss, and they are to figure out how the ideas might be
true and how they might be false. It's pretty lively and they always
appreciate it.

John Williams, MRE
CouplesLearningCenter.com

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- VOWS: ODDS ARE....

> Dear Diane,
> Just a quick comment abut the "VOWS" story of the two people who broke up
> their marriages to marry each other. The title: "An Illicit Yoga Love Story"..
> "illicit" and "love story" sounds like an oxymoron to me. Based on the general
> statistics for the long-term success of second marriages that result from an
> affair (about 70% chance of divorce), it's very unlikely that this "love
> story" will have a happy ending for anyone.
> Peggy Vaughan
> peggy at dearpeggy.com

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Diane, 
Can you please distribute this to your list?

> Marry Your Baby Daddy, Inc.
> January 05, 2007
> Marry Your Baby Daddy Day is looking for unwed couples with children in the
> New York City area. Couples should already live together, engaged couples with
> no wedding date are preferred, but not mandatory. Wedding is scheduled for
> Sept 2007.  Couples must be comfortable being televised. ABC NEWS 20/20 will
> be documenting the planning and activities for a few months.
> 
> Please forward this email or simply respond if you are interested. Nominations
> are not accepted. Couples must apply directly. Marry Your Baby Daddy Day 2005
> was featured in The Baltimore Sun, CNN, The New York Daily News, The New
> Yorker, Fox News, Essence, The Wendy Williams Experience and more. Please
> visit website for photos and other info. You may also call 212 946 5164 or
> email. 
> Maryann Reid 
> email: mreidwrites at aol.com
> web: http://www.marryyourbabydaddy.com

Here's a clip from a 10/03/05 post to the Smart Marriages listserv that
explains the idea of these free weddings:

> - TEN COUPLES MARRY THEIR "BABY DADDY" IN MASS MARRIAGE
> African American Healthy Marriage Initiative ListServ
> September 29, 2005
> 
> It's the last line of this article that is the most amazing:
>> Reid picked the lucky couples from more than 500 applicants. There were 500
>> additional couples interested in getting married if the ceremony and
>> reception were paid for.  - diane
> 
> Ten couples tied the knot Thursday afternoon as part of Marry Your Baby's
> Daddy Day at the House of the Lord Church in Fort Greene, Brooklyn.
> 
> The organizer of the mass marriage and author of the book "Marry Your Baby
> Daddy" says the idea is to promote families in the black community.
> 
> ³I hope the photos of these 10 couples go across the country and motivate
> other couples, other families from all backgrounds to get married, make a
> commitment to your family and your children,² said author Maryann Reid. ³I
> really feel that in our community our children are being raised in homes
> that are broken, and we need to change that and it can start with us today.²
> 
> After the ceremonies, the newlyweds took limos downtown to Borough Hall for
> the reception. 
> 
> Among the couples are Millicent Ellis and Gary James. They have been
> together for 12 years, and share three kids.
> 
> They say various factors held them back from taking the vows.
> 
> ³Females always want to get married, have the ring, the husband,² said
> James. ³Guys, they don't really care. But it's a good thing. It's long
> overdue.² 
> 
> ³Even though we were together so long, you hold back on a little bit, just
> until you become mister and missus. Then you give your all,² said Ellis.
> ³But it will just make it better.²
> 
> ³If we want our children to value the whole sanctity of marriage, the whole
> idea of becoming one, you have to lead by example,² said bride Karen Hing.
> 
> ³We wanted to set an example for our daughter,² added bride Likeyma White.
> ³We wanted to be married so she could, you know, everyone is supposed to
> have the same last name, and what's going on here? But it's important for us
> to break the train, to start something new.²
> 
> Reid picked the lucky couples from more than 500 applicants.

Additional stories on "Marry Your Baby Daddy" the Smart Marriages listserv
for background.  Hope you will forward this request and help find couples
that 1) want to marry and 2) want to serve as leaders in their community. -
diane 
> http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2006-April/003004.html

> http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2005-September/002805.html

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- POST HOLIDAY DIVORCES

Today's The Day For Getting Divorced
08 Jan 2007
Fox News, Washington DC

More people will start divorce proceedings today than on any other day of
the year.

Christmas is being blamed for putting the nail in the coffin of many
marriages - and divorce lawyers say this is their busiest time.

James Stewart, of Manches LLP, said: "Extra time together can force problems
that already exist in the relationship to come to a head.

"We're expecting this to be our busiest day and indeed our busiest week."

The survey for website insidedivorce.com, questioned 100 leading divorce
lawyers.

A separate survey of 2,000 people found that for those divorcing, 27% said
the defining moment was finding out that their partner was having an affair.

More than half (54%) said they had discovered their partner's infidelity for
themselves, one in five people confessed, 4% said they were told by the
other man or woman, and one in 100 were told by text or letter.

Falling out of love was the second most popular reason for ending a
marriage, at 22%, while 15.9% of women and 6% of men cited a serious
incident of abuse.

Of the factors which contributed to marriage breakdown, but were not the
breaking point, 42% said infidelity was the biggest problem, with 34%
listing abuse and 29% saying they were bored in their relationship.

Other key problems included lack of sex, financial disagreements, alcohol or
drug abuse, debt, and careers or hobbies taking priority.

The research showed that one in five marriages is on shaky ground and also
confirmed the "seven year itch", with couples being married on average for
seven years and three months before realizing it is not working out.

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- FIRST THINGS FIRST NEWSLETTER: GETTING ORGANIZED

I'm sharing this from the First Things First Newsletter to spark ideas about
a different kind of marriage-strengthening article - a way to add variety
for your readers and we all know that one of the top five things couples
fight about is that four letter word: TIME.  - diane

> Getting Organized
> 
> How many times have you said to yourself, “If only I had more hours in my day
> to get everything done?”
> 
> Professional Organizer, Julie Bestry would be rich today if she had a dime for
> every time she has heard that statement. Her job is to help people organize
> their lives to help increase productivity and reduce stress.
> 
> “I work with many parents who find themselves running in the fast lane
> constantly looking for ways to simplify their life,” said Ms Bestry. “I know
> one mom who has four children between the ages of 4 and 16. All of the
> children take dance classes. Two of them take more than two classes. Three of
> the children participate in after school drama. Two take music lessons. They
> are all honor students. During the school year the middle two children
> participate in soccer and t-ball. We joke about the fact that she is without a
> doubt ‘Moms taxi service.’ During the school year it is literally a mad dash
> from the time the alarm goes off in the morning until 2 a.m. when mom crawls
> into bed for a few hours of much needed rest.”
> 
> If you can identify with this parent’s situation, Ms. Bestry says there is
> hope for a less stressful life.
> 
> “Parents never seem to have enough time to juggle the millions of balls that
> are thrown at them on a daily basis between job obligations, childcare,
> community commitments, etc.,” said Ms. Bestry.  “My slogan for them is, ‘Don’t
> apologize, organize.’”
> 
> One of the first steps Ms. Bestry encourages her clients to take is to
> determine priorities, those people/things in life that matter most to you.
> There are several basic categories that these priorities tend to fall into -
> finances, health & nutrition, and time.  Instead of letting other people tell
> you how you are going to spend your money and time, you can bring order to
> your life by letting your priorities guide your decision making in each of
> these areas.  For example, by working off of a budget it makes it easier to
> say no to the toy your child wants as you go through the checkout line at the
> store.  Setting limits on the number of extracurricular activities your
> children will participate in during the school year will allow you to regain
> control over the amount of time you spend in your car every day.
> 
> “One of the most important phrases anybody can learn in the process of getting
> organized is ‘no thank you,’” said Ms. Bestry.  “We can graciously decline the
> invitation to serve on another committee or to become the new home for more
> things to clutter up your house.  I tell people all the time that there is a
> place for everything and everything has a place….but not everything has to
> live with you.”
> 
> If reading this has motivated you to get your life more organized Ms. Bestry
> suggests you start slow and do the following:
> 
> Develop a family calendar ­ List every obligation that each member of the
> family has throughout the week.  Post the calendar on the refrigerator where
> everybody can see it.
> 
> Determine the two extra-curricular activities your children will participate
> in this fall ­ Involve your children in the decision making process by giving
> them choices.
> 
> Be a role model for your children ­ If you don’t take care of yourself, who
> will take care of your children?  By making sure you get adequate rest, eat
> right and allow time to nurture yourself you are teaching your children
> healthy habits that will serve them well through life.
> 
> Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe said, “Things that matter most must never be at the
> mercy of things that matter least.”  Getting organized can help assure that
> the people/things that matter most in life are what receive most of your time
> and attention.
> TO READ the whole First Things First Newsletter, visit:
http://www.firstthings.org/

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