Marriage Takes Work - 1/29/06

[Smartmarriages]

- 'FOR BETTER OR WORSE' TAKES A LOT OF WORK
By Gabriella Boston
The Washington Times
December 29, 2006

Divorce not an option

Murray and Trudy Grant, who were married Nov. 25, 1951, have had their  
share of disagreements, but never in a million years would they  
consider divorce.

"That's never even entered my mind," said Dr. Grant, a semi-retired  
doctor in Silver Spring. "When you're married, you've made a  
commitment."

Mrs. Grant, mother of five and grandmother of 11, joked that during  
disagreements in the early years, she would threaten to pack her  
suitcase and leave.

"But I never did because that would have creased my clothes," she said  
with a laugh.

In this series, The Washington Times examines the changing views of  
marriage and what institutions ? such as religious groups, government  
and businesses ? are doing to preserve it.

What do the Grants think about young people's attitudes toward  
commitment? What is the current outlook for a resilient marriage, such  
as theirs?

"Not good. Not good at all," said Dr. Grant, his words sprinkled with  
a British accent and intonation. He's originally from London.

Dr. Grant is right. The risk for divorce in first marriages is about  
50 percent. For second marriages, the rate of divorce is even higher.

"It's true, the risk is about 50 percent overall, but for some  
segments of the population, it is much lower," said David Popenoe of  
the National Marriage Project, which analyzes the state of marriage in  
America.

For example, the risk drops by 30 percent if the household income is  
more than $50,000; another risk reducer is some college education; a  
third one is having been raised in an intact two-parent household,  
according to the National Marriage Project.

"We call it the 'marriage gap,' " said Mr. Popenoe, a professor of  
sociology at Rutgers University in New Jersey. "For the  
college-educated segment, the institution of marriage has gained  
strength. ... For everyone else, it continues to weaken."

But it doesn't have to be that way, said Diane Sollee, founder and  
director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,  
a clearinghouse for all things marriage-education related.

"With marriage education, you have a much better chance. ... It's like  
getting a user's manual, like you'd get for a flat-screen television,"  
Ms. Sollee said.

"To quote [poet and author] Maya Angelou, 'When people know better,  
they will do better,' " Ms. Sollee said. "I think we have an  
obligation to at least study up on marriage."

She said marriage education is important enough that it should be  
taught in high schools.

But the Grants of the world didn't go through marriage-education  
classes, and they've been married for 55 years. True, but it's a  
different world now, Ms. Sollee said.

"Society ? family, church, newspapers ? didn't really allow divorce  
back then," she said.

Silver Spring resident Earl Ross, 75, has been married to Phyllis  
Sheerin Ross for 45 years.

"When I was growing up, I only knew of one person who'd gotten a  
divorce. It was a distant cousin, and it was quite the scandal."

The societal pressures, however, didn't always produce content spouses  
even if they helped keep marriages together, said Gregory Kuhlman, who  
together with his wife of 17 years, Patricia Schell Kuhlman, travel  
the country teaching marriage-education classes.

"The roles were very defined and for a lot of people marriage was  
terribly confining," Mr. Kuhlman said. "Now we live in a society where  
there is no stigma associated with divorce. ... We have choices."

And in a society of choices, the best way to promote resilience in  
marriage is to be educated about marriage ? the benefits of it, the  
stages it goes through and the best way to behave and communicate with  
a spouse, Ms. Sollee said.

"You can reduce the divorce outcome by 50 percent by taking an  
eight-hour marriage-education course," Ms. Sollee said. "That's pretty  
exciting."

The Kuhlmans, who call their program Marriage Success Training, offer  
a full-day workshop for about $495 per couple. During the day, couples  
learn communication skills, conflict resolution, what to expect in the  
different stages of marriage, how to keep sex interesting and issues  
pertaining to in-laws.

"It's a way to help build resilience from the start," said Mr.  
Kuhlman, a professor of psychology at Brooklyn College of the City  
University of New York system. "Probably the biggest word for couples  
is 'intentionality.' They have to be intentional about keeping the  
bond between them strong.

"A strong bond doesn't just happen."

Ms. Sollee agreed. People who think it's a matter of finding a perfect  
match and then coasting through their relationship are in for a rude  
awakening, she said.

"All marriages go through difficult stages," she said. "There will be  
times when you disagree about what's fun, sexy, sad, depressing, and  
it's important to know that these stages are normal."

Claudia Arp, who writes and teaches about marriage enrichment with  
husband David, said many young people today have unrealistic  
expectations, partly because they grew up in a broken home and have  
not seen a marriage at work through different stages.

"Many couples today don't realize that a marriage goes through  
different seasons," she said.

The Arps, who have been married for 44 years, founded Marriage Alive  
International in 1983.

Mr. Kuhlman calls the first season the "high phase," the initial few  
months of a marriage in which couples are so excited about being  
together they need little else than each other's company to stay  
happy. But within the first year of marriage, the "reality phase" sets  
in, Mr. Kuhlman said. He wants to educate couples about marriage  
before this happens, and his target participants are couples who plan  
to marry in the next six to 12 months.

Studies by relationship researcher John Gottman, founder of the  
Seattle-based Gottman Institute, have shown that each negative  
statement that a spouse makes has to be counteracted by at least five  
positive statements from that same spouse. If it's not, neutral  
statements will start being interpreted as negative.

So if the husband says, "I need to go to the store" ? which is a  
neutral statement ? the wife could interpret it as "he just wants to  
get away from me," if the positive to negative communication has  
tipped below the 5-1 ratio, Mr. Kuhlman said. If the 5-1 ratio is  
maintained, the wife might instead think: "He's so nice to offer to go  
to the store."

"Resilience is based on positivity ? positive communication," he said.

It's in the first couple of years that married couples are at the  
biggest risk of divorce, Ms. Sollee said.

"Nobody knows it. People think they're at the highest risk for divorce  
after seven years, but it's actually the first two," she said.

Another huge stressor is the birth of the first child.

"So many couples drift apart during that time. They're good parents,  
but often to the exclusion of their marriage," Mr. Arp said. "They  
need to be intentional about reconnecting. They need to make time for  
each other.

"The marriage will not wait until the kids grow up, but the kids will  
wait for you to grab some time."

Mr. Kuhlman suggests that couples need 12 to 15 hours a week of  
undivided, nonstressful communication.

All this seems pretty grim: The institution of marriage is weakening,  
young children can influence marriages negatively, the "high phase" of  
marriage will fizzle quickly, disagreements and low points in  
marriages are inevitable no matter how good the match. It sounds like  
all work and no fun.

"I think this is one of the main problems. We don't talk enough about  
the benefits of marriage," Ms. Sollee says.

And there are many. Some studies suggest that married couples have  
better sex and are happier. Others, such as the National Marriage  
Project, show that married couples do much better financially. For  
example, married men make 10 percent to 40 percent more money than  
their single counterparts with similar education and job histories,  
according to the National Marriage Project.

"Make the marriage have benefits for you," Mr. Kuhlman said. "Stay on  
the right side of the 5-1 ratio and don't forget about sex. Keep it  
fresh and interesting."

Also, when looking at the benefits of marriage, it can be helpful to  
look at the alternative: single life or multiple marriages and divorces.

"There are a lot of costs associated with switching partners ?  
emotional and financial," Mr. Kuhlman said.

The final obstacle to lifelong marriage resilience often happens when  
the children are in their late teens or ready to move out.

"The kids might have acted as a buffer. They were all you talked  
about," Mrs. Arp said. "Now, you have to reconnect."

She and her husband wrote "10 Great Dates to Energize the Marriage,"  
aimed at helping couples reconnect.

"The dates are designed around marriage-enriching themes," Mrs. Arp said.

One date suggests looking back to the time when you first met and fell  
in love.

"Magical things happen when couples start talking about the first date  
and planning their wedding," Mr. Arp said.

Mrs. Arp added, "It's a rediscovery. It's a, 'Now I remember why I  
married you.' "

And if you can make that last empty-nest transition, your marriage has  
a very good chance of becoming an "as long as we both shall live"  
commitment.

"Once you've reached 60, you're not really at risk for divorce  
anymore," Mr. Popenoe says, adding that the divorce rate in that age  
group has not changed much since 1960.

So, if you're in your sixth decade and still married: "You've made  
it," he says.

**************************
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