Laugh/ Women's Work/ How we fight / Marriage Check-Up - 2/27/07

[Smartmarriages]

- IF WE CAN'T LAUGH.....
- RE BONANZA
- MARRIAGE MEANS 'MORE WORK' FOR WOMEN
- HOW A COUPLE FIGHTS IS A STRONG PREDICTOR OF DIVORCE
- IT CAN'T HURT TO CHECK UP ON YOUR MARRIAGE

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- IF WE CAN'T LAUGH.....
Love all the blue jokes, but this is my favorite so far....

> Diane, 
> Something old, something new, something borrowed, and the brochure!
> Bill 

I also appreciate the help in getting the kinks out of the on-line
registration form, today.  THANKS to all of you who have sent me alerts
about snafus.   

Also, the UNITED AIRLINES website is working again tonight after being down
since Sat morning.  If you can imagine, even a big operation like theirs has
major snafus.  I got to talk to the director of the whole operation today.
If you book ON-LINE, you get the conference discounts plus an additional 10%
off.  The director I talked to checked for me and flights are filling up
fast into/out of Denver on our preferred dates.  They call it
"load"....we're loading them up. -
http://www.smartmarriages.com/travel.html  - diane
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- RE BONANZA

I keep bragging about how ALL the programs are evolving, adapting, growing
and becoming every more couple and teacher-friendly and accessible...and
this update for the Relationship Enhancement (RE) pre-conference training
institute makes my point! The Institute is already what I've been calling an
"RE Bonanza" that qualifies you as an instructor in three programs ­ all in
one training.  

> 104 Three Days - Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday, June 26, 27, 28
> Bernard Guerney¹s Relationship Enhancement (RE),
> Mastering the Magic of Love & Love¹s Cradle Programs
> Mary Ortwein, MS
> A Bonanza! Qualify to teach three programs: the original Classic RE plus two
> new simplified programs, Mastering the Magic of Love, and Love's Cradle (for
> couples with an infant). Plus add-on special focus seminars. Ideal for
> low-income, community or church based. Spanish version available. $150 spouse
> discount. Click for more information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/re.html

And, tonight I get this:

> Spanish ­ Couple Materials for all three programs are available in Spanish, as
> well as video and other teaching aids.  Love¹s Cradle and Mastering the Magic
> of Love are being used in Latino-focused HMI projects in Texas, Massachusetts,
> California, Georgia, and Florida.
> 
> Cultural Adaptations ­ Couple Materials and Adaptation Guidelines for Leaders
> are available in Vietnamese, Bosnian, French, Arabic, Somali, Russian, Korean,
> Mandarin, Kiswahili, and Karen Burmese!
> 
> Special Guests -  Leaders of RE programs from the African-American, Hispanic,
> Refugee, and other HMI projects will assist with the Institute and share their
> experiences teaching RE in their communities.

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- MARRIAGE MEANS 'MORE WORK' FOR WOMEN
All Headline News (UK)
February 24, 2007 
Som Patidar 

LONDON, England (AHN) - A new study suggests that getting married prompts a
fifty percent increase in housework for women. While, for men the effect is
totally opposite.

According to the research published in the latest edition of the Economic
Journal, when a woman is single doing housework takes nearly ten hours a
week. But after marriage, she normally does fifteen hours of housework every
week.

On the other hand, a single man does an average of seven hours of housework
a week. But, after marriage, his housework hours reduce to five hours a
week.

Helene Couprie, who conducted the research, said: "The division of labor
within families may explain the influence of household inequalities on
gender inequalities in the workplace."

"The specialization of women into housework may explain why women accumulate
fewer skills on the labor market and tend to be less productive," a British
newspaper quoted Couprie as saying.

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- HOW A COUPLE FIGHTS IS A STRONG PREDICTOR OF DIVORCE

How a Couple Fights is a Strong Predictor of Divorce
Baylor University 
Feb. 5, 2007

by Matt Pene

While all couples may have conflict in their relationship, a Baylor
University researcher has found it is not if a couple fights and argues, but
how they communicate during their conflict that can determine whether a
couple will stay together for the long haul.

Dr. Keith Sanford, a clinical psychologist and an associate professor of
psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University, studied hundreds of
couples as they communicated through a fight. Sanford and his research team
focused on what determines whether a person will use positive or negative
communication during an argument. He found that emotion and the types of
thoughts a person uses are especially important.

Perhaps the most interesting finding is that negative emotion can actually
be a good thing. Sanford distinguished between two types of negative
emotion, "hard" and "soft." "Hard" emotion is associated with asserting
power, whereas "soft" emotion is associated with expressing vulnerability.
Sanford and his team consistently found that hard emotion escalated fights,
but they also found that soft negative emotion is generally beneficial for
relationships. Soft emotion appeared to increase a couple's motivation to
address a conflict and often led to productive approaches toward resolving
the conflict.

"There is a notion that all negative emotion is bad and we found that simply
isn't the case," Sanford said "As humans, we are very sensitive to 'is this
person going to fight against me or cooperate with me.' If you say more
things that signal that you willing to cooperate, that can make all the
difference."

Sanford also found that men and women approach arguments differently. His
research focused on predictions that men and women make regarding what they
think their partners are likely to do. He found that couples often appear to
be driven by their expectations during a fight. For example, if a wife
thinks that her husband will refuse to listen to her viewpoint, she is
likely to use negative communication, and she is likely to do this
regardless of what her husband actually does. Sanford said he was intrigued
to find that wives' expectations are a stronger predictor of communication
than are husbands' expectations. Specifically, wives expectations are based
on what is currently taking place in the interaction with their husband.
Husbands' expectations are based on their global feelings toward the
relationship as a whole.

"It's a tendency that women are more event-dependent and men are more
schematic," Sanford said. "The simple take home message is be aware of your
thoughts and how you are interpreting things because it could have a
negative bias and that could lead to further escalation."

The results of Sanford's studies have been published in the Journal of
Family Psychology and also will appear in a forthcoming article in Personal
Relationships.

For more information, contact Dr. Sanford at (254) 710-2256.

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- IT CAN'T HURT TO CHECK UP ON YOUR MARRIAGE

Seattle Post-Intelligencer
Living Well: It can't hurt to check up on your marriage
Monday, February 26, 2007
By BOB CONDOR
SPECIAL TO THE P-I

Working as an undergraduate volunteer at a crisis center hot line, James
Cordova was charged with keeping statistics about who called and why.

"The 'why' that always led the list was interpersonal relationships and
problems with relationships," said Cordova, now a psychology professor and
marriage researcher at Clark University in Worcester, Mass. "I realized just
how much human suffering there is in intimacy."

Other statistics grabbed Cordova's attention: 90 percent of American adults
get married; 50 percent of those adults get divorced; 80 percent of people
who divorce from their first marriage will remarry; and 60 percent of those
who remarry will divorce a second time.

No Liz Taylor questions, please.

"My instinct is I don't want to give in (to those numbers) and consider our
divorce rate as a natural set point," said Cordova. "We have quite a bit of
room for improvement."

An inspired Cordova subsequently spent a number of years studying with
University of Washington researchers John Gottman and the late Neil
Jacobson. Gottman is renowned for his relationship research, especially the
concept of emphasizing positive interactions (he advises that one negative
comment or criticism aimed at your spouse will require five positive
comments to offset the emotional damage).

Jacobson was Cordova's mentor and co-developer of integrative couples
therapy, which focuses on accepting and tolerating each other's differences
rather than insisting that they change. The approach created along with UCLA
psychologist Andrew Christensen has been found as more effective than more
conventional marital therapy.

The conventional or more standard therapy results in about 50 percent of
couples "getting better and staying better," said Cordova. The other 50
percent either don't get better or relapse within two to three years.

Cordova didn't like those statistics much either. So he gravitated to
Jacobson's integrative therapy work. He also started thinking about other
wellness models, such as the annual physical or regular dental cleaning and
exams.

"What struck me was looking at marriage as having a health status of its
own," Cordova explained.

His next thought: It is routine for people to go in for a medical or dental
exam, so why not do the same for your marriage?

Cordova's answer is what he calls the Marriage Checkup. It is a program he
has tested in two smaller studies and that now is under scrutiny in a major
federally funded study that will evaluate 200 couples in the next four
years. A couple fills out detailed questionnaires that evaluate satisfaction
levels for the couple in terms of co-parenting issues (a major tension
point), sexual relationship (ditto), intimacy and the level of commitment
toward each other.

The next step is an interview that allows Cordova and his team of graduate
students to determine a couple's relationship history. Each partner
identifies one major complaint and three main strengths of the relationship
(in a sort of positive-to-negative ratio that affirms Gottman's findings).
During that interview visit, the couple participates in a social support
exercise to determine how well the spouses express themselves and listen to
one another.

Two weeks later, the couple receives a detailed report in the mail. Couples
will get scores for their questionnaires that reflect the health of various
parts of the relationship and, more often than not, come as no surprise to
the wife and husband.

Cordova cited one busy couple. They both felt deeply lonely, despite
successful work lives and raising small children at home.

"Like lots of people, they put off nurturing a marriage until they get
around to it," said Cordova. "But they never get around to it. We talked to
them about taking more control of their marriage."

To that end, Cordova's team advised the lonely spouses to create time in
their weeks rather than "find" the time. One option offered: Get a book
about marriage and read it together during that created time. The idea is to
"engage in a conversation with each other" but "not use the time to find or
solve problems."

Cordova's Marriage Checkup tool incorporates a good bit of his mentor
Jacobson's integrative couples therapy. For instance, the Marriage Checkup
report emphasizes the strong parts of each couple's marriage that can help
weather more adverse times, plus it encourages ways for husbands and wives
to "value and honor the commitments they made."

The federal study will follow up with couples two weeks after the report is
mailed, then again at six months and a year to determine progress. Cordova
envisions the Marriage Checkup as a program that can be replicated around
the country with local therapists licensed to provide interviews, feedback
and reports. It also is possible that the Marriage Checkup will become a
total online experience, which could work quite well for couples that prefer
privacy for their marital repair.

"This is not therapy," said Cordova. "Your marriage doesn't have to be in
real trouble to use it. In fact, it actually proves to be fun for many
couples. I see it as something couples regularly can do, maybe every year or
every other year to gauge the health of their marriage."

The checkup concept does beg one remaining question: Sure, good idea, but
why would guys who don't go for annual physicals (as proved in health
research) be willing to undergo marriage checkups? Women are much more
likely to see their doctors for regular checkups.

"Well, we actually take advantage of that difference between men and women,"
Cordova said. "There are a certain percentage of guys who contact us first,
but, honestly, most of our calls involve the woman calling us first."

SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/health/304950_condor26.html

© 1998-2007 Seattle Post-Intelligencer

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