Military marriages /Survey: Effects of Parents' Infidelity - 2/25/ 07

Sun Feb 25 16:23:05 EST 2007

- LETTER FROM A MILITARY SPOUSE
- PLEASE HELP: SURVEY ON PARENTS' RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS EFFECTS ON OFFSPRING

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- LETTER FROM A MILITARY SPOUSE
I will try to hook this couple up with a good marriage program, but want to
share this letter.  I get to read and advise couples like this all the time,
but realize I share very few of them. This one makes clear WHY we need
programs for deploying couples like "Hearts United" that will be presented
in the opening keynote in Denver.  And, why we need to re-establish some
kind of stigma against those that will do these snarky deeds - using the
"Support a Soldier" program to snake someone's husband OR have affairs with
the spouse that's left behind while the soldier is deployed.  - diane

Diane,

I just read the excerpt you posted from the NYTimes article about military
marriages and Iraq.

My husband is in the navy Seabees, not the army.  Seabees deploy in support
of Marines so my husband went to Camp Fallujah in support of the 3rd MEF.
At the time he deployed, we were going through counseling working to recover
from an affair he had had with a civilain he had met through his PREVIOUS
deployment.

Anyways, he went to Iraq and signed up for one of the "Support a Soldier"
programs where people back in the States send letters and care packages
to military in Iraq and/or Afghanistan.  He got involved, via
computer, with one of the women assigned to him.  He saved all the e-mails
from his female friend and I wound up reading them after he got home, all
about his computer affair.

So, while many affairs, etc. may happen here on the homfront while the
military spouse is deployed, there are also deployed personnel who have
affairs over there. I understand some people might consider that a
full-blown affair to be worse than a computer affair, but this computer
affair pulled him away from his family, particularly his spouse, at a
critical time.  He told me that he wasn't allowed to use his work phone to
call me or the kids but he called her on it.  He would go for 1-2 weeks
without e-mailing us at all because he said that e-mail connectivity was bad
when he traveled but over those same periods, they would send 5-6 e-mails a
day back and forth to each other.   If he had put that amount of time and
effort into communicating with his me and the kids we could have grown
stronger during the deployment rather than the opposite.

Currently, we are separated and in the process of divorcing.  When he came
back from Iraq, he told me he realized he had a lot of issues he had to deal
with and wanted to go to individual counseling before we went to joint
counseling.  He also told me that once we started going to therapy, we would
know after six sessions if we would be able to make things work because six
sessions was all it takes.

I realize now that he made up his mind in Iraq about separating.  He mapped
it out in writing to this woman...including that he and I would be divorced
within six months (didn't happen) once he could figure out how to get sole
physical custody of the kids.  And she wrote back to him that she didn't
see why he wouldn't get sole custody!  She was writing this to a man who was
on an extended deployment in a combat zone!

We are probably going to remain separated through the next school year; I
want to go to pharmacy school but have to finish some prereqs and apply to
schools.  I also recently lost all hearing in my right ear and a rare tumor
was found at the base of the skull.  The surgery to remove it is this next
Tuesday and they tell me it will be a slow recovery and there will probably
be damage to some of the cranial nerves.  My husband has been much more
supportive through all of this than I expected him to be.  I am very
grateful for this.

I don't know what will ultimately happen to the marriage.  I would love for
us to at least live near each other so the kids have contact with both of
us. Thus far, they are doing better that I thought they would.

Bottom line is that I wish there had been marriage education programs
available 15 years ago.  It would have been good for us if we had been able
to learn how to fight fair.  We have decided together that we want our kids
to go through the types of programs you talk about on your website.

I found your website soon after discovering his affair and I continue to
read it because there is so much valuable information in it.  I think it's a
wonderful service.

- BB 

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- PLEASE HELP: SURVEY ON PARENTS' RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS EFFECTS ON OFFSPRING

Communication and Parent-Child Relationships
Researchers have found that both parent-parent communication and
parent-child communication influence the parent-child relationship. However,
little data exists on how, if at all, disclosure of negative family events
other than divorce (e.g., parental infidelity) impact family communication
beyond the married couple.

I am a doctoral student conducting research on how individuals, after
becoming aware of a negative relationship event or infidelity in their
parents¹ relationship, manage how they discuss this topic with family
members. To participate you must: 1) You must be at least 19 years old; and
2) You must indicate that your parents were married at some point.

Survey requires approximately one hour. All responses will be kept
confidential and at no time will your identity be revealed.

Please visit http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=295433242243 to fill out a
questionnaire.

Allison Thorson
Department of Communication Studies
University of Nebraska-Lincoln

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