Military Marriages/UK Marriage Rate/Effects of Divorce/Candidate Watch - 2/23/07

[Smartmarriages]

- SURGE AND MILITARY MARRIAGES
- MARRIAGE RATE IN ENGLAND AND WALES FALLS
- LONG LASTING EFFECTS OF DIVORCE
- AND, SPEAKING OF LONG-LASTING EFFECTS OF DIVORCE.....
- CANDIDATE WATCH
- SEXLESS IS NOT A MARRIAGE
 
######################
- SURGE AND MILITARY MARRIAGES

NYT: How 'surge' will affect military marriages
RAW STORY
February 22, 2007  

The New York Times reports that for many soldiers, "the repercussions, chaos
and loneliness of wartime deployments are one of the toughest, least
discussed byproducts of the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan."

Time spent away from spouses and families has "left a trail of badly
strained or broken unions, many severed by adultery or sexual addictions;
overburdened spouses, some of whom are reaching for antidepressants;
financial turmoil brought on by rising debts, lost wages and overspending;
emotionally bruised children whose grades sometimes plummet; and
angst-ridden parents who at times turn on each other," writes Lizette
Alvarez.

Excerpts: 

 In the nearly two years Cpl. John Callahan of the Army was away from home,
his wife, he said, had two extramarital affairs. She failed to pay his
credit card bills. And their two children were sent to live with her parents
as their home life deteriorated.

Then, in November, his machine gun malfunctioned during a firefight,
wounding him in the groin and ravaging his left leg. When his wife reached
him by phone after an operation in Germany, Corporal Callahan could barely
hear her. Her boyfriend was shouting too loudly in the background.

³Haven¹t you told him it¹s over?² Corporal Callahan, 42, recalled the man
saying. ³That you aren¹t wearing his wedding ring anymore?²

For Corporal Callahan, who is recuperating at Walter Reed Army Medical
Center, and so many other soldiers and family members, the repercussions,
chaos and loneliness of wartime deployments are one of the toughest, least
discussed byproducts of the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. Hundreds of
thousands of soldiers and loved ones have endured long, sometimes repeated
separations that test the fragility of their relationships in unforeseen
ways.

The situation is likely to grow worse as the military increases the number
of troops in Iraq in coming months. The Pentagon announced Wednesday that it
was planning to send more than 14,000 National Guard troops back to Iraq
next year, causing widespread concern among reservists. Nearly a third of
the troops who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan have done more than one
tour of duty.

Hardest hit are the reservists and their families, who never bargained on
long absences, sometimes as long as 18 months, and who lack the support
network of full-fledged members of the military.

Even many active-duty military families, used to the difficulties of
deployments, are reeling. For the first time since the Vietnam War, soldiers
are being sent again and again to dangerous war zones, with only the
smallest pause in between. The unrelenting fear of death or injury, mental
health problems, the lack of recuperative downtime between deployments and
the changes that await when a soldier comes home hover over every household.

For the full story:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/23/us/23military.html?_r=2&hp=&oref=login&pag
ewanted=print&oref=slogin

And, for what the Army is doing about it don't miss the opening keynote in
Denver: Strong Bonds: Hearts United, Lessons From the Front.

#################################
- MARRIAGE RATE IN ENGLAND AND WALES FALLS

Marriage rate in England and Wales falls
21 February, 2007

LONDON - For couples in England and Wales, "I do" is losing out to "we
wonŒt."

However, part of that drop might reflect a crackdown on sham marriages
contracted to allow immigrants to remain in the country, the statistics
office said.

The marriage rate for men was 24.2 per 1,000 unmarried men aged 16 and over,
down from 27.8 in 2004.

The peak year was in 1972, when there were 78.4 marriages per 1,000 men and
60.5 marriages per 1,000 women.
##############################

- LONG LASTING EFFECTS OF DIVORCE

> Children of Divorce Still Feel Effects Twenty Years Later
> February 22, 2007
> FamilyResults of Parental Relationships Seen Across Multiple Generations
> 
> Los Angeles - infoZine - A new study has shown that the effects of divorce on
> children may last for decades, influencing family relationships across
> multiple generations. Parental conflict, remarriage and long-term parental
> absence due to divorce can each have long-term effects on children. The study
> appears in the March issue of Family Process.
> 
> "This study clearly shows that families do not dissolve after divorce," says
> author Constance Ahrons. "They change in their structure, but relationships
> continue and are important to children's well-being throughout their lives."
> The study results show that how children of divorce relate to their
> grandparents, stepparents and siblings is associated with how their divorced
> parents relate to each other.
> 
> Ahrons says that more researchers need to speak with children directly when
> studying the short-term and long-term effects of divorce. "Children's voices
> often become muted in our research when we use only objective measurement and
> rely solely on numbers to describe their responses," says Ahrons. "How
> children perceive the effect of their parents' divorce and the resulting
> changes in their lives is central to understanding the personal experience of
> divorce and its impact."
> 
> The findings from this landmark study have serious implications for divorcing
> parents and for divorce-related policy-making. This study supports the need
> for policies, laws and programs that are aimed at decreasing conflict between
> divorcing parents.
> 
> This study is published in the March issue of Family Process

And, Ahron's conclusion is "the need for policies, laws and programs aimed
at decreasing conflict between divorcing parents"!?? Why not policies, laws
and programs aimed at decreasing divorce?  Or at decreasing the
mismanagement of conflict between parents that leads to divorce??  - diane

#############################
- AND, SPEAKING OF LONG-LASTING EFFECTS OF DIVORCE.....

We've know for a long time that children-of-divorce are themselves less
likely to marry, and when they do have a higher failure rate. This is an
explanation offered by RELATE for the UK's drop in marriage rate.  - diane

> Relate: Children of divorced parents could be put off marriage
> Politics.co.uk (Great Britain)
> 22 Feb 2007 
> 
> Relate has said that children of divorced parents could be reluctant to marry,
> after new figures from the Office of National Statistics (ONS) showed the
> number of weddings has fallen to a historic low.
> 
> A spokeswoman said: "Children of divorced parents may feel ambivalent towards
> marrying their partner ­ even if they are in a happy, stable relationship ­
> this could be reflected by these stats."
> 
> But although the decline in weddings was "significant", she said "it doesn¹t
> show us much about the quality and the health of the nation¹s relationships".
> 
> The Conservatives today published a report linking family breakdown and crime
> and called for policies to encourage marriage.
> 
> The spokeswoman said: "At Relate we hear from many people each year who are
> struggling to maintain a committed relationship ­ whether or not they are
> married does not affect the desire they have to repair the relationship and do
> the best for their children." End of story
> 
Several sessions in Denver will address this:

> 8:45pm, Thursday, June 28 - 1.5 hrs CE
> Why Singles Aren't Marrying (for singles only)
> Beverly Rodgers, PhD and Tom Rodgers, PhD
> Discuss the myths that keep scared-silly singles stuck
> in unhealthy relationship patterns and learn about ideas and information
> that will help them move confidently towards marriage.

> 411
> Between Two Worlds
> Elizabeth Marquardt, MDiv
> Even in the best divorces, kids live divided lives in which they struggle to
> understand their parents' behavior, negotiate tangled family systems, and
> develop values and beliefs.

> 813
> Children of Divorce: Change Your Odds
> Beverly Rodgers, PhD, Tom Rodgers, PhD
> According to research, children of divorce are less likely to marry, and if
> and when they do, face higher divorce rates. Learn important steps to change
> the odds.

############################
- CANDIDATE WATCH

Let's see how many candidates will endorse marriage in the presidential run
up.  Romney is connecting the dots between marriage and child school
performance.  Good start.  Please send anything you see - any use of the "M"
word.  If it's on TV, describe it.  And, send copies of any letters you send
to candidates or editors explaining the "marriage-child-village logic". -
diane 


Romney pushes married family involvement in education
By JIM DAVENPORT
Associated Press Writer
Lakeland Ledger
February 23, 2007

GREENVILLE, S.C.

    Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney said Thursday that
traditional marriage is essential for education in the U.S. to improve,
and he recited a schoolyard ditty to underscore his point to gathering
of Republican women.

   "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the
baby carriage," the presidential hopeful told a crowd of about 175
people gathered at a private club.

   He said student success is closely tied to married couples getting
involved in their children's education.

   "Every child in America deserves a mom and a dad," Romney said.
"We've got to have marriage before we have babies if we're going to have
parental involvement in our schools."

   Romney also told the crowd that he favors the establishment of
charter schools and a system of increased pay for some teachers. "It's
time for teaching to be recognized as the profession it is. This is not
making widgets," he said.

   Education and family play well in South Carolina, which will hold
the first primary in the South in less than a year.

########################
- SEXLESS IS NOT A MARRIAGE
 
Expert: A Sexless Marriage Is Not A Marriage
WCCO: Minneapolis, MN
Jeanette Trompeter
Reporting

(WCCO) We joke about it, talk about it and definitely think about it often.
We see it almost every time we turn on the television or go to a movie.

The sensitive subject of choice for this edition of WCCO 4 News At 5's
February series focusing on relationships can be summed up on a single word.

Sex.

Society is preoccupied with sex, but the reality is many people who ought to
be enjoying it the most often are actually doing it the least, according to
experts.

"A couple's sex life is the number one best barometer of how well their
marriage is going," said Dr. John Friel, psychologist and bestselling
author.

Marriage, he says, is by definition a sexual relationship, and if sex has
gone by the wayside, so too has the marriage. If you are in a sexless
marriage, "you can't call it a marriage. You can call it a friendship. You
can call it a working, parenting relationship."

Couples with two jobs, two cars and two kids say they're often too tired,
too stressed and too bored when they do manage to find one-on-one time.

"They're really good business partners in the business of shuttling their
kids from one hockey game to the next, going to band practices, making sure
homework gets done," said Friel, who stressed letting a marriage's sex life
die shouldn't be an option for those who want to stay happily married,
"because it isn't about sex. It's about being connected and about nurturing
each other."

Intimacy, said Friel, is not just found between the sheets but in the day to
day details of life. If a couple does not nurture each other in that
process, the connection in the bedroom will eventually suffer.

"The research all shows that a good sex life is the glue that holds a couple
together," said Friel.

Another barometer of how intimate we are is how we argue ... or, for that
matter, how we don't argue, according to Friel. Every relationship has its
share of conflict, and expressing it is key to building a healthy
relationship.

**************************
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