Hook-Ups/ Check Ups /Florida proclamation - 2/ 19/07

[Smartmarriages]

- HOOK-UPS
- MARRIAGE CHECK-UPS
- IT'S TIME FOR A MARRIAGE CHECKUP
(TAKE THE QUIZ: IS THERE ENOUGH LOVE
AND RESPECT IN YOUR MARRIAGE?)
- DITTO FOR MARRIAGE PROCLAMATIONS

Use these templates from California and Florida to prepare one for your
state/city in '08.  I've now got Florida's posted.

http://www.smartmarriages.com/proclamations.html

**************************
Send submissions and comments for the listserv to: diane at smartmarriages.com
Do NOT hit "reply". If you hit reply your email will go into cyberspace and
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be shared. Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily shared
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use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the
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To read past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/

11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 26-28
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 2-3
Details: http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html
Subscribe to the FREE Smart Marriages e-newslist at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.




- HOOK-UPS

> Diane, 
> Our new DVD-based, out-of-the-box program ³Love: What Everyone Needs to
> Know,² has a class devoted to Hook Ups: "Class 11: Hooking Up ­ Upside,
> Downside." It features college-age students, couples, investigative
> journalists, and relationship experts discussing the pros and cons of casual
> sex. The class discussions with Pat Love and Jon Carlson explore how gender
> affects our perceptions of casual sex and our degree of attachment/detachment.
> This class, combined with others in the 23-class set such as ³Class 15:
> Cohabitation ­ The Plain Facts,² makes this the most comprehensive program
> available - covering all aspects of love from A to Z.
> Kathleen McFadden
> http://www.digitallearning.govst.edu

This program will be introduced by Jon Carlson, Pat Love, and Kathleen
McFadden in a special Master Session/TOOB at the Denver Smart Marriages
Conference Fri morning.

> 202
> Love: What Everyone Needs To Know ­ TOOB
> Pat Love, EdD, Jon Carlson, PsyD, Kathleen McFadden
> This engaging 23-part, DVD & research based series provides everything you
> need to teach marriage from A to Z. Multi-cultural. Experience segment #1: Why
> Marriage is Worth it.

-diane 

###########################
- MARRIAGE CHECK-UPS
The list item "Open Your Marriage, Say Ah"
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2007-February/003285.html
prompted several of you to ask
if those on the list that do "marital check-ups" as part of their Marriage
Week events would share their materials. Please send what you're willing to
share. You can still use these for Black Marriage Day (March 25, 2007) ­ or,
you can stage a Marriage Check-Up event any time.  Or, file these for next
year's Marriage Week.  I'll include a goldie oldie from the archive on Jeff
Larson's "Marriage Tune Up Book" and an article from a marriage check up in
Georgia this month.  - diane

Jeff Larson's Marriage Tune Up Book:

> The goal of Larson's research-based "Great Marriage Tune-up Book" is to help
> couples evaluate and improve their relationships.
> 
> "I have always wondered why couples do not follow the car maintenance model
> in their marriages. That is they get regular oil changes and tune-ups for
> their cars but they never think of getting regular marriage tune-ups or
> check ups," he says.
> 
>     Larson says a marriage check up will evaluate the health of three
> general factors that determine marital satisfaction: 1) individual traits
> (mental health, social skills); 2) couple traits (including communication
> and conflict resolution skills); and 3) contexts (backgrounds, relationships
> outside the marriage). By comparing their responses with information from
> 5,000 others, couples can differentiate between "normal" adjustments and
> issues that might be cause for concern.
> 
>     "It helps to have a context, a comparison group. When people realize
> they're not the only people living with adjustments, their mood is lifted,"
> says Larson.
> 
>     Larson says it's not uncommon for couples to get "in a rut" after a few
> years of marriage. When love has waned, he says couples can revive the
> marriage by:  1) thinking about a time in the past when you felt love and
> resuming the behaviors, attitudes and rituals that worked before; 2) giving
> love to get love, regardless of where your spouse is along the way; and 3)
> setting goals to improve the love in your marriage by increasing nourishing
> behaviors and avoiding destructive behaviors.
To read the article:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2003-February/001466.html

You can order the recording of this session at the 2005 Smart Marriages
Conference at 800-241-7785
> #755-405  - Under the Hood: Marital Check-ups
> Jeffry Larson, PhD
> Learn how to do a scientific marriage check-up
> and tune-up using empirically validated questions
> that help couples set goals for improvement.

http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2005-February/002646.html

######################
- IT'S TIME FOR A MARRIAGE CHECKUP
It's time for a marriage checkup
If you want your marriage to last, you need to know two words: love and
respect
BY BORDEN BLACK
Feb. 13, 2007    
Ledger-Enquirer, Columbus Georgia


You change the oil in your car every 3,000 to 5,000 miles and you have
regular dental checkups; but how often do you evaluate or "check on" your
marriage?

Licensed marriage and family therapist Mary Ellen Connett contends not often
enough. "If you don't water a plant, it will die," she points out. "The same
is true for marriage. There are serious consequences for neglecting a
relationship."

In the early 1990s, The Georgia Association of Marriage and Family Therapy
recommended couples get an annual marriage checkup. Connett is suggesting
that Valentine's Day is a good time to do that.

"What better way to express your love and concern?" she asks.

University of Washington researchers found they could predict if a couple
would stay together based on a number of indicators. The project, conducted
by professor emeritus John Gottman, Ph.D., followed couples over a 7 to 9
year period and could predict with 87 percent accuracy, which marriages
would stay together, and which ones would dissolve.

Gottman has developed indicators of why marriages succeed or fail that
Connett subscribes to. One of the most important she believes is the "rule
of five."

"It takes five positive interactions to counteract the damage of one
negative interaction, such as blame or criticism," she relates.

There are many ways to show positivity according to Gottman. They include:
showing interest, being affectionate, showing you care, being appreciative,
showing concern, being empathetic and being accepting.

While the balance between negativity and positivity seems to be one of the
main factors in a successful marriage, there are also four predictors for
failure: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, or the
complete cutoff of the other person.

Gottman writes in his book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," that long-term
marriages contain an abundance of love and respect. Connett suggests a
self-quiz that can help you determine if these fundamentals are present in
your relationship.

TAKE THE QUIZ: IS THERE ENOUGH LOVE

AND RESPECT IN YOUR MARRIAGE?

The following quiz developed by John Gottman and adapted by Mary Ellen
Connett, is to be taken by you and your spouse. Answer "yes" or "no" to each
statement based on whether you mostly agree or disagree.

1. My spouse seeks out my opinions.  2. My spouse cares about my feelings.
3. We are affectionate toward one another.  4. We listen to each other.  5.
What I say counts. 6. I love spending time with my partner. 7. We are very
good friends. 8. My spouse finds me physically attractive.  9. I feel
included in my partner's life. 10. We touch each other a lot. 11. We respect
each other's ideas. 12. Even during tough times we can be empathetic.

Scoring: If you checked "yes" to fewer than 4 items, then you may not feel
enough love and respect in your marriage and you may want to seek a check
up.

Professionals point out that the average couple waits six years before
seeking help for marital problems; so they often live with unhappiness for
far too long.

Connett says marital relationships can definitely improve. She likens it to
an illness; if the problems are ignored, they will get worse. If both
partners are committed, they can work towards changing their relationship
for the better.

#####################
- DITTO FOR MARRIAGE PROCLAMATIONS

Use these templates from California and Florida to prepare one for your
state/city in '08.  I've now got Florida's posted.

http://www.smartmarriages.com/proclamations.html

**************************
Send submissions and comments for the listserv to: diane at smartmarriages.com
Do NOT hit "reply". If you hit reply your email will go into cyberspace and
NO ONE will see your email.

This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee,
editor. Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.
PLEASE include your email address or url as part of your signature.

Please also understand that with thousands on the list, not all comments can
be shared. Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily shared
by members of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the
column under the puzzle piece.

To read past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/

11th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Denver Adam's Mark Hotel,
June 28-July 1, 2007
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 26-28
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 2-3
Details: http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html
Subscribe to the FREE Smart Marriages e-newslist at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com
Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.