Harley Comments/ Obesity/ Aim/ Florida/ Mush - 2/14/ 07

Wed Feb 14 22:32:37 EST 2007

- CORRECTION: HEAD START WEDDING STORY
- CONFERENCE BROCHURES/REGISTRATION
- WILLARD HARLEY COMMENTS
- LAST OBESITY COMMENT
- A VALENTINE THANK YOU AND AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT YOU CAN AIM FOR
- FLORIDA COUNTY STATS GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION
- GOOD VALENTINE'S DAY MUSH

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- CORRECTION: HEAD START WEDDING STORY
That was Florence ALABAMA, not Florence NC. - d
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2007-February/003293.html
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- CONFERENCE BROCHURES/REGISTRATION
I've had so many questions today about the ON-LINE registration.  We're so
close...will have the brochures in the mail by first week of March. And,
will have the pdf of the brochure and the ON-LINE registration form posted
by first of next week. I think it's easier to wait until you have the
brochures in hand to figure out the registration and pick sessions, but some
of you just can't wait and want to be SURE you get into certain Institutes
and workshops.  You will be able to print out the brochure and register.
I'll let the list know the minute it's posted.  - diane

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- WILLARD HARLEY COMMENTS

I mentioned that I referred the disappointed husband (wife's obesity) to Dr
Willard Harley. I asked Dr Harley to comment.  Here 'tis.
- diane 

> Hi Diane,
> 
> Loss of a woman's physical attractiveness through weight gain is certainly one
> of the factors that contribute to divorce, but it is not the "real" cause, nor
> is it even one of the common causes.  Consider the fact that most divorces are
> initiated by women (among college educated women it's 9 out of 10), and you
> get a sense that a woman's appearance has very little to do with divorce.
> It's their problems with men that contribute most to divorce.  On our radio
> show, we do hear from some husbands who would like to see their wives slim
> down, but it's rarely a marriage-threatening issue even for them.  Most of our
> calls from men are in desperation, wondering what they can do to win their
> wife's love back after years of neglect.  Their wives have informed them that
> very morning that they are planning to divorce.
> 
> It's no surprise that most marriage recovery programs are designed to teach
> men how to communicate better with their wives, since intimate conversation is
> one of her most important emotional needs.  But it's more complicated than
> that to keep a woman in love with her husband. And when a woman loses her love
> for him, gaining weight can turn out to be one of the symptoms of that loss.
> I'm not necessarily blaming the writer of this letter for his wife's problems
> with weight, but I'll bet it's a factor.
> 
> I need more information, especially from his wife, to give the writer
> definitive answer to his question, but it will probably include the suggestion
> that he establish a partnership with his wife where she feels bonded to him
> emotionally.  Then I would suggest an exercise program that they would follow
> together, along with a diet that will lead to a healthy body for her.  I
> guarantee that she hates the weight that she is, and has tried to lose it many
> times.  His support and participation in a program of weight loss might do the
> trick.
> Bill Harley 

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- LAST OBESITY COMMENT
I appreciate all your heartfelt and well written comments.  This one
definitely touched a nerve in both men and women.  I ask that we drop this
thread.  I can't process all these.  I will share just one more, this one
from Chris Gersten.  Just when we think all our bureaucrats think about is
policy, politics, funding, and evaluation ......

> Regarding Obesity:
>  
>  The fact is that men and women in our society tends to gain weight as they
> grow older. 
>  
> Here are a few rules:
>  
> 1.  Remain as attractive as you can.  Do not obsess about physical appearance
> and weight.  But do not ignore your appearance either.  If you are gaining
> weight, work to stop before it is too late.
>  
> 2.  Communicate clearly about physical appearance.  If your wife or husband is
> gaining weight, be clear but loving.  If your spouse is gaining weight over a
> short period of time, be clear that you will not be as attracted to her or to
> him if continues to gain weight.  Do not wait until your spouse is obese to
> help him or her lose weight.
>  
> 3.  Understand how physically difficult it is to lose weight.  By the time
> most of us realize that we are 30 pounds or more overweight, it is almost too
> late.  It can require an obsessive focus, hours a day of exercise, and
> expensive diet foods to lose weight after we hit middle-age.  Metabolism slows
> down and our joints and aches often make it very difficult to exercise.  Help
> your partner lose weight a pound a month and be prepared for a long effort.
>  
> 4.  Do not expect that your spouse can ever be as trim as he or she was when
> you were married.
>  
> 5.  Remember that obesity is a killer.  It increases the risk of diabetes,
> heart disease, stroke and makes arthritis much more debilitating.  We should
> be encouraging our partners to stay fit for their health more than for our
> egos.
>  
> Chris Gersten 
> FAMLI / 1% Solution

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- A VALENTINE THANK YOU AND AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT YOU CAN AIM FOR
> Happy Valentines Day, Diane,
> Every email from SmartMarriages brings a sense of excitement and hope, not to
> mention education to my professional life. Since attending my first conference
> in 1999, I have been excited about marriage education and promoted the
> conference, the website, and the newslist. Last February, my local TV news
> station in Sherman, Texas asked for a therapist who was excited about marriage
> to do a February emphasis they called "Marriage 101." I volunteered and did a
> month of 6:00 a.m. appearances. I was invited back and have been doing the 3-6
> minute segment for a total of 50 weeks. I pull 100% of my material from
> conference notes, the newslist, books written by SmartMarriage presenters, and
> my iPod (with the Playback Now package from last year's conference). This
> morning I started a 4 week kickoff using Drs. Love and Stosny's new book. I
> have already received 3 emails asking for the book information since this
> morning. I owe KXII and SmartMarriages a huge valentine for giving me air time
> (which promotes my practice) and SmartMarriages (which educates me) for making
> me a household name and face along with marriage education and HOPE for
> hurting couples. Thank you all, authors, presenters, newslist contributors,
> and most of all Diane Sollee for steering me down such a fulfilling path!
> Hopefully, more of us in the field will volunteer to speak out and get this
> message to the world via the local (no matter how small) media. If you get a
> chance, log on to www.kxii.com <http://www.kxii.com>  and type "Marriage 101"
> into the search engine and view one of the archived tapings.
> Barbara Roland, LPC
> The Family Forum
> Sherman, Texas

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- FLORIDA COUNTY STATS GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

> Hello, Diane, 
> How about some more good news for Valentine's Day?  Brevard County (which is
> the Space Coast) Florida woke up to this wonderful story as the FRONT PAGE
> news of the Florida Today newspaper ...
> ***********************************************
> Brevard County's divorce rate has dropped by half since 2000, and the marriage
> rate has dipped only slightly, according to the Florida Department of Health's
> Office of Vital Statistics. In 2005, Brevard County judges granted 1,360
> divorces and annulments after 2,673 couples filed for divorce. Of the
> 4,300-plus couples who decided to tie the knot that year, slightly more than
> 4,100 actually did so.
>  
> Brevard County boasts one of the lowest divorce rates in Florida.
> In 2005, slightly more than 2 of every 1,000 people in Brevard finalized
> divorces or obtained annulments, compared with about 5 out of 1,000 in
> Volusia, Orange and Broward counties, and six of 1,000 couples in Miami-Dade.
> The statewide average is 4.5 divorces for every 1,000 residents.
>  
> For the full story, check out:
> http://www.flatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070214/NEWS01/702140371
>  
> Especially terrific news since I have two daughters engaged to be wed this
> year, right here in Brevard County Florida!
>  
> Melodie Tucker
> Mars Venus Relationship Coach and Facilitator

############################
- GOOD VALENTINE'S DAY MUSH

I got these from the Valentine's issue of "O" Magazine"

> When it's right you can't say
> Who is kissing whom.
> - Gregory Orr
> 
> There are a hundred paths through the
> world that are easier than loving.
> But who wants easier?
> - Mary Oliver
> 
> .  .  .  stunned by the lungs' longing for
> more and more breath in the presence of that friend.
> - Grace Paley
> 
> The way you make love
> is the way God will be with you.
> -Rumi

And these, just because several of you have written to ask that I repeat
some of the Valentine's Day favorites from the quotes page:

>> They do not love who do not show their love.
>> William Shakespeare
>> *************** 
>> I got gaps;  you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps.
>> Rocky 
>> *************** 
>> Ann Meara of the comedy team Stiller and Meara observed awhile
>> ago in a  New York Times interview of her 30-plus year marriage,
>> "Was it love at first sight? It wasn't then - but it sure is now."
>> New York Times 
>> *****************
>> For most people, a life lived alone, with passing strangers or passing
>> lovers, is incoherent and ultimately unbearable. Someone must be
>> there to know what we have done for those we love.
>> Frank Pittman 
>> ****************
>> To a daughter contemplating the flaws in her marriage, a mother observes,
>> "Remember, dear, it's being together at the end that really matters."
>> Clare Booth Luce, The Women, Act 1, scene 3.
>> ****************
>> The Time is Now
>> If you are ever going to love me,
>> Love me now, while I can know
>> The sweet and tender feelings
>> Which from true affection flow.
>> Love me now
>> While I am living.
>> Do not wait until I'm gone
>> And then have it chiseled in marble,
>> Sweet words on ice-cold stone.
>> If you have tender thoughts of me,
>> Please tell me now.
>> Unknown
>> ****************
>> On Valentine's Day

>> An old man got on a bus one February 14th, carrying a dozen
>> roses.  He sat beside a young man.  The young man looked at
>> the roses and said, "Somebody's going to get a beautiful
>> Valentine's Day gift."
>> 
>> "Yes," said the old man.
>> 
>> A few minutes went by and the old man noticed that his young
>> companion was staring at the roses.  "Do you have a
>> girlfriend?" the old man asked.
>> 
>> "I do," said the young man.  "I'm going to see her right
>> now, and I'm going to give her this Valentine's Day card."
>> 
>> They rode in silence for another 10 minutes, and then the
>> old man got up to get off the bus.  As he stepped out into
>> the aisle, he suddenly placed the roses on the young man's
>> lap and said, "I think my wife would want you to have these.
>> I'll tell her that I gave them to you."
>> 
>> He left the bus quickly.  As the bus pulled away, the young
>> man turned to see the old man enter the gates of a cemetery.
>> - Unknown

Tons more at http://www.smartmarriages.com/marriage.quotes.html
Send yours.  Happy Valentine's Day.  I look forward to reports on highlights
of your Marriage Week Celebrations. -d

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