Marrying your Ex / Marriage Prep adapted for Remarriage - 2/ 14/ 07

[Smartmarriages]

- STEPFAMILY TRACK
- EXES WHO REMARRY FEEL LUCKY FOR SECOND CHANCE
- CHURCH MARRIAGE-PREP CLASSES ADAPT TO 'THE SECOND TIME AROUND'
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- STEPFAMILY TRACK 
Given the challenges faced in remarriage, we feature a track of workshops
specifically targeted to marriage education courses for stepfamilies at the
Denver Smart Marriages Conference including BOTH pre and a post conference
training institutes.   And, note that David Olson featured in second article
will, himself, present three times including a PREPARE/ENRICH training
institute which includes special marital inventories for couples preparing
to remarry with children.

> 905 One Day - Monday, July 2
> PREPARE/ENRICH
> David Olson, PhD, Peter Larson, PhD Learn how to help couples prepare for
> marriage and enrich their relationships with five 165-question inventories
> (PREPARE, PREPARE-MC, PREPARE CC, ENRICH or MATE) and a series of feedback
> sessions focused on six couple-strengthening exercises. Qualifies you to
> administer, interpret and give feedback on 5 couple inventories. Includes all
> training materials, PREPARE/ENRICH leader manual, 5 inventories, and coupon.
> $50 spouse discount. Click for more information.
> http://www.smartmarriages.com/olson.html
  
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- EXES WHO REMARRY FEEL LUCKY FOR SECOND CHANCE

10News.com
San Diego
Feb 9, 2007 

Exes Who Remarry Feel Lucky For Second Chance
Some Divorced Couples Give Marriage Another Shot

For Pepper and Ron Miller, divorce was the best thing to happen to their
marriage.

The pair wed in 1988, split in 1996 and then tied the knot again in 2001.
They say being married the second time around has been healthier and more
stable thanks to the time they spent apart.

In those five years, the Millers attended therapy and reflected individually
on what they learned. Pepper practiced putting her needs first in
relationships, something she says she failed to do while married the first
time, and which led to resentment on her part.

"I wasn't as secure as I thought I should be," says Pepper, founder of The
Hunter Miller Group, a consumer research and marketing firm in Chicago. "I
made the marriage more about Ron. I didn't stand up for myself enough. If
you don't know your own value then the other person doesn't."

Ron, a real estate broker, says he came to understand that Pepper, who was
an only child, treats her girlfriends as sisters and spends a lot of time
socializing. While those close relationships initially irked him, Ron, who
grew up in a large family, came to accept them and appreciate how important
they were to Pepper.

So the pair, who continued to attend the same church after their divorce,
gradually began seeing each other again -- first over casual lunches and
later romantically. They formed a friendship they say was lacking the first
time around. They realized they shared values and goals.

And in August 2001, while on a cruise with her father, Pepper found a note
from Ron in her suitcase. In it, he asked her to marry him. She e-mailed
back a yes.

It's not just celebrity couples who get hitched again after a
well-publicized break, though there have been plenty of those. Elizabeth
Taylor and Richard Burton did it in 1975, but split a year later. Natalie
Wood and Robert Wagner made a second go of it in 1972 and stayed together
until her death nine years later. Rapper Eminem and his wife, Kimberly,
married in 1999 and again in 2006, the latter marriage lasting a little over
three months.

There are no statistics on how many people remarry their exes, or how many
of those remarriages succeed. But nearly half of first marriages in the
United States end in divorce, and more than 60 percent of second marriages
do.

So what compels couples to try again?

Some, therapists say, wed young and regret never having played the field.
Once they return to the dating world, they realize that what they had wasn't
so bad.

Others split after falling out of love. Convinced they just needed a
different spouse, they find they miss the one they were with.

And then there are those who divorce after the ups and downs of marriage
become too much to bear. With time and therapy, however, they realize the
importance of communication and forgiveness, and rekindle their love.

"Some people get divorced too quickly," says William J. Doherty, director of
the marriage and family therapy program at the University of Minnesota and
author of "Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls
Us Apart" (Guilford Press, 2001).

"Some people get divorced because they fall in love with somebody else and
that other relationship breaks up. Some people get divorced when they are
not smart enough to know that they were going through a rough patch."

A couple that breaks up over something relatively clearcut, such as drug or
alcohol addiction or an extramarital affair, might seem to have a slim shot
of success the second time around, but some experts beg to differ. They say
that if the guilty party curbs the habit or wins forgiveness, a second try
at marriage could succeed.

"If it is something external like that, I think it is easier for the
partners to tie their breakup to that event than if it is something less
tangible like, 'Well, I woke up today and decided I don't really like you,"'
says James Morris, assistant professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at
Texas Tech University.

And there is a second group of people affected by remarriers: their kids,
who can suffer more disappointment.

"Many children of divorce carry with them hidden secret fantasies that mom
and dad will get back together," says Craig Everett, director of the Arizona
Institute for Family Therapy and the editor of the "Journal of Divorce and
Remarriage." "But when mom and dad actually get back together, it can
rekindle a lot of the pain and anger they experienced when mom and dad were
fighting before they got divorced."

So what do therapists advise for couples willing to get hitched again?

Therapy helped the Millers. For instance, Pepper had refused to "fix Ron's
plate," a custom among some blacks in which a wife serves her husband his
meal as a sign of affection. Pepper found it too subservient. In therapy,
she learned that Ron had grown up having his meal delivered by his mother
and sisters, and to him it was a demonstration of love.

So one day after they got back together, Pepper brought a plate to him as he
watched TV. She then went back into the kitchen to load the dishwasher, only
to be interrupted by a bear hug from Ron.

"That's learning to love someone the way they need to be loved," she says.
"That's something I didn't see the first time."

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- CHURCH MARRIAGE-PREP CLASSES ADAPT TO 'THE SECOND TIME AROUND'
Star Tribune, Minneapolis
Feb 9, 2007 
By David Briggs, Religion News Service

> As many as one in two marriages now ends in divorce, and three-quarters of
> divorced individuals remarry. Faced with these tremendous increases, more
> congregations are dumping the one-size-fits-all approach to premarital
> counseling.


Church marriage-prep classes adapt to 'the second time around'
Many churches are using programs such as Prepare/Enrich, founded by a
University of Minnesota professor, to counsel couples who are entering their
second or third marriages.

Robert Walling and his bride, Arlene, knew they loved each other.

What they were less aware of in 1989 as both entered a second marriage were
the consequences of bringing together seven children, SIX OF THEM TEENAGERS.

"Within weeks, everybody hated everybody," recalled Robert Walling, a Roman
Catholic church deacon in Ohio.

Now, 18 years later, the Wallings are in the "reward" stage, with pictures
of 12 grandchildren gracing the walls of their home. The "steps" are as
close, or closer, to one another as they are to their brothers and sisters
by blood, the couple said.

Although they struggled on their own, the Wallings today counsel couples
about the ties that both bind and hinder married couples. Unlike young
newlyweds, remarried couples often must blend families and decide what to do
with multiple houses or the unequal financial resources older partners bring
to marriages.

As many as one in two marriages now ends in divorce, and three-quarters of
divorced individuals remarry. Faced with these tremendous increases, more
congregations are dumping the one-size-fits-all approach to premarital
counseling.

Thousands of churches nationwide are experimenting with Prepare/Enrich, a
marriage preparation program that includes couples planning second
marriages. The program was founded by David Olson, professor emeritus of
family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Second-marriage couples may approach a religious community with ambivalence,
Olson said.

"They don't feel as welcome. They feel shamed" that their first marriages
didn't work out, Olson said. "Maybe they don't feel comfortable coming
back."

While research is limited, a majority of couples choose religious settings
for their first marriages, while only 10 to 20 percent choose them for
subsequent marriages, Olson said.

Those numbers are not good when one considers that almost half of the 2
million marriages in the United States each year involve at least one person
who has been married before, he said.

The reasons people do not seek the blessing -- and premarital counseling --
offered by religious communities are varied:

€ Divorce still carries a stigma, and some people are apprehensive about
seeking approval from congregations that uphold the idea that marriage is a
lifelong union before God between a man and a woman.

€ Some clergy are less receptive to individuals who are remarrying for
reasons other than the death of the first spouse.

€ Many couples entering a second or third marriage say they do not need
premarital counseling because they have done it before and know what
marriage is about.

Yet the issues faced by couples entering second marriages can be radically
different from those faced by young people in first unions. The most
challenging can be the blending of children from previous marriages. The
bonding process between children and a new parent can take from four to
seven years, the Wallings said.

"In general, we still don't do a very good job of differentiating between
first-time marriages and remarriages," said Bill Boomer, director of the
diocesan Department for Marriage and Family Ministry.

Olson said the good news is that religious communities are responding to the
changing marital trends. Ten years ago, 30,000 churches and counseling
centers around the country used Prepare/Enrich. Today, it is in 60,000
locations.

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