Jay Haley/ Terry Real/ Joe Beam/ World Marriage poll/Head Start Wedding / Housework- 2/ 14/07

[Smartmarriages]

- JAY HALEY
- TERRY REAL ON THE NEW RULES OF MARRIAGE
- JOE BEAM ON TODAY FRI, FEB 17 IN 9AM SEGMENT
- A BELATED VALENTINE'S DAY THANK YOU FROM A JOURNALIST
- MOST BELIEVE MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE
- WEDDING AT HEAD START
- HOUSEWORK AND SEX
- JAY HALEY

It is with heavy heart that I share the news that Jay Haley, founding father
of Strategic Marriage and Family Therapy, died yesterday. - diane

########################
- TERRY REAL ON THE NEW RULES OF MARRIAGE
Terry Real was on the CBS EARLY SHOW this morning and was terrific.  He
talked about The New Rules of Marriage. There doesn't appear to be a way to
watch the segment on line, but you can purchase the book now and attend his
Masters Session in Denver where he'll sign it.

> 402 - Sat morning, June 30, Denver
> The New Rules of Marriage
> Terry Real, MSW
> Teach a new art form of relationship empowerment ­ akin to ju-jitsu ­ in which
> you build on each other¹s momentum and get what you need by empowering your
> partner to give it to you.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/02/14/earlyshow/leisure/books/main247305
8.shtml

##########################
- JOE BEAM ON TODAY FRI, FEB 17 IN 9AM SEGMENT
Set your Tivos: Another Smart Marriages Conference presenter, Joe Beam of
FamilyDynamics, will be on the Today Show on Fri talking about his Smart
Marriages topic:

> 307 - Fri afternoon, June 29, Denver
> Ecstasy Without Guilt
> Joe Beam 
> Understand the inherent causes of ³low² and ³no² sex marriages and an approach
> to help more ³conservative² couples find excitement and fulfillment.
 
############################
-  A BELATED VALENTINE'S DAY THANK YOU FROM A JOURNALIST

> Diane, Your conference (and, most specifically, an exercise that Pat Love and
> Sunny Shulkin had people do in their session) literally saved my marriage and
> changed the way my husband and I interact forever. I never said thank you to
> them, or you, for that. Today, on Valentine's Day, I want to say thank you.
> I'm grateful. I almost walked away from my husband and today we have a great
marriage  

- Anonymous reporter

###########################
- MOST BELIEVE MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE
An amazing poll.  - diane

Most believe marriage is for life
By Paul Casciato in London
February 14, 2007 

'TIL death do us part. Or at least that's what most people on the planet
still believe.

Seven out of 10 people ACROSS THE WORLD still think that marriage should
last a lifetime, according to a Valentine's Day survey released by global
research firm AC Nielsen this week.

Muslim and Catholic strongholds in Asia topped global rankings in favour of
lifelong marriage in the poll of 25,000 people across 46 countries.

Indonesians were the keenest on marriage for life. The survey showed that 97
per cent of them believed in the concept, followed closely by Turks at 92
per cent as well as Filipinos and Malays, both 89 per cent.

In the West, AMERICANS TURNED OUT TO BE THE STRONGEST BELIEVERS IN MARRYING
FOR LIFE, while Europeans from Catholic and conservative countries showed an
unexpected lack of enthusiasm for the concept.

"Record high divorce statistics combined with rising co-habitation rates and
an increasing number of children born to common-law couples in the past 10
years have certainly made the western world wonder if the age-old concept of
"to have and to hold till death to us part" is fast becoming a dying
tradition," AC Nielsen Europe President Patrick Dodd said.

Although interestingly, more AMERICAN MEN believed in the marriage for life
concept than American women.

Asian Muslim countries of Indonesia and Malaysia also ranked globally as the
most in favour of marriage as a life goal, while at the other end of the
love and marriage barometer, 74 per cent of Greek consumers said marriage
was not a lifetime goal.

LESS THAN HALF OF EUROPEANS polled said that marriage is one of their
lifetime goals.

Instead of marriage, 77 per cent of Europeans said a stable, long-term
relationship is as good as marriage.

Mr Dodd said that across Europe, especially western Europe, for the first
time in history women are chasing careers instead of husbands and valuing
independence over marriage as a life-long ambition.

"And the majority of men in these countries are in agreement too. There
appears to be an equal rejection of the traditional concept of marriage
across both sexes," he said.

Asian and Muslim nations were naturally not in favour of replacing marriage
with long-term relationships, and neither were half of Americans, Russians,
South Africans and Hungarians.
#########################
- WEDDING AT HEAD START

Love & marriage
Unlikely couple find happiness, head to altar
Times-Daily, NC 
By Lisa Singleton-Rickman
Staff Writer
February 14. 2007 

> He said he was stunned to learn that, NOT ONLY HAD THE PARENT NEVER ATTENDED A
WEDDING, THERE WERE NO MARRIAGES ON EITHER SIDE OF HER FAMILY.
> 
> Key said he began to realize many people lacked knowledge about something he
> considers so basic.
> 
> ³That¹s when we started thinking how educational it would be for our children
> here at school and this community of parents to attend a wedding right here at
> head start,² Key said.


FLORENCE, NC -- Temika Chivers and Andrew Bonds are an unlikely couple.

She isn¹t the kind of woman he ever thought he¹d settle down with, and
Chivers didn¹t know guys like Bonds existed.

She¹s strong-willed and fiercely independent. He¹s nurturing and giving.

But two years ago, when the couple got together, it was obvious to both that
their relationship could work.

Then, Chivers, 29, got pregnant, and she and Bonds, who is 28, moved in
together.

Now, with their 11-month-old and her other two children from previous
relationships, ages 2 and 8, the two are getting married.

The wedding ceremony, which will be Saturday at the Handy Head Start
gymnasium in Florence, will be grand, with as many guests as want to attend.

Area businesses have donated all the wedding amenities from flowers and
decorations to food for the reception to a wedding night stay, courtesy of
Joe Wheeler State Park and Resort.

By design, a good number of wedding-goers will be preschoolers, potentially
the entire Handy Head Start.

The staff at Handy Head Start realized that many of the school¹s 203
students knew nothing about marriages or weddings, with the exception of
what they¹ve seen on television.

Pete Key, the school¹s FAMILY program specialist who coordinates various
programs for parents, said the idea for the wedding to take place at the
school came about after he met with a parent who was contemplating marriage.

He said he was stunned to learn that, not only had the parent never attended
a wedding, there were no marriages on either side of her family.

Key said he began to realize many people lacked knowledge about something he
considers so basic.

³That¹s when we started thinking how educational it would be for our
children here at school and this community of parents to attend a wedding
right here at head start,² Key said.

The school¹s teachers were also interested in expanding this educational
process to the classrooms. They asked students what they knew about
marriage. The answers were shocking.

³One (4-year-old) child said it just means you get to have sex all the
time,² said Kathy King, a head start teacher. ³That¹s when I knew we had to
educate these children about the friendship and commitment that¹s such a
vital part of marriage.²

This week, King and her co-workers will stage mock weddings in their
classrooms.

Each child will dress up, playing the role of bridesmaid or groomsman, with
a bride and groom. The students will pledge to each other their friendship
and to always be willing to share.

³These little weddings have a two-fold purpose because they teach children
what happens in a wedding, but they also teach the more underlying lesson,
that it¹s about commitment to another person.²

Chivers said she welcomes the opportunity for school children to attend her
wedding and hopes her wedding guests view her as someone who is thankful for
God¹s blessings.

³I never thought I¹d get married, and I certainly wasn¹t used to a man who
took charge of the household and was a real man, treating me well,² she
said. ³I do want these kids, as well as my own, to see that families like
this exist. I¹ve never wanted my kids to grow up like I did.²

Chivers¹ 8-year-old daughter attended the head start program.

Chivers only vaguely remember any normalcy within her own family growing up.
Her parents divorced when she was 8, and she and her sister lived the next
few years with her father, whom she said was illiterate and a drug addict.
At 14, she left home, and her life spiraled downward.

She has since earned her GED.

She jokes that meeting Bonds was ³the miracle he couldn¹t have expected.²
³It was very unlikely, given our backgrounds, especially,² she said. ³Andrew
was from a very good, solid family.²

He wanted those same values for his own family. Having been married and
divorced once, Bonds said he knew what he was looking for in a mate but
wasn¹t sure right away Chivers was it.

³I saw a lot of good in her, but I wanted to make sure she was the right one
for me,² he said, ³and I really put her to the test.²

Chivers said he wasn¹t the only one reserving final judgement. She recalled
that their differences came to the surface right away after they moved in
together.

³He was hard to get along with, and we didn¹t even like the same kind of
food,² she said. ³He likes fast food, tacos and such. I like soul food, the
vegetables and good stuff. We¹re still working through that.²

The issues facing Bonds and Chivers aren¹t uncommon, said Drew Jamieson, a
family counselor who has provided the couple¹s premarital counseling.

³Married couples often pay more attention to the irritations in each other
rather than the good characteristics,² Jamieson said. ³What I see where
couples divorce is two people who aren¹t paying attention to each other.
Intimacy is regularly checking in with each other.²

Jamieson sees a real willingness in the couple to be a team and says they
have a strong friendship.

Bonds says he views Chivers as a supporter of his ideas and dreams. In fact,
Bonds will soon be following his longtime dream of becoming an aviation
technician. He leaves for an 18-month training program in Texas two days
after the wedding.

Key says the couple is an inspiration to others because they¹ve weathered
adversity and ³allowed it to make them stronger.²

In July, a wedding dress Chivers had bought from a friend burned in a house
fire.
³I was devastated over our losses, but it really made me sick about my
dress,² she said. ³So, I decided I just had to save until I could buy
another one.²

She teases Bonds about his lack of sentimentality over the wedding, saying
he¹s the, ³typical man about that stuff.²

Then her countenance suddenly becomes serious.

³I¹m hoping that I¹ll look so pretty that he¹ll be glad we had this nice,
big wedding,² she said.

For photo: 
http://www.timesdaily.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070214/NEWS/70214001/
-1/COMMUNITIES02
#########################
- HOUSEWORK AND SEX

> Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work
> to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another
> in the dryer.  Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.
> 
> She was astonished!
> 
> It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work
> full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
> 
> The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about
> it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do
> their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the
> evening."
> 
> "But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Oh, that .., Ralph was too tired.."


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