YouTube | In-Laws | Children of Divorce | In-Laws | Reading Marriage - 12/30/07

Sun Dec 30 23:25:35 EST 2007

- YOUTUBE CLIPS
- MARQUARDT FILM ON SPIRITUAL LIVES OF CHILDREN OF DIVORCE
- IN LAWS 
- DYNAMIC MARRIAGE 
- READING MARRIAGE 
- DRAWING HEAVEN INTO YOUR MARRIAGE

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- YOUTUBE CLIPS

> Diane, am I the only one having difficulty seeing the YouTube clips?  The one
> with John Gray goes about 12 seconds before it freezes.  The other one won't
> load at all.  Can't get the link from smartmarriages.com to connect either.  I
> have about the same skill level as you describe on these things, so it
> certainly could be user error.
> Frankie Godwin

My guess is is that it probably has to do with your computer capacity, not
your skills.  Instead of using the link from smartmarriages.com, try just
going directly to YouTube and then search for Smart Marriages.

Link to Smart Marriages clips: http://www.youtube.com/PBNSmartMarriages

Link directly to YouTube and then search: http://www.youtube.com

- diane 

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- MARQUARDT FILM ON SPIRITUAL LIVES OF CHILDREN OF DIVORCE

Elizabeth Marquardt and the Institute for American Values have made a 30
minute documentary on the spiritual lives of children of divorce. The film,
narrated by Elizabeth Marquardt features interviews with seven grown
children of divorce of varying faith traditions, and is based on findings
from the national study reported in her book, Between Two Worlds. The film
was made as a tool for clergy and lay leaders to use in congregations to
help raise awareness about the impact of divorce on children. $12 + S/H. To
order: 
http://www.betweentwoworlds.org/comments/wp-content/themes/b2w/pdfs/btw-film
.pdf

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- IN LAWS 

My goodness, the post that announced that we'll have a workshop in SF on
In-Laws generated more replies than any topic we've had in a while.  I'll
share some of the replies - even the long one.  Clearly we can expect this
to be a very well attended session. Students take note: this would clearly
be a great dissertation/research topic.  -diane

> Diane,
> I'm pleased to hear that there will be a class on in-laws at Smart Marriages.
> In our recent research study that we completed on Korean-American marriages,
> in-law problems were number 2 on challenges. #1 was finance and #3 was
> infidelity. 
> Hyepin Im
------------------
> Diane, I was very pleased to see the focus on in-laws. If there was one
> omission in our premarital counseling, this is it. And it's a honker! My wife
> and I have spent hours and years working to "make" each others family's our
> own. But if there is one topic that comes up more than ANY other around the
> dinner table with young couples (or in private one-on-one conversations) it's
> how the heck do I get things to just feel normal?! Especially around the
> holidays. We have resorted to counseling couples that whenever you combine
> families (traditions, expectations, communication patterns, etc.) you have to
> expect serious friction. I borrow from the research on blended families, and
> challenge them to expect that it will take at least 4 years to even be
> comfortable and a lifetime to make them family (it obviously isn't
> generalizable, but it does provide perspective). It has given a lot of hope to
> other couples to know they are not the only ones wishing they could divorce
> their in-laws. Perspective and healthy expectations seem to give new energy to
> keep trying. Keep this research coming whenever you can! Thanks.
> JD 
------------------ 
> Diane,   I've often wondered why there is so little discussion of the in-law
> and grandparenting stages of life on the information you share.   I'm
> wondering if these researchers are going to deal with the really big elephant
> in the room (untalked about issue) which is that mothers of sons are left out
> in the cold when it comes to the grandkids.  Not so much that you freeze to
> death, but so much that you feel more like a stepgrandmother than a
> grandmother.  Daughter-in-laws might gather around and talk about their
> mother-in-law problems but the women in my age group (all of us having
> achieved that longed for status of grandmother) talk about how different it is
> to be the grandmother of our daughter's kids compared to being the grandmother
> of our son's kids.  We can't find exceptions, even going back through our own
> childhood memories and looking at our own grandmothers and greatgrandmothers -
> at their reputations and standing in our families.  In every single case it
> was our mom's mother that was the beloved and cherised grandmother and our
> dad's moms that was in that chilly place.  Of course we didn't notice until it
> started to happen to us. It was never clearly stated with our own
> grandmothers, it's just the way we thought it was, that our mom's mothers and
> grandmothers were nicer or better than our father's mothers or grandmothers -
> that clear preference and chill. In my group we probably never would have
> noticed it because not one of us wanted to admit that we weren't THE cherished
> grandmother or that we noticed that the other grandmother held a warm and
> inside position, but ONE BRAVE FRIEND shared how hurt and puzzled she felt,
> and that slowly began the discussion. I hate to admit how much time we now
> spend on this but it is a way we comfort ourselves.  Also there have been a
> few rifts in our group due to the fact that the mothers of daughters seem to
> take pride in feeling it's because of them and their cookies or personalities
> (and not their position) that earned them the favorite grandmother position.
> It helped in our group that a few of us have both sons and duaghters.   In our
> discussion we've found that even when we get along well with our
> daughter-in-law (we thought), we all got the slow realization that we were not
> going to have the same position with the kids as her mom was going to have.
> Even if, before she married our son she wasn't even close to her mother or
> even if she had a bad relationship with her mother. It might sound silly to
> someone who is not in this experience but it's like a million small insults
> and hurts all year round.  We've also agreed that we don't realize what was
> happening until a few years after the grandkids arrive.  The researchers need
> to look at this and someone should write a book about it so that mothers of
> sons are prepared. I do not think you can do anything to change it, but it
> helps to know it's not just you.  It really helps us so much in our group to
> be able to talk - AND LAUGH - about it as a PATTERN. Especially at the
> holidays. As you know, EXPECTATIONS are everything.  Seeing there is a pattern
> helps us be less angry at our daughter-in-laws - and our sons. Or at THE OTHER
> GRANDMOTHER. I can't tell you how much it helped me personally when we
> stumbled upon this.  I was one of the grandmothers that was in denial and
> trying to pretend that I hadn't noticed and I was definitely NOT going to
> admit to any of my friends that I wasn't feeling appreciated as a grandmother.
> It hurt too much and like there must be something wrong with me.  If you'd
> like to share this with the list I think it might help other grandmothers who
> will be able to identify but don't attach my name or location. I realize it's
> probably too long for your list but maybe you could forward it to the
> researcher team. I especially would hope they comment on this in San
> Francisco.  You can be sure I'll be in that session and that I'll buy the tape
> for my grandmother group. We can tell them these grandmother differences are a
> much bigger deal than any 'in-law' tensions.  It, of course, also affects the
> grandfathers.  Also, we do NOT talk about this with our kids.  Can't see that
> as doing anything except making things worse.
> - anon  

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- DYNAMIC MARRIAGE SEMINAR

Sharing this just because I love seeing courses like this listed on the web.
Remember you can spend time training with Dr Willard Harley in San Francisco
where he'll teach three different 90-min workshops.  - diane

Dynamic Marriage Seminar Offered by Alpharetta First United Methodist Church
The Weekly 
Alpharetta, GA (December 30, 2007) An eight week seminar, Dynamic Marriage,
will be offered on Sunday afternoons, beginning January 27, at Alpharetta
First United Methodist Church.

The program, led by John and Mary Jane Norris, is based on the work of Dr.
Willard Harley, Jr., a Minnesota psychologist and author who has discovered
a simple yet powerful way to strengthen any marriage. According to Dr.
Harley, the program ³takes a person from being incompatible to being
irresistible.²

The interactive seminar is limited to twelve couples, who will receive life
and marriage enhancing information.

The cost is $150 per couple and includes workbooks, audiotapes, 2 books by
Dr. Harley and the seminar itself. Scholarship assistance is available. To
register, or for more information, contact John & Mary Jane Norris at
770-343-8646. Alpharetta First United Methodist Church is located in
downtown Alpharetta, at 69 N. Main Street.

##########################
- READING MARRIAGE 

Here's what sounds like a fascinating new book, Reading Marriage in the
American Romance: Remembering Love as Destiny, by James Walter

> Walter studies marriage in Hawthorne's The House of the Seven Gables, James'
> The Beast in the Jungle, Morrison's Beloved, Percy's The Thanatos Syndrome,
> and Frazier's Cold Mountain. By proposing the image of marriage as an
> aesthetic principle in literature, Walter is making us aware that the forms of
> our lives are deeply embedded in and yet shaped by the narratives that are
> among our guiltiest and most profound pleasures."‹Robert Dupree, from the
> foreword

> Readers of these eight chapters stand to gain a better understanding of not
> only what marriage is, but also why it matters in the present climate of doubt
> as to whether committed love can he helped at all, particularly if it is
> burdened by the vow ³until death.²

I've got it posted on the Book List and would love to hear from anyone that
reads it.  http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist

  -diane 

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- DRAWING HEAVEN INTO YOUR MARRIAGE
> Hi Diane... 
> Not sure if you knew about Wally Goddard's new book, "Drawing Heaven into
> your Marriage."  It's written for an LDS (Mormon) audience, however, contains
> gems that anyone who loves marriage can champion.  I couldn't put it down.  I
> read the entire thing in two sittings and found myself being challenged on
> many different levels.  I've been married for 11 years and I've been a
> practicing MFT for the past 8 years.  It helped me re-think how I do marriage
> counseling and education.  Here's a link to a review of the book by the
> publisher:  http://www.meridianmagazine.com/books/071206heaven.html
> Geoff Steurer

The book isn't listed on amazon.com so I couldn't link to it from the
smartmarriages book list.  Let me know if it becomes available there so I
can link it.  But in meantime you can order it from Meridian and also plan
to check it out at the conference.  - diane

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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
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Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6

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