Empathy | Generation Next| In-Laws | Female Soldiers | Reconnecting - 12/26/07

[Smartmarriages]

- EMPATHY REACTIONS
- EMPATHY BUILDING TIPS
- GENERATION NEXT: WAITING TO MARRY
- THE EFFECT OF IN-LAWS ON MARRIAGE SUCCESS
- MORE ON MILITARY DIVORCE
- PUTTING THE PASSION BACK IN YOUR MARRIAGE
- 10 GREAT DATES: HELPING COUPLES RECONNECT

####################
- EMPATHY REACTIONS

First, I am stunned at how many of you are tuned in. I thought most everyone
would be gathered around the fireplace drinking egg nog - not reading the
list.  I'm amazed at the number of responses!

Also, btw, let me take this time to thank so many of you for your cards.  I
LOVE the family photos and the notes that catch me up with your lives.  I'm
also amazed at how many of those "what-we-did-in-2007" letters include your
Smart Marriages and Marriage Strengthening work! Even those of you with many
children - busy as can be, but including a paragraph or two on your marriage
work.  It warms the cockles of my heart.

But back to the point. MANY of you responded to my last post, the "empathy
article" to which I have to say "Ooops". I was very politely (and
empathically) accused of failing to have empathy for all the great marriage
education programs that teach empathy skills. I certainly did
(inadvertently!) exclude them when I related the Washington Post's article
on Empathy only to Bernard Guerney's Relationship Enhancement course. ALL
the marriage education courses - and I do mean ALL of them - are based on on
giving couples the skills and experiences so they can see things from their
partner's perspective, so that they can develop EMPATHY.  Sorry for that
oversight!  I do believe that Guerney uses the term specifically more than
others - in workbooks and exercises, but certainly all the programs are
designed to create empathy experiences. I won't list them all or give the
examples sent in, but let's just leave it that they ALL do so - and do it
well, "and always have".  - diane

#####################
- EMPATHY BUILDING TIPS

I also heard from Doug LaBier, author of the Post article, who points out
that I didn't include the link to the sidebar.  He's right, these exercises
might give you ideas to use with couples. Doug first attended Smart
Marriages in 1998.  -d

> Hi Diane, 
> Listserv readers might find the sidebar to my article helpful.  It included
> some specific practices for developing empathy with others, including intimate
> partners.  The Post's website has it in a separate download, on the same page
> of my article, under the title "Have a heart: Here's how"  -- here's the link:
> http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/21/AR200712210226
> 5.html?sid=ST2007122401220
> 
> In any case, thanks for putting my article on your postings -- hope readers
> find it helpful -- and keep up your good work!
> Best, 
> Doug LaBier 

########################

- GENERATION NEXT: WAITING TO MARRY

John Van Epp will address this issue in his keynote: "Waiting to Marry" at
the San Francisco Smart Marriages conference.

'Generation Next' in the Slow Lane to Adulthood
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=17429734
 

#####################
- THE EFFECT OF IN-LAWS ON MARRIAGE SUCCESS

This is a good article for this time of year.  I should probably have paired
it with the EMPATHY article for best effect.  Am excited that we'll have a
workshop in San Francisco on Mother's-in-Law, though this article points out
that in spite of all the derogatory jokes being about mothers-in-law,
relationships with fathers-in-law are just as critical to a happy marriage.
- diane  

Workshop in San Francisco:
> Don¹t Expect Me to Love Her
> Jean Turner, PhD, Carolyn Young, MDiv, Bill Bailey, PhD
> Mother-in-law/daughter-in-law harmony is critical to a happy marriage. Learn
> strategies for healing this volatile relationship and how (and why) to add
> MIL/DIL workshops to your CHMIs.

> Family Matters 
> December 20, 2007
> The Effect of In-Laws on Marriage Success

> In a 2001 Iowa University study, researchers looked into the connection
> between in-law relations and the future success of marriage, examining each
> relationship individually: mothers-in-law to sons-in-law, mothers-in-law to
> daughters-in-law, fathers-in-law to daughters-in-law, fathers-in-law to
> sons-in-law.  Each of these family relationships proved to be important
> indicators of the quality and ultimate success of the marriage. In other
> words, fathers-in-law as well as mothers-in-law can affect the quality of the
> younger couple's marital ties.
> 
> The researchers noted that this is true for two important reasons. "First,
> spouses are obligated to form familial bonds with these nonblood kin. As some
> researchers have noted, 'rarely is this forced relationship a natural match of
> kindred spirits.' (Berg-Cross, 1997, p. 177). Second, in-laws can create
> hostility and stress between spouses who have emotional and psychological
> loyalties to their own kin."
> 
> While the researchers noted more study is needed to fully understand the
> effects of in-law relationships, they did conclude that "even after an average
> of two decades of marriage, unhappiness and conflict with in-laws still leads
> to decreased perceptions of marital success. This is significant because it
> implies that the influence of in-laws continues far beyond the early years of
> marriage, when couples are probably most vulnerable to social influences on
> their marriage. Perhaps that vulnerability to the opinions and behaviors of
> those who are close to them never ends."

For the full article:
http://familymatters.vision.org/public/item/192944

#######################
- MORE ON MILITARY DIVORCE

The gap increases to grow between officers and enlisted but the real problem
is with female soldiers.  This article features analysis by Chaplain Pete
Frederich who opened the 2007 Smart Marriages Conference with the keynote
"Lessons from the Front" and by David Popenoe of The National Marriage
Project. As they point out, the military experience mirrors what's happening
in the civilian population with the Marriage Gap being driven by education.
The research about the higher divorce rate for female soldiers is focusing
on understanding the experiences of "military husbands".

> But while the rate of divorce among males has increased gradually in the past
> six years, the rate among women has skyrocketed. By September of 2007, female
> soldiers were filing for divorce at a rate three times greater than the Army's
> men. . . .
> 
> While the number of divorcing officers fell drastically following the 2004
> spike, the number of divorcing enlisted soldiers has continued to rise. More
> noncommissioned soldiers ended their marriages last year than at any time
> since 2001. . . .
> 
> Enlisted soldiers tend to have less life experience when they join the
> military, White said, and might rush into marriage unprepared for the
> challenges ahead. . . .
> 
> In a report published earlier this year, David Popenoe of the National
> Marriage Project observed "the growth of a marriage and divorce 'gap' between
> differently educated segments of the population." Those who have completed
> college - around a quarter of the population, Popenoe wrote - divorce at a
> rate much lower than less-educated persons.

For the full article:
> http://www.sltrib.com/News/ci_7791109#

############################
- PUTTING THE PASSION BACK IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Great article from Hitchedmag.com - the causes of the loss of passion and
clear tips for getting it back and great that the tips start with:

> What to do: 
> * Learn active listening skills. Learn active listening skills. Don¹t wait:
> Learn Active Listening Skills!


<http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=420>

###########################
- 10 GREAT DATES: HELPING COUPLES RECONNECT

A sure way to build empathy AND put passion back in your marriage and a
great idea for building in an incentive for attendance - and to think it
worked during this busy holiday season. - diane

> Diane, here's a recent article on our 10 Great Dates program.  The reporter
> mentions there were "over 10" couples in attendance the night he came to
> observe, but we had 39 couples sign up, and we are averaging about 25 couples
> each date night (not every couple can make it every time, unfortunately). In
> fact we know there were at least 14 couples there that night.  Some of them
> are very invested because of a contest we are running: any couple who has
> attended ALL 10 DATES will be entered in a drawing to win a free weekend in a
> condo at Myrtle Beach (donated by a local travel agent).  So far fourteen
> couples are still in the running. I keep reminding them that they'll never
> have better odds at winning something in their life.  One couple cut their
> vacation short by a day so they wouldn't miss date night!
> Larry Compter, Executive Director
> The Marriage Alliance of Central Virginia
 
"Great dates: helping couples reconnect"
By Liz Barry
lbarry at newsadvance.com
December 14, 2007

It is never too late to date.

That's the gist of the "10 Great Dates" program, designed to help couples
reclaim the spark in their marriage. Larry Compter, Executive Director of
the Marriage Alliance of Central Virginia, launched the program at Grace
Evangelical Free Church this fall. "There's a marriage taboo," Compter says.
"People don't talk about their marriages."

To counter this taboo, "10 Great Dates" helps couples explore their
relationships - what works and what needs to improve.

Here's how it works. On the first Friday of each month, couples gather at
the church to watch a relationship-themed video (childcare is provided by
the church). After a short debriefing, they head out on dates.

Dec. 7 marked the fourth round of dates. The theme changes each month. The
first three focused on the building blocks of relationships: communication,
conflict management and being intentional about marriage; December's theme
is becoming an encourager for your spouse.

Compter encourages the couples to discuss the issues brought up in the video
while they are on the dates.

More than 10 couples sit at tables in a church classroom decorated for
Christmas. They've just finished watching the video and are about to head
out. Hassan and Betsy Thomas are still undecided on their date destination.
Married for two and a half years, the couple heard about the program through
their church.

For Hassan, the program has reminded him about the give and take necessary
for healthy relationships. For Betsy, it's reminded her to appreciate the
small things.

Jamie and Kim Mitchell, married for five years, will head to The Villa, a
nearby Italian restaurant. At one point during their marriage, Jamie was
working 90- to 100-hour weeks. The couple did not have much time to spend
together.

Jamie has since switched jobs, but Kim has demanding hours as a biomedical
research student at the University of Virginia.

"It guarantees that we will have a date at least once a month," Kim says.

"10 Great Dates" is one of several programs sponsored by the Marriage
Alliance of Central Virginia, a faith-based nonprofit organization. Other
programs range from advice for singles, like "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk
or Jerkette," to workshops for troubled marriages.

The Marriage Alliance is an outgrowth of the Lynchburg Area Marriage
Covenant, which was signed in 2001 by a group of local clergy pledging to
provide more marriage support and to encourage couples to date for at least
a year before marriage. Compter says clergy were concerned that churches
were becoming "wedding factories."

"The people in their pews were splitting up," Compter says. "Families were
falling apart. There was a lot of fallout from that."

Compter, who quit his job of over 30 years to lead the Marriage Alliance,
says that programs like "10 Great Dates" can do a lot for a relationship.

"Soul mates are made, not born," he says.

FOR MORE INFORMATION:
Visit www.marriagealliance.org or call (434) 455-2117.

########################

Send submissions and comments for the listserv to: diane at smartmarriages.com
Do NOT hit "reply". If you hit reply your email will go into cyberspace and
NO ONE will see your email.

This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee,
editor. Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.
PLEASE include your email address and/or url as part of your signature.

Please also understand that with thousands of subscribers, not all comments
can be shared. Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily
shared by members of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newsletter/Listserv -
in the left column under the puzzle piece.

To read past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/

12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
July 2 - 5, 2008  
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.