EMPATHY: Could it be What You're Missing? - 12/26/07

[Smartmarriages]

- EDD: EMPATHY DEFICIT DISORDER

Amazing article in the Christmas edition of the Washington Post Health
section that I expect will increase registrations for the empathy-based
Relationship Enhancement pre- and post-conference training institutes in San
Francisco. Love the new acronym - EDD.

Check out the institutes.  #913 is especially interesting, an add-on
designation for Relationship Enhancement-affiliated MFTs.

> 103 Three Days - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, June 30, July 1 & 2
> Mastering the Mysteries of Love & Love¹s Cradle
> Mary Ortwein, MS
> Qualify to teach three programs: the original Classic RE plus two new
> simplified programs, Mastering the Mysteries of Love, and Love's Cradle (for
> couples with an infant). Plus add-on special focus seminars. Ideal for
> low-income, community or church based. Spanish version available. $150 spouse
> discount. Click for more information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/re.html

>  913
> One Day - Sunday, July 6
> RE and MML for Therapists
> Mary Ortwein, MS, Rob Scuka, PhD, Dennis Stoica, MBA
> Therapists already trained in Relationship Enhancement or Mastering the
> Mysteries of Love programs will learn how to apply these skills in therapy and
> qualify for the RE/MML-therapist designation on the California Coalition and
> RE referral websites. Get listed! $50 spouse discount. Click for more
> information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/mml.therapists.html

- diane  

Empathy: Could It Be What You're Missing?
A Washington Psychotherapist Suggests How to Tell . . . and How to Treat the
Symptoms
By Douglas LaBier
Special to The Washington Post
December 25, 2007

You may not realize it, but a great number of people suffer from EDD.

No, you're not reading a misprint of ADD or ED. The acronym stands for
empathy deficit disorder.

Nor will you find it listed in the American Psychiatric Association's
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, even though that tome
has been expanding as normal variations of mood and temperament have
increasingly been defined as disorders. I'm hesitant to suggest adding
another one. But this one is real.

Based on my 35 years of experience as a psychotherapist, business
psychologist and researcher, I have come to believe that EDD is a pervasive
but overlooked condition with profound consequences for the mental health of
individuals and of our society. People who suffer from EDD are unable to
step outside themselves and tune in to what other people experience. That
makes it a source of personal conflicts, of communication failure in
intimate relationships, and of the adversarial attitudes -- even hatred --
among groups of people who differ in their beliefs, traditions or ways of
life.

Take the man who reported to me that his wife was complaining that he didn't
spend enough time with their children, that she had most of the burden
despite having a career of her own. "Yeah, I see her point," he says in a
neutral voice, "but I need time for my sports activities on the weekends.
I'm not going to give that up. And at night I'm tired, I want to veg out."
As we talked further, it became clear to me that he was unable to experience
what his wife's world was like for her.

Or the computer executive who prided himself on having a stable family life,
then casually told me that, even though he believed in the environmental
threat of global warming, he couldn't care less. "I'll be long gone when New
York is under water," he said. And when I asked him whether he cared about
how it might affect his kids or grandkids, he replied with a grin: "Hey,
that's their problem."

Or the woman who works in the financial industry who told me she's
indifferent to how American Muslims might feel: "I think they're all
terrorists," she said, "and would like to kill us all, anyway."

These may sound like extreme examples, but I hear variations of those themes
all the time. By breeding this kind of emotional isolation, EDD is
particularly dangerous in today's increasingly interconnected, global world.
It plays out in ways both small and large: In troubled intimate
relationships, when partners become locked into adversarial positions; and
in warfare between groups with different beliefs, such as Palestinians and
Israelis locked in a death grip.
Feeling Others' Pain

Unlike sympathy -- which reflects understanding of another person's
situation, but viewed through your own lens -- empathy is what you feel when
you enter the internal world of another person. Without abandoning your own
perspective, you experience the other's emotions, conflicts or aspirations.
That kind of connection builds healthy relationships -- an essential part of
mental health.

EDD develops when people focus too much on acquiring power, status and money
for themselves at the expense of developing those healthy relationships.
Nearly every day we hear or read about people who have been derailed by the
pursuit of money and recognition and end up in rehab or behind bars. But
many of the people I see, whether therapy patients or career and business
clients, struggle with their own versions of the same thing. They have
become alienated from their own hearts and equate what they have with who
they are.

The net result is that we don't recognize that we're all one, bound
together. We only see ourselves. I sometimes invite people to think of it
this way: When you cut your finger, you don't say, "That's my finger's
problem, not mine"; nor do you do a cost-benefit analysis before deciding
whether to take action.

You respond immediately because you feel the pain.
What's So Funny?

Recent research shows that the capacity to feel what another person feels is
hard-wired through what are called mirror neurons. Functional magnetic
resonance imagery (fMRI) showed that brain regions involving both emotions
and physical sensations light up in someone who observes or becomes aware of
another person's pain or distress. Similarly, research shows that altruistic
behavior lights up the pleasure centers of the brain usually associated with
food or sex.

Just as you can develop EDD by too much self-absorption, you can also
overcome EDD by retraining your brain to take advantage of what is known as
neuroplasticity. Similar research shows that as you refocus your thoughts,
feelings and behavior in the direction you desire, the brain regions
associated with them are reinforced. What's more, changing your brain
activity reinforces the changes you're making in your thinking. The result
is a self-reinforcing loop between your conscious attitudes, your behavior
and your brain activity.

By focusing on developing empathy, you can deepen your understanding and
acceptance of how and why people do what they do and you can build respect
for others. This doesn't mean that you are whitewashing the differences you
have with other people or letting them walk over you. Rather, empathy gives
you a stronger, wiser base for resolving conflicts and trumps self-centered,
knee-jerk reactions to surface differences.

It puts you in a frame of mind where the words of the Elvis Costello song
resonate: "What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding?"

#######################
Send submissions and comments for the listserv to: diane at smartmarriages.com
Do NOT hit "reply". If you hit reply your email will go into cyberspace and
NO ONE will see your email.

This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee,
editor. Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.
PLEASE include your email address and/or url as part of your signature.

Please also understand that with thousands of subscribers, not all comments
can be shared. Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily
shared by members of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newsletter/Listserv -
in the left column under the puzzle piece.

To read past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/

12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
July 2 - 5, 2008  
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.