Marriage Boot Camp | Leaving the Light On | Premarital Prep | Boot Camp - 12/18/07

[Smartmarriages]

- JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: HOW TO GET A DIVORCE
- SEXLESS MARRIAGES
- YET ANOTHER PART OF THE PROBLEM: LACK OF PREMARITAL PREPARATION
- MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP

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- JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: HOW TO GET A DIVORCE

This was a feature piece in today's Washington Post HEALTH section, I guess
because this season is peak season for divorce filings. Oy. We can do better
than this.

How Can I Get a Good Divorce?
<http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/14/AR200712140
2038.html> 

Maybe if the Post would just add a bit of reality testing, like maybe send
people to the StepTogether.com website (a stepmoms support group) to read
the essays like this one on "Disengaging" ....DH is (dear husband) SK (is
stepkid) etc:  http://www.steptogether.com/disengaging.html
- diane 
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- SEXLESS MARRIAGES

Definitely part of the problem and something we'll tackle in SF with
Keynotes: "Sex Starved Wife" by Michele Weiner-Davis, "Marriage Integrity"
by Hot Monogamy author, Pat Love; and "Love Celebration" by John Gray; plus
master workshops by Ester Perel "Mating in Captivity",  Barry McCarthy and
Michael Metz "Married Sex for Men", Joe Beam "Ecstasy Without Guilt", Mark
Laaser "Internet Sex and Porn Addiction"; plus full-day training institutes
by Lasser and McCarthy: http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html


20 million sexless marriages
United Press International
Dec. 16, 2007 

NEW YORK, Dec. 16 (UPI) -- About 20 million U.S. marriages are believed to
be sexless, according to a new survey.

Among the 4,000 men polled by New York City sexologist and author Bob
Berkowitz and his writer wife, Susan Yager-Berkowitz, 68 percent of men
blame their wives for failing to ignite their passions.

Husbands, among other things, complained "she doesn't seem to enjoy it," the
New York Post reported Sunday.

"I'm game for almost anything," one 30-year-old man responded to the online
survey, "but her idea of adventurous sex is leaving the light on."

In follow-up interviews, men complained their wives would neither perform
certain sex acts nor show enthusiasm in the bedroom.

"For some guys it may mean that she's not doing what they see online, which
is unrealistic," Berkowitz said.

About half of the males surveyed said they were interested in sex, but with
people other than their wife, the newspaper reported.

"If these guys are not having sex with their wives, they're probably having
affairs," Berkowitz said.

© 2007 United Press International

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- YET ANOTHER PART OF THE PROBLEM: LACK OF PREMARITAL PREPARATION

December is not just the peak season for divorce filings, it's also,
paradoxically, the peak season for engagements.  And, as this article points
out we know we need an engagement ring but so few couples get premarital
education.  I know that if you're on this list you don't need any
encouragement to help spread the word about the MANY MANY easy-to-teach,
cost-efficient, effective premarital programs now available but check out
those listed here: 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html#type_25
If your program isn't listed or you aren't offering these programs in your
community, put this at the top of your New Year's resolutions.  - diane

Just one example, The First Dance, an exemplary TEACH-OUT-OF-THE-BOX
program, fits the points made in this article, point-by-point:

Father/daughter team, Bill Doherty and Elizabeth Thomas,
created The First Dance, an out-of-the-box program to help engaged couples
manage the people stress of wedding planning. There is plenty of
advice for the logistics of wedding planning, but very little for the
hardest part - the people, the personalities, and their complicated
relationships. The program offers guidance about how to avoid the
predictable misunderstandings during this exciting but stressful time.
DVD-based, with Leader¹s guide & workbooks. Teach groups or
individual couples, or couples/parents can watch at home. Recipient
of the 2007 Modern Bride Trendsetter award.

> Of 300 clinical social workers in Massachusetts listed in the Social Work
> Therapy Referral Service, a free database provided by the state chapter of the
> National Association of Social Workers, only three - including Licht -
> specifically mention premarital counseling or therapy, says Barbara Burka,
> director of the service.

> The American Psychological Association doesn't have a category for prenuptial
> counseling, says spokeswoman Pam Willenz.

> "As an educated guess, I'd say less than 5 percent of weddings get that kind
> of counseling," says the bridal association's Brown. He recalls at least one
> ordained minister in his area, near Bakersfield, Calif., who offered couples
> counseling in preparation for weddings. "It should be bigger, but it's not,"
> he says.

Before 'I do'
Couples say "we will" most often in December, so wedding therapists now have
lots of work
The Boston Globe 
Andreae Downs, Globe Correspondent
December 16, 2007

No two ways about it: When it comes to love and marriage, spring gets the
good press. Always has, always will. Then and now, it's the birds, the bees,
the flowers.

But December is the real month for thinking about love, says Mimi Licht.
She's a licensed clinical social worker, who this fall began marketing a
counseling service in Greater Boston for the newly engaged. And this month
kicks off her busy season.

Indeed, the month of big presents, says a Conde Nast Bridal Group study, is
also the most popular one for popping The Question. The ring comes as a
holiday gift.

"It's true," said Kyle Brown, executive director of the 500-member Bridal
Association of America. "I guess men are cheap."

If the answer to the proposal is "Yes," in steps Licht, who advises loving
couples to face up quickly to the hazards that can wreck a wedding or the
marriage afterward.

She's seen it all: the Boston bride who feared walking down the aisle, the
alcoholic Brighton mom who threatened to ruin the reception, the
overcritical Brookline groom whom the bride eventually dumped (she's now
married to a "real sweetheart," Licht says).

Couples are also regularly building bridges between religions and cultures.
"You see that just walking around Coolidge Corner," says Licht, of the
couples she observes there.

Licht, who has been practicing in Brookline for 18 years, says she regularly
encounters betrothed people who dread the changes that marriage will bring.

"This is a complete shift in how they think of themselves," she says. Many
Brookline singles are older and independent before taking the plunge into
marriage, she says. They have their own careers, finances, and condos.

"People find it hard to talk about negative thoughts at a time when they are
expected to be gloriously happy," Licht says. But the period right after
engagement, she counsels, is the perfect time to start laying the foundation
for a happy marriage.

"I encourage couples to think about more than their fabulous wedding - to
think about how they are going to be as a couple," she says.

Though Licht, who earned her master's from Boston University, is hardly
alone in offering prenuptial therapy, her focus is distinctive.

Of 300 clinical social workers in Massachusetts listed in the Social Work
Therapy Referral Service, a free database provided by the state chapter of
the National Association of Social Workers, only three - including Licht -
specifically mention premarital counseling or therapy, says Barbara Burka,
director of the service.

"It's unusual that she has such a specialty in it," Burka says of Licht.
"It's taking it to a new level."

The American Psychological Association doesn't have a category for
prenuptial counseling, says spokeswoman Pam Willenz. But others in the
industry had heard of similar services.

"As an educated guess, I'd say less than 5 percent of weddings get that kind
of counseling," says the bridal association's Brown. He recalls at least one
ordained minister in his area, near Bakersfield, Calif., who offered couples
counseling in preparation for weddings. "It should be bigger, but it's not,"
he says.

Licht says that in the past, clergy or family elders would provide the kinds
of advice that she does today. But as Americans have become more mobile,
many have lost the deep community connections that both aid the vetting of
future spouses and support couples once they are wed, she says. This
rootlessness contributes to the dismaying statistic that the number of
divorces has been about half the number of weddings since roughly 1975,
according to Centers for Disease Control statistics.

"I've observed and thought a lot about how disconnected people feel because
we don't stay in one community or one job for 35 years anymore," Licht says.
"People get isolated and feel they have to deal with every issue on their
own."

Many successful couples build their own communities of friends or family,
join a church or synagogue, or create a group of professionals to guide
them: therapists, lawyers, doctors - or even manicurists and beauticians,
she says.

Licht's specialty "is a fabulous idea," says Ronny Sydney, a practicing
divorce lawyer in Brookline. "There's a huge need. . . . To grab it early
like that is wonderful."

Licht, who has been in private practice as a social worker for 25 years,
became interested in couples therapy a few years ago after a stint as a
board member of the Divorce Center Inc., a Framingham-based nonprofit that
provides a state-required course for couples with young children who are
applying for divorce.

That work got Licht thinking about couples as they marry, and how little
attention they pay to preparing for married life. "Teaching that class, I
felt how sad it was," she says. "Divorce is so painful, it would have been
better to put that effort into thinking about marriage and children at the
beginning."

Some of the tensions that a couple will face throughout their time together,
Licht says, get exposed shortly after the engagement announcement: ethnic
differences, for example, parental opposition to the marriage, or shaky
finances. Or as dates are set for high-end weddings and planning commences -
often with the help of dozens of professionals, says Licht - stress erupts.

Licht's services include helping bridal shops deal with stressed-out brides
- or mother-daughter dynamics. "Clerks tell me that the real story comes out
in the dressing room," where daughters reveal their battles with Mom over
control, says Licht.

These issues crop up often enough that Licht was invited to give a talk
about "The Challenging Bride" to a conference of wedding industry
professionals this fall.

But her real focus is on the couple and their future.

That approach was helpful to Melissa Nunes-Harwitt of Rochester, who is now
married with a young son. Roughly six years ago, when she lived in
Brookline, she worked with Licht both before and after her engagement.

"Wedding planning is its own phenomenon," Nunes-Harwitt says. "It brought up
issues of communication and control: who makes the decisions, who does the
work."

Nunes-Harwitt says Licht helped her see the wedding as the first project she
and her future husband would work on together. Figuring out early
communication and control difficulties made later ones easier to resolve.

Licht agrees. "I tell people, 'Think about what you are doing as you are
planning the wedding: You are learning to compromise, to make decisions
together, to share space.' "

Licht's work also extends to same-sex couples, who, she says, have the same
kinds of pre- and post-wedding issues.

Most commonly, Licht says, wedding difficulties revolve around divorced
parents, finances, who should be involved in the ceremony, how to deal with
a parent's new spouse, and how to arrange group photos or seating. Another
point of friction can be the wedding budget. According to the Bridal
Association of America, the average wedding today costs nearly $30,000.

"There's pressure to keep up with what others are doing: the unique
invitation, the service, the reception - it's very competitive," Licht says.
"It's complex, and this all goes on between the engaged people and their
parents."

After the wedding, the focus shifts to communication between spouses.

"With a life partner, you will be sharing parts of your life that were
formerly private," Licht says.

Some areas, now secret, will need to be divulged or abandoned. The stash of
Internet porn. The hope of a reunion with an ex. That pile of credit card
debt. The coke habit. The Swiss bank account . . .

"Secretiveness undermines a relationship," Licht says. "Trust is the most
important foundation."

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- MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP

Apparently this show is still on the air. If anyone has been watching it
consistently, I'd appreciate a summary/review.  - diane

Show's drills help shape up couple's marriage
Corpus Christi Caller Times
Lisa Hinojosa
December 13, 2007

Enlisting in relationship boot camp a year ago was not Jimmy Leinweber's
idea but he was more than willing to join the draft.

"(My wife, Jessica,) was ready to pack her bags. Before all these people
called, I remember telling her, 'Just give me through the holidays,' " Jimmy
said.

In response to an application Jessica submitted, representatives from The
Learning Channel program "Marriage Camp" contacted the couple.

An episode spotlighting Jimmy, 28, and Jessica Leinweber, 30, will broadcast
at 7 p.m. today on the Discovery Health Channel.

When they filmed the episode in November 2006, they had been married six
years. Both grew up in divorced households.

"Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. I didn't want to be in that 50
percent. I was willing to do whatever it took," Jimmy said.

With the couple's consent, a production crew traveled to Corpus Christi for
filming. The couple then headed to the Dallas area for a seminar where they
joined at least a dozen other couples, including some from Canada and
Denmark. Six of the couples, including Jimmy and Jessica, were filmed for
two episodes.

Each morning for four days, the couple met cameras at the elevator and
reported to the lobby at 7 a.m. The seminar involved games and drills
designed to elevate issues and complaints the spouses had been repressing.
Most of the activities called for role-playing as trainers assumed the
personas of parents and exes so the participants could express emotions
without confronting the actual people. Participants were dismissed each
night at 11 p.m.

"By the second day, I was mentally drained," Jimmy said.

Despite the rigorous schedule, Jimmy said he would do it again in a
heartbeat. He credits the seminar with saving his marriage.

"We had been married for nearly seven years and we had our first
conversation at this boot camp," Jimmy said. "We sat down with each other
and actually listened to each other."

Contact Lisa Hinojosa at 886-3617 or hinojosa at caller.com

Caller.com Scripps Howard