Mating in Captivity | Divorce isn't Green | TEE Time - 12/ 03/ 07

Mon Dec 3 23:37:50 EST 2007

- MATING IN CAPTIVITY
- DIVORCE: BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT
- SPEAKING OF GREENS

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- MATING IN CAPTIVITY

> Diane, 
> I just found a review of Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity.  I'm thrilled
> that she'll be in San Francisco (at least I see she's on your conference flier
> and am hopeful that that's definite), but reading this makes me want to lobby
> for a keynote spot for her.
> Mike 

Dear Mike, 
Yes, Esther will present in San Francisco in a 90 minute workshop which
actually gives you much more time with her than you'd have in a keynote.
Also much more up close and personal. But I know what you mean, this is
something the whole quorum would enjoy.  But, there's always next year. Be
sure to suggest keynotes for any presenters you think everyone should hear.
- diane  

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Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic
By Courtney E. Martin, AlterNet.
November 28, 2007.

Could more distance be the key to keeping the passion in long-term
relationships?

In Esther Perel's insightful, beautifully written book Mating in Captivity:
Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, out in paperback this month, she
argues that we have lost sight of THE CRITICAL BALANCE that makes a
relationship great -- intimacy and distance. In her private psychotherapy
practice in New York, she's seen too many couples wrapped up in our
workaholic, kid-focused culture; the true loss, she argues, is sensuality
and pleasure -- vital ingredients to a life well-lived.

Her seemingly paradoxical argument -- that less togetherness can lead to
more intimacy -- has been a global hit. Mating in Captivity has been
published in the United States, Spain, Italy, Germany, Canada, France,
Norway, Sweden, Taiwan, Brazil, Israel, Australia, the United Kingdom,
Belgium and the Netherlands, and it will soon be available in Greece, Japan,
Poland, Portugal, Romania and Turkey. AlterNet caught up with this global
traveler long enough to ask a few questions about her vision for more
satisfying partnerships. Her answers are telling, but perhaps even more
refreshing is that she embodies her message. Esther is playful, thoughtful,
sexy and thoroughly independent. See for yourself ...

Courtney Martin: Tell us about a defining moment that led to the writing of
this book.

Esther Perel: At the time of the Clinton affair, I was intrigued at how
adultery could become a matter of national political agenda in the U.S. WHY
WAS IT, I WONDERED, THAT THIS COUNTRY SEEMED QUITE TOLERANT OF DIVORCE, AND
RATHER INTOLERANT OF INFIDELITY, WHEN THE REST OF THE WORLD HAD
TRADITIONALLY BEEN MORE TOLERANT OF INFIDELITY AND LESS SO OF DIVORCE?
Around the same time I was at a national conference on couples therapy and,
there too, I was struck by the overemphasis on pathology and the lack of any
mention of the words pleasure or eroticism when addressing a couple's sexual
life. The claim that sexual problems were always the result of relational
problems, and that one should fix the relation and the sex would follow, did
not bear true for me. I saw loving, caring couples whose desire was
flatlined, not resulting from a breakdown in intimacy. So I began to
question a host of assumptions pertaining to sexuality and intimacy in
long-term relations that were spoken as truths; they seemed unexamined to
me. . . . 

Order the book now and have her sign it in San Francisco. It helps if you
order it through the Smart Marriages/Amazon link:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist
It will help us get her back for a keynote in '09 if we show her that book
sales happen through our coalition!

For the full review: http://www.alternet.org/sex/68940/

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- DIVORCE: BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT

Marriage: Eco-friendlier than divorce?
By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY
December 3, 2007 

Divorce isn't green, says a study being published today.

The research, led by ecologist Jianguo "Jack" Liu, a Michigan State
University professor of fisheries and wildlife, looked at international data
comparing utility consumption and housing space per capita in married and
divorced households. He found that divorce creates more households with
fewer people, using more energy and water and taking up more space.

The analysis, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of
Sciences, does not look at the environmental impact of singles who have
never been married, but Liu says he plans to look at singles in a subsequent
study.

"If you have more households as a result of divorce, then you would need
more housing units, and if you need to build more houses or apartments, that
means you need more land, and that will contribute to urban sprawl," he
says.

Others familiar with such issues caution that the divorce link to the
environment is a bit of a stretch.

While divorce leads to smaller household size on average for a population,
"it's not just divorce," says social demographer Ronald Rindfuss of the
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, who has studied the
relationship between population and the environment for more than a decade.
"There's a whole variety of factors that have been leading to people living
in dwelling units containing smaller units of people. Divorce is just one."

Matt Golden, founder of San Francisco home energy audit company Sustainable
Spaces, says overall household space is increasing while occupancy is
shrinking.

Liu acknowledges that not all people who divorce create two households; some
move into existing households with friends or relatives. But the data he
analyzed considered only those in which the divorced person was a head of
household.

This analysis also did not compare married and divorced households with
other types, such as cohabiting or those living alone. The aim was comparing
married with divorced, he says.

"Environmental impacts of divorce and other lifestyles such as separation
should be considered when making personal choices," the report says.

Liu says it took four years to analyze the stats, which include
international census data from the 2000 Integrated Public Use Microdata in
12 countries; data from 1970-2001 from the USA, Greece and Ecuador; and the
Panel Study of Income Dynamics, a sample of 3,283 U.S. households from 2001
to 2005.

So what about options such as communes, where more people live under one
roof?

"That's one possibility for people to consider," Liu says.

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- SPEAKING OF GREENS

> Play Golf at the Presidio - San Francisco's Favorite 18 Holes. Individual tee
> times can be made 30 days in advance
> at http://www.presidiogolf.com or through their 24 hr reservation line
> 415/561-4653.  

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