Resources : Couple Check-Up| Mediation Tools | Effects on Business | Faulty Presumptions | Marriage as an Egg - 12-1-07

[Smartmarriages]

- THE COUPLES CHECK UP
- GUT-LEVEL REALITY-CHECK TOOLS FOR WORKING WITH DIVORCING PARENTS
- BUMPERS
- MARRIAGE/DIVORCE EFFECTS ON BUSINESS
- FAULTY PRESUPPOSITIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE SET STRAIGHT
- YOUR MARRIAGE AS AN EGG

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- THE COUPLES CHECK UP

> Hi Diane,
> The article on the Marriage Checkup was enlightening. My husband and I are
> leaders of the Family Life Ministries Department of our church. In addition,
> we've been married 16 years and believe this checkup could be helpful to us
> and the couples in our church. Is it possible to get a copy of the Marriage
> Checkup? I'd be very interested in doing so. Things do tend to get a little
> stale and complacent after several years of marriage and a checkup could
> spruce things up a bit. Thanks for your help and the wonderful articles you
> share. 
> Stephanie 

I don't know how to get a copy of James Cordova's Marriage Check-Up, the
instrument in his ongoing research project in Massachusetts featured in
Marriage Stethoscope article http://tinyurl.com/2de47d  Wonder if it's
available for use outside the project?  Maybe he'd like to share the
instrument - post it on the Directory and maybe present in San Francisco.
If anyone has info/contact with him, please send it.

But I do know that David Olson, creator of PREPARE/ENRICH, and his team have
developed a Couples Check-Up that is available online that WILL be presented
at the San Francisco Smart Marriages Conference.  I forwarded your inquiry
to the Life Innovations team - here is their info:

Diane:
Stephanie is correct that a marriage checkup can be a great way for couples
to prevent their relationship from becoming "stale and complacent".  Too
many couples allow things to slowly disintegrate before seeking help; and
most wait too long before getting the help they need. A relationship checkup
promotes discussion and motivates behavior change.

In the last year, we've developed a new enrichment tool called the Couple
Checkup (http://www.CoupleCheckup.com) that allows dating, engaged, or
married couples to take an online inventory in the privacy of their own
home. The assessment is automatically customized to fit any relationship
stage or structure based on how a couple answers a few preliminary
background items. Once finished, the system generates a 15-20 page
personalized report along with an extensive Discussion Guide. It's designed
for couples to use on their own, but they can email a copy of their report
to a mentor, counselor, or clergy if they'd like additional coaching.

So far, the biggest users are married couples, which we find encouraging.
(Our PREPARE/ENRICH inventories tend to reach many more premarital couples
than married.) The on-line convenience let's couples, who might not
otherwise go to a counselor, get objective feedback about their marriage.

Several of the federally funded grants in California, Arkansas, Colorado,
and New Mexico are already using the Checkup. They like the features that
let them plug the tool into their own websites and get a summary report for
groups as well. We'll be introducing a fully integrated Spanish version
online in 2008.

Peter Larson, PhD, LP
Vice President
Life Innovations, Inc
http://www.CoupleCheckup.com
##########################
- GUT-LEVEL REALITY-CHECK TOOLS FOR WORKING WITH DIVORCING PARENTS

Hi Diane,
 
In addition to my work with The Dibble Institute (presenting and training on
our curricula for Youth) I also work at the Conciliation Court in Flagstaff
mediating parenting plans with divorcing parents.
 
We work on the extremely challenging transition from being a couple to
being ONLY co-parents, and we brainstorm ideas to help them stay focused on
the best interest of the children they both love.
 
I've written a guide for them to read before they come to the mediation and
I give them 5 minutes to review it again before I start our mediation. The
guidelines are also used in a 4-hour parenting class mandated by the Court.
 
It just occurred to me that many on the list may be doing similar work, and
I would be honored if anyone could find a use for the guidelines.
 
Another thing that I do that works extremely well is I ask them to bring
photos of their kids to the mediation. Even people who seem to have
unadulterated hatred for each other soften when the pictures come out. I
leave them lying in the middle of the table and keep pointing to them when
I'm focusing trying to come to agreements *in the kid's best interests*. We
have a judge who works with most of the divorce/custody cases and I've
suggested to her that she find a way to project a picture of the children
when she has the parents before her. She's thinking about it...
 
Bob Tures
bob at dibbleinstitute.org

I've posted Bob's guidelines on the "Before You Even Think About Divorce
Page" - download at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/uploaded/Co-Parenting%20Guidelines.pdf

##########################
- BUMPERS

> Hi, Diane, You have me truly curious about your bumper sticker.  It must be
> really a keeper if it is challenging people.  How do we get a few?
> We are working on the "What Can You Do For Your Marriage" campaign for the
> USCCB for the Diocese of Burlington.  Thanks, Margaret
> 
All they say is SmartMariages.com but that's all it takes to pique
curiosity.  And, *pique* is the right term ­ the "M" word can tap curiosity
but can also annoy.  I've had people try to scrape mine off my car (I have
them both front and back). To order:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/bumper.html

####################
- MARRIAGE/DIVORCE EFFECTS ON BUSINESS

> May I ask for references about the impact of difficulties in marriage and
> divorce on the work place; any statistics?   Genevieve Davis

Whenever you need marriage information of any kind, please visit the Reports
and Research page at http://www.smartmarriages.com/marriage.reports.html

For this info, start with this report - it's about six items down:
Marriage & Family Wellness: Corporate America¹s Business? - The Marriage
CoMission, 2006

You'll also find all kinds of reports/stats/arguments/tools you can use.  -d

#####################

- FAULTY PRESUPPOSITIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE SET STRAIGHT

This is a wonderful resource - a compilation of faulty assumptions that get
us in so much trouble and the research that sets them straight. We keep
saying people can get smarter about marriage.  Distribute this article as a
great first step to greater marriage intelligence.  - diane

DIVORCE OFTEN DOESN'T BRING EXPECTED RESULTS
GEORGIA FAMILY COUNCIL
11/28/07
By RANDY HICKS

I¹m fairly confident that the following conversation takes place every day
somewhere in Georgia:

³I¹m just not happy anymore. I used to be. I mean, I was excited to be
married to her, excited about the prospect of having and raising children
together ... even growing old together. But now it¹s too hard. We argue over
so many things and we don¹t even enjoy being together. I just want to be
happy again.²

³Well, you deserve to be happy. I hate to say this and hope you¹ll forgive
me for doing so but ... perhaps it¹s time to start over.²

³Are you talking about divorce? I can¹t do that. The kids!²

³Sure, it will be hard at first, but they¹ll be fine in the long haul. Kids
are resilient. And besides, their happiness will return after awhile; but if
you don¹t get out you might never be happy.²

(With sense of resignation) ³Maybe you¹re right. Plus, if this thing
deteriorates much further, our home environment will be even worse. How
damaging will that be for the kids? Living with unhappy parents will really
hurt them.² ³Right!²

³Ya know, I must admit that I¹ve thought about this...but I never wanted to,
well, say it out loud. I¹ve got to give this some more thought. I just want
to be happy again...and I don¹t think that can happen in this marriage.²
Now, I know words on paper can¹t necessarily communicate the depth of
despair and frustration expressed in a conversation like this. But there¹s a
pretty good chance the sentiment expressed in those words are at least
vaguely ­ if not vividly ­ familiar to you.

Two sincere people ­ one being honest about his pain, the other genuinely
trying to help.

The problem is that the conversation is laced with faulty presuppositions
that rob people of hope, poison the attitudes and tones that shape
relationships, and ultimately serve as self-fulfilling prophecies.

Faulty presupposition: The marriage will never get better.

The truth: Even terribly unhappy marriages can turn into happy ones.

The National Survey of Marriage and Families reported 77 percent of
marriages rated ³not good² at some point are rated ³good² or ³very good²
five years later. A strong commitment to marriage as an institution, and a
powerful reluctance to divorce, do not merely keep unhappily married people
locked in misery together; they help couples form happier bonds. Staying
together tends to strengthen the bond. This doesn¹t mean that problems
vanish entirely; instead that couples develop the skills to deal with them.

Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? Spouses¹
stories of how their marriages got happier fell into three broad headings:
the marital endurance ethic, the marital work ethic, and the personal
happiness ethic.

- In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to
researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems,
but because they stubbornly outlasted problems related to finances,
employment, depression, parenting, even infidelity.

- In the marital work ethic, spouses told stories of actively working to
solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem
was solved, the marriage got happier.

- Finally, in the personal happiness ethic, marriage problems did not seem
to change that much. Instead married people in these accounts told stories
of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good
and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.

Faulty presupposition: I¹m unhappy in marriage. If I can get free of the
marriage, I¹ll be happier.

The Truth: Divorce doesn¹t foster greater happiness. Call it the ³divorce
assumption.² Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has
two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.

A study conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University
of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite found no evidence that unhappily married
adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people
who stayed married.

Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression or raise self-
esteem. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier
on average than those who stayed married. ³Staying married is not just for
the children¹s sake ... but results like these suggest the benefits of
divorce have been oversold,² said Waite.

Why doesn¹t divorce typically make adults happier? The authors of the study
suggest that divorcing couples may simply trade one set of problems for
another, over which they have little control. These include the response of
one¹s spouse to divorce; the reactions of children; potential
disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation
orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents; and new
relationships or marriages with problems of their own.

Faulty presupposition: If I¹m unhappy in my marriage, my children may do
better if I divorce, because they¹ll do better in life if I am not so
unhappy. The truth: Children actually benefit from, and are comforted by,
the fact ­ not quality ­ of your marriage.

The first thing to understand is that less than one-third of divorces occur
in high-conflict marriages. And, most parents do not suddenly start getting
along after divorce ­ in fact, most have more conflict following divorce
than before.

For marriages where there is a high level of marital discord, divorce
(especially a quick one) does not benefit children. Research shows that
behavioral and psychological problems do not improve for children whose
parents divorced. In fact, the problems are no less than those children
whose parents remained together. Even in high conflict households, children
show a notable increase in behavioral and psychological problems following
divorce. Marital discord is not a statistically significant factor in
predicting the psychological well-being of children on into adulthood.
Divorce, however, is. Of course there is an important exception
here‹violence and abuse.

Obviously a spouse and/or child must not remain in a dangerous home. It is
always best for them to protect themselves from these terrible
circumstances. I don¹t believe that most people proceed with divorce
lightly. Sometime folks are in pain and other times they¹ve just drifted
apart. But I do believe that most of us are ill-informed when it comes to
the issue of hope. Too often we fail to reach out and grab the hope that
awaits us and our children ­ the hope of a rewarding marriage if we¹ll stick
with our spouse and weather the storms.

Georgia Family Council is a non-profit organization that works to strengthen
and defend the family in Georgia by equipping marriage advocates, shaping
laws, preparing the next generation and influencing culture. For more
information, go to www.georgiafamily.org, 770-242-0001, stephen at gafam.org.
######################
- YOUR MARRIAGE AS AN EGG
Excerpt from Lori Odhner's Caring for Marriage Website,
http://caringformarriage.org/cfm/

> The egg is an interesting package. The surface is surprisingly seamless, with
> no suggestion of how its contents managed to get inside or will eventually get
> out. As many science students who have devised various tests for the dropping
> of eggs from precarious heights can attest, it is remarkably sturdy. There is
> no identifying mark as to its sender or owner, so we are left to guess. Yet
> the wonder of what happens inside defies any earthly endeavor, when we find
> ways to peek through the shell and see that soft, peeping life comes where
> there was slimy ooze.
> 
> You are an egg. You began marriage as a somewhat oozy individual, unformed and
> unfinished. Yet inside you are changing in marvelous ways. To the casual
> observer, there may be no visible indicator of how drastically you are growing
> in this marriage, indeed you may well be oblivious yourself. Yet you are
> softening, developing, and coming to life.
> 
> We invite you to write a letter to yourself, articulating some of the ways you
> would like to see your marriage grow. Set it aside and let it hibernate
> awhile. Then when it feels hatchy, take it to the post lady and mail it to
> yourself. No doubt you will have long forgotten what you even wrote, and it
> will come as a fresh surprise when it arrives back at your door and you enjoy
> reading it together over breakfast.

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