Short Classes?| Empathy | Apologies | TV | No Wait for Marriage License | Pre-Marital | Laughing | Illness - 8/30/07

Thu Aug 30 12:32:50 EDT 2007

- LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
- LONG OR SHORT 
- ADVICE OF THE DAY
- TANGO COUPLE OF THE YEAR NOMINATIONS
- SURVEY: APOLOGIZING
- 'DECISION HOUSE"  !!??
- 31 STATES HAVE NO WAIT FOR MARRIAGE LICENSE
- CHURCH COUNSELING CAN HELP COUPLES STAY TOGETHER
- MARRIAGE CAN BE A LAUGHING MATTER
- DEALING WITH ILLNESS: SUSAN AND CRAIG'S BLOG

#######################
- LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

[I'm always encouraging you to write letters-to-the-editor so want to share
this one to remind you of the power of this medium. Great way to bust the
destructive myths of marriage and get into to the public about available
resources.   - diane]

Late breaking letters: Earlier marriages can be among the most successful
Letters to the editor for Aug. 29, 2007, Orange County Register

I thoroughly enjoyed Teryl Zarnow's column about her oldest son's friend
getting married ["Time marches down the aisle," Life Etc., Aug. 29]. She and
the groom's mother commiserated that "they are so young" and "this is his
first real girlfriend." As a mother of young adults and a marriage educator,
I would like to put Zarnow's heart at ease.

According to research, those who complete a college education and marry in
their mid-twenties have the highest level of marital success and
satisfaction. The new norm, unfortunately, is to perpetuate adolescence;
focus on one's self and one's own accomplishments and acquisitions, get a
number of "notches on one's belt" and maybe even cohabit with one, or a few
(just to "prove" that you can pseudo-commit). It turns out that cohabitation
dramatically increases the likelihood of 1) not getting married, and 2)
getting divorced, if a marriage does occur. It turns out that commitment
does matter.

I applaud this young couple for being wiser than their peers in the
"hook-up" generation by actually growing up and making the promise. And,
while I never advise a couple to take this decision lightly, there are
numerous and growing, very affordable educational programs (not group
therapy) for couples at all ages and stages of relationship and marriage.
These workshops are packed with skills that are easily learned and are
male-friendly. (www.ocmarriage.org is our local nonprofit clearinghouse of
marriage education programs)

So even though Zarnow's friend and his new bride will hit rough times, as we
all do, there are many more resources available today to help them through
the years of marriage. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Young couple.

Cheryl Labarre of Laguna Niguel

- LONG OR SHORT 

Diane,

In response to the post about short CPR classes being as effective as longer
CPR classes, and Bill's wondering if this could be true for marriage and
relationship education: In our comprehensive meta-analysis of the
effectiveness of marriage education, we looked at this issue. Our findings
suggest that programs with moderate dosages (9-20 hours) were more effective
than programs with low dosages (1-8 hrs). However, we found no evidence that
even higher dosages produced even stronger effects. However, there are few
programs longer than 20 hours, so it's not a strong finding. I don't think
we've explored sufficiently yet, however, the possibilities of "lower
dosage" programs. That is, programs that provide concentrated education on a
focused issue or skill rather than a wide set of information and skills. I
suspect that well designed mni-programs of, say, 2-4 hours of this nature
could be effective on a specific skill outcome that could impact the quality
of relationships. And if educators are doing programs like this and studying
their effectiveness, I would very much like to hear about them.

Alan Hawkins, PhD 
Professor of Family Life
Brigham Young University
(801) 422-7088

###########################
- ADVICE OF THE DAY

> ³Via phone supervision from Bernard Guerney (creator of the Relationship
> Enhancement program) on the way to becoming certified: Whenever I would
> report a concern about a breakdown (or possible breakdown) in the process or
> relationship, Bernie¹s invariable response was, ŒEmpathize, empathize,
> empathize.¹  And it always worked.² - Mary Helen Snyder, PhD

########################
- TANGO COUPLE OF THE YEAR NOMINATIONS
Dear Diane,  
Tango magazine is launching its first annual ³Couple of the Year² award. We
plan to honor several high-profile pairs as well select a ³Readers Choice²
winner. For the Readers Choice, people can nominate themselves or couples
they admire through Sept 15th. We will narrow the choices down to five and
allow users to vote for the best one. The winning couple will attend a Œshi
shi¹ event in NYC along with the high profile types, who will come from a
variety of fields, including music, entertainment, politics, business,
philanthropy, etc.  For info or to make nominations:
http://tangopublishing.com/tangotogether/couple-of-the-year/

Tom Miller 
General Manager 
Tango Media 
#########################

- SURVEY: APOLOGIZING

Survey: Apologizing may be key to marriage
Aug. 23, 2007

[As the Gottman research found years ago, Repair Attempts are crucial and
and a key part of any marriage education course.  Couples need to learn how
to apologize and make up. Check out Gary Chapman's latest book: The Five
Languages of Apology. Order it from $5.94 on the SmartMarriages book page:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist - diane]

SAN FRANCISCO, Aug. 23 (UPI) -- Married adults are twice as likely as
single, divorced or separated people to apologize to mates, even if they
feel they are blameless, a U.S. survey found.

This willingness to apologize may be key to a lasting marriage, suggests the
survey of 7,590 U.S. adults by pollsters Zogby International for The Pearl
Outlet.com.

The survey found 64 percent of married people, and 67 percent of those in
civil unions, said they apologize first even if they feel they are only
partially to blame in an argument with their significant other. That
compared to 40 percent of single people, and 42 percent of divorced,
separated or widowed people.

"The secret of a lasting marriage is being prepared to accept that the other
person has an equally valid viewpoint and therefore being willing to
apologize, because you love them and want them to be happy," said Andrew
Marshall, author of "I Love You But I'm Not IN Love With You: Seven Steps To
Saving Your Relationship."

The poll has a margin of error of 1.1 percent.

########################
- 'DECISION HOUSE"  !!??

[I guess the only positive on this one is that it at least shows that the TV
moguls believe that there is interest in marriage - in what makes it tick
and how to save it.....- d]

Television
Coming attractions: TV judge to rule on marriages
USA TODAY
August 24, 2007 
By Gary Strauss, Elysa Gardner and Mike Snider,

Judge's 'Decision': Can this marriage be saved?

Judge Lynn Toler is used to ending troubled marriages on her syndicated
show, Divorce Court. She'll attempt to save some when her prime-time series
Decision House premieres Sept. 12 (8 p.m. ET/PT) on MyNetworkTV.

Couples live in a "decision house" for 72 hours of surveillance and tasks
designed to keep them together. Toler and a panel of experts then recommend
whether the couple should break up or attempt to work things out.

"It's a concept that gives me the freedom to provide practical advice and
give couples tools to get out of their problems," Toler says. "By the time
they're on Divorce Court, it's too late."

Marriage and family psychologist Tara Fields will be a permanent fixture on
Decision House. Other advisers will rotate depending on a couple's problems,
such as substance-abuse specialists to deal with alcoholism and financial
counselors to provide money advice.

Toler will continue on Divorce Court.

############################

- 31 STATES HAVE NO WAIT FOR MARRIAGE LICENSE

[Florida's Marriage Education legislation passed in 1998, ADDED a 3-day wait
UNLESS a couple has taken at least 4 hrs of marriage education training. In
discussion of the legislation it was thought that the wait might help by
giving a cooling off/sobering up time - a way to avoid hasty decisions or
'drunken sailor' marriages.  Sounds like the change in Missouri was all
about parking. -d] 

> Cape Girardeau County Recorder of Deeds Janet Robert does not like the new
> law. It was pushed by larger counties who wanted to cut the number of trips in
> half for customers who have trouble finding parking near their courthouses.
> Robert says many people who come into her office to apply for a marriage
> license never return after the waiting period.
> 
> "They change their mind or whatever," Robert said. "My job is not to be a
> social worker, but I feel it saved some people from making a mistake."

Missouri drops wait for marriage license
August 24, 2007
By Sam Blackwell ~ Southeast Missourian

Couples in a fever once went to Las Vegas to get married. More than 30
chapels, no waiting. Now, why bother?

Tuesday, Missouri joins some 30 other states that have stopped making
couples wait to get a marriage license. Couples have been required to make
two trips to the recorder of deeds office, one to apply for the license and
another at least three days later to receive the license.

Cape Girardeau County Recorder of Deeds Janet Robert does not like the new
law. It was pushed by larger counties who wanted to cut the number of trips
in half for customers who have trouble finding parking near their
courthouses. Robert says many people who come into her office to apply for a
marriage license never return after the waiting period.

"They change their mind or whatever," Robert said. "My job is not to be a
social worker, but I feel it saved some people from making a mistake."

The new law is viewed as a convenience for military personnel who may want
to get married while on limited leave. Robert says others have gotten
tripped up by the waiting period as well, for example people just visiting
for a few days to get married. In that case a circuit judge could waive the
waiting period. "I think they have all found a way," Robert said.

The purpose of the three-day waiting period is uncertain, Robert said. At
one time the state required a blood test for syphilis. Getting the results
took three days. The state stopped requiring that test in 1978, but the
three-day wait remained. Robert said some people think states instituted the
waiting period to keep couples from making a hasty decision during World War
II.

Debra Unterreiner, a marriage counselor in Cape Girardeau, has counseled
couples who decided to get married a few weeks after meeting. "Typically
those do not work out. I've never had any that worked long term."

If the law stopped people from making impulsive decisions about marrying,
the waiting period was a good idea, she said. "Marriage is difficult.
Learning to share and communicate together, those are things that take
awhile to learn and adjust to."

Last year, Cape Girardeau County issued 584 marriage licenses. Anyone
wanting to get married in the county must bring the recorder a photo ID, a
Social Security card or a check stub with their Social Security number on
it, and $51 in cash.

The only bad checks the recorder's office ever received were for marriage
licenses, so checks are no longer accepted. "They would close out an
account, and they're off to Timbuktu to live," Robert said.

The other elements of Missouri's marriage law remain the same, including the
need for parental consent if one or both parties getting married is under
18. A judge can order the recorder to grant a marriage license to someone
under 15. Robert said that has occurred once since she became recorder in
1977.

###########################
- CHURCH COUNSELING CAN HELP COUPLES STAY TOGETHER

Church counseling can help couples stay together
By María Cortés González / El Paso Times
08/24/2007 

> Bulko said the marriage retreats work well because they are taught by couples
> who have been through the same experiences.
> 
> "Couples in troubled marriages are going through so much pain and
> disappointment," she said. "And the (programs) kind of let other people
> explain what they have gone through and how they can improve their marriage."

Couples facing marital issues may sometimes feel at a loss.

While divorce may not loom over their heads, they may not be feeling as
charmed by their spouses as they once were.

So where do they turn? Hopefully, church leaders say, to the same place
where they seek spirituality and solace.

"We do feel that it is the responsibility of the church to address these
issues. With the (divorce) statistic rate that it is in this country, we
feel we have to be very proactive in heading that off," said Garry Holt, an
elder at Westside Church of Christ. The church is wrapping up a 13-session
program on Marriage Matters, a faith-based marriage seminar.

Whether to prepare single people for marriage or to help existing marriages,
many churches around El Paso offer seminars and retreats, hoping to make
marriage a lasting relationship.

Nationally, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has started a new
initiative that focuses on marriage. The conference will air public
education commercials on radio and television this year. It also has a Web
site, www.foryourmarriage.org, devoted to helping couples planning to marry
or married couples with tips and resources. The Web site links to the
Catholic Diocese of El Paso and other Catholic dioceses.

Sheila Garcia, associate director for the conference in Washington, D.C.,
said it's important to send out a positive message about marriage.

"There's a number of reasons -- the divorce rate is number one," she said.
"Fewer people are getting married in society, and the church marriage rate
is dropping. And we now have alternatives to marriage, with people feeling
free to be outside of marriage with children."

According to the National Marriage Project study, the marriage rate has
dropped 50 percent in 50 years; the median age for women marrying is 25, and
for men, 27. In addition, 60 percent to 67 percent of second marriages end
in divorce, and about 74 percent of third marriages fare the same.

The El Paso Catholic Diocese Family Life Office is also dedicated to
changing the course of marriages so that they don't end in divorce.

"Our mission is to encourage and help parish ministries to strengthen and
support many kinds of families in the community with training and
resources," said Diana Bulko, associate director for the Family Life office.

The Family Life office assists 1,000 to 2,000 people each year with various
programs, including ones for engaged encounters, encounters for couples
entering second marriages, marriage encounters and weekend retreats for
troubled marriages.

Bulko said the marriage retreats work well because they are taught by
couples who have been through the same experiences.

"Couples in troubled marriages are going through so much pain and
disappointment," she said. "And the (programs) kind of let other people
explain what they have gone through and how they can improve their
marriage."

Church leaders say preparation before marriage is one of the most important
aspects of their ministry.

Though not a sure thing, pre-marriage counseling gives couples an
opportunity to look closer at their relationship and discuss issues they
might not have thought about. People often go into marriages with certain
expectations, which can turn to disappointment and resentment when not met.

The most common problems church leaders hear about involve finances, sex and
child-rearing approaches -- and miscommunication is at the core most of the
time.

El Pasoan Art Moreno and his wife, Mary Lou, touch on these kinds of topics
in a class for couples entering second marriages in the Catholic diocese. It
is the second marriage for both.

"We're not counselors, but we share our experiences from our marriage and
previous marriage to help the new couples. And for us, it really just
refreshes and enhances our relationship. It's been a real blessing," said
Moreno, who has been teaching the class for about 15 years.

Howard Bryan, minister of Westside Church of Christ, said churches are
challenged by a growing view that divorce is not a big deal.

"Our culture used to look on divorce in more negative ways; É as a
consequence, people might find themselves in a lot more hurt than they
bargained for," he said.

The main focus in helping marriages, leaders say, is changing their
perspective on how they deal with problems.

"We really do believe that the essence of what Jesus came to teach us is
about relationships," Bryan said. "True spiritual living is about learning
to live in a relationship in healthy ways. And so some of the same
principles that make people followers of Christ make people good Christians
and make people good marriage partners."

Ultimately, it's not about seeing what the marriage does for you.

"You're going to have a much easier time having a healthy marriage if you
acquire the heart of a servant -- going into a marriage thinking, What can I
do for you?" Bryan said.

María Cortés González may be reached at mcortes at elpasotimes.com; 546-6150.

#######################
- MARRIAGE CAN BE A LAUGHING MATTER

Marriage can be a laughing matter
Brentwood Press (Brentwood California)
08/24/2007 

[This is a great example of how to turn a marriage seminar into a culture
changing "news" article and get placement in the local paper.  To sample
Mark Gungor's presentations and decide whether you'd like to invite him to
headline at your community marriage initiative, order his recordings at
800-241-7785 - he's presented these sessions as a keynote, banquet, and
Master Workshops at the Smart Marriages Conferences. See list below for
order info. You can download and listen for $9.95 per session.

Laughter isn¹t only the best medicine, it can also be the best marriage
counselor. We know of its power to reduce stress in everyday life, but many
couples have overlooked its usefulness in their most important relationship.

On Sept. 14 and 15 at Golden Hills Community Church in Brentwood, married,
single and divorced couples will get a chance to laugh about  and make
vital changes to  their relationships through Laugh Your Way to a Better
Marriage, a seminar hosted by pastor, motivational speaker, musician and
writer Mark Gungor.

Most marriage seminars tend to be serious, technical and emotionally taxing.
Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, by contrast, helps couples deal with
tough issues in a way that¹s fun and non-threatening. There are no workbooks
to fill out, no emotional ³break-out² sessions, and no one is ever forced to
speak in front of the group.

³Our secular culture over-romanticizes marriage and our Christian culture
over-spiritualizes it,² says Gungor. ³The reality is that relationships
between men and women are very down-to-earth.²

In the Friday session, ³The Tale of Two Brains,² Gungor will break down the
walls by making couples laugh about the differences between men and women,
emphasizing how marital difficulties can be the result not of a heart
problem, but a head problem.

Saturday morning¹s first session is called ³The No. 1 Key to Incredible
Sex.² In it Gungor will discuss how the sexual messages of our culture are
fundamentally flawed at best and destructive at worst, and suggest steps
couples can take to achieving a spectacular and healthy sex life.

Saturday¹s final sessions, ³Why Does He/She Do That!? and ³How to Stay
Married and NOT Kill Anybody,² are hilarious explorations of marital
dynamics meant to inspire couples to convert understanding into action.

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage takes place Friday, Sept. 14 from 7 to
10 p.m., and Saturday, Sept. 15 from 9 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Doors open Friday
at 6:15 p.m. and Saturday at 8:30 a.m. The cost is $20 per single, $40 per
couple. Golden Hills Community Church is located at 2401 Shady Willow Lane
in Brentwood. For more information or to purchase tickets, call (866)
52-LAUGH or visit www.laughyourway.com.

#########################
- DEALING WITH ILLNESS: SUSAN AND CRAIG'S BLOG

> Diane:
> Three weeks after the Smart Marriages Conference, my husband Craig
> Farnsworth was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was successfully removed but
> it is an aggressive cancerous glioblastoma and Craig faces radiation and
> chemotherapy. We are doing our best to have this draw us together, not pull
> us apart and are trying to contribute to others by sharing our journey on a
> blog, http://www.factbasedspiritguidedpath.blogspot.com/  Craig taught
> hundreds of people at our workshop in Atlanta and at our Marriage
> Transformation booth in Denver how to acknowledge other people's best
> character qualities, so I hope many will remember him and hold him in their
> prayers. 
> Susanne Alexander
> Marriage Transformation Project
> susanne at marriagetransformation.com

Inspiring to see that Susan and Craig continue to try to find a way to help
others in the face of such challenges.  We hope to have a major focus at SF
conference on marriage and health.  - diane

**************************
Send submissions and comments for the listserv to: diane at smartmarriages.com
Do NOT hit "reply". If you hit reply your email will go into cyberspace and
NO ONE will see your email.

This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee,
editor. Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.
PLEASE include your email address or url as part of your signature.

Please also understand that with thousands of subscribers, not all comments
can be shared. Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily
shared by members of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newslist - in the left
column under the puzzle piece.

To read past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/

12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
July 2 - 5, 2008  
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.