SCHOOL DAYS | Divorce Spike | Funding | Future of Marriage | Canadian data | Remarriage Preparation - 8/22/07

[Smartmarriages]

- SCHOOL DAYS
- MARRIAGE EDUCACTOR MOTIVATION: WHAT MAKES TEENS HAPPY?
- PRESCHOOL FUNDING DEBATE
- ANSWER TO CHILD WELL-BEING IS STABLE FAMILIES
- DIVORCES INCREASE AS KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL
- THE FUTURE OF MARRIAGE: POPENOE/WHITEHEAD 2007 STATE OF OUR UNIONS REPORT
- CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE ON THE EARLY SHOW, TOMORROW 8/23/08
- NEW CANADIAN MARRIAGE STUDY
- REMARRIAGE PREPARATION

Sorry this School Daze post is so long - another way to think of it is there
is lots of grist for our mills in this one. Hope the gloom does not bring
you down but, instead, charges you up.  Also, make a note NOW on your 2008
summer calendars so that you can use these ideas to plan ahead for school
daze in '98 for programming and newsletters - things that take prior
planning.  And, speaking of which, NOW, is the time to start planning what
you will do to celebrate Marriage Week Feb 7-14, 2008.  These things have a
way of sneaking up on us.  Check here for ideas:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/marriage.week.html

- diane  
#######################
- SCHOOL DAYS

Diane, 
This morning I dropped off my daughter at school for her first day of 5th
grade.  I was heartbroken, but not because she started her last first day of
elementary school....but because I saw a very young child being escorted to
class with "all" 4 of her parents.  The body language and separation between
the adults made it very obvious who wasn't friendly with whom.  The child
was looking around confused, trying to figure out which one's hand was the
"right" one to hold.  What a sad statement..........
 
Sheryl P. Kurland
www.EverlastingMatrimony.com

##################
- MARRIAGE EDUCACTOR MOTIVATION: WHAT MAKES TEENS HAPPY?

> Diane, 
> Here is an article that highlights some of the reasons why we do the
> work we do. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20322621/from/ET/
> Jim Maxwell

####################
- PRESCHOOL FUNDING DEBATE

> The Preschool Question: Who Gets to Go?
> Va. Expansion Efforts Highlight Debate
> 
> By Maria Glod
> Washington Post Staff Writer
> August 22, 2007; Page A01
. . . 
> These Fairfax County 4- and 5-year-olds are part of a national push to devote
> more public resources to the youngest learners. They are also at the center of
> a debate, underscored last week in a Virginia policy shift, over whether the
> government should offer preschool to all children or concentrate on those from
> poor families.
> 
> Nationwide, about 950,000 children are enrolled in state-funded preschool, a
> 36 percent increase from five years ago, said experts who track the programs.
> As advocates promote quality pre-kindergarten AS A WAY TO PREPARE CHILDREN
> FOR SCHOOL, STRENGTHEN THE WORKFORCE AND REDUCE CRIME, states have increased
> funding since 2005 for such programs by 75 percent, to $4.2 billion, according
> to the District-based organization Pre-K Now. Some in Congress have also
> proposed more federal money to help build state preschool initiatives.
> . . . . http://tinyurl.com/3xygzg

Not that we shouldn't spend on preschool for 4 and 5 year olds, but just
want to point out that we're now spending $4.2 BILLION annually for such
programs to improve child outcomes and "strengthen the workforce and reduce
crime".  All the more reason to also spend a few BILLION to help strengthen
marriages and increase the number of children raised with their own
two-parents as a sure, research-identified way to help reach the same
goals.....to improve child outcomes, strengthen the workforce, reduce crime.
- diane 

########################
- ANSWER TO CHILD WELL-BEING IS STABLE FAMILIES

Or as Randy Hicks so beautifully puts it in this article. This is one to
copy and keep. Look up how your state fares in the Casey Foundations *Kids
Count Data* modify Randy's article and send it to your hometown paper about
the futility of spending all our resources on *downstream* programs to try
to pull kids out of the river after their parents marriages fail and they've
fallen in.  WE MUST spend money upstream to see if we can strengthen
marriage fences, keep kids from going under.  - diane

> I know these folks are sincere, but I think they¹re missing the boat. I¹m not
> saying that a ³policy agenda² that includes government and other programs does
> not have a role in trying to help improve the well-being of children. Every
> day needy kids are assisted by government programs. But government assistance
> is not the first, and certainly not the only, answer.
> 
> What is most troublesome to me as I look at the indicators in the Kids Count
> report is that most are directly linked to the breakdown of the family.
> Equally troubling is the absence of discussion about this root cause. Want to
> know the best way to determine whether or not a child is likely to experience
> health and happiness? Find out if they are living in a home with their married
> mother and father.


Answer to child well-being is stable families
Houston Daily Chronicle (Houston County Georgia)
08/22/07
By RANDY HICKS

Kids in the Peach State are lagging behind others across the country. So
says the new Kids Count Data Book recently released by the Annie E. Casey
Foundation. The report measures child well-being in every state based on an
analysis of 10 key indicators like child death rates, teen birth rates,
number of high school dropouts and poverty. Georgia did not fare very well ­
ranking 41 out of the 50 states.

The annual report always results in widespread reaction, mostly from child
advocates and government officials who regret the findings and propose
solutions.

What strikes me, however, is the deafening silence on what is the main cause
of so many of these factors‹the breakdown of the family.

One mayor of a large city in Georgia reacting to the report rightly
recognized the impact of child poverty on the well-being of children. Yet,
quoted in his city newspaper, he proposed mixed-income housing as a way to
break the cycle of poverty.

Another leader of a Georgia-based child advocacy organization reacted,
³What¹s missing is a more comprehensive, strategic and integrated approach
to serving children, centered on a policy agenda with measurable, long-term
goals that take into account the needs of kids along with a return on
investment for taxpayers.²

I know these folks are sincere, but I think they¹re missing the boat. I¹m
not saying that a ³policy agenda² that includes government and other
programs does not have a role in trying to help improve the well-being of
children. Every day needy kids are assisted by government programs. But
government assistance is not the first, and certainly not the only, answer.

What is most troublesome to me as I look at the indicators in the Kids Count
report is that most are directly linked to the breakdown of the family.
Equally troubling is the absence of discussion about this root cause. Want
to know the best way to determine whether or not a child is likely to
experience health and happiness? Find out if they are living in a home with
their married mother and father.

This answer may seem simplistic, but it is fundamental. Most of us know
intuitively, and social science backs it up, that children do best when they
are raised in a home with a happily married mother and father.

Outcomes like poverty, teen births and dropping out of high school don¹t
occur because there¹s a shortfall in government programs or funding. They
have a cause. And often that cause is family fragmentation.

According to the Kids Count report, one out of every three children in
Georgia wakes up in a home with only one parent (35 percent to be exact).
Read that sentence again. That is an extraordinary number.

Now apply that number to some of the key findings listed in the report.

Child poverty is increasing in Georgia. As of 2005, one out of every five
children in Georgia lived below the poverty level‹an increase of 11 percent
over five years. Consider this: Children who live in a home without their
fathers present are five times more likely to be poor than children who live
with their married parents. Research also shows that marriage would
dramatically reduce the level of poverty experienced by single mothers.

Georgia has the third worst percentage of high school dropouts even though
the number of dropouts in Georgia fell by 38 percent over five years.
Consider this: Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of
school. Part of this may be attributed to the fact that children in
single-parent homes are significantly less likely to have a parent that is
involved in their education.

Georgia¹s teen birth rate ranks 43rd in the nation, beating out only seven
other states. It has improved in recent years, but is still high at 53
births per 1,000 females between 15 and 19 years old (well above the
national average of 41 births). Consider this: Adolescents who live at home
with two parents are significantly less likely to engage in sexual activity.

It is important for me to point out that not all children from single-parent
homes are destined for failure, and certainly not every child growing up in
a two-parent home will succeed. Still, the evidence overwhelmingly points to
married homes as the best place for children.

Changing the well-being of hundreds of thousands of Georgia¹s children is no
small task. And the discussion should begin with how to encourage strong,
healthy marriages, which result in better homes and better outcomes for
children. Until now, there has been an unending cycle of new government
programs to address these issues.

Raising the minimum wage, increasing education and child care funding and
expanding other government programs are possible solutions worthy of debate,
but these are proposals that have been pulled from the same playbook Georgia
has been using for years. Yet, we face the same problems.

We need a paradigm shift. The question must be asked: What are we doing to
prevent the breakdown of the family in Georgia? Put positively, what are we
doing to prepare people for healthy marriages and to strengthen existing
marriages? And when I say ³we² I¹m not necessarily talking about government.

Helping adults to form and maintain healthy relationships should be a
priority for multiple segments of society including government, churches and
business. Also known as marriage education, this approach is a preventative
strategy to stop family breakdown before it happens, thus reducing the need
for programs that concentrate on helping families after problems have
already occurred.

My own organization, Georgia Family Council, is committing a lot of time and
resources to reducing the divorce rate in this state through our Georgia
Healthy Marriage Initiative‹a program that builds coalitions of community
leaders in an effort to prepare couples for lasting, healthy marriages.

Child well-being is most closely associated with strong, healthy families.
One way to improve Georgia¹s ranking on future Kids Count reports is to
spend more time and energy now ensuring that marriages and families are
supported by communities, corporations and state government.

Georgia Family Council is a non-profit organization that works to strengthen
and defend the family in Georgia by equipping marriage advocates, shaping
laws, preparing the next generation and influencing culture. For more
information, go to www.georgiafamily.org, (770) 242-0001, stephen at gafam.org.

#############################
- DIVORCES INCREASE AS KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL

[This is to remind you to talk about this in your community marriage
initiatives, from the pulpit, in your practice - and to be ready to offer
programs and help to get couples over this back-to-school fissure. -diane]

Marriages Fade With Summer
The New York Sun 
BY LENORE SKENAZY
August 22, 2007

The summer is ending. The workaday world awaits. The night breeze ruffles
the leaves it soon will reap. In other words Š it's time to get a divorce.

Sorry, but that's what this time of year brings. "Late August, early
September, the phone starts ringing with a lot of new business," the
president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, Gaetano Ferro,
said. "It has been fairly consistent over the years." "July and August are
the time of the crouching tiger," divorce attorney Raoul Felder said, "a
time of laying in wait. At the end of August, when the kids are in school,
the fees have been paid and vacation is at an end, you attend to business."

The business, that is, of breaking up.

While no one seems to keep any hard statistics on which month ushers in the
most divorce inquiries, this end-of-August phenomenon was noted by several
lawyers who see it as a parallel to the uptick in calls they get in January,
after the holidays.

In both seasons, Mr. Ferro said, couples have often just spent some quality
time together and, apparently, the quality was not too high. "People who are
miserable in their marriage look forward to the holidays, hoping they'll be
happy," he said. When they're not, "they call a divorce lawyer."

Marsha Temlock, author of "Your Child's Divorce ‹ What To Expect, What You
Can Do," tells the story of one less-than-contented couple who decided to
bond on an August rafting trip. "She was not a real outdoorsy person and she
was sick before they went. The camping ‹ it was a disaster. She was
miserable, he was miserable. But the day she broke out in hives" ‹ that was
the day they called it quits.

That was a couple who actually spent their vacation time together. Legion,
of course, are those who don't, with their own autumnal consequences.

"Summer flings just go with the territory," Mr. Felder said, referring to
the Hamptons and other lovely locales where wives see their husbands only on
weekends. "As long as I'm in the business, which is 40 years, I've seen
after everything explodes, that there's been a trainer involved, or the
housepainter, or an architect. The architect is very popular because he's
half an artist and half a working man."

As for the husband, country weekends with the wife often end in cityside
suppers with someone else. "On Sunday nights, a lot of the places on
Lexington Avenue are full of husbands meeting their sweeties," Mr. Felder
said.

How can he be so sure?

"Detectives," he said. "We've had many cases of detectives waiting at the
jitney stop and they follow the husband."

Regardless of whether there's a sweetie (or architect) involved, the summer
cossets one more home wrecker: reflection. Long hours of it. Lull time is
mull time and then ‹ wham ‹ suddenly the decision is obvious.

"I can't face another school year with this marriage" ‹ that's what
divorcées told Susan Shapiro Barash over and over as she interviewed them
for her three books on marital distress, including "Women of Divorce:
Mothers, Daughters, Stepmothers ‹ The New Triangle." The grind of another
school year just seemed unbearable to them when combined with the grind of
another year of being married to (fill in the blank).

There is one more possible explanation for late summer discontent, but it
seems almost too simplistic.

It's not, in fact, the season that's to blame, the head of the Rosen Law
Firm, Lee Rosen, insisted.

"As temperatures rise, tempers flare and marriages end. I feel like, if you
look around when you're stuck in traffic in the middle of the summer, you
can almost look at the drivers' faces and see them screaming on their cell
phones to their spouse and the next call they make," he said, "is to us."

Thus, the sweet, slow days of summer come crashing head-on into fall, with
city life screaming, marriages splintering, sirens wailing ‹ and homework.

All I can say is, watch out.

Copyright New York Sun.
URL: http://www.nysun.com/article/61044

#############################

- THE FUTURE OF MARRIAGE: POPENOE/WHITEHEAD 2007 STATE OF OUR UNIONS REPORT

> Diane, 
> I just talked to someone that read about a recently released study on the
> future of marriage. Any idea what he might have seen?
> Jason 

My hunch is the 2007 State of Our Unions Report by David Popenoe and Barbara
Dafoe Whitehead released in July.  The featured essay in the 2007 report is
"The Future of Marriage". You can download the full report at:
http://marriage.rutgers.edu/publications.html

I'll copy your question to the list.  Everyone should read this one!

- diane

######################
- CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE ON THE EARLY SHOW, TOMORROW 8/23/08

> Diane,
> CBS' The Early Show is doing a three part piece on divorce, which
> began yesterday (mediation) and will finish today and tomorrow. They
> are planning to use a clip from our Children in the Middle video on
> the show tomorrow (probably 8-9 am EST) to illustrate what divorcing
> parents can do to make the process less brutal on their children.
> They picked Children in the Middle because it was evidence based and
> is widely used in the US (47 states). Depending upon public interest/feedback
> to these broadcasts, they may do a more detailed series later on.
> This is good information to educate the public on how to avoid
> chronic conflict and misery during divorce and subsequent remarriage.
> Don Gordon


> 757-211 - ORDER AT 800-241-7785
> Parenting Wisely & Divorce: Children In the Middle ­ TWO TOOB PROGRAMS
> Don Gordon, PhD
> Two DVD-based, out-of-the-box, award-winning parent education programs that
> work like magic to reduce children's risk of substance abuse and behavior
> problems. Brief, effective, proven!

#####################

- NEW CANADIAN MARRIAGE STUDY

Only 80% of Canadians age 25 and over have ever married.
59% of the divorced or widowed, remarried.

Age matters in successful marriage
Canada.com
Meagan Fitzpatrick, CanWest News Service
August 19, 2007 

Despite young Canadians waiting longer to say ³I do,² and common-law unions
replacing marriage among Canadians of all ages, and never mind that well
over one-third of marriages end in divorce, there are still plenty of
Canadians who have tied the knot, says a new Statistics Canada report.

In a study released Wednesday entitled Till death do us part?, Statistics
Canada used data from 2001 and analysed the characteristics of people who
have married and re-married and looked at some of the risk factors that can
cause a couple to split.

According to the general social survey, just slightly more than 16.6 million
Canadian adults ‹ 80 per cent of the population age 25 and over ‹ have
married at least once.

Twenty-five was the average age that Canadians walked down the aisle.

According to Statistics Canada, age matters when it comes to whether a
nuptial will succeed. The study notes that age is one of the key factors
identified with a first marriage breaking down. Teen newlyweds face a risk
of marriage dissolution almost two times higher than couples that marry
between age 25 and 29. People who marry in their mid-30s or later in
contrast, run a risk 43 per cent lower. Age difference between spouses was
not considered to be a huge risk factor, but the study did say if a husband
is more than five years younger than his wife the risk of splitting up is 29
per cent higher than if he were five years older.

LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE GETTING MARRIED is also associated with first
marriages breaking down. The risk for divorce is 50 per cent higher among
people who lived with their partner before the wedding than among those who
did not.

For those whose marriages did end in divorce, 43 per cent married again and
16 per cent of those whose first spouse died found love again. Canadians who
married a second time averaged 39 years old and more than half exchanged
vows with someone who had also been previously married. Odds are good that
these marriages will last, says the report, because remarriages made after
age 40 tend to be more stable than those made under 30.

The third time was a charm for some 137,500 Canadians in 2001. These
³serially married² people represent less than one per cent of the population
who had ever been married and the average age for people marrying for a
third time was 46.

© CanWest News Service

############################

- REMARRIAGE PREPARATION

Ministries offer aid to those remarrying
Preparation can address couples' unique problems
Ventura county Star
By Helen T. Gray
McClatchy Newspapers
August 11, 2007

KANSAS CITY, Mo. ‹ Marcha and Mark Juett were sure that they wanted to
marry.

What they weren't sure of was how to make a marriage work. Both had failed
first marriages.

"Those of us getting remarried obviously didn't get it right the first
time," Mark said.

When they learned of a class geared toward people remarrying, both wanted to
take it "to be absolutely sure we were a match, because divorce was not an
option," Marcha said. "Our first divorces were so painful, I told Mark I
never want to go through that again."

Divorce statistics vary, but experts generally say 43 percent to 50 percent
of first marriages and about 60 percent of remarriages end in divorce.

Clergy and professional counselors have known the need to learn how to stay
married. More recently, they see a need for training specifically tailored
for couples entering their second or third marriages.

Less than 25 percent of first-time couples take training before marriage,
and it's even less for remarriage, said Jeff Parziale, executive director of
InStep Ministries, which, among other things, provides resources for
remarrying couples and stepfamilies.

Remarriage programs have to address issues unique to people remarrying, he
said.

One reason for the high failure rate of remarriage, Parziale said, is that
"many assume they have experience. They have experience with marriage but
not success."

He said: "The hardest thing is getting them to believe there are things
going on inside the two of them that will cause the destruction of the
marriage. They are blaming the former spouse.

"There may be a difference if someone lost a spouse because of death,
because they may have had a successful marriage."

Other factors involve pastors and churches.

"The average pastor doesn't know how to do remarriage preparation," Parziale
said. "Basically, they are doing marriage preparation without addressing
issues unique to the people remarrying. Most doing remarriage preparation
really just do a version of marriage preparation."

Also, less than 10 percent of churches have preparation for couples
remarrying, he said.

Pleasant Valley Baptist Church in Liberty, Mo., had been conducting marriage
preparation classes for more than 15 years, but as the number of remarried
couples grew, the church saw the need to separate them from the
first-timers, said the Rev. Jim Landers, associate pastor of family and
care.

Two years ago, the church started offering remarriage preparation classes
several times a year, with couples attending from throughout the area.

"The remarrying couples have gone through some kind of negative experience,
whether divorce or death, so they bring baggage that the first-time marrying
couples haven't had," he said.

"We ask, Are you marrying as a rebound, or are you ready?' " Landers said.
"They're walking through a land-minefield if they don't understand what went
wrong the first time."

And why are second marriage divorce rates higher than first marriages? "They
don't take time to fully heal and assess what went wrong the first time
before they remarry," Landers said.

Other factors that affect remarrying couples are that they tend to be older
and most have children, which "is the biggest complication," Landers said.

Remarrying couples often fail to recognize that they have "the seeds of
destruction already in place with the children," Parziale said.

"There really is not a honeymoon period for remarriages," he said. "The
minute you come back from your honeymoon, the children are waiting at the
door with their problems."

Couples often stay together in the first marriage for the sake of the
children and get divorced in the second marriage because of the children, he
said.

Most people should wait two years before they start dating seriously,
especially if they have children, Parziale said.

"Children don't make shifts that quickly," he said. "The children are
usually a year behind the parents' situation."

The Catholic Diocese of Kansas City-St. Joseph offers a seminar called "To
Trust Again" four times a year for couples eligible for remarriage in the
Catholic church. The full-day seminars are conducted by couples who have
been remarried in the church.

Catholics wanting to remarry in the church must take the seminar, said Tony
Terwelp, a facilitator.

"But, also, they really do want to take the time to talk about the issues
that are pertinent to any marriage and especially a remarriage."

Recalling the 12-week class that she and her husband took at Pleasant
Valley, Marcha Juett said the class improved their communication and
understanding of each other.

"The class book is pretty comprehensive," she said. "There's a lot of
reading and a lot of homework. Some people got into verbal fights over the
material. Some people even broke up, which was a good thing because they
didn't end up in divorce."

The main secret to success is something they knew before the class, Mark
said: "for Christ to be central in everything, including marriage."

"It was a great class. The homework stimulated endless hours of discussion.
It confirmed that we were right for each other."
E.W. Scripps Co.
© 2007 Ventura County Star

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