Announcements | updates | Evaluations | Insurance | WHERE we meet | Jobs | Rodgers | Harley - 8/3/07

[Smartmarriages]

- IMPORTANT EVALUATIONS REMINDER
- MARRIAGE EDUCATION AND INSURANCE
- WHY DON'T WE MEET IN THE NORTH EAST?  OR, CHICAGO?
- JOB OPENING: CALIFORNIA
- DIRECTOR POSITION IN GEORGIA
- BEV AND TOM RODGERS SOUL HEALING INTENSIVE COUPLES WEEKEND
- WILLARD HARLEY MARRIAGE BUILDER'S WEEKEND: OCT 26 -27, ORLANDO
- "IT'S HER 3RD TIME, MY 1ST. IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?"

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- IMPORTANT EVALUATIONS REMINDER

Several of you have emailed saying you haven't yet had time to get on-line
and complete your evaluation.  I just talked to AMEDCO and they will leave
the on-line form up for another few weeks. Your comments might not make it
into the reports to presenters, but you'll at least be able to get your CE
certificate.  YOU MUST complete the form to receive your continuing
education (CE) certificate:
Click here: http://gotomylist.com/cme/smc05/eval07.cfm

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- MARRIAGE EDUCATION AND INSURANCE

> Diane, How do marriage educators insure themselves when opening up their own
> office? We are trying to get insurance and told the insurance company that
> this is education...not counseling, not therapy, but relationship education.
> We were told we need malpractice insurance. Has anyone else acquired insurance
> for their business as marriage and family relationship educators? Any help
> will be appreciated.
> Sylvia Clark 

I know we explored this in past, can't remember what we came up with. Seems
there was a discussion of what other types of educators do (parent
educators, weight loss, exercise, drivers education). Was there a suggestion
of having couples sign waivers?  Was this discussed in the ethics workshops?
I'm sure it would be helpful to hear what others are doing. I'll collect the
replies and share them with the list. - diane

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- WHY DON'T WE MEET IN THE NORTH EAST?  OR, CHICAGO?

> Hello Diane,
> Is it possible to try to rotate the conference site by geographic region?  For
> Smartmarriages, two years in a row it was in Dallas.  Then Denver.  If you ask
> people who can make it easily to Denver where they want to go next, it is
> likely that you'll get another western city--San Francisco.  If next year you
> are looking at two more southern cities, it makes it hard for those of us in
> the northeast to come.  I work for a small community college and funds for
> travel are limited.
> 
> Is it possible to have another conference again soon in Washington, DC? What
> about Hartford (brand new convention center) or Boston?
> 
> I think rotating regions would allow more people to come who are best
> able to afford to travel by car.
> 
> Jean Egan, Ph.D., CFLE

You're not the only one to ask about the site-selection process. And, I do
understand that it's nice to think about driving to the conference - but the
costs are much more complicated than just travel expenses. Let's look at the
larger picture.  

And, first let me clarify that we were in Atlanta in 2006 (east coast) after
Dallas (04 & 05) and before Denver (07).  Also, know it seems funny to those
on the east coast, but Dallas and Denver market themselves as *central* -
and Californian's seem to agree.

In fact, maybe it will help if I give the full history:

1097, Washington (Arlington, VA), May 15-20, $105 single/double
1998, Washington (Arlington, VA), July 8-12, $99 single/double
1999, Washington (Arlington, VA), June 30-July 6, $95 single/double
2000, Denver, June 27-July 4, $99 single/double
2001, June 19 - 26, Orlando, $105 single/double
2002, July 9 - 17, Washington (Arlington, VA), $109, single/double
2003, June 24 - July 1, Reno, $85, $65, $35 - single/double (per building)
2004, July 6 - July 14, Dallas $79 single/$89 double
2005, June 21 - July 2, Dallas $79 single/$89 double
2006, June 20-28, Atlanta, $89 single/double
2007, June 26-July 3, Denver, $109 single/double
2008, June 30 - July 6, San Francisco, $115 single/double

We believe that hotel rates which include not only the rate attendees pay
for their sleeping rooms but also the rates for hotel meeting room space, AV
equipment, meals, etc is key for our group.  If we have to pay more for the
meeting space, AV equipment, food and beverage, then we have to also
increase the conference registration fees. Registration fees + hotel room
rates adds up. 

Season is main predictor of hotel rates. You'll notice that the first year,
1997, we met in May. We switched to the end of June or first weeks of July
to get better rates. The spring and fall are highly in demand and rates are
out of our reach.  

In the north - Philly, NY, Hartford, Chicago, Detroit, Minneapolis - our
summer dates are their *high season* (no snow) and their rates are out of
our reach. I've tried hard to negotiate, but just can't see our folks paying
the $189 a night summer rates up north. Thus our meetings tend to be in the
south - it's hot in places like Dallas, Orlando, and Atlanta end of June or
in July and thus we get discounts.

We stayed in Dallas two years in a row because of the fantastic rates and
the incredibly wonderful meeting and exhibit space. That hotel has the
largest ballroom in the United States with the largest adjacent exhibit
space.  It's also central and easy to reach (flights from anywhere in the
U.S.).  

In both Denver ('07) and SF in 08 we lucked out at last minute when we were
able to fit a *hole* in their schedules AND because we were willing to meet
up against the July 4th weekend. But even that (meeting on or near the 4th)
doesn't always guarantee low rates - it only works if a huge *meeting-space-
hungry* conference like ours can fit in between groups willing to pay the
high prices.  In fact in SF, we'll not only meet over July 4th, we also have
to move our schedule forward a day.  However, I think it's worth it.  The
going room rates for these cities (SF and Denver in the summer at these
large hotels) is closer to $199 a night.  And, again, that doesn't factor in
the higher rates we'd have to deal with for all that meeting space, AV
equipment, food and beverage that would put the meeting out of our reach.
It's necessary to look at the total package we can negotiate.

When I ask attendees what's important they say program and speakers (of
course) but then: 1) room rate; 2) conference rate; 3) ease of and price of
air travel; 4) meeting rooms and exhibit space.  By ease of travel I mean
that people minded Reno because it took two flights and all day for most
people to get there.  People love a *destination* city with enough direct
flights so they don't have to transfer - and these higher volume direct
flights are also much cheaper.  Hartford, Louisville, Detroit, Milwaukee,
etc.....all require two legs. And flights sell out - all the discounted
seats sell out fast.

Also we have grown to the point that we barely fit into hotel properties.
It is to our great advantage to avoid moving to Convention Centers and to
stay in hotels as long as we can because it's much more expensive (and
inconvenient) to use a Convention Center.  As we've grown, there are very
few hotels with ballrooms and breakout rooms large enough to contain us.
There is no hotel in Washington DC that can accommodate us.  Not Baltimore
or Richmond, either.  We'd have to use the cavernous convention centers and
the sleeping room rates in DC are now out of our reach - even in the summer
and even over July 4th.

I'm very excited about San Francisco because California got more marriage
grant money than any state (makes sense to take the meeting there) AND
because so many people like having an excuse to visit San Francisco. And,
because we've never been able to even come close to affording a California
location before.  I've looked several times - this year we just got lucky.

I'm looking at Orlando because there is a new hotel that can house us under
one roof - huge ballroom and meeting space - and because it's an easy and
very affordable flight from anywhere in the country with many many direct
flights a day from all over. Not sure I can get a reasonable rate as it's
quite fancy, but will try.

And, I'm looking at Texas again because they have Texas-sized ballrooms;
it's hot in Texas over our dates so the rates tend to be in our range; it's
central with so many direct flights from all across the country; AND because
Texas just passed the nation's most impressive marriage education
legislation.  

Know that's a long answer, but hope that helps everyone understand the
challenges.  

- diane 

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- JOB OPENING: CALIFORNIA

[[ This is a position held by Dennis Lowe on part time basis for over a
decade. They are now seeking a person who can devote his/her full time
energies to it.  Should be a good opportunity for the right person. ]]
 
Pepperdine University seeks candidates for the position of Executive
Director of the Boone Center for the Family at the Graduate School of
Education and Psychology. The Center promotes strong families and healthy
relationships by serving as a marriage and family resource center, and by
conducting related educational and outreach activities. To learn more about
the Center, visit http://gsep.pepperdine.edu/family.
 
The ideal candidate would have experience with family life education,
outreach programming, families from diverse cultures, scholarly activities,
fund raising efforts and advisory boards, and policy development along with
strong Christian values and ethics.  Applicants should possess an earned
DOCTORATE in marriage and family studies, human development, psychology,
family therapy, or related fields from a regionally-accredited institution.
 
To apply, submit a letter that describes outreach and research interests; a
statement regarding their participation in a Christian community of faith; a
vita that includes the names of three references; and reprints of selected
publications. Review of applications will begin September 4, 2007 and
continue until the position is filled.
 
Send all materials to:
Dr. Margaret J. Weber, Dean
Graduate School of Education and Psychology
Pepperdine University
6100 Center Drive, Los Angeles, CA 90045
or email to margaret.weber at pepperdine.edu
 
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- DIRECTOR POSITION IN GEORGIA
The Georgia Department of Human Resources, Office of Child Support Services
(OCSS) is seeking a Director.  The Director
<http://www.dhrjobs.com/DHR%20OCSS/DirectorOCSS073107.asp> is responsible
for the strategic planning, programmatic and fiscal operations of 13 Regions
, 1,200+ employees, and a $70,000,000 budget and includes significant
interaction with elected officials. Visit our employment page -
<http://www.dhrjobs.com/> - to view executive vacancies with the Georgia
Department of Human Resources.

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- BEV AND TOM RODGERS SOUL HEALING INTENSIVE COUPLES WEEKEND

Bev and Tom Rodgers popular
Soul Healers 15-hr. Intensive Couples Weekend
Friday, Oct 26, 7:30pm to Sunday, Oct 28, 12:30 noon
Charlotte, NC -  $350 per couple
Scholarships Available

Register for the Intensive and order the new and revised ...Soul Healing
Love: Turning Relationships That Hurt Into Relationships That Heal
at: www.SoulHealingLove.com or call
The Institute for Soul Healing Love
at 704 364-9176

For an idea of what to expect, order the recording of their Denver Smart
Marriages Workshop at 800-241-7785 or at
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com

> 757-303
> Soul Healers Leaders Training – TOOB
> Beverly Rodgers, PhD, Tom Rodgers, PhD
> Practical, easy-to-learn tools for professionals or lay mentors to help
> couples that face even the most difficult, on-the-brink problems: adultery,
> addiction, abuse or other deep wounds.

##########################
- WILLARD HARLEY MARRIAGE BUILDER'S WEEKEND: OCT 26 -27, ORLANDO

Willard Harley presented the Smart Marriages banquet keynote in Denver. I've
received many inquiries about how to contact him and learn more about his
programs. Visit his website for info about his Oct Marriage Builder's
Weekend and NOTE THAT THERE IS A PRICE CHANGE IN EFFECT FOR THOSE THAT
REGISTER AFTER MONDAY AUGUST 6TH.  Register NOW to save $900 per couple.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

ALSO, visit the website to subscribe to the free newsletter and download
many free articles: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

And, if you missed the banquet (you can order it on DVD or CD at
800-241-7785) and aren't familiar with his work, this excerpt from the
current newsletter is long, but worth repeating - and pretty much
encapsulates his approach:

>  "IT'S HER 3RD TIME, MY 1ST. IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?"
> 
> I will soon be marrying the woman of my dreams.  We‚re very much in
> love with each other now, but we know so many who were in love at
> the time of their marriage, only to come to hate each other later.
> We don‚t want that to happen, and would like advice to help avoid
> losing what we feel for each other.
> 
> I am 29, never married, and my fiancé is 32, married twice, with a
> 4 year-old daughter from her last marriage.  She and her ex-husband,
> who have been divorced for the past 3 years, have been battling each
> other in court over custody issues since their divorce, and at this
> time, they have joint physical custody.
> 
> We‚ve dated each other for the past year, and we have handled post-
> divorce problems with her ex-husband very well.  But I know how likely
> it is for us to eventually divorce, so I want to be sure that our
> marriage will turn out to be the exception.
> 
> What problems are we likely to face after we marry, and how should we
> fix them?  And most important, how can we be as much in love with
> each other after 25 years of marriage as we are today?
> B.J.
> 
> Dear B.J.
> The answers to your two questions go hand-in-hand.  The way you fix
> the problems you face after marriage will determine whether or not
> you‚ll be in love after 25 years of marriage.
> 
> Until now, you have had your share of problems to solve, and you‚ve
> probably done a good job handling them.  You‚ve approached each of
> them with consideration for each other‚s feelings.  That‚s why
> you‚re still in love.
> 
> But for a variety of reasons, many couples stop solving their problems
> that way after they‚re married.  Instead of discussing their problems
> with respect for each other‚s perspectives, and waiting until they
> both agree before making a final decision, they begin to make
> unilateral decisions.  They „announce‰ their plans before an
> agreement is reached.  Or, they try to force an agreement by making
> demands, being disrespectful, and having angry outbursts.  Those
> tactics not only lead to flawed decisions, but they also destroy the
> love they have for each other.
> 
> You‚ve seen how discussions that lead to an agreement are not only
> possible, but essential in making your relationship work.  It‚s
> probably inconceivable to either of you that you would ever deviate
> from the formula that‚s made your relationship so passionate.  And
> yet, the majority of those who marry, especially in situations
> similar to yours, make that mistake.
> 
> For over 35 years, I‚ve encouraged couples to follow a simple rule
> that helps them resolve their conflicts the right way and keeps
> them in love with each other.  I call it the Policy of Joint
> Agreement:  Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
> between you and your spouse.  It‚s a rule that reminds you to think
> about each other‚s feelings whenever you make a decision.  You‚ve
> probably been following this rule already without even hearing about
> it, because you‚ve wanted to be thoughtful toward each other.  But
> there‚s a great risk of violating that rule after you marry, and
> that‚s why I would encourage you to follow it after you‚re married
> as if your life depended on it -˜ your marriage certainly does.
> 
> Everything you do affects each other.  Using my nomenclature,
> you‚re either depositing or withdrawing love units from each other‚s
> Love Banks.  Until now, you have been careful to do what it takes to
> make each other happy, and avoided making each other unhappy.  Keep
> doing that, and you‚ll be in love with each other for the rest of
> your lives.  But after you‚re married, you‚ll be tempted to make
> yourself happy at your spouse‚s expense.  That‚s when you‚ll need
> the Policy of Joint Agreement the most.  It‚s a warning that if
> you don‚t take your spouse‚s feelings into account, you‚ll lose her
> love for you.  So instead of making that selfish decision, you
> negotiate with her until you find an alternative that you can both
> agree to enthusiastically.
> 
> At this point, you may wonder what issues might tempt you to make
> selfish decisions.  There are a host of them:  Career decisions
> (should your new wife have the right to veto a career move that
> would be in your best interest?), friends and relatives (should
> your new wife have the right to veto your relationship with some
> of your friends, or members of your family?), financial decisions
> (should your new wife have the right to veto a purchase you want
> to make?), to name a few.  But the issue that stands out above the
> rest is child-rearing decisions: Should you have the right to veto
> each other‚s child-rearing decisions until you can agree
> enthusiastically?
> 
> When a spouse has a child from a previous relationship, he or she
> is tempted to violate the Policy of Joint Agreement for what is
> considered to be in the best interest of the child.  Coming to an
> enthusiastic agreement about child-rearing decisions is difficult
> enough for biological parents.  But when a child is raised by one
> biological parent and one non-biological parent, the difficulty
> increases ten-fold.  That‚s because the biological parent tends to
> place the interests of the child above those of the other spouse.
> So when a child‚s interests and a spouse‚s interests are in
> conflict, the child has the advantage.  Furthermore, because the
> child is considered „their child,‰ biological parents feel that
> they have the right to make unilateral decisions regarding their
> upbringing.  The Policy of Joint Agreement seems inappropriate
> when the child‚s future is at stake.  And yet, every violation of
> that rule withdraws love units, regardless of the sense it makes
> to one spouse at the time.  Over time, love is lost to good
> intentions.
> 
> On a related topic, a biological parent may be tempted to violate
> another rule I recommend, the Policy of Undivided Attention:  Give
> your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours
> each week, using the time to meet his or her emotional needs of
> affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and
> recreational companionship.  In an effort to provide care for the
> biological child, this rule is violated when almost all free time
> is committed to the child.  The non-biological parent‚s emotional
> needs are often neglected because there is no privacy -˜ the child
> goes with them whenever they‚re together.
> 
> Right now, you are probably spending at least 15 hours a week
> being affectionate, talking to each other (even if it‚s only by
> telephone or email), and spending time together recreationally.
> But after you marry, you may find that the time you were spending
> in deep communication with each other becomes a thing of the past.
> That would be tragic if it were to happen, but the only way to
> avoid it is to schedule time together.  Your schedule will dictate
> what you accomplish in life, and if your goal is to stay in love,
> you must schedule time to meet each other‚s emotional needs.
> 
> Every Sunday afternoon at 3:30, look over each other‚s schedule
> and plan 15 hours to be alone with each other the next week.  If
> you don‚t have 15 hours available, cancel planned engagements to
> make room for each other.  Nothing will be more important than
> the time you have together. And your daughter should not be with
> you during that time.
> 
> But I also recommend spending time together with your daughter
> and your wife -˜ another 15 hours a week for what I call Quality
> Family Time.  It will give her lots of time to bond with you, and
> will give you an opportunity to teach her some of the most
> important lessons of life.
> 
> At this point you may question my wisdom, because you may think
> I‚m trying to schedule you beyond your available time each week.
> And trust me, after you‚re married, you will doubt my wisdom even
> more when you face greater responsibilities.  But consider this:
> If you sleep 8 hours each night, you will have 112 hours left
> each week to do whatever you think is important.  And the two
> most important objectives you have in life are care for your
> wife and care for your children.  Taking 30 hours from the 112
> leaves you with 82 hours each week to do everything else that‚s
> far less important.
> 
> When you reach old age, and look back on your accomplishments,
> everything will pale in comparison to having had a wife and
> children who love and admire you.  And it will only require 30
> hours a week to help you achieve that most important goal.
> 
> Why do blended-family marriages fail so often?  It‚s because
> they have a particularly difficult time following the Policy
> of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Undivided Attention.  Since
> those two rules help guarantee passion in marriage, when they‚re
> broken, passion is lost.  And when passion is lost, it doesn‚t
> take very long for lovers to become haters.
> 
> I recommend that you and your fiancé read my most recent book
> before you marry:  "I Promise You:  Preparing for a marriage
> that will last a lifetime."   It turns these two rules, and a
> few others, into promises that will guarantee the success of
> your marriage if you keep them.  Then, after you marry, re-read
> the book together at least once a year to remind you of the
> promises you made that guarantee your love for each other.
> 
> All marriages would be terrific, and none would end in divorce,
> if every couple would take better care of each other.  It sounds
> almost too simple, but it‚s true.  You and your fiancé can
> create a magnificent family together if you don‚t lose sight of
> what it is that‚s keeping you together -˜ your exceptional care
> for each other.   There was chemistry when you first met, I‚m
> sure.  But what has kept you loving each other, and what will
> keep you loving each other is your consideration of each other‚s
> feelings when you make decisions, and making sure that you have
> enough time to meet each other‚s emotional needs.  Anyone can do
> it.  Write me again after you have your next child together.
> 
> Best wishes
> Willard F. Harley, Jr.


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12th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
July 2 - 5, 2008  
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

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