Finances | Fathers - 8/3/07

[Smartmarriages]

- MARRIAGE AND FINANCES
- IN HONOR OF FATHERS, BE SURE TO SET THE BAR HIGH

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- MARRIAGE AND FINANCES

Reading this and the recommendation of the book, "Smart Couples Finish Rich"
and it's focus on couple's financial goals, I was reminded of the MANY
positive comments I heard at the Smart Marriages Denver conference about
Syble Solomon's workshop on her *Money Habitudes* TOOB program and card game
- an incredible tool for helping couples quickly identify their core money.

For an overview/intro, order the workshop recording at 800-241-7785 or at
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com

> #757-412
> Money Habitudes: The Last Taboo ­ TOOB
> Syble Solomon, MEd
> Use a unique card deck to give couples life-changing insights into their
> hidden attitudes about money. Teach groups, use with individual couples, or
> add to any marriage program.

Here's more info on the Money Habitudes cards:

> To help new clients overcome the long-standing gag rule on talking money, life
> coach Syble Solomon has developed Money Habitudes, a set of playing cards that
> make it quick and easy to uncover the underlying or even unconscious attitudes
> that shape our financial lives. The deck includes 54 cards bearing statements
> that correlate to six "money habitudes" or financial personality types. The
> game takes about 10 to 15 minutes as a person divvies up the 54 statement
> cards into the categories of "That's me!," "That's not me!," and "That's
> sometimes me."
> 
> Life planner Steven Shagrin has used Money Habitudes more than 100 times with
> his clients. It's part of his regular system for getting to know people, but
> it has also had important results in other situations. For example, the game
> proved to be an invaluable planning aid for a married couple who found
> themselves mired in conflict as they were about to receive a large
> inheritance.  The pair, who had argued about money throughout their 18-year
> marriage, were better able to understand what Shagrin terms "the money
> messages from their past" after playing a round of the cards.  The husband
> chose cards that categorized him as spontaneous and a free spirit, while the
> wife valued security and targeted goals. As their conversation evolved and the
> pair realized how their money habits were influenced by their childhoods, they
> began to understand their incompatibility in regard to dealing with their
> personal finances. Bringing the conflict to the surface helped them to sort
> things out, Shagrin says, and move forward more cohesively.
 
>> Hi Diane,
>> I have to comment on the Money Habitudes cards which you briefly mentioned
>> when you sent the USA Today article "Couples and Their Cash" to the list.   I
>> bought the big set last year at the conference and use them very often with
>> couples. I let the couples take a set home as homework to get started.
>> Couples love using the cards, it is a fun and non-threatening way to learn
>> about their money personalities and a great way to get started about
>> discussing finances and creating a financial plan for the marriage.  I have
>> really enjoyed using them and for me, as a therapist and educator, the set
>> was money well spent and probably one of the most valuable tools I have ever
>> bought at Smart Marriages!.
>> Katherine Robredo

Love and marriage Š and some financial tips
The Business Journal
Sarah Colwell
August 3, 2007

My little brother married his college sweetheart this past weekend, and
instead of getting him a set of knives or towels, I decided to give him
something he could really use to help his life and his marriage ‹ tools for
his finances.

Money is often a heated topic of discussion early and often in a marriage.
According to a CNN Money study, 84 percent of couples surveyed said money
causes tension in their marriage and 13 percent say they fight about money
several times a month.

Managing money can become a source of arguments within a relationship
because it often is synonymous with power. A person might feel entitled to
have more of a say in money decisions in a relationship if he or she earns
more income than the other person. One person in the relationship might be a
spender, while the other person might be a saver. One or both people in the
relationship might bring a lot of debt to a marriage. The list goes on and
on.

The right tools
I wanted to give my brother some financial tools and pieces of advice I wish
I had been given earlier in my marriage, and hopefully prevent some
arguments in his marriage, at least those involving money.

The first tool I got him was ³Smart Couples Finish Rich² by David Bach.

I found ³Smart Couples Finish Rich² helpful because it begins by focusing on
the goals the couple has, not talking about money. They are not specific
goals like ³become a millionaire by 55² or ³visit every continent,² but
rather broader goals such as ³security² and ³adventure.²

Each person in the relationship determines his or her five goals and then
compares with the other person. A group of common goals is established and
any individual goals that do not match are prioritized and chosen by the
couple to set five common goals.

Once the goals have been determined, a couple¹s current budget is analyzed.
Are they spending their money in line with the goals? Perhaps ³travel² is
one of the top five goals of the couple, but they currently are not saving
any money each month to go on trips near or far.

The budget then might be adjusted so money is spent in accordance with the
couple¹s goals. In theory, both people in the relationship should be
satisfied about how their money is being spent from that point forward
because it is being allocated to both the individual and mutual priorities.

Uniting vs. dividing
By focusing on how a couple can work on common goals together, the book
brought to light the idea that money can be something that further unites
people rather than pulls them apart. In marriage you learn how to share a
lot of things: living space, chores, kids, etc. So, as David Bach says, why
not learn how to share money and use that money to achieve common goals
together.

Nothing can be more unifying than to work on and accomplish things together
as a couple.

Also, when two people are working on common goals together, they usually
become more committed to sticking to the budget. Arguments like, ³why did
you spend $300 on shoes this weekend,² or ³you need to stop going out to eat
with your friends,² in theory, don¹t happen.

It also creates a non-threatening platform to have a dialogue about money,
because the couple is talking about progress toward their common goals
rather than dollars and cents.

Everything in order
The other tool I got my brother and his new wife was a file cabinet. I
created files with labels for banking, credit card debt, medical paperwork,
insurance, bills, car payments and receipts, taxes, retirement savings and
investments. In some files I put manila folders for sub-categories. For
example, in the credit card debt file I put four manila folders: one for
each credit card they own and one folder to keep track of their credit
reports.

I also included a tip sheet about how long they should keep paperwork. For
example: You should hang on to tax returns and proof of filing forever, just
incase you get a not-so-friendly visit from the Internal Revenue Service;
documents that support the tax returns should be kept for six years, same
with stock, bonds and mutual fund statements; and medical bills should be
kept for six years if you deduct them on your tax return, otherwise you can
toss them after one year.

Better to be safe
The final tool I got him was a paper shredder. It is a tool that I use at
least once a week to shred the dozens of pre-approved credit card
applications I get. It is something, I feel, is essential when managing your
personal finances to help prevent identity theft.

I am hoping that these three things will prevent my little brother from ever
having to spend a night on the couch.

Good luck Matt and Kareena in your years together, because, in the wise
words of our late Grandpa Bill, ³You¹re married now, baby!²

Sarah Colwell covers banking and finance for the Colorado Springs Business
Journal. 

Copyright® Sarah Colwell.

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- IN HONOR OF FATHERS, BE SURE TO SET THE BAR HIGH

> Diane, 
>  
> This just came to me today - past Fathers Day, but very appropriate
> anytime.  The Penns and Thompsons in the article have attended many of our
> events here in Lynchburg, and are trying to get something similar going in
> Roanoke.  
> Lawrence M. Compter, Executive Director
> Marriage Alliance of Central Virginia
> marriagealliance.org

In Honor of Fathers, Be Sure to Set the Bar High
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Shanna Flowers 

        I interrupt this Father's Day column to salute
healthy and happy marriages.

        Why? Because strong men make strong marriages, and
strong marriages make strong families.

        And strong families make strong communities.

        I'm not diminishing the contributions of singles,
because I'm one. But when I look to the larger community and
its future, it is personified in children.

        As a society, we've tried to diminish the role of
dad in the well-being of families and children, to deem him
irrelevant or unimportant. Tragically, too many men have
gladly embraced that ill-conceived notion.

        Nationally, one-third of all children are being
raised in single-parent families; that percentage is double
for black children. Most of them are headed by women.

        Today, on Father's Day, set the bar high. All of us
can see the devastating consequences of setting it low.

        Children are more likely to flourish in a household
with a happily married couple.

        That's why the work of people such as Thomas and
Towanda Penn and Samuel and Gail Thompson is so vital to our
community.

        The Roanoke couples, with more than six decades of
marriage between them, are on the front lines of trying to
enhance family and marriage.

        Five years ago, they established a biblically based
marriage enhancement group called FLAME -- Family Life and
Marriage Enrichment.

        FLAME is not a Bible study, emphasized Thomas Penn,
55, pastor of Big Hill Baptist Church in the Dixie Caverns
area. The group, which meets monthly in Roanoke, is open to
everyone.

        "It's not counseling," Penn said. "We believe that a
strong marriage makes strong families. The best thing a man
can do for his children is to love their mother."

        More than 60 couples have attended FLAME meetings at
different points over the past five years, Penn said. Only
one of them has divorced.

        FLAME meetings are free. The only requirement is
that couples are married or engaged, with a wedding date.

        What makes a healthy and happy marriage?

        The ability to communicate and resolve conflicts is
key, Towanda Penn said. "If you can learn those things --
it's so many things involved in those -- you can work out
anything."

        FLAME exposes couples -- particularly men -- to what
healthy relationships are all about.

        "A whole lot of men don't know what their roles
are," said Samuel Thompson, an analyst with the state
Department of Rehabilitative Services. "We know cars,
computers, but we don't know relationships.

        "If you have fathers in position of leadership,
gangs wouldn't exist," Thompson said.

        Penn added, "The salvation of the family is in the
men coming home."

        Happy Father's Day, with a special nod to the ones
handling their business as husbands at home.

        FLAME meets at 7 p.m. the second Saturday of each
month at the YMCA Family Center, 108 Orange Ave. N.W.,
Roanoke.


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